Playgrounds, Kid Birthday Parties, and Meeting New Mom Friends

Speaker 1: 0:10

hey guys, welcome back to preview lines podcast. This is sarah and I'm joined by whitney. Hey friends, okay, whitney, this episode can't be alone. No, can't be alone. No, can't be. It's called Playgrounds, kid Parties, meet New Mom Friends, and so hard, so hard. And I don't think people talk about things that happen at like kid functions or say, when your kids start in a new school, or you moved and you have to make mom friends, or you have to go to new environments where you don't have your village, you don't have your best friends, you don't have what we all are looking for right is community and support and just like someone in the same stage of life and it feels really awkward and you're just like okay. So now I'm a mom and I am, you know, I'm in my mid 30s here and I don't know how to make a mom friend.

Speaker 2: 1:11

Right, it's hard. Let's just be real that it's hard. I don't think that we are. I really started feeling connected with other parents until my oldest had her birthday party in January and we did it at our house. So it was nothing fancy. We have face painters there and, you know, pizza, cupcakes, just the normal birthday stuff. But a lot of her little friends came because the school has a rule that you invite the whole classroom, and I appreciate that because you don't want anybody getting left out. And that's actually why we did it at our house is because you don't have to worry about paying per head like you do at a let's Play or you know a place like that. You know it's more affordable to do it at the house.

Speaker 2: 1:56

So we did that and because of that I was able to talk with some of the other parents. They talked about how much their kid really enjoyed playing with mine and vice versa, and so that was really nice because we started talking about our kids and just the community. And then, whenever you know, school functions would come up field trips, different things like that Well, there's those connections all over again. And because of RSVP, we had each other's numbers and so with that, you know, going into summertime, you know my daughter is like I want to call so-and-so's mom or I want to call so-and-so, and then I can just shoot them a text and say, hey, do you all have, you know, 10 minutes for a FaceTime tonight and most of the time it works out well and, honestly, it thrills my daughter's soul because she is all about friends and connection. So for her to be able to stay connected over the summer is big for her yeah, it's very important for her and so I mean I had this situation the other day went to my youngest.

Speaker 1: 3:02

He's fixing me three in a couple weeks, which is just wild to me. Baby jay is going to be three in a couple of weeks, which is just wild to me. Baby Jay is going to be three Watch out, world. But that is wild. It is wild but his little buddy at preschool's birthday party, and so I don't know.

Speaker 1: 3:18

I think a lot of it's hard because you're like well, I've had people say well, have you met the other moms or parents in the class? And so you know, covid, right, it was virtual. And then post covid, even it was like the walk-in process stopped and I know a lot of schools for safety reasons. It's like carpool, you don't walk in.

Speaker 1: 3:38

We, you know the kid goes, like the parent going in and like having that interaction of seeing another parent, even pickup, they've kind of stopped that to some. Like some daycares, right, you have to go to the door, you do the bags, they bring your kit, like you're never getting that. Oh, hey, susie, see you here or there. So I kind of really interacted, but with maybe one or two of the moms in the class, and so we go to this. I, of course Bill is working, so I was taking both boys because it's it's in this thing too Like if you have multiple children and you get one kid gets invited and you don't have support to watch the other child. The child's not old enough to say by itself, like they come to, like what are you supposed to do? You gotta do. So we load up, and then it just feels kind of like middle school all over again.

Speaker 1: 4:29

I mean, they were all very nice, but it's like it's just, you're just like is this weird to go and like not know these women and go in and say you have to put yourself out there, be like hi, I'm sarah, I'm so-and-so's mom. And then it's not like you can have a conversation because, like I have two, two kids bouncing. It was like at this park next to like this lake and you know, one was trying to throw a rock to and like almost took out another kid. That's actually kind of how I started talking to this other mom. I was was like I'm sorry, my child almost ended your child's life with the rock and it just felt like awkward and weird to like make a new mom friend, yeah.

Speaker 2: 5:12

Well, and it does, because it's just not our norm. Like you said, it is very middle school-esque because it feels like we're the new kid at the school I don't know about, like I moved around quite a bit growing up and so I was the new kid a lot. And so it is that awkward feeling of there's already these friend groups or cliques established and you're thinking where do I fit? Where do I fit in? And I think maybe the goal in the beginning isn't necessarily to fit in. I would readjust the goal of that. We're not going to fit in immediately, but it's just that we're making a little bit of a connection you know.

Speaker 1: 5:57

No, that's, that's a good point. And I ended up talking to the moms and they were lovely and they were great and actually got one's number where we found out we lived in the same neighborhood we're going to you know. You know, but it was that first. Like, ah, are we going to mesh? Do you parent the way I parent? Right, that's a whole thing too right, Because like it is, it is too right because like it is.

Speaker 1: 6:20

It is we. You know it's easy to be friends with people who parent similarly to you, who have the same kind of beliefs and standards, the way they discipline, the way they run their lives right. It can get really like it's hard. You can get judgy judys. You can get really crunchy moms. You get this whole thing where you're just like, ah, we don't do that right. And then your kid sees that and their kid sees the way you. It's just, it gets messy it does very quickly.

Speaker 2: 6:48

I can remember I think it was my oldest christmas party she had her little bestie in there and she immediately ran up to me and she goes can we have a sleepover with so-and-so? Now people can disagree and it's fine, I am not a sleepover mom, and it does have to do with my social work background.

Speaker 2: 7:08

There's just a lot of abuse and things that can take place and I just would prefer for my children to not have that happen. And so cause even my husband has said before he's like, well, if they want to come spend the night here, that's fine, he said, but I have to go somewhere else just to be sure. And I get that because you do. We want to protect ourselves too. We want everybody to be safe. And so the mom came up to me and she goes.

Speaker 2: 7:34

Hey, I know our girls were talking about a spend the night party. And I said I hate to be this and the night party. And I said I hate to be this. And I took over and I said I hate to be that stick in the medicine, but we don't do spend the night parties. And she goes oh, thank goodness we don't either. And I didn't want to be the bad guy and I said it is totally fine. I said now, if we want to get together and hang out and our kids spend an afternoon together, absolutely we can do that, you know. So, even at that, even if we don't know someone's parents the same way as us, sometimes, it's a relief if we just go ahead and say this is my boundary. I'm not trying to be the bad guy, but that was literally the first time I had met her. Yeah, so I mean, obviously it's not like an attack on her, it's just we just don't do that.

Speaker 1: 8:17

No, and it seems like she was like relieved and cool with it.

Speaker 2: 8:19

It's just, I think it is.

Speaker 1: 8:20

I think it's one of those things you just kind of like if you're very lucky enough to you know where you've grown up, your friends are still there, you all have babies together, you got to, you get to village it together that is wonderful. But that has not been my case with how many times we've had to move and it does feel kind of like sometimes you're so tapped out, I think, from like the mental load of parenting in general, that extra mental load of establishing a new friendship Right when you're a mom. It's hard and it requires vulnerability and it's like there is still a level of mean girls out there there is.

Speaker 1: 9:00

And sometimes in the schools the gossip circles get really loud real quick and you're just trying to navigate and be like okay, you don't. I mean I tell people I'm like you really don't know somebody for a while and you do have to almost do self-protection of like a surface level. But then you're like, am I ever going to get past the surface level with this person? And then it's hard because then if your kid's best friends with their kid or you're like on the same team, you're going to all the same parties, you kind of can't get away from them.

Speaker 2: 9:32

Right. Well and I tell this to clients often we don't have to be best friends with everybody, we don't have to be friends with everybody, but we can just be civil.

Speaker 1: 9:42

And I think that's's. I think it's just something I never expected, was these situations, because I mean, so will's fixing to start kindergarten and we went to the kindergarten meet and greet. I know I like what is time, what is time it's time, and but I remember, thank God I had Bill, we walked in and where we live now it is kind of like I feel like a lot of people do know each other, like they grew up here. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:08

And so, like you can all, be, or maybe they had older kids and, like their youngest is now going through. So it's like, hey, I've been in this, we know each other, right, right. And it was just very you looked like I was scanning the room and it was like little pockets of groups and then there was like singular little people and it's just it felt like what are we doing as adults, all being awkward Like, and we were watching our kids. They dove head first majority of them and they were just playing, having a great time.

Speaker 2: 10:38

Yeah, yeah, I think we can learn something from our kids too, that maybe we need to be a little more carefree. Yeah, maybe we just don't need to be so worried about what others are going to think of us, and that's hard for me, absolutely. The people pleaser in me, yeah, and so maybe we can really take a good lesson from our kids of why don't we just go play, why don't we just go hang out, why don't we just go have a good?

Speaker 1: 11:00

time and it's like what does it really? And I have to say this to myself I'm like what does it really matter, you know, if they think X about me or they don't think X about me, right? And it was just this thing I told Bill. I'm like this is just like weird. We're trying to make friends as parents, living our lives, and then you are put in a vacuum of the same people that you're going to be exposed to. Right, yeah, like you were in middle school, right, you couldn't get away from your middle school classmates. Like you had to deal with them.

Speaker 2: 11:31

Yeah, and so I will tell you this, though the classmates and the class parents will change year to year with each class. So you know what? If you and somebody else end up not hitting it off or just not connecting in kindergarten, chances are you're not going to be in the class with them next year.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 2: 11:49

I don't think my daughter had a single classmate from kindergarten first.

Speaker 1: 11:55

And you know and it's, it is just a. I think it's a lot of stuff that self I self-impose, right, and we go back to people pleaser and the perfectionist and they just let it go and just being open and vulnerable. But I do want to touch on a total different situation I don't think people talk about. But like playgrounds, whitney, I do not like playgrounds. I'm going to say it.

Speaker 2: 12:18

It's okay, you're allowed to say it.

Speaker 1: 12:20

I don't like them they. The only playground that I've tried is one that is empty, for just me and my children.

Speaker 2: 12:28

Oh, agreed, Agreed For me and my anxiety and my fear of my children getting snatched up. I'm here for an empty playground. Maybe one other family.

Speaker 1: 12:37

Maybe, I can deal with that and preferably a family I know, right it's like, or a mom and her kids I feel safe about. But then I even find like super busy playgrounds really stress me out oh, yes, same and because I feel like my anxiety takes over and so it's hard.

Speaker 1: 12:56

It's. You know, my youngest is one stage of life, my oldest is another. So, like, their abilities clearly are different. And so these playgrounds, I mean, sometimes they're death traps, right. You're just like, oh cool, you're going to fall and break your femur right there. And then you look over and you're like, oh my gosh, you're going to break your arm right there.

Speaker 1: 13:16

Because it's like you're, you're just, you're trying not to helicopter. I'm not that mom that can sit there and just be like you're brave, you can figure it out. Like I, internally, will just combust if that happens, and I bet I don't want a helicopter. But then it's like, you see, and then we were in a situation the other day where this little guy, who knows where his parent was, could not get over. Like you know, like they do, they set the playgrounds up again Death traps, where it's like this huge leap, or that you had to like hop up and like Ninja Warrior it over to the other side, and he's a toddler and I'm just like, and he's just like help, and I'm like like buddy, you need to go back down that stair.

Speaker 1: 14:01

You're like, don't, don't, don't do that, and so then I'm like taking and feeling responsibility. I'm like I can't turn a blind eye to let this kid just dive in. My two are evil over there trying to, you know, make a new record of like who can break something. So it just feels to me like I want to be the cool, chill, relaxed mom at the playground, but I'm not.

Speaker 2: 14:23

I'm not either, for a multitude of reasons. Again, I do worry about abduction, even though we live in a safe area. Bad things happen in good areas. Okay, they just to do. Also, you know, I am not a graceful person, I am a very clumsy person and my children inherited that from me. God loved them, so I'm usually within a few steps of them, like I'm not on them, but I'm at least three steps away. That way, if you're like, oh, I got myself in a pickle, I need help. I need help kind of thing Because my oldest she can actually do the monkey bars and go from one side to the other. My three-year-old can't.

Speaker 1: 15:01

Her arms are just, but they think they can and I give. It's like baby james, they think he gives. He gives himself way more credit than I do and I'm just like oh, buddy right.

Speaker 2: 15:11

Well, they want to copy big brother, big sister, and they don't understand that. You know they're a good, you know foot shorter than their sibling.

Speaker 1: 15:19

I just was thinking about this the other day. I'm like can't be the only one that avoids purposefully the playground at times, or the playground is closed or walking into a kid's park.

Speaker 2: 15:33

The trampoline park is always closed. The trampoline park is always closed, in my opinion, always. I hate the trampoline park, hate in my opinion, always. I don't hate the trampoline park, ate it I oh, we went the other day.

Speaker 1: 15:42

We go during toddler hour, which I would suggest, if you guys have one near you, look and see if they have it. They sometimes usually have the first like hour, sometimes of a special day, like toddler hour, and it has to be, I think, six and under, which is so nice, because what stresses me out at the trampoline parks is adults and big kids get involved and they're leaping and they'll double bounce your child or like they're just rough and your kid gets in a situation and like you have to go in as the adult. And then I've had situations where teenagers or mildly older kids have just been so disrespectful and so rude to me and I'm like try and get my kid out of, like you know, the ball pit or whatever, like the slide, they're stuck Right and you're just like what is happening right now, like I don't want to be in that situation and it stresses me.

Speaker 2: 16:39

Yeah, Same same for all those reasons. But one time my oldest got staph infection in her chin from the trampoline park.

Speaker 1: 16:47

From that foam pit. It's so nasty they never clean it.

Speaker 2: 16:52

It was disgusting, so I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I'll take my kids to the zoo any day.

Speaker 1: 16:58

Well see, our zoo here has a giant playground that is right at the exit.

Speaker 2: 17:07

Of course, of course.

Speaker 1: 17:15

And again, it's one of those situations that I'm like I have to ground myself and I feel bad saying this, but I'm like the only person that like literally is just like this is a nightmare and maybe it's just the stage of life and the age of my children and Bill will be like you just need to let it go, it's okay. And I look at him. I'm like do you not care if our child breaks something? Bill, like you know, I'm like then I get irritated at him for not being unnerved.

Speaker 2: 17:39

Right. Well, and I think it's a difference in personalities because you know, my husband is an Enneagram nine, so very much peacekeeper, very laid back, you know, kind of go with the flow. Where I'm type A, I'm like I got to stay on him, got the anxiety how can I not Things of that nature? But also, who's the one to handle all the medical stuff? Whitney whitney is the one to handle it, so no wonder it doesn't stress him out because he doesn't have to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Well, it's on me well, and I know that too. That's like, well, if it does go wrong, it's mom. You know the scream is for mom and here we're involved in it and it I don't know, it's just, it's the most like. I feel like if we're involved in it and it, I don't know, it just is the most like. I feel like if you're not in this world of parenting, of playgrounds and little parties and you know, as they get older they'll be able to go, it's drop-offs and you know the parents, it's fun, they can stand up for themselves, they're not going to kill themselves as much, all these things.

Speaker 1: 18:33

But these little years where you're literally forced in with these parents and these situations, and let's just talk about, like, the sensory overload that happens in some of these places, like the let's Play or like, if you're not familiar with let's Play, it's like this indoor jungle gym Jungle gym with strobe lights and music yes, strobe lights, music like even the colors are super bright, like you visually walk in, you're just like ooh, and like there's always an aroma of like a dirty diaper or like vomit at some point, and it is that like K-pop, almost like greatest hits kid version that you hear.

Speaker 1: 19:15

And you're just like you're trying to like dodge kids and they're like coming in and out and you're just like where's my kid? And you walk out and you're just like I never like I just feel like I reach for something, like something cold, or I'm just like, please, just no one talk to me for five minutes or touch me, yeah, and you're just like I paid money for that right I intentionally went there, I voluntarily went there and you're just like parties can be that way, and especially I mean we all, just kind of.

Speaker 1: 19:52

Now I'll look at bill and he'll be like where's the party? And I'll tell him he'll just be like, okay, and it's, you're going into almost battle, sensory battle.

Speaker 2: 20:01

Well, and you know to kind of loop that back around to what you mentioned as far as like connecting with other parents, maybe understanding that because there is that sensory overload, you're going to be on high alert for your kiddos, that maybe that is not the time to build those connections, because there's that sensory overload, anxiety is higher. Your brain can't be in that conversation, so maybe it's OK that things just stay surface level at the party.

Speaker 1: 20:30

I love that. I love that point out and because it's like no one can have a conversation when you have 33-year-olds running around, right, that's not happening. And I think again. I just think back to making new mom friends walking in, making other parent friends. You know, sports teams, navigating the personalities that come to play on sports teams, all the things. If you're like, oh my gosh, I have felt this way too. Or like, yes, I say the playground's closed, or yes, I see the trampoline park is closed, no, you're not alone, but give us some tips, whitney. I love the one of realizing if you're sensory overloaded, it ain't the time to dig deep.

Speaker 2: 21:16

Yeah, just understand, that's not going to be where you build that friendship with another mom. You know you can obviously be civil, all the things, but you're not going to have a hard heart. You ain't going to find your BFF there, not in that moment. Now, as kids get older, events continue. Yeah, the conversations will get a little bit deeper. So, but for now, have realistic expectations of yourself going into those parties or into those play places. That number one higher anxiety because you're keeping up with your kid. Number two sensory overload. So three, let's just realize hey, how are you doing? I hope things are going well and you're allowed to say that and it's genuine. Surface level doesn't mean it's not genuine, it just means that it's surface level because we don't have the bandwidth to go deeper, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 22:08

That's good and I like the two which you mentioned earlier to kind of take a nod from our kids and like let go of the perfectionism, let go of the people, pleaser and just go in it, introduce yourself with you know why. You don't have to dive deep into your life in that moment, but just like a simple introduction, and sometimes I found it's hard to make that first move. It's awkward, right, it's being like hi, my name Sarah, but they're so usually receptive of it because they're feeling the same thing, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 22:36

We're all in the same boat. No one has it all together all the time right.

Speaker 1: 22:41

No matter what you think their instagram shows, they don't. And then something that I've learned from you, whitney, that I implement is when I know it's going to be a day of like the back parties, because often or you've got a lot of vits or it's good, you're going into a sensory like where you're just like oh my, every part of me is grounding before, like walking for me is something that grounds me, so I, even if it's a quick loop around our street that helps whole plungers. I love having your cold drink. You could take a cold drink with you or find a cold drink like find a bottle of water, take a sip, bring your gum, bring, you know, sour candy. Yeah, have something and just be like okay, if I am feeling overwhelmed, like reset your nervous system a little bit before you go into it and I guess, just lower all expectations sometimes because we go into things and it's just not possible.

Speaker 2: 23:39

Right. Yeah, we can't be all things to all people.

Speaker 1: 23:44

And the majority is, and majority of parents. If you're feeling bad, you're like, oh, thankfully somebody said that too about that playground, or you know, x, y and Z. Make you feel like we're all in this together. Oh, absolutely, x, y and Z. Make you feel like we're all in this together. Oh, absolutely, all right guys. So next time, think of us at your birthday parties, your new meet and parent events, playgrounds, zoos, trampoline parks you probably will never think of the ball pit again. The same, but for good reason. So we will see you guys next week. See ya.

Speaker 1: 24:15

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focus on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.