Previa Alliance Podcast

Hey Whitney Holiday Edition!

December 04, 2023 Previa Alliance Team Season 1 Episode 83
Previa Alliance Podcast
Hey Whitney Holiday Edition!
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Join Sarah and Whitney as they get candid about their own experiences navigating tricky family dynamics around the holidays. From tussling with relatives over politics to setting boundaries with confrontational kin, they shed light on it all. They even tackle an unusual scenario involving a grandmother-to-be who insists on being called "mom" by her soon-to-be-born grandson, and how you can peacefully address such peculiar situations. So, tune in for a hearty chat over a cup of hot cocoa, and remember, it's okay to put your needs first!

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Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney and we are at our holidays. So this is hey Whitney Holiday Edition. Hey, hey, okay, you ready? Yes, all right. Hey, whitney, my uncle and I have opposite views on politics of life. You'll always try to start to argue it in front of a crowd of room. Any tips on how to avoid this? Seems like Uncle probably baits her. Probably loves the big crowd.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to assume this is Aunt Brenda's husband.

Speaker 1:

I would say so Okay, yep.

Speaker 2:

So it's one of those. He is seeking it out. It's what I'm understanding.

Speaker 1:

by the way, this is written it appears he's seeking controversy, he's seeking polarization, he's seeking the drama.

Speaker 2:

He's trying to stir the pot.

Speaker 1:

He wants it.

Speaker 2:

They're talking and all of a sudden, we're in a heated discussion. He kind of does it intentionally.

Speaker 1:

It seems like he knows her triggers or hot topics and he will probably pounce over the cranberry sauce and let her try to see where she goes. Got it.

Speaker 2:

That's kind of what I was just, I guess, clarifying in that is, making sure that he is intentionally doing this. It's not just ooh, we had a conversation, we've got differing opinions. Boom, now we're in an argument.

Speaker 1:

It really seems like this is a pattern.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So the point with this is maybe jaded or not. Good as this may sound, avoid him. Make sure there is that physical space and distance. Not saying you can't be civil, you can't say hello, but depending on how the layout of the house is, if you know that he's going to sit at the table that's in the kitchen, maybe you go sit at the table that's in the dining room, vice versa. Try to create that space as much as you can. Now, if he still pursues it and is very kind of intentional or intent with doing that, just say you know what, uncle Bob, I'm just really not okay talking about this right now. Let's just enjoy the holidays. If he continues to do that, just say okay, I know that you really want to talk about this. We need to find a time outside of the holidays to talk about it. If you keep pushing me, I'm going to leave because this is not how I want to remember Thanksgiving, christmas, whatever it is Just really set those physical boundaries and then conversation boundaries.

Speaker 1:

Just because someone says something to you, you do not have to respond. That does not mean you're weak, you're actually stronger.

Speaker 2:

You're not taking that bait. You're picking your battles.

Speaker 1:

That's okay. We all got to pick our battles, and especially in already a stressful season, If you have kids, you're trying to get whatever it is that extra on you already. In general talk about religion politics, it's just sometimes best to let's not add to it when we've already have internal family issues. We don't need to just bring out more because people are so divisive now and they're split.

Speaker 2:

I hate to say it. Our devices have made us so confrontational and confident with confrontation.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, the keyboard warriors right Chances are Uncle Bob over here.

Speaker 2:

He probably really loves to get in the comments section on social media. He's got an opinion about everything. You know what. We can all have opinions. We can all have our opinions and our opinions may differ, but I can still be respectful. Exactly that's all we're asking for is respect. If he's not willing to give that, then you can leave.

Speaker 1:

I always say I really need to go grab a drink, would you like one? I'm going to go back or to say hey, are you slipping?

Speaker 2:

something in his drink. Sarah, I thought about it. No, the way you said that, I was like what's coming back in that drink?

Speaker 1:

You never know what you got to do. Here it's a surprise. It's a surprise, but you're going to be. I think, knowing that this is a head, it's good. If you're listening to that, you're like, oh, I don't think I have to deal with that. Well, in case you ever do, you now know to set those boundaries and just say, hey, I want to enjoy this meal. Let's have this conversation another day Exactly.

Speaker 2:

We can set up a day in time and we can talk about it and we can be civil about it. However, christmas or Thanksgiving or Hanukkah get together.

Speaker 1:

That's not when we're going to do that.

Speaker 2:

We're not going to do that and also I don't want my kids to witness that. No, and that's a thing I want my kids to see healthy conflicts, healthy conflict resolution and problem solving. I don't want them to see me and my uncle going head to head on something.

Speaker 1:

You fix the destable with the fork. You just don't need that. So I think that we're all going to probably encounter something.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, you see, we're already on edge during this season.

Speaker 1:

I mean road rage, right? I mean we're all at our tipping point, so this is not surprising. But I think she'll be good. Set your boundaries and tell your uncle another day, another time. That's right, okay? Hey, whitney, my mother-in-law is insisting that my son, soon to be born son, call her mom. No, ma'am, I wish I was kidding. She sees nothing wrong with it and I know this will come up during holidays. Help me shut this down. I don't know.

Speaker 2:

I'm a little floored just because and I understand this as your mother-in-law wants your son, who's not born yet, to call her mom, exactly.

Speaker 1:

And not you, mom.

Speaker 2:

Uh-huh, I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to have her own special grandma name.

Speaker 1:

But mom ain't it.

Speaker 2:

But, mom, is not it that you are mom, uh-huh, and that if she wants to be momo, sure, uh-huh, she can be grandmommy? I mean anything like that. But Gigi, what? Yeah, gigi, my mom is honey.

Speaker 1:

Glam mom, we got a nana.

Speaker 2:

Like just her being called mom is not okay. And here is one where I would actually get your husband to help you, because I did see this where it talks about if there's conflict on your side of the family, you go address it. If there's conflict on your husband's side of the family, he goes and addresses it. And I really do agree with that, because we do know our family's better we do, and so they are more likely to listen to us. We can have those conversations, we can have that reconciliation. So I would talk with your husband and say you know what? I'm not okay with your mom being called mom by our kid. That's just not appropriate. And have him come in and do that. Now, if she comes to you and says, oh, so and so said that you didn't want your son to call me mom, I don't see the issue with it. And that's where you may have to be firm and assertive not mean, but firm and assertive and say that's accurate. I am not okay with that. It goes beyond just a discomfort. Feels ancestral, yeah Well, and it's just. It's an overstepping of boundaries, it's inappropriate and that you know. If she wants a special grandma name, that's fine, but it's going to be a grandma name and not mom, mama or mommy. Just it's not, no, no, shut that down. And here's the thing If it comes up after baby is born, because you don't, will you know, we'll nip it in the bud then and there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know, the only thing I had experience with this was my mother-in-law had said my baby, how it's my baby.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that drives me.

Speaker 1:

And I said you're 40 something, six foot seven baby. I said he's okay, you can call him yeah, and she's she's like. What do you mean? I said no, no, no, that's, that's not your baby, that's my baby.

Speaker 2:

Correct your baby is a grown man.

Speaker 1:

And she's like, oh, I didn't know you didn't like that. And I was like, no, I don't like that. It didn't rub me the right way, probably didn't handle it the right way, but it is what it is.

Speaker 2:

It is what it is.

Speaker 1:

So I think when it comes to your kid, you grew, you delivered, you had the right for what that child is around, what they call people who they see. And I think it even goes to this If she ain't going to respect you, then you have a right to say if you're not going to respect my wishes and boundaries here. It puts pause to how we go to continue this relationship.

Speaker 2:

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Because then it goes into it's a little thing, right. She may be like oh, it's just a name, but it's like, what's if your kid has an allergy later on, right? And you're like I do not want her going to X because of this peanut butter allergy and I know, this is there. Correct and she takes the kid, or was it? If it's like, don't do X and she pushes it because she doesn't respect your boundaries. So start early and stay strong on that one, and Godspeed, friend, because-.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's an terrible situation to be in.

Speaker 1:

Your husband needs to nip it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, get his help, get his support, yeah and other families should be saying no, no no, and you can even say that you wouldn't want your mom to be doing that that way they understand that the playing field it's even.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay, no, all right on to a different one. Hey, Whitney, my baby's only two months old. I'm not ready for her to be passed around or, honestly, in large crowds. Fair, any tips to navigate this? I mean, so we are in holidays and our babies that have just been born.

Speaker 2:

Cold flu RSV season.

Speaker 1:

RSV is, you know, nicu babies. Even if you're not NICU, I mean, especially if we're early, we're compromised medically. Germs, colds, you know it's Exactly, it's so much. So, basically, a common cold to us can kill a baby. Oh yeah, so you're not being extreme, you're not being whatever here. So what I did is I just didn't go.

Speaker 2:

I was about to say-.

Speaker 1:

I just didn't go and I said my pediatrician recommended we do it Reconvited. We do not be around large crowds in small spaces. You know, during COVID we all had a good excuse. You know we were isolated. But then even after that we still kind of hug onto that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it depends on your comfort level, like how big or the family get together Is it you, your significant other? And like your parents.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, is that a? Crowd that you're comfortable in Versus like 30 people.

Speaker 2:

Exactly so. If it's a smaller, of like six or less people, that's when you set the rules of. You have to be well for two weeks. Do not kiss the baby. End of discussion. No wiggle room. Do not kiss my child. Do not kiss them on the face. Do not kiss them on the head. Don't kiss them on the back of the neck.

Speaker 1:

Don't kiss them on the hands, because what the babies do? They put it in their mouth Exactly. Don't kiss their feet, no.

Speaker 2:

Because even if you have an older baby that can actually get foot to mouth you don't want that to happen. No, because they're still going to have a weaker immune system. Yup, so figure out, are you okay with a small get together? Set the boundaries of no kissing. Set the boundaries of you have to be well for two weeks. If you're going to hold the baby, you have to wash your hands.

Speaker 1:

So say you have to go. I did this track with James.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You got to go, you don't want to go.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

It's fine, baby wear.

Speaker 2:

Oh yes, Put that baby on you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you're going to get a carrier Because people think babies and their instinct gets to grab it's to touch.

Speaker 2:

Drives me nuts especially older generations.

Speaker 1:

They want to hold the baby past the baby. You know, I've ever had somebody tell me oh, we've passed all your cousins babies. I'm just like that. It's different. It's different, it's great, fine, but you're not my.

Speaker 2:

I'm a different person. I'm not down.

Speaker 1:

So I baby wore and it just was like I did have people be like are you gonna take him out? I was like, no, no, I'm not, I'll have to. And if you're out in public, I will say this is a trick to if you keep on the car seat, you, baby wear. They make these little sides, you can make your own, oh yeah that says do not touch your germs are too. You're too big for me Put that side, because people, people are crazy. They'll come out in public and try to touch your baby.

Speaker 2:

I mean just like when you're pregnant They'll try to touch your belly and they don't know you. Thank God for covid in some ways, because that was one thing my first baby was not a covid baby. I don't remember vividly being at the grocery store and this old lady came and just started rubbing my belly, isn't it? Weird it is because I don't know that lady. Still to this day Don't know her name and I just looked her and I said what are you doing? She goes oh, I just can't help myself. I said well, you need to. It's called a physical boundary, exactly. No one asked you to do this, especially me, because I hated people touching my stomach.

Speaker 1:

I had patients do that when I was still bedside nursing practice and I remember one day I specifically stepped way back because I saw his hand and he's like I just need to fill your aura and I said no sir, no, sir, no, sir, and I or a and I. So I said excuse me and I stepped out of the room and I brought back one of my Velco workers and I was like you're just gonna be here present for this, because we've already.

Speaker 2:

I said you're not gonna touch me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah and if you do it again, that I remove myself from this situation.

Speaker 2:

But then wild, yeah. But then covid hit and no one touched my belly in public and then we had one of those little canopies that went everybody loves little canopies.

Speaker 1:

In the winter it's great. Now the summer babies can't over. Yeah, I was gonna say I wouldn't she was an August baby.

Speaker 2:

But if I'm in the store with the stroller, yeah, nobody would just come up and lift the canopy.

Speaker 1:

But if I didn't have the canopy, they would peak, they would get all up in there.

Speaker 2:

And so, if it is a temperature-controlled Canopies are a great way to kind of have that physical barrier for so many reasons.

Speaker 1:

I mean, you just cannot assume people have covid, since no, oh no, we can assume they don't have it Uh-huh. So don't feel bad. Set your boundaries, baby wear. If you have to go, say no, blame it on your pediatrician. If it's your husband's family, your boyfriend's family, your partner's family, have them say yeah, yeah we're not okay with this. We have to protect our baby. It is RSV season. We're not comfortable with that.

Speaker 2:

We will catch y'all in the new year or you know, again break it down into smaller groups.

Speaker 1:

Well, they start you well, whatever, yeah, I mean, I would just say no that, however you handle it, you ain't wrong, correct? So, and if someone has an issue with that, that's all they have got you. Yes so do what's best for your baby, because no one else is gonna do as best for you and your baby but you, okay. Hey, whitney, I have a hard time saying no Holidays. I find myself running everywhere and realize I'm not serving anyone or myself. Ha any people please or help? Apparently I submitted this question.

Speaker 2:

Did we write this?

Speaker 1:

I did, apparently I could tell her about her childhood too? She would like, but we want good. Well, that's another, that's a different episode.

Speaker 2:

So I feel this because I do have a hard time saying no, I am a people pleaser. I know that we live far. I mean I'm well aware of my faults with that Try to work on it. Yeah, working on it, it's. It's progress over perfection, right now. So, with this, ask yourself do you really have the capacity to do something? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something? Now, I get it. If it's at work and you're given another assignment, that's kind of a different ballgame. If we're looking at extras, like Christmas parties, can you do a PTO thing? Can we bring this and this and this or stuff like that. Ask yourself, do you have the capacity for it? Uh huh, do you want to do it? Do you want to do this? If you don't, don't.

Speaker 1:

I can tell you how the thing is. I did last season. I was like I don't want to do.

Speaker 2:

Uh huh, I went. My husband was a church as a youth minister. I felt like they owned our calendar for the month of December. It was miserable.

Speaker 1:

Well, the schools own your calendar. You know, in the whole this whole month and between early dismissals, class parties plays all the things, all the things Work parties.

Speaker 2:

We get notice.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, no. So you know, feeling it's saying no feels really hard at first. It is hard Cause it's a guess, like how we're in grade yeah.

Speaker 2:

But again ask yourself do you want to do this? Yeah, Do you have the capacity for it mentally and physically? Think of it almost like a budget. Yeah, Okay, If you have a budget. Let's just say you're going to go buy a new car. Your budget is $25,000. Let's not go looking in the 50,000s. Okay, Exactly why in the world are you going to go look at this top of the line luxury vehicle? That's $75,000. You don't have the means for it. And so ask yourself the same thing when it comes to holidays and going and doing Do you have the means for it? Do you want to do it? If the answer to either of those is no, then just say I'm so sorry, we can't make it. I appreciate the invitation. Yep, you don't always owe somebody an explanation. You could just say we can't make it.

Speaker 1:

We have a conflict.

Speaker 2:

Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And that's okay, that's okay.

Speaker 2:

We can't be all things to all people.

Speaker 1:

No, I guess what. Everybody's going to have a conflict during this time. I'm sorry, but they are. And that's fine. And also your conflict can be your mental health.

Speaker 2:

So that's okay. It might make your anxiety go through the roof.

Speaker 1:

There are some situations they're the holidays that for sure make my anxiety go through the roof, oh yeah. I'm just like I don't want to do this no, so you don't have to. So the first thing is looking at yourself, looking at budget, your mental health, your time, your abilities, and then realize say no is okay. Exactly, say no to something is actually saying yes to something better.

Speaker 2:

Correct, yes.

Speaker 1:

So, if that need, if you need to reframe it and be like, oh, this, no, feels so negative, right, like you know, rest.

Speaker 2:

Well, and especially in the South, we're always taught to be there for others to serve others to do all the things but you and so no doesn't feel like something we can do. We don't feel empowered to say it and do it. But remind yourself again if you don't have the capacity for it, you are allowed to say no. And the more that you say no and recognize your own personal boundaries, the more empowered you will be to say no in the future, you know get easier.

Speaker 1:

I mean, it really will. It's like you got to put your mask on before you help others.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

So you're saying yes to you having a better you, your better for your kids, your spouse, your work, whatever Exactly so refraining, and it takes progress. The holidays are hard.

Speaker 2:

We all feel under pressure.

Speaker 1:

Okay, last one. Hey, whitney, holidays are always triggering to me. After our oldest was born on Christmas day in a traumatic fashion, I noticed the whole lead up. I fell off and no one understands it. No-transcript, I get this.

Speaker 2:

This is hard.

Speaker 1:

I still feel this way. I've been over about this, about my kids' birthdays, right. And then everybody's like oh, they're turning older, what you guys?

Speaker 2:

do Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And I'm just like gosh, it's a really hard time for me.

Speaker 2:

It is yeah.

Speaker 1:

So I can't imagine for Christmas, whereas in your face, it's in your face and it's in your face for so long, people start playing Christmas music after Halloween.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that drives, me nuts.

Speaker 1:

Here comes the lights, here comes the Christmas, and this mom would have probably I mean, it's her best day, but worst day of her life. I've taken it at her or her child Probably almost died.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it sounds like that the things were very imminent. And so to this mom, you really need to give yourself time to grieve Because that labor and delivery didn't go how you thought it would If there was near-death experiences. You do need to grieve that. You need to grieve that maybe your child has health complications now after delivery or a developmental delay, or that Christmas doesn't. Christmas always feels kind of tainted or stained because of this. So give yourself time to grieve. Christmas doesn't always have to be happy and joyful. The way it's honestly marketed to be. It is marketing.

Speaker 1:

Let's go back to it, it is, this is a marketing, this is a consumer.

Speaker 2:

It's all about propaganda.

Speaker 1:

It's about money to us to feel expectations of perfection and for us to make the magic, we got to go big. Go all out, it's a marketing scheme that social media has taken to the hundredth factor.

Speaker 2:

So to this mom, I mean definitely during the month of December, but very specifically on Christmas Eve. Christmas day I know we have a million things going on here I am adding to your to-do list, but I really need you to get up like 10 to 20 minutes before you think your kids are going to get up. I need you to take that time to grieve, to process, To cry. You know that it's a hard day anyway. There's already going to be the sensory overload, there's going to be overstimulation, there's going to be all the things. So give yourself 10 to 20 minutes of quiet to process that. You desperately need to process that.

Speaker 1:

Because I mean, I can tell you for first like serious, if you don't process it, it will constantly come up.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, I processed it.

Speaker 1:

I did EMDR therapy for trauma. I mean I had traumatic worse and I still, you know your body doesn't forget. So like it's even like you feel more tense, you carry that and seek out professional help. Absolutely, I would say if you're not in therapy, get in therapy, schedule your therapist, lead it up right after. And don't expect other people to get it because they don't, and I think I looked for validation for how I felt from other people who had no idea what I experienced.

Speaker 2:

And it felt very From people who can give you that empathy and validation Felt really shameful and dismissive and it wasn't their intentions. Yeah, no, it wasn't.

Speaker 1:

It just they couldn't relate, so you're going to have to go through this process.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's not a pleasant one.

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

But we can call it spade to spade. You can be prepared that it's not going to be pleasant. Take that expectation off yourself that you're going to sail through the holidays unaffected by this. Yeah, you, I think you should be affected. How could you not?

Speaker 1:

Because if you're not, then I'm going to say there's something bigger at play that we haven't addressed.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Just know it too. But I think now I'm at a point where I know certain dates are going to be hard for me. My family knows, my friends know, and that's okay.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1:

That's okay, like I've accepted it. I don't try to make it go away, right, but I've done the work and I never forget going through the trauma therapy. It felt like reliving the trauma because you do it in the process. So you almost I get the hesitation because you don't want to go through it again because it was so bad, exactly. But you have to go through it to put it away. So, again, seek out help, take time for yourself, call us, pay for what it is. It's a hard season and it doesn't even just have to be a traumatic birth, like it could be the death of someone, it could be a divorce, it could be an anniversary of anything that was a car wreck. It could be Exactly you remember a hospital admission, something for your childhood, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Or that Christmas doesn't look or feel like how you thought it would. Because, honestly, when we get older and we realize that we're the magic makers, sometimes we get a little jaded with Christmas and we don't enjoy it like we did when we were kids. Yeah, because we're the ones doing it.

Speaker 1:

So all these are valid and we're all going to go through something similar. So we hope this hey Whitney is insightful, helpful, keeps it in us questions. You guys can DM us on Instagram Our previous moms. You have a direct link to hey Whitney on every email and inside your dashboard.

Speaker 2:

So till next time, guys. Merry Christmas y'all.

Speaker 1:

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.

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