What is Postpartum Rage?

Hey guys, welcome back to the preview Alliance podcast. It is Sarah and Whitney. We're in May maternal Mental Health month. And today we're gonna talk about postpartum rage. Oh That's so much fun to talk about. 

Not that moms don't need any more judgment shame. But I think being what you feel like is an angry mom an out of control mom um a snapping mom that really can hit hard. It can because then guilt usually follows, right? Because you are like I am having this extreme anger, this irritability, this frustration that's coming out that I'm feeling and it usually you tend to have that rage or anger before you feel it coming. Like it just kind of is out and it felt like so I've said this before with um second delivery, I was feeling this rage and I could not control it and it was like you said, it hit me like wham and I had went from 0 to 1000 and I was irrational over why my level of anger did not meet what caused it. And that was I was like, what is wrong with me? And I didn't know honestly because people weren't like saying like postpartum rage is so it's not very talked about. Um And I will say it's interesting that you mentioned that it was after your second delivery because again, another traumatic delivery, but you're also keeping up with the toddler at that time, we had just moved. Oh, good. So you had a lot of stuff going on. Um So there you are dealing with a move, dealing with having a traumatic delivery and healing from that. And then probably grief because that's also when you had the hysterectomy on the land. And so you've got all of those things going on and you're keeping up with the toddler. And I would assume that there's probably a sensory overload component. And I think too, it was like, I felt super powerless and agitated, but it's just like I, I remember telling this to Bill and I was like, because we had had, he got the brunt of it. 

Let's just be honest, he got the brunt of it and he was like, I, I don't, I can't take you treating me this way. Hm. And I was like, I am trying not to and it's like I am not controlling it and it's just happening, it's happening. And I don't think he got it and I didn't and I was like, trying to explain it to him, but like, I didn't even know it was a thing until I did some research and I learned about it. And I was like, oh my gosh, which correct me if I'm wrong but it forms, it like falls over a depressive disorder, right? Like it's, it's like the characterized but like it can be part of postpartum depression. Yeah. I honestly, I think rage can be kind of a branch out of depression or anxiety. And I would think with anxiety, it's more, again, we can't control things, things aren't going the way that we need them to go and then we lose it. Um And again, sensory overload. 

If it is your 2nd, 3rd, 4th 10th child, you've got other kids to keep up with, you've got school most likely going on for them transporting them. You've got the toys, you've got the music, you've got the that the, that all the things. And so it's only so much our brains can handle on top of healing, recovering, being up, you know, feeding, whether it's breast or formula, we're up every 2.5 to 3 hours if we don't have a colicky baby. So we've got all of this going on and we feel very powerless. We feel very defeated. And so with that, this is gonna sound a little weird but just sit tight with me. Um It's almost an element of grief because we're not the mom we wanted to be and we're angry about that triggered by unmet expectations. I set expectations. And let's, and let's be honest, going from 1 to 2 who was no, zero to, one was harder for me but 1 to 2 I didn't expect, I feel like I felt like I was telling everybody and I thought I should be handling it better. 

I thought all these things. Um, I felt that way with a six and a two year old. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think it is like those negative feelings about the situation or yourself, they're not ever resolved or you don't know how to move past them. So then that resentfulness, the anger, the irritability and then it just explodes because like, you're never getting, you're just never, you're putting a band aid and you're never getting to an infection. So he goes back to that and it seems like probably, you know, we do know what can cause this and postpartum, right? Ok. We're not sleeping. We have new limitations on our lives. 

We have an adjustment. We, our birth, um, the partnerships we're in. Hello. That changes. Absolutely. So you have a lot of reasons that can be why you're not functioning. And it can also feel like maybe responsibilities aren't divvied out evenly or equally because they're not, they're not. And then you feel unappreciated and that makes you feel angry. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, I remember resentfulness, I would be like, resentful of Bill for like going to work. And I was like, you get to leave the house, you get to drive in peace. I'm here. I get to go to the bathroom by yourself at work. 

I was like, you can listen to whatever you want. Like, it was just this resentment for him and he was like, whoa, this is my day to day life. And so that was weird and then like, I would now and this, I'm even like, I knew as a problem because sometimes if I just fall asleep and James would cry, I'd be like, why? And I'd get angry, like super angry all of a sudden that like, he's crying and I'm like, and I would, and I'd be like, you are like, Sarah, he's a baby. Like, and that then I felt extreme guilt and shame and I was like, this is not. And I know, you know, doing just research for this topic too is, you know what our women have reported, they would maybe just like slam doors when they've never slammed doors or they've noticed that they would just like yell when they're not yeller or physically punch something. And it's like they're like, who, who am I? 

This is not who I usually am. So what do we do? So one thing that can be super helpful when we are struggling with postpartum rage and anxiety to the best of your ability, given that your doctor has cleared you for it, have a physical outlet, walk, walking for if you feel like you actually need to hit something. If you go on Amazon, they have kids punching bags for like 25 30 bucks. They are very light weight. They're probably flimsy but truly to get out your postpartum rage, it's totally fine do that and hit it because that's an appropriate thing to do. Right. That's an appropriate place for us to get out our physical anger and it is not wrong that we have physical anger, we need to get out. We are human. So let's get it out before our body stores it in person sees that as a trauma. So do that. If you again, if you're cleared to run or something like that, that's another good way to get that kind of stuff out. Um You know, if you aren't cleared for things of that nature walking is a really good option. 

Honestly, sometimes driving with the windows open or sun roof open, get that sunlight in. I would encourage voice journaling very strongly with this to let out. I think I did never felt like I could say I'm angry because I feel like I'm not doing it right. I feel like I'm failing or this is harder than I thought. And like I never said it. So like you said, I stored it, I kept it. So and here's a little bit of a twist on that. You could do voice journaling yelling because what does it matter if you yell at your phone? No, it doesn't. It's better if you yell at your phone than you yell at your partner, your child, whoever, which inevitably I snapped more at will during this time. And I would again be met with extreme guilt. And I was like, I need to change it. And that's where I wish I was more active in therapy in those times. So here's another therapeutic tool that is usually used mainly for grief. But I think that it can be helpful in this scenario and it's actually called an empty chair. And what people do, you have your chair, couch, whatever, and you just visualize someone that you're upset with and you just say whatever, whatever it is that you want to say to him, you can kind of do the same thing with voice journaling. Like if you're really upset that you and your husband or partner or whomever don't share the responsibilities or you're mad that you had a traumatic delivery, you might feel like your medical team failed. You, you kind of visualize them and yell and get that stuff out, right? Because then you feel like you're actually saying it to them, but you're not doing that in real life and it can take the edge off so that productive conversations can take place because you can't have this. And that's why I was a villain. 

It's like I could never even approach him in a way that wasn't angry or mean or resentful for him to even like get past that initial just like attack because I was coming at him in an attack way. It wasn't like, let me tell you what's going on with me. Um So that would have been super helpful to me. I think predictability to me is huge. So when I lost that, that fell out of control, um you know, I don't, again, it's like hard to say this. So it's like to find a support group, you know, for mom or age if you don't even know why you're feeling this way. That's hard. But now we know what it is and there is support group and I will tell you not every place has this and again, you need to be cleared by your medical professional rage rooms. 

We went, did you, I'm not even kidding. That was one of Michael's Christmas gifts. He got to go um New Year's weekend. I paid for him to go to the Rage Room and he was like, that was so cool. It was, I mean, and this was, this was literally what I was Googling it. And I was like, what can we do? And I saw Rage Room come out um good job to them. 

They have good S E O search engine and things that this pops up with mom. Rage searches. But I was like, we called two of our um super close um friends that we adore and could be honest with and say we're struggling right now. Can you, we trust them wholeheartedly and they came over and they watched the boys and we had a date where we had lunch and then we went to the Rage Room and got that out. 

That felt it was a safe place. It was fun. It was designated for that. Uh And it was super helpful and it led to better productive conversations and you know, but then it's like people again, don't judge a book by cover and just be like, oh, I would never think Sarah would need a rage room. Oh I 100% needed a rage room. Well, I mean people that are grieving, I actually recommend that they go to a rage room too and I think I was grieving a lot from the hysterectomy. Oh heck yeah. Well, that was taken from you literally taken from you. But also, you know, it took away your opportunity to have the choice of not having more Children. 

Yeah, there is a lot and, and again, this goes back to why we talk about this. So if this is feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling this is resonating with me. You now have a name to it. And you know that this is not who you are, this is not like you're not characterized, this is not like Sarah Eagle's angry mom um that it got better. I now know coping techniques. 

I have to ground myself still where you know, I like to walk outside, take a breather, my deep breaths. I like my handy dandy V eight. My cool spot. I have open and honest conversations now. But again, I think this is not just isolated. I think there's always like you said, a hint of anxiety or depression in it. So if this is sounding like you please know that there is help, there is treatment and do stuff for you daily. Like if it's the workout, if it's the voice turning, if it's the empty chair, if it's the grounding and go back to some of our previous episodes called the toolbox ones where this is where we have sole episodes of giving us these tools that we know and the sooner that we have these conversations, we feel like our pregnant moms and you know, if you start going down this route, then we know that we can address it early. Absolutely. So you guys are not angry moms and this is something that hormones unmet expectations, life changes, your birth experience, history of mental illness, all the risk factors that we talked about can add to it and you know what? We're here just to keep supporting you and educating you. That's right till next time. Bye.