Lacey Douthat's Postpartum Journey

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. We are so excited today Lacey's back. You guys remember her and I will shout out Lacey to this. You are still one of the highest listened to episodes, most downloaded, so we are so happy to have her back and she is now a mother to he's one and going to share what has happened since we last spoke to you. So welcome, lacey.

Speaker 2: 0:39

Thank you for having me back. I'm super excited.

Speaker 1: 0:42

So how I'm trying to remember how far along were you pregnant when we talked.

Speaker 2: 0:47

Honestly, that feels like a whole different lifetime. I'm not sure, but I don't even know. I think it may have been right before we were going to announce. So I don't even think it's out of the first trimester yet.

Speaker 1: 1:02

So catch us up and tell us about pregnancy, delivery, and you've had a whole year postpartum, so you can really just fill us in.

Speaker 2: 1:15

Okay. Well, the rest of pregnancy after the last time I chatted with y'all was interesting. My anxiety was so bad and like I would talk about it but I don't think people really got like what I was trying to say. It was really bad Like I was convinced every single day that like he was going to die, really up until we had a scheduled C-section and up until the moment that I heard him cry, like I was convinced that I was going to have a stillborn. Like even up to that moment, even though, like they did, like the monitoring when we first came in, like prepping for the OR, I had heard his heartbeat, heard all of those things.

Speaker 2: 1:56

But in my mind like it just was so difficult for me to imagine anything that wasn't catastrophic, knowing what I know now, like we went back in January to see that providers at my fertility clinic and that was like so healing for me. Like I cried and it just felt so good to walk in there and like know that we did it. You know what I mean. You walk in. You don't know what you're going to walk out with. You could walk out with nothing. You could walk out with a little bit of stuff, like you could get pregnant and then lose the baby, like you just don't know. And they see all of those circumstances all the time on constant rotation. So it just felt really good to go back in there and like let them see Roan and kind of have that like healing moment together. Because even for them, like Jordan, who's the PA in the hospital office with Carol on its fertility like she told me that I was one of the patients that like she really struggled to like not connect with emotionally Because obviously, like you get being on my healthcare side of it, like you can't get emotionally invested because if you did, like you can't do your job. But even when I was there, like there was a point during treatments that I was in the lab like getting my blood drawn for whatever they were running that day and had a breakdown and I was like can you please get Jordan? And she came in and I was like I don't know if I can do this anymore, like I don't, I'm not okay, I don't know if I can do this anymore. And at that point they gave me some resources but I didn't utilize them and that's my biggest regret going into pregnancy and now even postpartum, that I didn't utilize that, but I just I wish that I had done that, because I think it would have made it all so much better because I was having some like the things that people talk about in like postpartum.

Speaker 2: 3:51

I was having those thoughts when I was pregnant, like I was convinced every day that like I was going to die, the baby was going to die. I still like Luke thankfully he's like a very patient person, but I have him text me. Like if he goes to the grocery store and then he's going to go do something else and then do something else, he has to text me at every single stop Because if not, like I'm going to spend the entire time thinking that he like died in a car crash. It's a lot, and I'm medicated, so like I would hate to think what it would be like if I wasn't medicated. But that like not to like scare people.

Speaker 2: 4:26

I think that if you know yourself in knowing now I knew that I had really bad anxiety before all of this and your hormones are just so crazy when you're pregnant and in postpartum and like for a long time postpartum, so I wish that I had like listened to what I knew about myself more, because I could have had a better experience, but I just kind of like sat in it and I didn't have to do that.

Speaker 2: 4:51

So I am a role of that. And we had some other things, like some family things that happened during pregnancy that were like really upsetting. That made it not the best experience. Obviously, on this side, like I love my child and I love being a mom, even though the anxiety has been hard, it's worth it. It's so worth it and I'm so grateful to be on the other side of it, because I don't you know even a lot of IVF patients like they don't get there. So just the fact that I'm here is a miracle in and of itself, but I do think I could have handled it a lot better going in. But I know that for next time you know what I mean Exactly.

Speaker 1: 5:29

That's what I was going to say. So now you know for that next journey and that's half the battle, I think, is knowing it right. And, like you said, and one thing that we have seen a lot with you know you're not alone in that I will say 50% of depression, anxiety, starts to your pregnancy. It really presents and we see that a lot of our moms and it starts as early as the first trimester. And I think if you've went through it's not think it's research based that, if you've went through infertility, if you've went through loss, if you have anxious personality, if you've struggled with anxiety or depression all your life, we always say it's kind of like a catalyst, those hormones, right, and you're going to bring that into pregnancy. And now you're the keeper of this child, right, it's in your body. Everything has essentially exploded in your life and you're dealing with that. So of course it's going to come up.

Speaker 1: 6:25

But we have found that people often in pregnancy they don't get asked okay, are you? Are you having anxious thoughts? Or if you are, they may say, well, you're pregnant, right, like. Or you know, of course you're anxious. Or if you say, well, you know, I'm worried about doing X, okay, well, you're trying to adjust right, when it's like we need to be asking those deeper questions like is it impacting like you not being able to do your normal life right? Is it impacting you not leaving the house? Is it impacting you not eating? Those kind of questions.

Speaker 1: 7:00

But they're just not asked during pregnancy. And the same with depression. You know depression symptoms. We've seen a lot during pregnancy and it's like, well, I just don't feel like eating. Oh well, you're probably nauseous, right? Or like there's always this justification that goes back to a normal pregnancy when in reality it's mental health. So I really am glad you're bringing up this topic because I think moms don't have the space to say I'm experiencing this during pregnancy and I don't think providers not because they don't want to know or don't want to help, but limited time, right, resources. It's kind of get in, get out, check you and you're still. I mean, it's hard to say in five minutes. My anxiety is so overwhelming and I had this thought today to them, right, like it's not that comfortable space.

Speaker 2: 7:52

Yeah, I think, too, I was really embarrassed by it. Yeah, I'm trying to be very retrospective of that time so that I can have a much better experience the next time and I'm kind of like breathing that into the air and being positive about it, because I wasn't that way before and I do have more belief in, like, my body and its potential and all of that, because it did carry a life and bring that life into the world and produce a healthy baby. So that helps definitely. Yeah, I just I think, because of what we went through and because I knew so many people that went through multiple rounds of IVF and didn't have success or had to use a gestational carrier, or even friends that struggled with different forms of infertility, like cervical incompetence and things like that, and lost babies midterm, I felt really guilty even talking about it, because I felt bad, like why am I feeling this way? Why am I struggling with this? Like all of these people have gone through so much more than me and you know it. Just, I felt a lot of shame around it because, like we've waited eight years for this child. We're finally here. We went through like all the things that we were afraid of and it worked for us and we're so blessed for that. And here I am sitting here like feeling like I'm going to die. Like it felt like that heavy.

Speaker 2: 9:21

Yeah, it really did, and I just didn't know how to ask for help or even how to like go about that, because I also didn't want to be judged for it either. I don't know, but I did. When we went and visited in January to our clinic, I told them I was like because they unfollow like when you're going through treatments, obviously because they can't like. But I was like I know y'all have seen that I was like mentally unwell from the moment I left here until Rome came and then even like now still struggling, and I said I want to be medicated the next time. And they were super supportive, said that they had so many patients that struggled with the same thing and like that we would work it out Like don't worry about it. And it made me feel good going in, knowing like I know what I'm getting into and I know that they support it and I don't have to like be worried about it going in. So we're just like prepped from the beginning, you know.

Speaker 1: 10:22

You made the comment about guilt and I've heard that so many from infertility women that you feel guilty to feel anything other than blessed or extremely happy during the pregnancy or postpartum. Yeah, so many, and that really breaks my heart. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:45

And makes you like I don't know. It's just so isolating because I thought I couldn't talk to anyone, Like even my husband, like I would try to talk to him, but like even then, I'm, like he should be able to be living in joy right now too, because, like he waited for this to obviously it's different for male partners, but he still waited this long to become a parent too, and it just made me so sad that like it was such a struggle and something that we thought, like from the moment we found out we were pregnant, it was just going to like remain that joyful and it just didn't. But yeah, I know like even now, like getting into like my journey postpartum, I can go ahead and just say that like I know that going into next pregnancy, I have been physically active. Like at that point, we're hoping, like later this year, to try to do another transfer if my body is ready for it. And I know that I've been physically active for so long. I know that I've been medicated for so long.

Speaker 2: 11:43

Like I have these tools in place already. Like I already know that my experience is going to be so much better Just because of the tools I have in place, that I didn't have the last time and I think for a lot of women like my, c section was planned but I know for a lot of women it's not and it's an emergency situation and that can bring a lot of frustration because it's much more difficult to have a vaginal delivery after a fat C section and they feel like their dream of vaginal birth is just like gone. But it's like you also know what you're going into and if you had an emergency C section the first time, as long as, like, everything's going pretty according to plan in your recurrent pregnancies you're going to have a scheduled C section, so it's going to be a different experience, like just feeling empowered going in that you know. At least you know what to expect, and it's not so very when you've done it already.

Speaker 1: 12:41

Yeah, no, totally. I mean, I think for me both my C sections one was emergent and one was scheduled that turned into hysterectomy unexpectedly. Of course I just switch now I don't have a uterus, so I say we are over uterus issues here in this household, so we are happy about that. But I will say the comments that sometimes people say to you when you've had a C section. I think it was a little off putting to me. Now I've had to and I sometimes, put on my mood, will respond in different ways. But I think it goes back to just like your feelings of shame and judgment. It's like even that we get shamed and judged on right, like how was your baby brought into this world? Like you know, was it IVF or was it, you know, natural with a plan versus not? You know, was it C section versus vaginal birth? It's vaginal with epidural versus unmedicated, like this whole, like rigmarole that people fill entitled to. And then it goes into how are you feeding your baby? And you're just like come on.

Speaker 2: 13:51

Yeah, and I didn't tell people like I still it's actually something on my list because I haven't posted on my blog since like 2021. But I pay money to keep it up every year, so I'm like I need to like get back on that. But I am going to share my birth story but I avoided it for so long Because people are just I just didn't want to deal with the judgment from it, so I can go ahead and like share it here and then, yeah, just be like a poster reference point. But I like throughout pregnancy I kind of was like a because my anxiety was so bad and thankfully my OB got that like I, she is the one that I walked with me through kind of like getting diagnosed. See, she did my laparoscopic surgery to fully diagnose my endo and like she was my pathway to fertility treatments with the better clinic, because at that point I think we had gone through two clinics and I was so frustrated and they all just told me I was fine and like we keep doing medicated cycles and like all this crazy stuff and just like so frustrated. So she was like my pathway and so I felt really comfortable with her and I think that she she could read the room and see how I was doing. So I was a less is more kind of person, like I didn't read the books, I didn't, like I already had so many catastrophic thoughts like I didn't want to see anything else that could go either way. I just wanted to try to keep panel vision and just keep going and not get overwhelmed like it was just going to be too much for me.

Speaker 2: 15:24

So we had no plan. I had no birth plan. I knew if I had a vaginal birth, I for sure wanted to be medicated and I knew that with IVF pregnancies it depends on practice. But in our practice they induce at 39 weeks and especially being in my 30s, like you know, they just wanted to be precautionary. So they were going to induce at 39 weeks and toward the end I was like I really don't know what to do. Like I truly did not know what to do.

Speaker 2: 15:51

I felt guilt and shame around potentially just scheduling a C section. But I also was very scared of labor and delivery and if it was something that I could have, like, waited for it to happen on its own, I don't think I would have been so scared. But I was scared of the induction process because I heard so many horror stories of inductions turning into emergency C sections and that's kind of like the jumping off point where I was like I don't know. We probably didn't even talk about birth plans until like 35 weeks, I don't think. And in that last like couple weeks we talked it over with my OB and obviously you still, because of scheduling, you have to sometimes see a different OB, whatever. But she my regular OB, was very supportive of whatever I wanted to do. I do know that OB is typically like to keep their numbers lower with cesareans if it's not medically necessary. But Ron, even now still is almost in the hundredth percentile for his head and he has wide shoulders and the potential for what is it called shoulder.

Speaker 1: 16:54

This where it gets dislodged or like stuck.

Speaker 2: 16:57

Yes, and after that happened I now have two friends that went through the same process and like ended up having to have an emergency C section. I kind of feel like every time I see that it's like God speaking to me and saying like you need to just like trust, that like I was telling you what to do. But we got to that point at I think 36 or 37 weeks is the earliest to let you schedule a C section. We went ahead and scheduled it and she put in notes like high potential for whatever it's called shoulder distortion, whatever it's called high potential for that. I put in all the stats because I mean you do kind of have to show purpose in the surgery. And I said if he comes on his own before that, I'll know that that's what I was supposed to do. If he does not, I'll know. This is what I was supposed to do. And I kind of just like left in God's hands and I was OK either way.

Speaker 2: 17:49

I had absolutely no signs of labor coming anytime soon. I had not dropped, I had not dilated Like at that point, like I went in for my last appointment and I was like am I supposed to get a cervical check? And she said I mean technically, yeah, but like we've already scheduled your C section so you really don't have to, but I can try. I'm like she couldn't even find my cervix, so like I was nowhere close. And I do feel not shame, but like sometimes you wonder, like did I miss out on something? Because I didn't experience labor, like I don't know what labor feels like, I don't know what the pains feel like, I don't know what your water breaking feels like. I don't know. I don't know what that experience with your partner is like, going through labor in that capacity. But I know in my heart, especially how messed up I was in the OR, like mentally, that that was the right thing for me. I don't think mentally, I mean you do what you have to do right, like you have to get your baby rolled safely. That's your role in that season of life. But I just knew that like I did what was right for me and I did what was right for my baby and I was scared even until the moment that he came out.

Speaker 2: 18:58

I remember I just was. You know it's so awkward. You know if someone had that had a C section, they don't understand what that feels like, but it is so absolutely terrifying to be awake and normal People are wide open and I respond very aggressively to medications. So I didn't realize how like the Lulu I was you know I was going insane and make on my OV is who she is, but she was like. I was like I have this playlist, like I don't feel, like I can handle it emotionally.

Speaker 2: 19:30

She was like we're listening to powerful women like Adele. Listen to Adele, we listen to. Why am I forgetting Florence and machine and Taylor Swift? Because it was like after midnight came out and I was like if you had all the like powerful women vibes going on and she was like Lacey, look. And I in my mind, I really thought she was like showing me an organ, like that's how mentally and well I was. Yeah, yeah, you know that's what happens in the OR. They lift your baby up over the sheet and you're supposed to look and then they like give them semi cleaned up and then they bring them to you. I knew that, but I cannot process what was happening. So I'm like and I remember I said I don't want to see it just like what Like it's a wild experience.

Speaker 1: 20:15

I you know the first one with will. They immediately put me under. It seems like I got to OR that whole get into our experiences. We'll talk about a different episode, but it was not fun. And then, with James, I was panic going into the OR myself. Now, granted, it was probably, you know, trauma from my previous experience and I was not prepared for that. And then you know that I just don't like, unless you went through it where you're like strapped down and, like you said, medicated and got that you know the blue curtain waving in your face and you're hearing every like and you're. It is an alternate universe experience. James's was not pleasant either because he, I got the epidural and I feel like people don't talk about this but like, getting an epidural in the OR is not fun. Like you're half naked, literally. You know that there's a little like gown and like bent over and I just I remember that you just click in your spine and that is fine.

Speaker 2: 21:20

Yeah, yeah, because it's not even like an epidural, it's a higher level of epidural. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:26

It's like a spinal or something that they and I don't know is just weird, because I could not remember. I don't want they just see you. But they're like, lean over and I'm like, hey, buddy, do you see what's like?

Speaker 2: 21:36

I have a belly here, like I can't get all the way down to the perfect spot in your spine.

Speaker 1: 21:43

It is wild and you're like butt naked, essentially just laid over, and I remember this president fellow. He was getting so frustrated with me and I was like I cannot lean over anymore. So like this nurse came and helped me and I'm just like no one talks about like that moment right, because Bill wasn't allowed back there yet, and like I'm just looking around and I don't know. I was like I've been in ORs just being a nurse but I was like this is scary, this is just weird.

Speaker 2: 22:10

I was so scared. I was so scared, it was awful.

Speaker 1: 22:14

I mean just like the looks, like the metal and like the smell and the lights are just like we're bringing up.

Speaker 2: 22:20

They were like okay, if you feel like you're going to reach. They were like because when you're on these drugs, like it makes you want to reach. And they said if you want, like you're starting to notice you're wanting to reach, you need to let us know because we need to strap your arms down. And immediately I was like you just didn't even strap my arms.

Speaker 1: 22:34

They didn't give me a choice, they just strapped me. They evaluated me. They're like she just needs to be strapped. That's what they're saying.

Speaker 2: 22:40

So I think next time I am just going to say like go ahead and strap me first, because I did not do well last time and even when. So probably the hardest part of the afterbirth experience is I again. It's not just this final, like you can't feel your lower half, but you're on other drugs and I don't remember that day and I know that that's pretty normal for every mother because you're on this like adrenaline high. But I literally don't remember the day. And I remember I shared on stories one day and I was talking about the afterbirth experience, not like why I had a C-section, anything like that, and Luke watched it and he had to come to me. I think he waited a couple days and he came to me and he was like I don't know how to talk to you about this, but like what you remember is like not what happened, oh wow, because obviously, like the passing of time feels different when you've had a baby in general, but for me I really thought that it was hours before I saw my baby. In my mind I thought that it was hours before and he was like please see, they brought him back, like immediately after, like everything was fine with him, there was nothing wrong with him. They brought him back. You got skin to skin. I don't remember how long it was like you had him on your chest. That's when that video was taken and he like showed me the video and I was like I don't remember it. I don't remember any yet in our hospital stay. It was terrible. It was terrible.

Speaker 2: 24:14

I had an amazing, amazing, amazing day nurse and she was in the OR with me but they're overloaded. She did her best. She really did her best. When I saw her, I just like felt comfort seeing her come in my room. I loved her, her and my check out nurses the day that we left the hospital. They were fantastic and, oddly enough, my check out I think mom and nurse was one of my followers.

Speaker 2: 24:40

Daughters oh, that was like a full circle thing that I like realized which like small world and it connected. But they like talked me off a ledge because the last night we were in the hospital we stayed next to her night because they got behind on pain meds and I was miserably uncomfortable and if we had had help at home I wouldn't have felt so stressed about staying, but I was very scared to come home and be in that state and have this baby that like we were struggling with feeding, he was screaming who? Every time I came in to do a weight check, they're off. He's lost this month and it just was like sending me over the edge in a spiral.

Speaker 2: 25:16

But the last night there was that I don't even know if she was. I don't think she was the mom and nurse. She may have been the baby nurse. She was either an LC or a baby nurse, because the baby nurse that I had was pregnant and just like didn't want to be there. So like that was weird vibes on its own. But this lady traumatized me because she came in and she was basically like it's do or die.

Speaker 2: 25:38

You either have to figure out how to get your milk to come in, which you know it's very delayed if you have a C-section yes absolutely, and the LCS were just like, so incompetent at the hospital, so incompetent and none of them told me I needed to be pumping if the baby was struggling to latch. Oh yeah, that delayed my milk coming in even more and I really think that I could have had a full supply in semi successful experience if that's how it had started, but I didn't know to do that. Even I went for a prenatal lactation appointment and he ever told me that I needed. If baby's not latching, you need to hook up to the pump. That's why they have the pump there.

Speaker 1: 26:19

You need to establish your supply immediately yeah, no, I learned that the second time around. I did not know this either the first time. And again, I am with both C-sections. No one said that to me until after now. With Previa, we have a lactation consultant, dula Jennings. She's a fantastic. She's coming on the podcast but she gives these videos to our moms so that they learn this. Because, yeah, you feel very.

Speaker 1: 26:44

I mean, I forget what night it was with James in the hospital. Maybe it was the second night where he same thing would not, like he wouldn't. My milk had knocked him in. He was screaming, losing his mind. I was losing my mind. Bill was losing his mind, okay, at one point it was like two or three am I was like, are we gonna leap out this hospital window all together? Because we were literally at the point of breakdown and we called the call button and this older nurse came in. I was just sitting there just shirt off, just laying there, just like huh, you know, try to sobbing. James was scraping, bill is like moved the couch mattress on the floor because he can't fit on the couch. So he's like laying on the floor and she was like, oh boy, she's like what can I help you with that?

Speaker 1: 27:35

I was just sobbing, I said I don't know, but just something. And I was like he will not stop screaming and I don't have anything to give him. And he had got circumcised that morning too and had his first shot, I remember, and it was just a bad day. He wouldn't have been latched. So she did like sugar water. She was like I'm not supposed to like do this, but she's like this is what we do in the nursery to calm him down post circumcision give us sugar water. And it calmed him. And then he latched and like. But I tell everybody I'm like that's not on Instagram that you see people like leaving the hospitals, like hi, we all had a mental breakdown last night and the nurse had to save me that's all your for milk is so like I don't know why they.

Speaker 2: 28:20

They know that that helps. I don't know why they wouldn't do that to help you. But like nobody ever came, I had. So the first LC that came in, didn't even out on him, told me he had no oral ties. Yeah too, and that's why it was such a struggle for us. The thing like when I tell people that actually know how things should go postpartum, that three months postpartum I was going to see a new lactation consultant and go into a feeding therapist and go into the pediatric dentist and getting two ties a severe lip tie, like he didn't. They couldn't even lift his lip because he was so tied down so he couldn't open his mouth wide enough to get a deep latch. He was doomed from the beginning and every our nutrition, or else he's in the hospital. The LC at the pediatrician also. He was fine and I'm like you're nuts, you're literally not.

Speaker 1: 29:16

No, it's awful and that's I mean. And you and you're coming. You know you came through this anxiety driven pregnancy before even a journey of just trying for pregnancy, that's so much. And then here he's here and you guys are struggling with that. How was your anxiety and depression during that time? When do you think you because you've been open about I've say you know, I love your you did the your reels about it.

Speaker 1: 29:40

But like when do you think you were, I hate to say, at the lowest, but like maybe it hit it the hardest?

Speaker 2: 29:47

yeah. So just for timeline, I feel like I was very physically uncomfortable but I feel like I was in a better place mentally in the beginning than Luke was and he was struggling to know how to support me and sleep deprived and he does not function well without sleep. I don't think he'd ever gone without sleep like that ever. Like I'm kind of crazy and I'll like stay up at night and like I get on these adrenaline highs where I'm like I'm pretty sure I have a diagnosed ADD but like we're like all clean for like an entire night and I can't go to sleep until it's perfect kind of thing. But he's not like that. He's like a 9, 30 to 10 pm bed and if he doesn't hit that he's falling asleep on the couch like he's just a clock and he was struggling a lot. He was still helping me but it was just like he had never even really like been around a baby before. So it was just super hard. So I feel like the first couple weeks I was physically very uncomfortable but I thought mentally I was pretty good. The hospital was really hard and it was more so because I was so uncomfortable and hearing him scream. But the last night in the hospital I finally just gave him formula because he had lost 10% of his birth weight. He was just gonna keep losing because I had nothing to give him. I barely had any lost or to give him. And it got better once we got home with that, once we started focusing more on formula than breast milk and realizing like I'm probably gonna have to just pump if I want to do this. The first week was hard, like we were both kind of like going a little crazy, but I was just really excited, like I remember you had to eat dinner sometimes and just like sit and like talk about how overjoyed we were like all this stuff and luckily he got to stay home with me for five weeks. Wonderful, he was home with me for a lot of that.

Speaker 2: 31:38

It really didn't get dark dark until he went back to work because I started feeling more feelings and anxiety, super scared. I was still going on doing things like I had to go to a dentist appointment the day that we went back to work, you know, and took the baby with me. I had to go for, I think, a couple of appointments with him. I took him to the pediatrician or the pediatric dentist to get his tongue tied and lip tie released by myself because, look, it had gone back to work. I really think it was worse for me.

Speaker 2: 32:09

After that period passed, I didn't feel better because in my mind I think I thought, oh, that's why it's the postpartum period, it's your fourth time. I started like after these three months I'm gonna be good, I'm gonna be able to like start working out and like my brain's gonna feel better and I'm gonna have lost weight. No, I'd gained 10 pounds over where I was when I was pregnant, from breastfeeding, like I'm that opposite person that just like retains everything, and I was miserable. I felt so ugly. I felt so like physically I was hurting really bad, like I couldn't. I mean, I was carrying at the time close to 70 pounds heavier than I'm normally like carrying and a lot of weight on your body and my body just was not made to carry that.

Speaker 2: 32:58

So, getting up and down with him, it was like all I could do was take care of my baby. I couldn't do anything else. And then you know, I have this job that I've done for so long and I felt like a total failure because I had so many friends that had babies within weeks of me and they're all back at it in the gym looking great, getting dressed and I like would shower once a week and I barely slept, like we could go to bed at night, and at the time I felt like nobody can do it but me, and so I was terrified I wasn't gonna wake up to the monitor and so I would just stay up all night. I was not sleeping at all. It was terrible.

Speaker 2: 33:33

I would say months three through six were the worst for me. They were worse than months one through three, because I felt like months one through three I kind of got a pass. Yeah, like everyone knows, you just have baby, you're recovering, I feel like people don't make as many comments about your body, you're in that slight grace period. And then I felt like when it wasn't how I thought it was gonna be at three months, like holy crap, this is just how it's gonna be and this child deserves better and I can't give him better right now. For him, I think it was still a joyous time, like I made sure that I gave him everything I had, but after that, everything that I gave him, I had nothing left. There was nothing left. It was really sad and really dark.

Speaker 1: 34:18

Yeah, you know I was four months, because probably where it really hit me the hardest and I think just how you described it and I've heard this from so many moms it's family leaves or friends leave or, like that, grace period leaves, or it's just the newness of a new baby for other people on their support, their grace is gone. You have this picture in your head of a timeline and people will say we'll just make it to 12 weeks or people will say that to you, right. And then when you meet that and it does, you're just like, well, what's wrong with me? And the comparison factor is totally there. And you know your job is social media influence. But just to see all that and I did the same thing I would be like, okay, she had a baby same time as me, look at her, look what she's doing, right.

Speaker 1: 35:04

And we see two, four to six months very, very challenging. And then you have the highest rate of maternal suicide and overdose is nine to 12 months postpartum and I think it's that four to six months that no one is diving deep into. We're trying to very hard at previous, but that's where it changes for moms, right, that's that kind of rough period and if it continues to that, nine to 12 months, you almost feel like so hopeless, right, and it's like the first year of my baby's life Didn't go how I hoped. I'm not who I am as a mom. Marriages take a huge impact here in this time. Friendships do jobs, so I think it's just not enough.

Speaker 1: 35:45

People or like ringing the bell and saying okay, you know, your friend has this baby. You said that time on your phone four months postpartum, five months postpartum. Do those check-ins, call her, say listen, you know, I haven't forgot about you. You know, cause like the mill train's long gone. You know that's she's, the baby's probably still not sleeping. They maybe starting to teeth. I feel like that's where we are failing moms. So much is that we're not realizing postpartum is honestly, research says four or five years after birth right, definitely that first year after is the most critical time, that she needs your support and I just appreciate you saying that so much, because there's gonna be a mom who's four, five months postpartum and she's gonna go okay, wait, I'm not alone in this and I need to reach out for help. So what do you think was your turning point? Where it started getting better? What did you do?

Speaker 2: 36:44

I started going to the gym and it was an hour a day and for a while I was going with a friend. She is like a startup entrepreneur and the app like Techspace, so for a period that worked, but now she's just like so bogged down. But now I've done it so long like I feel the confidence to go with him by myself. But going with her is like really what helped me get out of that, because I got to talk to someone, so I was getting community every day. I was also even on the. There would be a few days here and there that she wouldn't be there, but there are so many people around you In our gym. It has a lot of old people, so I never felt like super intimidated with everyone being like you know, yeah, because they're all like 60s and 70s, just like walking and like doing white weights and whatever, so that was helpful. And just the childcare staff there is just phenomenal and I felt very comfortable and confident leaving run with them and I think that too, like allowing myself to let someone help me and seeing that that was okay and then seeing how it positively impacted me, like literally from May to August, was probably my biggest shift in everything and it wasn't instantaneous or anything, but starting in May, like from May and I know people get really triggered by like weight loss stuff but it's like I didn't share for so long and then, once I started feeling better, I started sharing and people were saying, oh my gosh, like a lot of people have followed for a while. So they probably saw me when I was much smaller and then they saw me pregnant and they saw me postpartum and I kind of like ballooned up. So I'm like, oh my gosh, she's like, well, I saw this weight. What's happening? What's she done?

Speaker 2: 38:31

It really is just like doing the basics and like taking care of yourself. Like people don't want to hear that, but you have to take care of yourself. If you're not hydrating, if you're not sleeping, like letting Luke start to help me more. I have a mom. Really I have a couple of mom mornings a week, usually Saturday and Sunday. He takes the overnight, he gets up with Rone, I sleep in, I'm going to the gym and doing something for myself. I started getting back into like personal care, so like getting my hair done, getting my eyebrows done. I just recently started getting my nails done again, like things that just made me feel a little bit more human that during that time I just felt so guilty doing anything for myself. I'm still getting my hair done because, like I can't walk around looking like that.

Speaker 1: 39:15

I mean that's a necessity. That's where water comes into my life water hair, like when I stop go getting my hair done I need the army to come in and check on me.

Speaker 2: 39:24

Yes, but that really was like it for me, like, and I obviously had goals that I was working toward. And I look back at these goals. I'm like what were you thinking? And I remember the day that we did our transfer at our clinic, because we have to go all the way to Winston Salem from Johnson City, which is like a lot in and of itself. But we did the transfer and I went to my doctor and I was like I can't wait to come back soon.

Speaker 2: 39:52

Get another one. He was like take your time, like he's sweet, he's from Turkey, so like there's a little bit of a language barrier, not a time, but you know, yeah, he's like, take your time. I mean, just let he's like, it's okay, make it what you're saying. Yes, but originally so I would cry that first three months and I would tell Luke, like, promise me we can have another one, promise me we can have another one. And originally the goal was August to do a transfer. And then I was like, okay, his first birthday. And then I said December and I'm like there's no way in hell that I was anywhere ready last month to do a transfer.

Speaker 1: 40:35

But that's growth, that's huge inner growth. That I think it's just. I think you're coming into this new journey just like enlightened, I think it's so.

Speaker 2: 40:46

It's literally enlightened.

Speaker 1: 40:48

It's literally enlightened, that's you have walked this road and at some point you know, yeah, reflection's great, but like really walking forward, like you're doing now, and like you are not letting, as you went through it, lacey, like you went through it, and a lot of people get stuck in that and go, oh gosh, I can't do that again. And you've turned that pain to purpose right, and you are like, okay, this is the long game here, not the short game. The long game that I'm gonna be healthy mentally and physically for yourself, for your husband, for your son, for future kids. You know just to like get up and embrace it. I think that's huge.

Speaker 1: 41:32

And we always say, put your oxygen mask on first, right Before you can help others. And we're so as moms, we're like, oh my God, we don't wanna do that right. And it's like that's how it has to be. And that's like, when I think about your story, I'm seeing you now putting your oxygen mask on. That's your whole family breathing better, and I think that's a testament to really just you doing the hard work.

Speaker 2: 41:54

Yeah thank you. I appreciate that. I don't think I've ever really done that before. Like I spent.

Speaker 2: 42:00

I look back and I'm like I spent an entire year in therapy, almost weekly, the entire year of 2020 into January of 2021. And I did. It was more so like childhood focused and like trauma and things like that, trying to work through. But I look back and I'm like that's the only time I've consistently showed up for myself ever in my life ever, and you know, through fertility treatments and like things with marriage and life and like trying to grow out of my job, and like I've constantly done these things that didn't serve me very well, but I did it because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing and thankfully, now I've realized that I'm not going to be successful in any of the things that I hope to achieve if I don't cover the basics first.

Speaker 2: 42:42

Like you cannot, something in your life is going to suffer. Like if you're avoiding something out of the convenience of just avoiding it, you will pay the price at some point. Like convenience is not free and it's been a long time to realize that. Like working out. Like you can't just go on some crash diet and lose 10 pounds and expect that to like change your life. You have to change your life, you have to actually change, to see change, and I think that that's where people now and I understand that, because I felt that feeling of desperation, especially in the first six months of this part of them I just want it to get better. I've changed my hair, I cut my hair, I tried all these things like none of it worked and like really what worked is just the basic things that you're supposed to do anyway Fueling my body, moving my body, doing things to pour into myself that have absolutely nothing to do with work, spending time with people that I love, slowing down, putting my phone in another room, like the stuff that we know and we're told that we're supposed to do that.

Speaker 2: 43:42

Right, but it's boring because it's not some sexy thing that we found on the internet that's supposed to like work in three days and your life is better, yeah, and I just think that what the world has gotten caught up in is everything is like instant gratification and nothing is like a long haul achievement and like that really is where betterment and whatever you're wanting to do comes from is showing up every single day, being consistent and not getting frustrated when something doesn't immediately fix your problem. Like it takes work. Like everything takes work, unfortunately. It'd be nice if you could just snap your fingers and fix whatever problem you have. But it doesn't work that way and I'm very grateful that, even though I had to take the long, hard road to figure it out that I figured it out so I can get unstuck out of this place.

Speaker 2: 44:33

And I still feel kind of stuck, like there are things that I wanna work on this year and processes that I wanna clean up and things in my life that still go a little dysfunctional, that I would like to fine tune, to make things work better for me and my family, because I don't respond well, caught off guard you know what I mean when it feels like everything is just sprung on you all of a sudden because you weren't prepared, it puts you in fight or flight, and I've been in fight or flight like pretty nonstop for the last I don't know forever. So trying to break that and you can't really break that unless you have systems in place of preparation, which is really hard to do- it's super hard and I think it's a good point for you, so okay, so what would you tell Lacey when she was pregnant?

Speaker 1: 45:21

And then, second part is what would you tell Lacey during that four to six months postpartum period, pregnant?

Speaker 2: 45:29

What did you need to hear? Pregnant same circumstances. Get your butt out the door and go for a walk, because just getting outside, breathing fresh air, getting some vitamin D, even in the cold months, it literally can change your life and I think it wouldn't change my pregnancy. I was scared to do that because I thought if I like stepped on a rock, I was gonna miscarry crazy. But that's what I would say and that's what I plan to do next time is just be very physically active.

Speaker 2: 45:56

I'm very much needed to hear that, because I don't know that I would have listened to someone telling me that you know you need to get on medication.

Speaker 2: 46:03

I don't think I was in a place where I had the capacity to do therapy, sadly, but I think the one thing I could have done is get outside and walk and listen to a podcast, listen to an e-book or an audio book whatever that's called Little things.

Speaker 2: 46:19

That could have made my life feel a little better and lifted some of the heaviness off. Wouldn't have fixed everything, but it would have made it a lot more tolerable. For sure, postpartum I would have told myself to get nicer pajamas because I just thought like I mean, they were fine, but you need a few pairs of like bougie pajamas or like a nice set, like you need something because you're going to be covered in spit up and Lord knows what else, and just having a really nice pair of pajamas on, even if you wear those same pajamas every single day, if you get a moisture either on a little bit of mascara and you're nice pajamas or a nice set, you're going to feel a lot more human. And I did not do that and I think that that would have really changed a lot of things for me. Very simple thing, but it would have changed a lot of things for me.

Speaker 1: 47:13

Yeah, and you had her saying it gets better. And when was your? You know, you look back and you're like I, it's better. When was that?

Speaker 2: 47:23

My it's getting better moment was six months, when I started going to the gym. My it's so much better was October. My I feel like I'm coming into my own again was December. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 47:37

So that was I mean for our listeners. That's like a whole year of post. Part of that Lacey's talking about Like this was not like she snapped her fingers. There was phases and stages and struggles, but now he's one. And do you think you know? Now you're going to start entering into taller hood and we can't wait to follow along and see that. But when you are trying again and going down through this, you know this path what would you? What is one thing you're keeping to your heart? What are you going to say? What are you, luke? What's your little mantra here? When you guys decide it's time to get into transfer, what is your kind of motto here?

Speaker 2: 48:16

Honestly just not letting our lives down, not letting our life completely derail because of a fertility journey, because I know people have noticed who, like Luke and I, both have lost the same amount of weight. He also has really, according to himself, this year. We both are going into the year and I know a lot of people are like, oh my gosh, just focusing on like appearance, it's not appearance. We both feel so much better, like we could not move. I was on the brink of being pre-diabetic, like we were sick. We were like actually sick.

Speaker 2: 48:52

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and I gave everything to fertility treatments. We gave everything. We gave up our relationship, we and not like we gave up on ourselves, but like we didn't pour into ourselves. We stopped pouring into anything other than fertility treatments and we can't do that now. We have Rhone. I'm very proud of the life that we're beginning to create for ourselves. It was very healthy and a lot more functional and we have to keep our eyes on that and not let that be derailed by whatever comes with fertility treatments, cause we're not guaranteed it may not work and we don't want to waste the time that we have right now being bothered by what's not going our way.

Speaker 1: 49:35

I love that, lacey. We'll end with this. So Lacey's motherhood tips get outside and walk every day, right Move your body yeah.

Speaker 2: 49:45

Sunlight yeah.

Speaker 1: 49:47

What else you got, hydration.

Speaker 2: 49:49

Hydration, minimizing your caffeine intake, which I know can feel really difficult, but it really messes with your anxiety. Like today, luke went, when Rhone first went down for his nap, to the grocery store to get some things that we needed. So I didn't have to deal with it and he said do you want me to get you a coffee? Cause you know every grocery store has a Starbucks in it now, and at first I was like oh yeah, sure. And then he left and I was like, actually you get me a kombucha, like I'm just trying to be a little bit more cognizant of that. Especially in the beginning, though, you really don't need the caffeine. You need sleep and you need to go out and walk and recharge, and you know it's not, it's not healthy to run on energy drinks and I will have, like on days I go to the gym I'll have an Elani, but I do the minis, which I'm so glad that came out with those, but it's only a hundred milligrams of caffeine Like your body can handle that, especially if you're being very physically active. But try to minimize the caffeine, especially if you're struggling with anxiety and just have someone, which I know is hard. That's been really hard for me is just finding friendships, and my friendships have shifted a lot, and not in a bad way. It's not like anyone's done anything, but when you have a baby and your friends have kids that are older, you're just in a completely different phase of life, and I've really just been pretty especially in the last six months. I try to be very diligent in like pouring into people that I feel like are going to be good community for me. I think that's hard for a lot of moms, because you feel like it's almost like a pride thing, like you feel like people should be coming to you and like why do you have to like put yourself out there? But you do have to put yourself out there. If that's something you want and you want to have community, you have to at least try to obtain it. It's not like people are busy too. You're not the only person that has a life and it's just putting yourself out there and trying to find it, whatever that looks like for you. And also the one other thing I'll say is I just started utilizing this back in October.

Speaker 2: 51:50

But every if you live out in like the boonies, you don't have this, but every city has a library, a public library, and there are so many resources for young moms. There's typically a children's room at least, if not like a whole huge like section of the library that is dedicated just to kids. They use story times. We go to a babies and books class, which is like a music component too, with reading, and they get to be around other kids, their age, things like that, especially if you're a stay-at-home mom and it's free and you could stop and get yourself a fun journey while you're out. Go to the library, walk around, get books that you don't have to pay for it's one last thing and then you're cycling out, so that's less clutter and you're getting to be around people in the same stage of life. I see you. That has been very, very helpful for me.

Speaker 1: 52:39

I love that and it is. It's awkward, right. It's not like for backstories for our listeners me and Lacey know each other from college shorty days where you get to get around similar people right and kind of find friendships in that group. So it's different now where moms it does feel weird when you're just like, hey, I've got this baby, you've got this baby, like you wanna do a play day and like then it's.

Speaker 1: 53:03

I tell that to so many people and several of my friends have children that say me and just me and we've moved recently and finding mom friends is hard, like it's just, and I even I sometimes fill it out at their preschool. I'm just like, oh, that's so-and-so's mom and you're just like should I be that awkward person at that birthday party and be like hi, if you ever want to do a play day? But it is at first step because a lot of times people are waiting for someone to make the first step and you kind of just gotta buy the bullet and it's kind of like our dating days. It may not always be magical. The first couple of times it might not be the right fit, but you will find that right fit and we need mom friends. I mean that moms need to support each other. It's our village, it's our tribe.

Speaker 2: 53:52

Yeah, for sure. But yeah, utilizing all the free things and like places you can do, that, I think, makes it easier, because I literally have no one and you know, if you're deciding to be a stay-at-home mom, it does limit your income more than before you had a baby. So you're, you know it changes your lifestyle and I think the library is such a beautiful resource that a lot of people don't think enough about. I didn't and I think even if I had started going you know it's one day a week that's one thing I have to look forward to. Like we're getting out of the house. It's a routine for us and having a stay-at-home mom is really hard. So just finding things like that, whatever it is it could be like church playgroups I know that they're opening. It's like a co-play space, it's like the little co, something like that. But yeah, like things like that that are there's less, what do they call it? Boundary to entry? Yeah, that you can get into. And even if it, you know it's gonna be awkward at first, you're gonna feel embarrassed sometimes.

Speaker 2: 54:56

So like my husband is embarrassing, so you just have to get over that and just accept it as part of your life now.

Speaker 1: 55:04

No, I think that's wonderful advice and I have to take it sometimes myself because I'm in a little different chapter. Sometimes it's intimidating for me to take my two wild things out in public by myself, but then I've had to look back and one thing I try to find myself is I have handled ever hard situation to this point. That's happened, and my child meltin' down is not gonna be the first child that's ever melted down I have. Now my youngest has took all pride away from me and so I have left with nothing but humility, thanks to him, and I have carried him out from multiple places with Will dragging that plus any bags we've brought with us.

Speaker 1: 55:44

And I think that's the hardest is sometimes that first step from moms to be like, oh my gosh, I wanna get out. But like it does seem overwhelming at first. To like get everything together and go and do. But I promise, like Lacey said, with everything, that work to get started ends up making the process so much easier in the end and you get all had at it. So that's just encouragement. Like, if you're listening to this, you're like man, I wanna get out a little bit more. Take that first step today, Like it could literally be getting in your car, going and just locating the library and being like cool, right, Walk outside, walk in, get a book, walk out like check mark. So all wonderful tips and I think we need that as we start the year and just we are so excited too to fall along because I've been seeing you have another Instagram account that's showing the family life. Can you speak about that?

Speaker 2: 56:37

Yeah, so honestly, luke and I just have this idea in like the middle of the year, just trying to figure out, like, how am I going to continue doing what I've been doing for so long and how long do I even want to do that? Some of the content that I enjoy consuming is less product-focused and more lifestyle like that kind of stuff, but it doesn't quite fit my account personally. So I'm just trying to create a space where we can do that and something we can do together, to whether it becomes something in a business capacity or not, just a fun way for us to create content together and have a place where it's a live. Because I think motherhood is very much my personality right now, but there are other components to me and I don't want to lose that, and I feel like getting back into my own personal space online is a way for me to do that, but I also still have the desire to share family content. So I'm just trying to separate the two.

Speaker 1: 57:38

I love that. And where can our listeners follow along? What's the tag?

Speaker 2: 57:42

Okay, so for our family account, it's daily with the Dalfits, which is much easier to remember than my handle, so I'm excited about that.

Speaker 1: 57:50

So that's perfect. Well, lathie, keep us abreast of what's going on, keep posting, keep telling us, and you're clearly welcome back anytime. We love you, our listeners love you, and I just am very thankful that your followers have you, who are sharing such important information about malaxi mental health.

Speaker 2: 58:10

Yes, thank you for that. Thank you so much, this was fun.

Speaker 1: 58:14

All right, lathie, till next time. Returnal mental health is as important as physical health. The Previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-paramed depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkers and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.