Previa Alliance Podcast

Why Everything Always Depends on Mom

November 13, 2023 Previa Alliance Team Season 1 Episode 80
Previa Alliance Podcast
Why Everything Always Depends on Mom
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Have you ever said to yourself, "If I don’t do it, then who will?" Today we're talking about all the things moms end up doing because 'no one else will.' More importantly, we'll talk about how we can STOP this cycle, so moms don't burn out. As the holiday season is upon us, this is the perfect time to learn how to find more balance in your life.

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Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney and we are the holiday season.

Speaker 2:

Yay Christmas time.

Speaker 1:

You know, and I guess what I'm hearing from my mom friends I'm feeling is why does it always fall on mom?

Speaker 2:

That's a good question. Like why that's a very good question. I wish I had the answer to it. I think there's a few reasons.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So when you're someone like me that's type A, and you have a hard time delegating and letting things go, oftentimes we think you know what. It's just easier if I just do it myself. Uh-huh, that's a big thing, Honestly. We are so even prior to motherhood. We're kind of so in the like, household management stage. Yep, we take that on and then motherhood kicks in, and whose responsibility is it to know about pregnancy, labor and delivery, breastfeeding, car seat safety, all of those things? It falls on mom.

Speaker 1:

Well, you bring up a good topic, right, because it's like middle load. Oh, yeah, for sure. So the middle load is not seen, but it's all those endless hours that we're researching the best. Like even from pregnancy. What should I eat? What should I not eat? Correct Like what's the best car seat? Yeah, which hospital do I want to deliver at? Exactly which OB? What am I going to put on the registry?

Speaker 2:

What formula are we going to do? What?

Speaker 1:

formula. Are we going to do what PASSE works?

Speaker 2:

Uh-huh. Okay, then it's like what bottle are we going to go with? What pediatrician are we going to use?

Speaker 1:

Then you have the baby and then the baby doesn't go as planned because why would they Right? And you're googling okay, this didn't work. What's wrong now? Yeah, so the middle load we have been carrying for a long time, and I would even say the middle load probably started when you got engaged.

Speaker 2:

Oh for sure, because who does the majority of the wedding planning?

Speaker 1:

The what so who?

Speaker 2:

goes to? Who do people go to to figure out wedding details?

Speaker 1:

The shower details, the bride. So we have had this for a while, and so it's no different that Holliday's hit, and Ellen Griswold said this famous quote. Well, clark, I don't know what to say, other than it's Christmas is, we're all in misery.

Speaker 2:

I don't disagree.

Speaker 1:

I don't disagree either, and I don't think we're being negative here. I don't think she was being negative. I think it's the misery that is. It's so much on mom and it's too much on one person. It's so stressful. I mean, if you're thinking about your buying gifts, okay, you're managing a financial budget constraint, correct. You're navigating school breaks, childcare, sicknesses, always. Who does the family reach out to 99% of the time to ask what your child wants to tell you? what their child wants for Christmas what to get his mother for Christmas. Yeah, not even your mother. And we're also on this perfect quest for, like the magic maker, magic maker. And it's like that goes back to.

Speaker 2:

Disney. Okay, I can't make all the magic We've pretend to, which we pretend to. And then where does it land us?

Speaker 1:

So it's overpacked, right, it's too much, and we see ourselves frantically running around like chickens with our heads cut off to the last minute, exhausted schedules, out of whack, and it just feels too much.

Speaker 2:

It is too much and I know I've talked about this in a previous episode, but there's a book called Fair Play and you go through all the tasks that you do and then you write down everything that goes into that task and it's a lot like baseline.

Speaker 1:

It's a lot.

Speaker 2:

And then we throw in Christmas in the mix and you talk about buying gifts Not just for family, but also for the Christmas parties that your kid is going to be going to, for the teacher gifts.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

Then you're going to be looking at okay. Well, what am I supposed to bring for the Christmas parties and all of these?

Speaker 1:

I mean you're trucking down and you're like, oh my gosh, johnny needs cupcakes for his second party. And then you're like, oh wait, I didn't buy this person a gift. Oh, then I've got this work party. It's a lot. All of my kids sick.

Speaker 2:

Always and I was left. I was like what is flu, cold RSV season.

Speaker 1:

It's a hard season.

Speaker 2:

It's a hard season and then, if you work, you have to maintain your job. On top of all of that.

Speaker 1:

Because I was going to say when schools closed out for like two weeks, there's not more.

Speaker 2:

I can't take up two weeks. We can't just stop.

Speaker 1:

And then the odds are that you and your partner or your spouse, whoever you're, both not just magically off so say, if you're, say, oh, bob, right, and you're used to that preschool and you can have a break, you can get the house stuff to. Your kids are home and it's a dumpster fire. It's a dumpster fire or you're trying to work from home? Oh, and you're people get all the credit in the kudos here comes your zoom calls where you know your kids pop it up and it just feels like You're gonna crumble.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, and you do coming the cookies gonna crumble, it has to.

Speaker 1:

There's a term I was reading about called the third shift, mmm, and that is what a bomb clocks out of her normal daily work hours or home responsibility hours, right? So this for most moms, looks like you know, if it's five, six o'clock, you get home, you tag in the third shift, you get the babies down, you get a fit, you know. Then you do everything you haven't got to get done.

Speaker 2:

You got a hustle you got a hustle.

Speaker 1:

So then you find yourself on Amazon. You find yourself wrapping presents.

Speaker 2:

You find yourself against some Amazon no.

Speaker 1:

Proud shipping, get here two days, even better. Then you just find yourself doing a whole lot more tasks, and that could be I mean physical tasks, from like the dishes and laundry they have set there, to the mental task of like, oh we have these pictures, oh we need this outfit, oh my gosh, I have to play a decorate the house for Christmas. Yeah, or you could say you know, if you're trying to buy play tickets, all those things that a fairy people think comes, it, does Love, does it.

Speaker 2:

Again, we are the magic creators.

Speaker 1:

We are the magical fairy that comes through and does it all, and so again it goes back to the Unequal distribution of the middle load. That feels super heavy, and the hardest thing is it's unseen.

Speaker 2:

And so your partner don't get it.

Speaker 1:

No, okay, and that is appreciation and lack of appreciation. I think it's never one reason why moms feel resentful. Oh yeah, I mean, now let's be real. Is our babies gonna say thank you, mommy ever?

Speaker 2:

No, right, that's totally like we're not saying that, and I can't project that on to my kids for them to say Thank you every single time I make a meal. No but when you do this day in, day out, all of these things that you're constantly doing, when it goes unnoticed, unseen, but if you don't do it, then it's like, well, why wasn't this done? Uh-huh like a prime example. Last year was my oldest daughter's first year of kindergarten, who packed her snack and a paperback every single day of school. Last week I sure did. And you know what? There was one day I didn't do it, and the reason I didn't do it was field day. Okay so I knew that they were gonna be having snacks and ready honestly, I was like why am I gonna pack a snack? right when I know you're gonna have popsicles there and I'm gonna check you out early and we can just go grab something. Yeah after field day hey, I got called up on my child. Well, she said mommy, why didn't you pack my snack? I was like is you were having popsicles at snack?

Speaker 1:

Oh, I get a snack review a lot. I'm like well, why did you do strawberries today?

Speaker 2:

And I'm like what's wrong with strawberries? Exactly, I thought she likes the mister you liked him yesterday.

Speaker 1:

So I mean, it goes to that, like you're like I am already doing everything, and I think if we don't do, we get called out. Yeah you don't get called out or you know this I always go back to if you are not the one doing the middle load Lifting of your family, you do not get to comment. If she seems forgetful or she forgets something right or like that is, you do not get to comment on that. You do not get to say your territory. Mom brain, you don't get to be like what do you mean? You didn't forget that. What do you mean? Okay, cuz she's carrying the load of everybody. So that is one thing. I'm like oh, you don't get to do that If you don't want to keep these 15 to do list in my head.

Speaker 2:

Right, you don't get to comment on that right, but I will say, to be a little bit of a devil's advocate here, and I'm talking to myself. We also have a little bit of a personal responsibility which does add to our mental. It to say I need help.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I need to delegate out, yeah. I need you to take over dishes. I need you to take over Closing up shop at night like wiped down the countertops.

Speaker 1:

Well and I think I hear this are a lot of moms is they did it, but they didn't do it all the way.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I feel that in my soul, cuz I'm the same way and they're like it just it sends me into like rage. Well, and that is one where we communicate our expectations of what is actually it being completed. What does that look like? And I have to Swallow this pill to sometimes, how my husband goes from point A to point B is not how I would do it, uh-huh, but if point B still is the same end result, I have to be okay, letting that go a little bit you.

Speaker 1:

So it's like, okay, maybe the dishes weren't put away Exactly correct, maybe they did the bathroom, but they didn't do the mirror, the mirror. And you walk in and I'm guilty, we're all guilty. You don't see the ninety, nine point, nine percent of the bathroom. You see the smudges on the mirror and you go kid, you're not just. Get this, get this, because then it feels like I Can't give anything up Because I still got to do something, and then you just feel I don't know, you're like my time's like your control, just feels like why I, this is why I can't give control, right, and it just you cycle, yeah, and then you point out the smudge on the mirror into them.

Speaker 2:

I've never good enough, Mm-hmm yeah this is why I don't help. I had to say that's why I don't bring it up right, because I can't handle that extra mental load either. Okay, cuz.

Speaker 1:

Then you get this thing of like Did you feel bad? Yeah, I Know we're.

Speaker 2:

I don't be a bill thought the only people that go through that like I've said before in another episode where my husband has gotten when he starts to help out with my kids laundry which I appreciate he washes it, he dries it, he folds it and he puts it away. But the way he folds t-shirts is just I don't. I don't understand why that.

Speaker 1:

I see you getting hops now like I really dislike it.

Speaker 2:

Here's my type a really coming. It doesn't make sense, it is not logical, it makes absolutely no sense. But do I say anything? No, I do not, because I don't want to lose that help and that assistance. So will there be times where, if my kids are upstairs playing and I just go in there and I fold them the curry foot?

Speaker 1:

Yes, I do. Do you feel your body relax? Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

But is it worth bringing up to my husband?

Speaker 1:

No, it's not, and it's something you just have to learn as time goes and I'm doing better, yeah, cuz you've had those moments right, yeah, that you're just like, oh gosh, okay, I should have said that, but it goes back to what kid you actually do if you're not gonna give it up. Start early, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

Honestly, we start our Christmas shopping and about August yeah, yeah, you know, after my youngest birthday at least, because she's still in that toddler stage I can go ahead and start buying for her. I can start buying for family members if I'm like oh, that's really nice. I like that like prime day is coming up. Yeah that's a great time, like our family. We do kind of like the nice White elephant thing. So it's like you buy a gift that's guy or girl and it's about 25 30 dollars. Yeah, and you basically do dirty Santa, but it's with nicer gifts. Yeah, let me tell you, I'm gonna be hitting up some prime day and be getting our gift game.

Speaker 1:

But you know that's the stuff that even you guys do a dirty Santa Like it's standard, buying Everybody a gift.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, we can't you make that.

Speaker 1:

I mean, there's some families. They're like oh no, we're gonna get ever kid this or we're gonna know, it's just not a Financially reasonable for most people very large extended family.

Speaker 2:

We can't do that.

Speaker 1:

And then be has that time Right. So it's like if you could say hey, listen, there's now 15 grandkids, let's make dirty Santa with them, let's all get something good or the adults. It's just like let's do this so yeah much prefer the gift gang. Yeah, I'll load that Delegate. I will say, if you can delegate, delegate that is like I know there is tons of churches and high schools that will do. Don't wrap your presents for you for like cheap, because it's a charity thing. Yeah, okay, for it there, for it go.

Speaker 2:

And if you're hosting Christmas and you want to do home-cooked food, assign everybody something. Yes, hey, here you go. Here's the list. We need desserts, we need meats, we need side dishes. Say, pick something off of there. Or this is what my family did last year, but again we were in such a heavy season, we were very yeah. We had it. I say catered like we had just ordered Italian food ahead of time, uh-huh, and we brought it in doesn't say.

Speaker 1:

No one says like you have to have X for Thanksgiving, christmas and hot, you could get whatever you need to order pick up, they can deliver it always done pizza delivery on Christmas Eve.

Speaker 2:

Every single Christmas we have been together. That is their tradition, and one time I looked at my mother on I said you're brilliant, you're brilliant like you're a genius because Domino's or Pizza Hut or Papa John's somebody does the scutwork. They bring it to you and you just use paper plates and stuff and like guess what like if you are running around Going.

Speaker 1:

Oh my god, the problems burning the mashed potatoes are dead. I forgot the sour cream, I didn't wrap, so with this present and you're looking around and you're not enjoying rights.

Speaker 2:

Come on.

Speaker 1:

It's not worth it. So at some points it's just like, especially if you're in these churches years, do what you need to do.

Speaker 2:

Delegate grocery pick up Paper products to eat off of for the month of December, I mean focus more on traditions versus over-scheduled, like.

Speaker 1:

if there's one thing that feeds a lot to you, if it's the analytes, oh my gosh Okay, our kids love to go. Look at like put up with the PJs.

Speaker 2:

We did every night in the month of December because they love it. And let me tell you I don't know what had happened. It was mid December and I was just tapped out Like I was just mentally exhausted.

Speaker 1:

There's a million reasons why I think you could have been tapping off.

Speaker 2:

Just take your pit. I'm sure it's accurate, I won't deny it. And I remember picking the girls up and I think initially I had planned on spaghetti for supper that night and my oldest was like mommy, can we get Chick-fil-A tonight? Yes, baby, we sure can. Can we go look at lights? Not, yes, we can. We will go look at lights as soon as we get Chick-fil-A. Let me tell you, my girls were like we got to have a car picnic and look at lights.

Speaker 1:

That's a thing, kids, they loved it. You don't need a lot.

Speaker 2:

You don't.

Speaker 1:

We all fall victim to Instagram and. Pinterest and Facebook, whatever I mean, but social media is made to compare ourselves. You're just like. You have no idea what's behind that person's, what they're showing you. You have no idea when they filmed that. They could have filmed that six months ago and had content ready to go.

Speaker 2:

Correct you just never know you.

Speaker 1:

they could have so many things going on and they could also be in the most depressive stage of their life. You have no idea.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I did. That's actually what we call masking.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

It's where someone looks like they have it all together, but really they're struggling with depression, anxiety, OCD, but they look like they have it all together. They're masking.

Speaker 1:

I'm asked with my post-fire impression, no one would have ever known Period. Just because, especially social media, they just would never have known. I think it made me feel like it wasn't real as well. And just realize again you don't compare yourself to anybody else's highlight reel and that is what it is. You are not a bad mom if you are not making the 15th Jitterbread House this season.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You are not a bad mom if you forgot that it was the school party. So you ran by Publix, you grabbed some chips and you threw that and said here you go, Merry Christmas.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, who cares? We always bring the store about food to the girls I was trying to do the napkins plates. Oh yeah, I was trying to do the napkins plates Run by the dollar store, because here's the beauty of that we got cute stuff at the dollar store.

Speaker 1:

I did Don't sleep at the dollar store.

Speaker 2:

But here's a little PSA.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Prime Day is next week. Go ahead and buy Christmas and Thanksgiving themed paper products. Yes. Well then when? Guess what? Christmas time rolls around, boom. I'm signing up for that. Yeah, and I already have it. I bought it in July.

Speaker 1:

If you could go ahead and I done, did it. If you could do it, do it. I guess what? After post-holiday sales, buy that stuff.

Speaker 2:

Okay, here's a little good PSA. Okay, if y'all have any local boutiques near you that carry super cute Christmas themed stuff, hit them up the day after Christmas.

Speaker 1:

Everything's like 60%.

Speaker 2:

Teacher gifts for the next year.

Speaker 1:

You just get you a little tub. Go to Lowe's, go home, tico, go on, get you a tub. Yeah, you label it yeah.

Speaker 2:

Your head. I do that every year. I'll go hit up local shops why not? And I'll get cute stuff and I'm like teacher gifts done.

Speaker 1:

And I'm like, oh, I'm going to get a Christmas decoration that you see. You're like how did she do all that? She probably went the day after, oh yeah, oh, target the day after on their Christmas decorations.

Speaker 2:

That's a great time to buy Christmas decor. There's some good stuff.

Speaker 1:

So I mean, it's just you're by, like, I think you know what you need a break. After holidays you need to get out. Go out, get yourself some stuff on sale and live your best life, Absolutely Another thing always say Three, celebrate vintage decorative decoration on Christmas decoration on Christmas Bottom. Do a little something for you, oh yes. And now if you're newborn, you're the trance is you're like, if I get 30 seconds, make sure sleep, that's something, okay, great, yeah we're not saying I'm winning the win. But if you can go out, you could have a coffee with your girlfriend, you could sit the parking lot, you could have that 10 minutes of time you could drink your coffee hot.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Do something every day to fill your cup in a season that is draining. It is like one of those cups that, like you, you know they give a test at a restaurant the other day and I was like what, what it just there was a hole at the bottom. Yeah, I was like, oh okay, it just can't hold. It can't hold. So that's. I want you to think about that if, like, what you need to do for yourself. And, again, go back to the appreciation. Sometimes family does not show appreciation Enough and then holidays it really feels like they don't correct so voice certainly.

Speaker 2:

Yep, get it out get it out.

Speaker 1:

Showing kindness in this season, as cliche as that sounds, can help refrain well.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it is a good way of reframing because, Unfortunately and I think, this economy has made things worse, so worse where, if we're able to give five dollars to somebody at the salvation Army the guy that's ringing the bell, or when I used to work Down town at a hospital here you know frequently you'd have people that would be standing at the red lights asking for cash or whatever. You know, if you have five dollars in a granola bar, give that to them and it does help. You think, okay, yes, there are some hard things in my life. Yes, I am mentally drained, I am mentally exhausted. However, I have the ability to share this with somebody else and that's a good place to be there are so many women's and children's Shelters that need things, especially during the holiday season if you are purging Because your kids have outgrown, you know there's gonna be families gonna give whatever. Now you got a thing and I need cuz. You know we're, we're two and done. Uh-huh so I need to start putting my youngest away so I can donate it.

Speaker 1:

Donate it cuz a truly children's shelters, and I learned this because the VA I used to work with at Tennessee we had a safe house on campus, yeah, so that if the partner, whoever came, that it was a federal offense that they got charged with, so it's better. But there was such an influx around holidays, absolutely so those kids having something special, something that's theirs is so you know, think about that, foster families, shelters, I mean there's so much if you look inside your community. Oh, absolutely. It really is to give when you're not feeling appreciated, just try it. You may be like Sarah, that's a load, it's not. Yeah, give it a try. They come back and say you know it's right, yeah it may not fix everything.

Speaker 2:

With you not feeling appreciated, it can increase your feelings of gratitude and empathy towards others.

Speaker 1:

It'll open it up enough so you can get shake a little bit out that mindset yeah and that's sometimes all you need is you do use a little reframe. I, you know, maybe my family don't tell me I'm thank you for wrapping every gift, thank you for playing this bill, but maybe you look around. You see their faces. Yeah you know, you get those hugs, and then, in the day though, say no to things you don't have to do, correct? Boundaries like hello to have boundaries.

Speaker 2:

Boundaries are not a bad thing. No they can be uncomfortable to put in place, but you don't even have to announce when you're putting a boundary in place. No, you can just say I'm so sorry, our schedule so full, we can't make it. It's okay to simply say no. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm sorry that's not gonna work. That you know, the mom who said they're going, her mental math of okay, my baby naps during when we're eating and she knows that the baby's not gonna sleep and she's gonna be the one taking the baby, mm-hmm, rocking, walking around dealing with that, not eating, and she's like I'm not doing it this year.

Speaker 2:

She's, maybe she's pregnant.

Speaker 1:

Maybe she's over it. Maybe she don't want to answer these questions.

Speaker 2:

Whatever her mental health, she's like I'm or if you've got an ally in your family. Uh-huh and you know that you might have some sensory overload. Yeah you go to the get together. Yeah well, when it's babies now time and you have to go rock them, let your ally know that and maybe they can bring you a plate of food. And when your baby's napping, you'd have to eat one-handedly, but maybe we've all done it. But maybe you can, you know, eat in peace and quiet while your baby naps on you, and that can be your break.

Speaker 1:

I'll never forget. I was somewhere, forget it is will. And an older mom saw me and it was clearly one of those situations where everybody was eating I wasn't you know and she brought me over Subpa and she was like this is she's? Like, is this weird if I say I'll feed you if I have to? I was like no, thank you. And I, just, like I remember, start crying because I was like no one had seen me. God love Bill, he didn't even recognize. You know, at that point he was just trying to Don't even think I was really in depression at that moment. I think I was just struggling and I just thought, gosh, so we're to the rise, like if you are out of this stage where you could eat, your babies could eat, and they can potty on their own and you could kind of like, let'll be. If you see that, mom, that was me in the corner yeah, tag in. Yeah, after check in.

Speaker 2:

Do you need food? Do you need drink?

Speaker 1:

Totally okay for you.

Speaker 2:

Totally okay. I need to hold the baby so you can go to the bathroom, whatever you need, she's got it.

Speaker 1:

But just know, at the end of the day You're not alone. This is a season. We'll keep saying this to you. It's a season because it's a hard season, but we are gonna be here through it. We have a hey Whitney coming up later on and we're gonna hit some more kind of personal questions. So we're not done with this holiday season. We're here with you, but guys, hang in there.

Speaker 2:

That's right.

Speaker 1:

Eat just some chocolate. Get your snack when you need it, stay hydrated show pass take your nap, make your to-do list, voice journal, rage room. It's realized just really truly social media is not real life right now. Yeah keep that just in the back of your head, Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

It's a highlight reel for everybody all of us included.

Speaker 1:

Okay, guys, till next time, see ya. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The premium lion's podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even athlete. Posted by CEO founder Sarah Parkers and licensed clinical social worker Whitney gay. Each episode focus on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.

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