Why We Need Moms in Front of Us

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview. Alliance podcast is Sarah and Whitney, and we are unfortunately not in person or virtual, but we're together and we're happy. And Whitney, we have not touched on this topic before, we've hinted, but I think it's worthy of a full discussion of why we need arms ahead of us.

Speaker 2: 0:34

For so many reasons. So many reasons because, especially as a first time mom, we don't know what we're doing. We don't know what's actually happening to our bodies in recovery. You know, because in the hospital they tell you, okay, well, watch out for clots this size and bleeding this much, and all these things. But when you're a first time mom, you don't know how much bleeding is too much. And again, you can call your doctor's office and they say it and you're like but you don't see what I'm seeing. So how do you know if it's too little or not? Yeah, and so that's why it's so good for us to have close mom friends that we can be like hey, tmi, but did you go through this? Is this normal? Things like that where we can have someone that's like oh, yep, I went through that. But be aware, blah, blah, blah. Because what if their doctor said something that maybe mine didn't?

Speaker 3: 1:25

and vice versa. You know.

Speaker 2: 1:28

And so it's good that we have someone that can guide us through what we are going through on our own, physically, but also in just in motherhood. You know how many times have I asked you about when Will has tonsillated me and my youngest is coming up on hers and I'm like, well, how old was he, what happened, what did you do? And you know what is it like, like Things like that. Just to be prepared, we need people to be that trailblazer.

Speaker 1: 1:54

Yeah, because I mean, it feels like I think we all maybe I'm speaking by myself but I was like, okay, I've got this, I'm going to research, I'm going to know what to expect, I'm going to get this baby be item or I'm going to have this set up or get this whole clear picture of what their, as a mom, would be Right. And I was much younger than when I first pregnant with Will, and I had a few friends that were moms. I have one specific one of my best friends. She was awesome mom. Her kids are older and I remember when I first met her she had a baby and then she had her older son, a little older.

Speaker 1: 2:30

But it never dawned upon me to really dive into the pressure of her when I was pregnant because I think I was like I got this right, I think I got this right. She was like, oh my gosh, sarah did not have it. She still does not have it. It's proven to her daily that I do not have it. But I think that's one of my bigger regrets is I should have asked more questions. I should have been listening and learning more and asking. But I think when you're not trying to get pregnant, you see pregnant moms, you see moms with little kids or older kids and it's kind of like a movie or just watching them.

Speaker 2: 3:12

You know it's kind of like a movie or something like that.

Speaker 1: 3:13

It's a disconnect for sure, right, it's not relevant to your life, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:19

So you're kind of like, okay, or you're like you may notice, gosh, yeah, she does look tired, or wow, yeah, her kids sick again, or wow, they're weekend, seem really busy, or you know. You know those kind of thoughts, but you're never really seen her as that resource. So that is like something I wish I would have done different. Because, yeah, when I did end up pregnant, I did get pregnant and it did seem that some of the older moms that I worked with would kind of come around and how you're feeling, you know, a little bit like that. But again, I did not dive deep into. Right, let me watch, let me learn. Right, what would you do differently? Right, I would have a conversation.

Speaker 1: 4:02

I gave myself too much credit and my own abilities and knowledge. This is confession. This is me saying I love it. Whitney, I was wrong and, to be honest, I think I never in postpartum really asked the way I should either, because I felt very well, I should know that. You know, and I didn't want to admit well, when I'm changing the diaper, is there a better way? Should I just know that? You know, with boys you have to dodge the P.

Speaker 1: 4:34

You're just like, oh, you know, and it wasn't until one of my mom friends was like you expose and you quickly cover, so the P don't hit you in the face. And I was like is there a secret book that moms write the past?

Speaker 3: 4:48

How did you think you're?

Speaker 2: 4:48

in this house that I didn't you know?

Speaker 1: 4:51

So that is something. And then, if you turn it to my mental health, I certainly wasn't open Right Of how I was feeling To hear anybody else say I've been there, Right.

Speaker 2: 5:08

Well and we talk about this a lot there is so much strength in community. Yeah, that is why we need moms that go ahead of us, who have experienced postpartum anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, to be like, hey, I haven't been in your shoes, but I've been in a very similar place, let me tell you what helped me, yeah. Or, like you mentioned, just with our kids. It's like, hey, you know what my kid really struggled with the car seat too. Let me tell you what worked well for my kids.

Speaker 1: 5:38

Yeah, I think it's this false narrative that we tell ourselves that asking for help or support is some sign of weakness, or that we're inadequate, or good moms figure it out, or they're. You know. That is not the case, in the sense that we are meant to learn from others. And I do think social media doesn't help anything, because why you can't learn things on TikTok right.

Speaker 1: 6:06

You can figure out how to make a gourmet grilled cheese, you know. But we could also get in this trap of she's got it together, I don't got it together. How does she know how to do that? Right, instead of openness and vulnerability. So, yes, we need the moms who go ahead of us to teach us, normalize us, to say, yeah, you know what, whitney, I went through the same thing. Right, you're not alone in this, you know. They need to even speak on. Our marriage had a really hard time where a baby had college and I was suffering from anxiety and we had a toddler and he was working a lot.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Or yeah, when my kid struggled in school, I cried every day, thinking it was on me. Or when my kid had to call out for work for the fifth time this month, my boss looked at me in a certain way and I felt like can I not work and be a mom or someone else to say I've walked that?

Speaker 1: 7:11

Right yeah, because it's hard and we don't have, we can be ahead, you can't get ahead and you can't get ahead unless someone's there walking with you. But I think it also is on the a little bit of oneness on the moms ahead of us. When you see a mom to be, when you see a young mom, when you see her, I mean it takes nothing for word of encouragement. Smile, I see you. This happened to me the other day. We all know my little one gives me a run for my money. Okay, it's always the second one. He has a spirit that is untamed and we were at swim and they have this whole setup where they do their little swim lessons and they go to the little shower part. You shower him off, you wash your little hair, get the chlorine off. He loves a good shower. Who doesn't, right? Who doesn't love a good warm water? Yes, the removal of him from the water to get dressed, that's a lot. I have to deep breathe and ground before we do this, because I know it's gonna be a moment.

Speaker 1: 8:16

And this other mom's child was having a similar moment that I was fixing to experience. I said this is the most stressful part of my day too, and she said I thought it was just me, Yep. I said oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 2: 8:29

No.

Speaker 1: 8:30

And so I think it was and I just saw like the weight she's like huh.

Speaker 2: 8:34

Oh, thank goodness, yeah. Similarly, when I went and got my nails done one time, this mom was there, had probably her little year and a half to two year old girl, and of course they can't sit still at that age, they just can't. And poor mom is there, you can tell, finally getting some self care done, finally getting a treat, and she's just like please sit, please sit, please sit. You know, trying not to smudge her nails that she's just paid for, that she's carved out this time to be able to do.

Speaker 2: 9:01

And lo and behold, I just happened to have a toy camera in my purse because I'm a mom and I'm sure at some point my child was like mommy, put this in your person. I did, and I forgot it existed and I saw it and I was like you know what that might distract her. Just long enough for mom to get something. So I walked it over to the little girl. I was like you can play with this. And the mom Just seeing that relief of thank God I finally get to have something for me. Someone would actually give my kid something and not be mad that she's like being a child.

Speaker 1: 9:31

And that's something I want to touch on is that we've all been there the restaurants, church, there's office, any place of business that you know. You may not want to bring your child with you too you don't have no choice, and I don't want to take the child with me to the DMV, but here we are, you know, and-. It is what it is. This is a child and they're going to do what children do they're going to get upset.

Speaker 2: 9:55

They're going to get hungry. They're going to be tired.

Speaker 1: 9:56

They're going to be loud, right, when the looks and the judgment. And I'm like A you all were kids too once, and B if you've been a mom and you've been in there, show me some grace, right, don't stare back harder, don't give me that look. Right, you know, don't make comments underneath your breath of what you would have done in that situation. Right, it feels really rough and hard. And that happened to me in Costco the other day too. Don't judge other moms.

Speaker 2: 10:29

Just don't judge other moms.

Speaker 1: 10:31

No, because it's pretty easy to not do that. The minute you do, I promise you you will be in that exact same situation Happens. But I think I have a challenge for our listeners that, if you see, see which place you can be, because you can be both. You can be head and you can be behind and equally have important values here. So, if you are behind, look for a mom that you can tap into and you may be like well, how do I do that? You're going to have natural situations.

Speaker 1: 11:05

Well, maybe it is that mom at swim practice that you see the same time every time and you know her kids are slightly older. The friend her doesn't take much to have a conversation. Or you know your kid's class. They may have an older sibling, right. And to that mom, yes, she has a kid the same age as you, but she probably has older kids too, right, and you can just get to know her. Or if it's at church, or if it's a community, or if it's at your workplace, it's a family member. Hey, do you remember when your kids went through this stage? Can you got any guidance here? Or, you know, be vulnerable and say this is what I'm walking through, and I don't say that in a light way because I know it's very hard to be vulnerable and open. It has to be the right person. But then if you see that mom who's got the baby, you know the look, you know when she's struggling, maybe you know. Just to say the panic.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Sometimes she's saying you know, I loved them when they were newborn, but it was a really hard time for me too, Right?

Speaker 2: 12:07

You know or?

Speaker 3: 12:08

you're doing great.

Speaker 2: 12:10

Yeah, give some reassurance there, we all need it.

Speaker 1: 12:13

And you are gonna benefit so much for being that for somebody and they're gonna benefit the same way.

Speaker 1: 12:19

It is a mutually beneficial relationship, because you will feel validation to in your own experience, right as will they. So that is a Touchpoint and I think you know it even goes back into you know. There was a story in the Bible where you know, when Mary was pregnant, she went to go to her cousin and she who was fixing to give birth and she watched the end of the pregnancy and the delivery and the first few bit of when the baby was born. So she had an idea of what was to come. So right, yes, if you are trying to get pregnant, if you are pregnant, if you're going from one to two, spending time with women mothers who's been in that road Just seeing it, oh yeah, can help so much too. How do they load three kids in a car?

Speaker 1: 13:11

You know, or you know how do you bathe a baby in a toddler when your husband's working late, you know those kind of questions that you can be like, hey, this is what I do, or how do you organize the schedules?

Speaker 1: 13:22

Or how do you talk to a teacher that you feel is not understanding your kid Right, that's actually not being helpful. Maybe all I'm saying is we don't have to rewrite history every single time. We're not, no, but this is a challenge. If you have experienced motherhood, which we all have, the good, the bad, the wonderful, the ugly, right the heart Come Rotary, and it could be something as simple. As I remember I texted you, I was like you know, we'll have to have steroids. Lord help you if your child has to drink that steroid medication. I I've set on a quest that, if I ever ran into millions of dollars, I'd figure out how to have that taste better for parents and children of the whole entire world. But he learned recently how to take a pill and I'm gonna tell you that you're like, oh, that's awesome. How did that happen? So I can, you just gonna teach one your girl.

Speaker 1: 14:09

And yeah, and it was just that simple, very natural of life Exchange, right, like let's, let's do this, let's do motherhood together, right.

Speaker 2: 14:18

Well, and the thing is, you will never regret helping somebody out. You will never regret somebody helping you out, right? Because the thing is, I'm not saying give people unwanted advice.

Speaker 1: 14:30

No.

Speaker 2: 14:31

I'm saying give them that validation, that reassurance and that Common ground of you. Know what it's been hard for me to you're not alone.

Speaker 1: 14:41

No, we had podcast episode when one of our guests had shared about how they thought why their newborn would die in their sleep and that was her anxiety and you know and how she described that and I was like me too, and she's like, and I was like this is how felt she's a me too. And even years removed from our newborn stage, right, both connected and both went up for a second of like oh man, you thought that too, like I lived out as well.

Speaker 1: 15:08

I'm a person, and so that's just something that's priceless honestly, to bond together and just be like it's not just me and Name it. What did you experience? Oh, and then that is a place, and we're not saying you go up to someone ago. You're obviously struggling with motherhood. Let me tell you you're learning the car wrong, you know you're you're not carrying the car seat right, like we're not saying that.

Speaker 2: 15:36

No, we're saying maybe open that door for her Say how can I help you right now?

Speaker 1: 15:43

Yeah, can I drop you off something If both of our kids are going to the same practice? She's got a busy deadline. You friends, let me take your kid to practice, so then you can come pick them up and have that little extra time. Little things and little encouragement goes a long way.

Speaker 2: 15:59

But, I don't remember, forget, I mean that just sparked a memory for me when somebody youngest so we all know she's a COVID baby. So the doctor's office that I used was actually under the leadership of the whole hospital. They were not their own entity so they had to follow hospital visitor guidelines. Well, that even meant bringing your babies to your postpartum appointment. Wild, I know that it was.

Speaker 1: 16:24

COVID was just a time of wine, crazy yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:28

It was a thing, but my daughter had outgrown her newborn diapers, so it takes to the secretary. I was like hey, could y'all use these up there for whatever? And she said, well, sure. So went up there, just which. I had my daughter and her stroller and I just plopped them back down on there and a girl I had not seen in well over a decade. We worked together doing foster care back in 2009, 2010. Now we still keep up on Facebook and all the things, yeah, but it's definitely not somebody I would consider like a close bestie. But we're still acquaintances.

Speaker 2: 16:59

So she goes to her follow up appointment and they tell her no, you can't go in because you have the baby. It's visitor policy because of COVID. And to see that panic in her eye and for her to say, but I've already rescheduled this two or three times. And I said I've got you. I said let's go find a chair. I'll have both the kiddos over there with me down the hallway. Here's my number. Go do your appointment. I was on maternity leave. Thankfully I didn't have a schedule conflict. Yeah, I was like it's fine, our kids are in their car seats and strollers. It's going to be fine. Go do your appointment Now I get that. That's a rarity, you know. Like if you're in the supermarket you may not know this person with a baby. Yeah, yeah, that's clear. But if you have the opportunity just to say I got you, let me help with this for a little bit.

Speaker 2: 17:51

So if you do see the mom struggling in the Grace Resource, say, hey, can I help you with anything? Do you need help taking that to your car? Yeah, can I lift something heavy into your buggy?

Speaker 1: 18:02

May I remember being postpartum with James. Hadwell was out, it was hot in the summer Forget what, erin. We were trying to run. I was struggling, I was tapped out. I think my boobs were fixed to explode because I needed to feed him, right. I was just not great spot. And I just remember this mom. She was like I'll take my car or something back for you. She walked by. She was like can I take this back? Because that's always a tricky time too. It's hot. You're trying to start the car, get the AC, load your children.

Speaker 3: 18:40

They have to play this game.

Speaker 1: 18:42

And I just looked at her and I literally had tears in my eyes. I was like yes and thank you. And that took nothing of her, really, because she was going that way, but I'll never forget that and I was just like she saw me breaking Right and she knew that you needed somebody. Yeah, so that is our challenge and I know this is a little different than kind of our normal topics. It's not heavy, but it's something that's a challenge. In our Right Stain is a craziness of our world. Oh my gosh yes.

Speaker 1: 19:16

Really, it goes a long way just to be someone, and, whitney, you are always that person to me, so I thank you for that. But we hope that you guys know from this conversation that you have an opportunity to learn and to help at the same time. So we challenge that. So we wish you guys to have a great week, look for those opportunities and you know what? We'll be back next week, that's right. See you. Bye, guys.

Speaker 3: 19:46

Returnal. Mental health is as important as physical health. The Previous Lions podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.