Previa Alliance Podcast

Hey Whitney

October 23, 2023 Previa Alliance Team Season 1 Episode 77
Previa Alliance Podcast
Hey Whitney
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Join hosts Sarah and Whitney on the latest episode as they delve into the complex emotions of resentment that can arise towards partners after becoming a mom. With candid discussions and personal experiences, they navigate the challenges of balancing parenthood and maintaining a healthy relationship. From the struggle to delegate tasks and achieve a sense of accomplishment to changing parenting practices and embracing gentle techniques, Sarah and Whitney offer valuable insights and practical advice. Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of communication, setting boundaries, and supporting friends with busy lives and newborns.

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Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Live Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney, alright, fan favorite. You ready, let's do this? Hey Whitney, hey, hey, okay, hey, whitney. Ever since I've become a mom, I've felt resentment towards my partner. The fact he could live his life and mine will never be the same. Help a sister out.

Speaker 2:

Still there.

Speaker 1:

Maybe some days, some days, some days.

Speaker 2:

When my two-year-old refuses to let my husband do anything for her? Yes, and we still very much love our husbands. We do. But and he, I will say he calls my daughters out on this because I can literally be making supper, doing laundry, doing something in both my kitchen, Like mommy, look at this, Mommy, watch this Mommy, I need a snack. And I'm like, oh my goodness, or I'll pass the dad to get this.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that happens frequently.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and he will say you have another parent, you can ask me for a snack and my toddler will just come up to me and go mommy, snack open.

Speaker 1:

I'm like.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, appreciate it, Feel the love.

Speaker 1:

I mean, let's be real, it's there isn't making kind of a start when you, in a minute you get pregnant or trying to get pregnant, like because if you're struggling infertility, you're pumping the hormones in your body.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

Okay, they're not doing that. No, you get pregnant, you're in the first trimester, you're sick as a dog, your body's changing. All the basically restrictions have to you. You have to give birth, you have to go through postpartum. So it builds. It's a slow build, and then you have these toddlers that are a little terrorist at times.

Speaker 2:

Yes, Um the way I've tried to reframe this. Instead of my toddler being clingy, I say she's very securely attached to me Overly at times.

Speaker 1:

But yes, Okay, baby James, you can your love is known for me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, samee is the definition of a veil crow baby. No.

Speaker 1:

So how do we not get angry and resentful every day, or how do we? I guess the biggest is like how do we deal with that elephant in the room, Cause we're not the only people that feel this way.

Speaker 2:

Well, here's the thing we can't not feel that way. I don't know that we can insulate or bubble ourselves from feeling that way, so don't let that be your goal, Cause it's always going to be at some level of like hey, it's not fair. Correct. It's not fair. It's not fair. But you know, part of it is. There's a really good book out there called fair play. Okay, and each person in the relationship writes down the task that they manage and what all goes into that task. And so then you can compare it and say, okay, we, we need to shift some things around because this is too much for one or the other person. Yeah, and it comes at it from an objective sense. You're not saying why can't you help me more, and that's you're not attacking the other person, is just saying, okay, when we look at it written down on paper, oh my goodness, all of this is way more mentally taxing than I thought it was. So, approaching it from that standpoint, um, and even just saying, hey, I need you to help me with X, y and Z, stating what your needs are, and I will be real, like this is my type A, any a gram one here, where I do struggle to delegate tasks, yes. Or if I'm already in the middle of a task or like 80% of the way done with it, it doesn't do in my head, it doesn't do me a lot of good for you to take over at that point, cause I'm like well, I'm nearly done anyway.

Speaker 1:

It's more effort to explain how to do something that you're like. Why do you not know how to do that? That's done in our house every single day.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I mean it's one of those like I was letting the dishwasher yesterday and my husband was like, well, why don't you let me do it? And I said I have two plates to put in the washer at this point, like I'm nearly done.

Speaker 1:

And it's? You know what I mean? Yeah, it's, it's just like oh yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Like at that point I'm nearly done, let me go ahead and finish it and get that sense of accomplishment. And that's where I fall short, where I do struggle to delegate. So if you are similar and me, really try to figure out what can I delegate and can I actually be okay passing something off? That's 80% done. Yeah, I may not feel like I get to cross it off my to-do list because I didn't get to do it a hundred percent.

Speaker 1:

But Toxic trait right here.

Speaker 2:

Just call myself out, apparently. And so I have to get to a point where I say, okay, even if I'm passing off a test, that's 80% done. At least that's something off of me a little bit, it's done. Yeah, it gets done one way or another, and something did get taken off of my plate a little bit there.

Speaker 1:

And communicating it to them, of there's some things they're not going to be able to do, and I mean especially newborns and sage. It isn't going to happen. So you have to just kind of I think, knowing that early in life, pregnancy, just knowing it's just never gonna be equal yeah.

Speaker 2:

But then, fortunately, now as the kids get older, I think that they will start to get to the other parent more frequently. It's just those early years.

Speaker 1:

It is really, really hard.

Speaker 2:

My oldest one has gotten better about Letting my husband do bedtime with her and then I do it with our younger one and so that's off of me. I don't have to get her in Jamie's, I don't have to bathe her and wash her hair and brush it out and read her stories. I'm not saying that I don't want to do those things, but that is a whole bedtime routine off of me. Uh-huh, I really don't have to worry like, well, what's it done? Right, he's been doing it. Yeah, he knows to wash and brush her hair, he knows to give her a bath and for her to be in clean Jamie's into brush teeth, like he's got that tag him in. Yes, I can pass that off. And she is developing that bond with him, whereas again, we go back to that newborn and toddler stage where they are so relying on mommy, mommy, mommy, me and her have a good bond, we have a good attachment, so she feels comfortable with where we're at, so that she can start to build that with him. Now I really hope that my younger one gets to the point where she'll be willing for us to trade out and Alternate so that we have like a maintenance mode on both ends.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, no, I think that's great, and so make the list. Write it out like we done communicate, be open. Yes and set expectations for the stage of life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and set them low, Mm-hmm set them low.

Speaker 1:

Okay, here we go. Oh, this is a good. Hey, whitney. I feel like we've gotten to a stage of parenting where I see myself saying things that my parents did to me because I said so. I want to change that cycle. Where do I start?

Speaker 2:

Okay, well, you've already started because you're recognizing it, so it's so good have we all been like oh, I just did so and so did to me.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that ugly exactly.

Speaker 2:

So that was another thing that I was gonna say is Realize okay, what are some things that my parents did with me and my siblings that I didn't love doesn't mean that they were abusive Right, does not mean they were abusive like cuz. I said so exactly. So what we can say is okay, if there were things that you know that you disliked that your parents did when you were Growing up, how do we change that? Yeah you know, is it that you just don't implement that like? I can remember getting spankings as a Child, and that's what happened back in the 90s. But the handful of times that I have spanked my kids more so my older one than my younger one because she's so little, it didn't work and so, honestly, we don't spank in our household because I'm like I don't, there's not a benefit to that. So you changed it and I think we changed it because there weren't a benefit to it.

Speaker 1:

This person's saying is you that I agree, like just recognizing as a first step.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, recognizing it and then figuring out what did my parents do that I didn't like or didn't work right, whether that means you tweak it or you just eliminate it. So, like I said, we eliminated spanking because we don't see a benefit with it.

Speaker 1:

It has not benefited us or my daughter and then my thing yeah, you're just like you and it's not like I. You know stuff that I'm like okay, we're not doing that correct now? Do I go cold turkey and not do that, or do I have to sometimes see myself?

Speaker 2:

I go, okay, whoa yeah, it's gonna be more of a like you catch yourself on this.

Speaker 1:

Okay, my man, yes and you think about it. You're just like, oh, but that's good because you're catching right, correct? So you go from doing to catching, to stopping, yes, to adapting or changing, to do something that your new pattern Mm-hmm. So you're breaking a pattern that you don't even know has been imprinted on you, but it has mm-hmm, so recognize yes gonna stop or slow it. Mm-hmm, adjust, change and then you're into a new pattern, correct? So congrats to you, mommy.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you're a generational changer here and then, if there are positive things that you saw, that your parents did Implement, those follow it.

Speaker 1:

or you see something that your friend does, or you see something that a parenting blogger does and you're like that's great. Exactly, hey, we need a village of information. Yes we're not accepted to know the best practice for everything.

Speaker 2:

That's exhausting and a no one can do it and, like I said, we, we would love to be gentle parents, but we're more medium. We're more medium because, when we look at the example of because I said so, kids don't get that. No, they need the explanation because they truly don't understand the why you have to tell them Again. That's where that little bit of a gentle parenting technique comes in. If you say, hey, I really don't want you to do this because of this, yeah, like I don't want you to play with the outlet because it can shock you Right, as opposed to no, don't do that why? not Right and kids are inquisitive. They don't ask why to be defensive or defiant.

Speaker 1:

They just don't know.

Speaker 2:

They don't know, they need us to educate them. Now, if you have a kid that keeps on keeping on, even after that explanation, that's when you say we've talked about it. I've told you that this is the reason why. Do you remember what mommy said about this? Yeah, please don't ask again, because I've already told you that we can't do that because of X, y and Z reasons. Well, we have gangster children.

Speaker 1:

We do so that we hope for this moment your level of gangster with their child is mild. It's mild, but you know what Kudos to you. You're changing Good job, that's right. Okay, hey, whitney, I filled this one because I was in this in a different with the miscarriage. I'm the last one of my friends to have babies and I feel like we're in different stages. How can I keep these friendships?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think, recognizing that you are in different stages, that you're not going to fully understand what their life is like, and you know they're not going to understand yours. No, they're not going to understand yours. And that communication will change One thing that one of my friends does. Her kids are older, they're in like middle school and high school and you know, I've got a daycare kid and a kindergartner.

Speaker 1:

That's a hard, that's a stage difference. That's not like that's a hard stage.

Speaker 2:

That's a stage difference and so, while she has more freedoms now because her kids can be home alone yeah, she's got a 15 year old and a 12 year old she's in a different stage. Yeah, they are independent, like they can be home alone for an hour and it's okay. She's sleeping, yes, she is sleeping. I am not, um, not well some nights. So she gets that I don't necessarily have those freedoms, because I do have younger children and one of our big thing is to do voice texting back and forth. So it's kind of like we're having a phone call, yeah, but I don't have to be on the phone because it's probably going to be chaos. Yeah, chaos, little dumpster fires, running around, people screaming yes.

Speaker 1:

And she, and that's it. I mean because it's like if me and you have a conversation and we hear our children in the background, that's our life.

Speaker 2:

Like we know, we don't we don't phase, but it's to that person. That's not in that stage, unless you hear a crash and something break. Then it's like, oh, I got to go. It's like, go handle that, just hang up.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, hang up, it's fine, it's weird we don't take offense to that we have that understanding, and that's because we're in the same stage of life and we don't. We know if a text goes unanswered for a little bit. Yep.

Speaker 2:

We're not ignoring, we're not mad at each other. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1:

But for this friend that's not in this stage. They have to kind of give you grace. Yeah, you got to give them grace because they have different expectations.

Speaker 2:

Understanding and expectations is a big deal here and, like you and I said, it's one of those. If you send a texting goes unread for a little bit, we know that that's not a personal attack.

Speaker 1:

I don't go with you, mad at me Exactly.

Speaker 2:

No, we just know life happens. They're busy with the kids, they're busy with work. They'll get to it when they can and that's okay. It's no reflection of our friendship, correct? And so even if you need to have that conversation of I'm really sorry that I just can't be as responsive as I was, it's because I've got a newborn and they're collicky or we're in the NICU or whatever the case may be. I got three out of three whatever. Or if you are the person that does not have a child, you can say you know what? I don't fully understand everything, but I'm not mad when you don't answer my text. Please know that I'm giving you grace.

Speaker 1:

And even that you guys are going to go on a level filled together, because you both know that friendship and you just got to just say we're at different stages with our demands.

Speaker 2:

But that does not define our friendship. Well, and when it is your time to have a child, she'll be such a resource. She'll be such a resource Exactly, she'll get it. Cheer you on and she's going to be like, oh, what you?

Speaker 1:

need. I got you. Okay, last one, love this one. Okay, don't love this for this woman, but my mother-in-law announced our daughter's name at my baby shower when we were still decided about it.

Speaker 2:

So it sounds like they had like a name through it out, but like wasn't. Maybe we're debating names. Okay, this one might have been in like the top three. Uh-huh, uh-uh.

Speaker 1:

Well, apparently the mother-in-law announced it. She did not respect our wishes. What can we do, as I only see this basically starting?

Speaker 2:

So sounds like mother-in-law already doesn't respect boundaries and I would try to give her benefit of the doubt of being like well, she got excited that you had picked out baby's name. And that can happen, and it can. However, when we say this is also one of the many times she doesn't respect our wishes, that's telling us. There's history, yeah, there's a pattern here, and so which you and you're, it will not be enjoyable. It will not be easy. Let's just go ahead and get that out there. You're going to have to have those conversations of saying this is what we expect when our baby comes, whether that means sleep stuff, feeding, car seats, safety, all of those things. Especially if she's going Time she spends Correct, especially if she's going to be helping with childcare. If you're going back to work, you know that this is our schedule, yeah, you know this is our routine, this is how we do things and that that needs to be followed, because y'all are the parents, you're the ones that get to say this is what we do. I mean, obviously, you know no abuse or anything like that taken place, you know. But if you're saying, okay, well, we're going to do, cry it out sleep method when babies I think is it four or five months old? I think four.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

Whenever that timeframe is, and if you choose to cry it out, but then she's like, well, how dare you? And blah, blah, blah. Or if you say, well, we're not going to sleep training, she's like, well, why wouldn't you want to do it? However, that may go down, you say, okay, I understand that. That's how you feel about it. This is our child and this is what we are choosing to do.

Speaker 1:

And I would say get on the same page with your husband. Partner.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes the spouse needs to go to their family first and kind of set it because you're going to paint it as the bad person.

Speaker 1:

Yes, each person needs to go to their family.

Speaker 2:

Each person goes to their family to set the boundaries and to lay that foundation. Then if we see that pattern continue, if there's a blatant outward disrespect and I hate to say like disobedience, but y'all know what I mean when I say that Then it's like okay, we're going to come together and say on a united front, we're doing X, y and Z for baby or you know what? We're not going to have visitors at the hospital because we don't want that or whatever. And if they still choose to disregard it, that's unfortunately when you do have to have the heavy consequence of okay, well, if you're not going to respect our boundaries, of not coming up to the hospital when the baby is born, we're not going to tell you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. Then you said that, so recognize it, give. I don't think this one was a whoopsy here, but if it was, okay. But again that pattern that pattern, that's different. I would say, for sure, get on the same page with your partner. Then set your boundaries, and your partner has to dig in with those boundaries too. Yep, it can be very challenging too, uh-huh. Set those, keep those, and then we need to, unfortunately, have consequences.

Speaker 2:

And that's not an easy conversation. I'm not saying this is going to be easy. It's not unicorns and rainbows.

Speaker 1:

And it's uncomfortable. But I would say, if this is happening now, you're right, it's going to happen later, when the baby comes.

Speaker 2:

Oh, absolutely Hit the nail on the head with that.

Speaker 1:

And you are going to be trying to recover and that is the time when you don't need to be worrying about this. So set those boundaries now and give yourself that period of time to be graced and recover and not deal with it. Don't try to set those boundaries.

Speaker 2:

and postpartum you don't have to fight that battle, that you shouldn't have to fight that battle, then no, wow, okay, I love these questions.

Speaker 1:

These were very just.

Speaker 2:

These were good ones. These were really good ones.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to be in via Instagram. Just DM us or if you're a previous mom, you actually have a hey Whitney thing on all your emails that you can just like, submit and we will share those, of course, anonymous. No one knows who you are, that's right, and I guarantee you're not alone in all these. So moms are taking these and helping them out. So until next time, guys, all right, See ya Returnal. Mental health is as important as physical health. The previous podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression in all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gaye. Each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.

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