Previa Alliance Podcast
There are few experiences as universal to human existence as pregnancy and childbirth, and yet its most difficult parts — perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) — are still dealt with in the shadows, shrouded in stigma. The fact is 1 in 5 new and expecting birthing people will experience a PMAD, yet among those who do many are afraid to talk about it, some are not even aware they’re experiencing one, and others don’t know where to turn for help. The fact is, when someone suffers from a maternal mental health disorder it affects not only them, their babies, partners, and families - it impacts our communities.
In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Sarah Parkhurst and Whitney Gay are giving air to a vastly untapped topic by creating a space for their guests — including survivors of PMADs and healthcare professionals in maternal mental health — to share their experiences and expertise openly. And in doing so, Sarah and Whitney make it easy to dig deep and get real about the facts of perinatal mental health, fostering discussions about the raw realities of motherhood. Not only will Previa Alliance Podcast listeners walk away from each episode with a sense of belonging, they’ll also be armed with evidence-based tools for healing, coping mechanisms, and the language to identify the signs and symptoms of PMADs — the necessary first steps in a path to treatment. The Previa Alliance Podcast series is intended for anyone considering pregnancy, currently pregnant, and postpartum as well as the families and communities who support them.
Sarah Parkhurst
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; Founder & CEO of Previa Alliance
A postpartum depression survivor and mom to two boys, Sarah is on a mission to destigmatize the experiences of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), and to educate the world on the complex reality of being a mom. Sarah has been working tirelessly to bring to light the experiences of women who have not only suffered a maternal mental health crisis but who have survived it and rebuilt their lives. By empowering women to share their own experiences, by sharing expert advice and trusted resources, and by advocating for health care providers and employers to provide support for these women and their families, Sarah believes as a society we can minimize the impact of the current maternal mental health crisis, while staving off future ones.
Whitney Gay
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; licensed clinician and therapist
For the past ten years, Whitney has been committed to helping women heal from the trauma of a postpartum mental health crisis as well as process the grief of a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. She believes that the power of compassion paired with developing critical coping skills helps moms to heal, rebuild, and eventually thrive. In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Whitney not only shares her professional expertise, but also her own personal experiences of motherhood and recovery from grief.
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Previa Alliance Podcast
Moms: "We are Struggling!" Society: "You are Superheroes!"
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Moms everywhere waving the white flag saying “help we are drowning” and society saying “you are superheroes you got this!” Sound familiar? We know moms make the world go around but even superheroes need to rest their cape and call in reinforcements. Tune in to hear advice from your favorite fellow moms in the trenches Sarah and Whitney and how to fight back.
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The Struggles of Being a Supermom
Speaker 1Hey guys , welcome back to the Free VLANs podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney . Okay , so today , Whitney , let's talk about it . Moms , they're superheroes and we're going . Hey , that's great , we're drowning , yeah we're drowning .
Speaker 2Quit telling me I'm a superhero and help me , instead of handing me an anchor and making me sing to the bottom Don't , and I think it really .
Speaker 1we've always been superheroes as moms , but COVID really was like I think it did a shift that we were supposed to . I mean , if you think about schools were closed , childcare were closed . We were supposed to still work now with our children at home . Now we're isolated because our village that , if you're lucky enough to have a physical village , we were mandated to stay away . So then it become well . You did so great during this time and moms are the backbone of society , and it's like we have still not recovered from that .
Speaker 2And I almost think we have a little overcompensation right now . Yeah , because we did go so long without extracurriculars being an option and being able to socialize and go and do all of these things , these events .
Speaker 1So now we almost are kind of overdoing it Because you feel like I missed out , my kid missed out . I have to make up time for what I lost because it was COVID was a loss . Like huge loss , a loss for so many experiences , relationships .
Speaker 2We're really looking at nearly two years of almost lockdown ish type Isolation . Yes isolation , that's a great word .
Speaker 1It was a dark period for everybody . It was , but it's like . Society kept being like here's your cape , keep wearing it , moms . You can do it , you can do it and you're just like this is not normal . So I think what happened too is then we believe we are the superhero and we're out of the game . You're kind of killing yourself slowly with what you're putting on yourself Mentally , right it's like and then you're running yourself to exhaustion . And I always say sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing like well .
Speaker 2Well , and that's the thing , we can't do everything at 100% , because if we're doing five things , we don't have 100% to give to five . We don't have 500% within us .
Speaker 1No no , don't . And then now it's like , if you even think about moms , like what we're doing , right , if you take the mental load of being a mom alone , you're not taking the work , you're not taking the Uber driving . We are for our children . Basically , sometimes we're not taking the roles on if we're a daughter , if we're a sister , we're a wife , the mental load of did I order diapers ? What do we have food in the fridge ? I need to thaw the meat ? Oh my gosh , I have to pay this bill that tears this email from the school . I have this birthday party .
Speaker 2I have this family member Kid , naturally , is going to go in and pop a fever in the middle of all that too . So then , we have to coordinate either a pediatrician appointment or an urgent care appointment . I'm not speaking from recent personal experience .
Speaker 1Whitney again has been hit a little bit on this road .
Speaker 2Yeah , me and my youngest both have had strep twice within the past month . Yeah . That was super fun . And then she literally finished her antibiotics for strep . The second time , yesterday and Monday , she woke up and had a 101 fever and a wet cough . So after the pediatrician we go to make sure it's not RSV . It wasn't RSV , it wasn't , it was para influenza and a non COVID coronavirus cold .
Speaker 1I mean three infections . It never ends it just , and that's the thing is like . I think it's hard if somebody's like , well , what's happening ? It's like everything's happening . You may see me doing , driving my kids to school , but in my head I have a thousand things that I'm trying to put in categories of what I have to do today . Yeah , maybe you know I feel horrible sometimes . Sometimes text messages , I read them , I just don't respond back . Okay , I'm getting called out because that is me .
Speaker 1And then I feel like , and then I'm like oh my gosh , my bad .
Speaker 2You know , I read this during this time or you know , our love when I actually type out a response and I forget to hit .
Speaker 1Oh , that's happened too . And then you know some people are like okay , well , can you do this , can you do that or add this in ? You're just like in your head , you get slow to process . Yeah . Like I get brain fog sometimes and just like that freeze or fawn . Yep .
Speaker 1Where , then , I'll be like well , I've got a zillion things to do . Let me do scroll on Instagram for a second and then it's an hour . Yeah , yeah . And then you're like , wow , and hours went by , yeah , but it's like I never used to be like that , honestly , before I was a mom .
Speaker 2Well , and let's also be real . Social media wasn't as scrollable back then .
Speaker 1No , and that algorithm literally designed for us to mindlessly do that .
Speaker 2Yeah , because I mean you know and I've said this before where social media apps are meant to be addictive , especially now , and so just like Netflix , yeah , so it's easy just to scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll and all those kinds of things .
Speaker 1Yeah . So what do we say ? You know , I struggle too with this . It's like and Billy even said this to me last night he was like because he's going to go away for his reunion of Trev and I'm not able to go with him , and I was like , you know , am I a little bit like jealous that he gets to go and enjoy ? And it's like if you even break it down for a dad all dads or partners , but typical , they just book their flight and they go , yeah , pack a bag .
Speaker 2Peace out , unless you have to pack the bag for them .
Speaker 1What's not more than likely . I'm doing the drag , cleaning and make sure everything's ready for his suits for this event , but it's like for me to leave for me and some of my best girlfriends . We try to take an annual girls trip . Yeah , I mean , I feel like we fight off typhoons , we fight off tornadoes , we fight off every kid getting sick . It takes an army of babysitters , it takes our parents . You know us being like we'll give you whatever . Please come and watch our kids . Yes , and I'm at that same thing , making sure their clothes are set . I'm dealing with the school stuff ahead of time . Yeah , and it's like so . Even for me to even take that trip . It takes a lot of work , a lot of work , and then I feel guilty when I take time for myself . Make it make sense .
Speaker 2You really want me to yeah , okay .
Speaker 1I got . Why not ? Are you ready , let's go Okay .
Speaker 2So so much of this goes back to people pleasing behaviors , yeah , and feeling the need to be all things for all people . Yeah . And it's one of those weird things where we almost know that we're reliable enough that we can put ourselves on the back burner , like , it's okay , I can let myself go on the back burner because I know that I'm still being there for everybody else , so I can get validation from everybody else and I don't have to do it for myself .
Speaker 1Oh my .
Speaker 2God , I told you I tried to work on it .
Speaker 1I know so what . What do I do ?
Motherhood Struggles and Setting Boundaries
Speaker 2So I think part of it is normal to realize that you're going to organize and prepare for being gone . Yeah . That's normal , because you do want to get school stuff taken care of ahead of time , and if you guys have a project or something do you may be like you know what . Well , let's go ahead and get this poster made that way on Thursday . All you have to do is get it in the car . But , that is all you got to do , so you may do that assignment a week ahead of time . Yeah .
Speaker 2Just for it to be done . Yeah , that's appropriate . We can say that that's very appropriate . So there are some parts of this preparation that are normal , that will decrease stress , even on yourself in the moment . Right , and they're like you know what ? I sent the text to my mom , bill . Whomever they know , get the poster board . Yeah .
Speaker 2They know where the poster board is at . They have put it in the car . It's on them . At this point I've done all that I can do , so some preparation is very normal . Then , when it comes to making sure that you are all things to all , people realize that that's not actually very realistic . Yeah .
Speaker 2You know , if you only have 40% of yourself to give one day and let's say you give 40% to your kids that day we don't have another 100% to give to others . Yeah , you've already given 100% of your resources for that day to somebody else .
Speaker 1And I think that's something that , like I had to realize . Motherhood really , really helped me realize that I don't start off every day with 100% to give .
Speaker 2No , nobody does and .
Speaker 1I think it's this lie that like you wake up and you're just like I'm refreshed .
Speaker 2I'm great , I'm ready to go , it's a new day , let's take it on .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's just not reality , it's not .
Speaker 2And that's okay . Yeah , that is such a TV slash movie influence on us where these people wake up and they look so refreshed . Well , you know what I would too if I had studio makeup and hair done and I hadn't actually fallen asleep , and I'm pretending to be asleep and I wake up , okay .
Speaker 1That's true .
Speaker 2So that is very much a lie that is put into our heads of well , this is what it's like to wake up . Well , maybe when I was 22 . Yeah , you know , maybe when I didn't have kids that woke up throughout the night because the rain scared them .
Speaker 1Oh , in Alabama , the storms they get us often .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I mean , we're daily with the thunderstorms right now .
Speaker 1Truly in it . Just , and I think too , going back to like the superhero cape is like then it myself . I feel like okay , I've worn it for so long .
Speaker 2Part of that identity ?
Speaker 1Yeah , and then how do I take it off without disappointing everybody ?
Speaker 2Well , let's tie that into boundaries . Yeah . So that's part of where you can tell somebody hey , you know what ? I'm glad to help you with this , but I don't have time for that today . Is that something that I can do for you on Thursday ? Mm-hmm .
Speaker 2Figuring out . Can we re-delegate that time ? Because you actually don't mind doing it and you're not doing it for a source of validation . You want to be able to help that person out , but you don't have the capacity today or the resources today . But you know , you know what , Thursday is actually a pretty good day . I can get that accomplished .
Speaker 1And you know I used to feel really bad saying no back to my people , pleasing to come here or have it wait , but I respect someone now so much more . They're like this doesn't work for me this day . I can give my all on this day with this Correct and I'm like , so why is that not okay for me when it comes to motherhood ?
Speaker 2Well , because you have kind of high self-imposed expectations .
Speaker 1So you have to limit . I have to become more okay with my expectations of not being super mom .
Speaker 2Yeah , because nobody is .
Speaker 1And again , it's just like you . Sometimes I'm like I'm struggling with two kids . I see a mom with like five kids and I'm like okay , what ?
Speaker 2But you also don't know the struggle that it took to get those five kids to the zoo . Yeah . You don't know how many of them , if not all of them , had a meltdown . Yeah . Because they probably did .
Speaker 1I mean , my dad was the youngest of seven and I remember one of my aunts saying to me one time she's like at some point we just watched each other .
Speaker 2I was just thinking that I saw something on Instagram the other day that talked about , like , the more kids that you have . It's not as taxing as it is to have two kids , because then the older ones start to help take care of the younger ones . So you could have a 10 year old that starts to kind of take the five or six year old under their wing , right , and it's like , okay , well , let's pick out your clothes for today , or let me help you color your homework assignment , or whatever it is .
Speaker 1And then even just one kid . You just don't have that other entertainment . Sometimes Correct that siblings can either provide via violence or joy , both Both happens frequently in my household . Yeah , again , you're right , you don't know what someone else is .
Speaker 2We don't see the behind the scenes .
Speaker 1So that's a good point too , to just say this generation of moms , like it or not . What else we are dealing with is COVID , mass shootings , new levels of infertility , honestly , and the fact of generations before us , if they couldn't get pregnant , they couldn't get pregnant . Now we have more access to things IUIs , IVF , Invisal , all the things and that's a whole journey in itself . It is that's mentally taxing , it is . And then you have this new balance of work , mom life . Oh , it's hard .
Speaker 1Or it's so hard . Just the expectations that society has now placed upon us .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I think so much of that . Again , I think it's an overcompensation from COVID , where we feel like we have to put our kids in all of the things because we feel like they missed out , on which they did .
Speaker 2I feel like my oldest missed out on a lot . I feel like I missed out on ages three and four with her because of COVID times , when 1,000% I get that . But I do think we have an overcompensation where people are like my kid's gonna do T-ball and soccer and it's in the same season . We are talking at least two practices a week for each activity and then games , and so you're also looking at what , if you have multiple children and they each have two activities a piece , you're looking at going to six to 10 practices in games a week . How is that even doable ? I have no idea how it's even doable . To be honest with you , I have neighbors that do that .
Speaker 1And I always am just like are y'all not exhausted ? I'm exhausted watching you pack up and get out .
Speaker 2Yeah , I don't really know how people are capable of it , but I will say that there's a pediatrician account that I've been following on Instagram and I really appreciate his perspective on a lot of things .
Speaker 2And he talks about how to un-busy your life , because I honestly feel a little guilt because my oldest . We've never really put her in sports , which this year she was like I don't really wanna do it . So the most extracurricular we've done for her has been swim lessons , which I feel like is more of a safety thing as opposed to an extracurricular .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2That's my own little soap box on that . I feel like swim lessons are necessary for life , it's a survival it is .
Speaker 2So to me that's not extra as far as , like , it's not a team sport kind of thing , and so I felt guilty because she hasn't done T-Ball , she hasn't done soccer , she hasn't done all of these things . But he talked about how you want to un-busy your life , because your kids are not always going to remember these activities that they're involved in . They're gonna remember a connection with their family . So when they get to be teenagers , when they get to be in college , when they get to be young adults and they feel overwhelmed or they have a sticky situation come up and they need help navigating it , they can come back to mom and dad because they feel secure with mom and dad . And , oh my goodness , did I need that perspective .
Speaker 1Because all you see is and I felt I remember feeling this one will was little I was like , oh , they're taking them to Story Hour and then they're doing music class , and then they're doing this and I'm like I'm not doing any of that .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1I feel , that .
Speaker 2Yeah , I feel that for sure , and that was hard . It is hard , and so as my oldest gets older , we're gonna keep giving her the option . But one thing that I really appreciated from that pediatric account was you do one extra for a child per season . Mm . Okay , so if my daughter says yes , I wanna play soccer . Great , you can do soccer for the spring season , but that means we can't do T-ball . That means that your swim lessons get pushed to summertime . That means that you can't do cheerleading in the spring . Right .
Speaker 2So we have to have those real conversations of we are more than happy for you to do soccer , but when you do soccer , that is your commitment .
Speaker 1And that's a boundary too of her time that she's gonna learn Mm-hmm absolutely . And let's just say again , because I need to hear this rest is not lazy .
Speaker 2It's productive .
Speaker 1So be the most productive self . If society's gonna keep making us be these superheroes , we have to have that pause . We have to have that rest .
Speaker 2Absolutely we do , and that's one thing that that pediatrician had talked about as well is , we're teaching our kids how to have those boundaries when they get older , so that they're used to saying no , I can't take that on . Oh yeah , so to me . I feel like that would help decrease people pleasing behaviors . Yeah , where we can say you know what ? I have enough right now . Thank you for the opportunity , but right now I can't take on more .
Speaker 1And I think , protecting your mental health , this is just a huge step . And getting okay with telling people no , okay , I'm looking at myself and it's hard Saying that I can't do something does not deteriorate my worth or my value yeah .
Speaker 1I agree , it's actually I'm adding back to myself Absolutely . But growing up working in certain , you know , in the healthcare industry , the hospital's never gonna like the no or that's too much , and it's like I remember , you know , we always had to have more patients than we should have in ratio and they didn't care . No , you need to do the job . Yeah , so that was engraved . Yeah .
Speaker 1So it's now , as your mom and societies keeps trying to push it at us , we have to stand back and we have to bounce back and just say , nope , here's these guardrails of our time , here's our guardrails of our mental energy . Nope , you know , let's tag in help . Yeah , so let's talk about that . How do we tag in help ?
Speaker 2So with that , it doesn't even have to be a specific person that you're asking for help . If you know , it's a busier afternoon . So , like for me , my later days at work are Wednesdays . That's just how my schedule is set up . So we know Wednesdays are going to be our drive-thru days . So , whether that is pizza , whether that's Chick-fil-A , Zaxby's , whatever it may be , that's take-out night . And you know what that takes a lot off of me when I'm writing on our calendar with the menu is like Wednesdays , take-out . We will make that decision in the car .
Speaker 2And I love that because I delegate something and my kids are pretty happy because , yes , it's Wednesday , that means we get to do something fun . So for them it's an experience kind of thing , and I'm like , praise Jesus , I don't really have to worry about dishes . I don't have to worry about cooking . I don't have to worry about them getting hungry because I have to cook things like that .
Speaker 1And so , and then , how do you and you're also this mom who's like this is me , this is me . It's like what do you deal with the mom girl and the mom shamers when you start ? Because , like we say it , with anything right , If we've used to be doing something , society's used to us always doing it . Our family and friends , our partners are always used to it . We set that boundary .
Speaker 2They love to buck a boundary . They love to buck a boundary because they're not used to being told no , just like your toddler doesn't like being told no If they ask for ice cream or a popsicle for breakfast . Not disclosing what happens in my household at all .
Speaker 1Or I want out of my car seat .
Speaker 2No . So when that happens , just know , when you establish a boundary , you will likely get backlash . And while I'm not one to say plan out all of your conversations , because that can increase your anxiety , have responses ready that are kind of non-emotional , not that you're being cold or harsh , but that you're saying I understand that you're frustrated , that's understandable . However , right now I just can't take on more .
Speaker 4Right , or you know what .
Speaker 2We can't handle five extracurriculars at once . We're withdrawing from baseball right now , or whatever the case may be or we cannot do .
Speaker 1You know , we would love to celebrate you guys . Unfortunately , our time is committed elsewhere . You know you send a gift . Yeah , move on .
Speaker 2Yeah , it is what it is and not every . And here's the thing nobody can do all things . No .
Juggling Responsibilities and Setting Boundaries
Speaker 2And there are only so many days out of the week and when we are in the season of life , of birthday parties being frequent guess what . You're probably going to get multiple birthday party invitations for the same day .
Speaker 1That always happens .
Speaker 2That would be our weekend . This weekend where my youngest got a birthday party invite . My oldest niece is having her high school graduation party and we're house hunting , so it was one of those . You know , I was like you know what ? We can send just a little Chick-fil-A gift card for my youngest friends with the birthday card . That's a great gift for a two year old , no more .
Speaker 1They love it and , honestly , the two year old's not going to really .
Speaker 2Well , it's less clutter in their household .
Speaker 1Yeah , and the mom's like thank gosh , exactly .
Speaker 2There's more plastic toys in the house . So , and unfortunately , we had already committed with our realtor to house hunt Literally right when my niece's graduation party is going to be . So you know what I'm doing . We are getting a nice gift off of Amazon . I am shipping it to her with a card .
Speaker 1Yeah , all the things , and you're like this is okay .
Speaker 2We don't have a choice but for it to be okay .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And the thing is , you know , when my husband talks to his elder brother and it's like , hey , we can't do these things , they're going to be fine with it Because you know what yeah . They have two kids too . They understand the busyness that can be life with two young children . Yes . And so luckily , we do have that good relationship where they're not going to be angry with us about not coming , so we have that to our advantage , thankfully .
Speaker 1It goes back to . I know I got a lot of backlash when I started saying no , you know my kids need to nap . If it's their nap time , we're not going to be there .
Speaker 2Yep .
Speaker 1Nope , we're leaving because I'm not going to deal with them to be over tired and we're going home , or nope , I'm not doing that travel . Or if people , just they just automatically thought they had every right to see my kids at any time of the day they wanted , or me and my family to do X because they just wanted it , and I was like this is not how it's going to work . But now that hard of the initial no , now they're just like that's our boundary .
Speaker 2Yeah , it is , and we can only do so much , and there's only so many days out of the weekend , hours in the day and we are allowed to have our boundaries in place .
Speaker 1Boundaries are not a bad thing . And then let's talk about to the mom who says you know , I asked for help and I don't get it the way I want it , or I end up doing it anyways , or it's more work for me .
Speaker 2So with that , sometimes that can fall into the category of someone says , well , just tell me how to help you . Oh boy . That doesn't necessarily take off of our mental load , because now we're saying well , if I have to tell you to put the dishes that are visibly in the sink and the dishwasher like you're an adult , can you not understand that that's a need to swap the dishes out Like that ? I feel like you should understand that at 30 something years old .
Speaker 1It makes you almost going to like rage .
Speaker 2Yeah , because it feels like it's an obvious yeah , but again I do feel like moms , we put so much on ourselves to be perfect and to do all the things that we feel like everybody else should see these same problems the way we do .
Speaker 1And they don't . I always say it always amazes me with his ability to not see . It is not the right thing , but like , not let it be his have to Mm-hmm .
Speaker 2Well , and I think we're so used to juggling all the things mentally that we feel like we have to juggle it all physically as well . Mm-hmm . And so it's one of those things that you know . If there's dishes in this thing and my husband's like , hey , how can I help you ? It really , I'm learning , I am learning .
Speaker 1We're learning .
Speaker 2I am learning how to not let it bother me . I can just say you know what I think that we need to . You know , put the dishes in the sink and the dishwasher . Can you do that for me ? Yeah . Because truly , yes , it does add a little bit to my mental load to say that , but also it takes me about five seconds to tell him hey , can you just load the dishwasher and then , the task can be done . Yeah .
Speaker 2And you know what , I don't have to spend a few minutes doing it Like that does take it off of me physically and mentally , because then the sink is cleared . That takes that away from me . So I'm learning things that I view as an obvious chore . I can , I can state the obvious chore and it can get done . It can get done Now . This is , this is just a me thing .
Speaker 1There's my time . Okay .
Speaker 2Okay , I'm telling all myself . So bless my husband , he really does try to help , like with the girl's laundry . That's been a huge thing to take off of my mental play , because I haven't had to ask for that . That's one of those he's been able to help . But he does not fold and put away clothes the way I do . I don't really understand why he does it the way that he does .
Speaker 1I can see it visibly of like . It bothers me , Uh-huh .
Speaker 2Yeah , there have been many times I go back , especially more so in my oldest room , because she's obviously much taller . So we have to actually fold the leggings and the shirts and whatnot . Now I have to go back behind them and do it because I'm like , the way you do and get , we don't , we don't know what we have and uh-huh . Uh-huh .
Speaker 2So I tell him that I appreciate him washing , drying and putting clothes away , because that really does take a lot off of me , right ? Do I have to tell him I go back behind him and refold them ? No . No , I don't . No . Because it really doesn't even take me that much time to just fold things and get them back in the drawer where they were .
Speaker 1And it's a pick . It's a pick , your battle .
Speaker 2It is because 97% of that work has been done . So I'm a let go of my 3% of frustration or annoyance and be like you know what that really did help . That took time off of my day . Yeah .
Speaker 1And you know I I try to get our life into a rhythm as much as possible and to the point will . Yesterday he was like , oh , she's going to fold laundry right now . He started to help .
Speaker 1Sweet buddy , I just was like , oh my gosh , you know it was the sweetest kind of thing , but that's something that helps me as the rhythm and my kids know what to expect Now . Bill schedule is everywhere and anywhere , so I've been . I'm just like maybe I should write out this is always done daily and see if that would help communicate .
Speaker 2Yeah , so what you could do , because what we have on our fridge for a meal , I say meal planning . We very loosely use of meal planning , but we have a dry erase calendar and so on . There I write down whatever I think that we're going to do for supper that day . If you know , it's my daughter's swim lesson day , all right , so we have a little bit of a day lesson in the time and all those kinds of things . But when it comes down to chores , more often than not Thursdays could be bathroom cleaning days and things like that .
Speaker 2So just kind of putting those things on there so we're not deep cleaning the whole house on the weekends , because that gets old .
Speaker 1That gets old and that's the time you want to like relax and rest , if you can .
Speaker 2Absolutely and honestly . Our weekends just get busy going and doing and things like that and so , and like this weekend , like Sunday , I'm having to make up for calling out earlier this week when my youngest was sick , and so I don't have time for chores on Sunday because I'm working , and that's not my norm to work on a Sunday , but I needed to get people back in as soon as I could . So it's one of those , when we have flexibility with tasks that helps with the dry erase , because it's like you know what .
Speaker 2Maybe Sunday was kitchen cleaning day . Well , if I'm working , that's probably not going to happen . That's not going to happen and it just is what it is and we know that it's part of it . So , really , when my youngest was at home sick on Monday , guess what ? Kitchen clean . Yeah . Because she was napping or she was chilling watching Peppa Pig in there and I was like you know what , Let me go ahead and get this done while I can . Mine as well .
Speaker 2Yeah , she was happy with her popsicle in front of the TV and let me tell you , tv can be a resource TV and 100% .
Speaker 1What about I love this term conscious mom versus bad or good mom ? And about again just because you did not get ex done does not mean you're by mom .
Speaker 2Correct . So this is again where we need to kind of get away from our value and our self worth coming from productivity .
Speaker 1And that's me . I'm like look what all I got accomplished .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I know I love a good to do list and being able to cross things off my to do list . I will add things that I've accomplished to the to do list .
Speaker 1Do check it off .
Speaker 2Absolutely . I'm here for it .
Speaker 1What does that say about us ?
Speaker 2We're very type A yeah . Yeah . We also really like validation .
Speaker 1Why do we like validation so much ?
Speaker 2We may not have always felt like we got it from our parents when we were growing up .
Speaker 1Even , though we both had really great parents .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , and the thing is , my parents did give me validation growing up , but I don't think it was my love language .
Speaker 1Oh yeah , well , that's the thing it's like . I don't think until now I've really learned my love language .
Speaker 2Correct , yeah . So as a kid , yeah , there's no way we really would have known . So of course , our parents give us love in their love language , because we're humans , that's what we're gonna do .
Speaker 2But for me I do get so much validation and self-worth out of productivity and so for me words of affirmation is always gonna be high up on my love languages and I think it's swapped a little bit where acts of service and quality time they kind of fight for that second place role there . But as far as good mom or bad mom of what I got done today , what you get done is not actually a definition of your character and who you are . Now this is where we put it in that versus conscious mom . When we do a conscience parenting , it's when we are aware enough of where we are at with our emotions and our feelings and we can either regulate so that we're not losing our tempers , we can express our emotions in a healthy manner to our children , or when we do lose it because we're going to , because we're humans , we can get back to our child and have conflict resolution . Or let's say we do forget something . We forget to pack the snack , or we forget to send the assignment , or whatever it is , it's gonna happen .
Speaker 1Yeah oh yeah , it happens .
Speaker 2It's going to happen . We're human . That's when we can go back and say I'm really sorry , I forgot about that . I did not mean to forget that .
Speaker 1It's an owning of I'm human yeah , for all of you and showing your kids you don't expect them to be perfect the whole entire time too . I know and I think it really goes back to that pediatrician too of I don't think it's healthy for our kids to see us doing everything and anything and never resting and never setting boundaries .
Speaker 2And never being there and playing with them .
Speaker 1And just be in present .
Speaker 2That's a big one yeah .
Speaker 1So , if this is resonating with you guys , whitney , give them some like just little Whitney thoughts of just how to give them some hope . What's the steps they can do ? They're like , I'm ready .
Speaker 2So one thing that I would encourage you to do again we're gonna reframe . Okay
Setting Boundaries and Asking for Help
Speaker 2. So when you have that negative or that self-deprecating thought of I'm not good enough , I forgot this , you know things along those lines .
Speaker 1I can't do this for my work and my kids . I'm failing .
Speaker 2I can't be all the things to all . People Refrain you know what that's right . I can't be all things to all people . I don't have a choice but to be here for my kids . I mean , that's life .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's life .
Speaker 2It is what it is , but our kids don't have to have the Pinterest craft to take to school . Right . You know , let's give ourselves more realistic expectations of what we can and cannot accomplish . Yeah .
Speaker 2And then when it comes to work , yes , we do have a due diligence at work we absolutely do . But when we feel like we're hitting our max , that's when we can say you know what , I can't take on another project right now . Or you know , if you work in a hospital and you're a nurse , you can be like hey , I need to go flexi or I need to go part-time If that's something that you can do financially or even saying maybe I need to swap floors to get a break from this . Yes , you know what I mean , yeah .
Speaker 2Try to brainstorm of ideas to make life a little bit easier for you .
Speaker 1And you can take off like you can always . Whatever you put on yourself , you can take off . Oh yeah , when it comes to labels , when it comes to tasks , when it comes to , I'm the only person that can do this . Yeah , that again goes back to we've always tried to please , and society tells us to keep , keep , keep , do , do , do .
Speaker 2Because you know what my husband can do by kick the laundry .
Speaker 1Yeah , my husband can .
Speaker 2I don't have to do it all on my own every single time .
Speaker 1And that's not . I mean . There's nothing wrong with that . That's not defining us .
Speaker 2And you wouldn't view one of your friends or another mom as weak if she accepts help .
Speaker 1I would say good for you , mm-hmm .
Speaker 2So here's a good challenge .
Speaker 1Okay , homework Okay .
Speaker 2However you view somebody else , whether it is a friend , a colleague , just another mom . If you would not view her as weak for accepting , help , view yourself in the same light .
Speaker 1Yeah , and let's throw this in there If anybody , if you're like no , they would be weak . You need to look inside yourself there .
Speaker 2Yeah , Because nobody is weak for asking for help . No , you need no .
Speaker 1Nobody can do life alone . You need to get in there and figure out what mindset why would that was created ? And work through that with a therapist .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely , because , again , that's very high self-imposed expectations . Which chances are there's a childhood link to that ?
Speaker 1It always goes back to childhood .
Speaker 2It does . I'll tell you , mine actually started when I worked in foster care in my early 20s . I can tell you exactly where that started for me .
Speaker 1And that was because I remember the story right . They didn't they impose like so much on you .
Speaker 2It was a strange dynamic where we actually had what would be considered a small caseload of like six to eight kids , but we had to see our therapeutic foster kids three times a week , and then we had to see our family preservation cases once a week , and then , if they were traditional foster care , I had to see them once a week as well , and that's not including any emergencies and things like that that came up , and so it really was a lot to juggle if you have eight kids on your caseload . Yeah .
Speaker 2Because you've got five days in the work week , yeah . And then here let's just say , three of those eight kids are therapeutic foster care . I have to see all of them three times each , so that's nine visits . Yeah .
Speaker 2Well , then you've got my other , let's see . Did I say I had eight at that time ? So I've got five other people that I have to see , five at least once that week . So that's 14 visits in a week , not including documentation , not including my drive time , not including school meetings , not including court all of those things , oh , taking them to doctors and dentist appointments , psychiatric appointments , I mean we were all the things to them and it was a lot to manage . And .
Speaker 2I'm on a normal week , I've probably worked 60 hours easily , and so I mean there I was having to be all things , to all people , not just to my children and the foster parents , but to my supervisor , to DHR , to the courts , to medical offices to make sure kids got there on time , to school systems so that I could verify that I'm actually somebody that can check this child out of school and they're going to be safe .
Speaker 2We had to answer to a lot of people , had to answer to a lot of people , and you can only do that for so long before you burn out .
Speaker 1And I think you just described motherhood .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , and this was on steroids , because you're not actually the parent , but you have to assume a parent role and be responsible . It was a lot .
Speaker 1Well , we always look inert . So thank you for sharing that . But , guys , you're not alone . But please take the challenge that Whitney just presented , If you would not judge your best friend your sister , anybody for setting a boundary , knowing their time is valuable . Rest asking for help , receiving help . Don't judge yourself .
Speaker 2No , not even a little bit . That's not allowed .
Speaker 1So , and we know you're superheroes , but superheroes get to rest .
Speaker 2So take your rest .
Speaker 1Until next time , guys , all right , see ya .
Speaker 4Returnal . Mental health is as important as physical health . The previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .