Speaker 1: 0:10

Hey guys, welcome back to Preval Alliance Podcast. This is Sarah With Whitney Whitney's with us. We are virtually together thanks to very appropriate topic that we're going to cover, and the title of this episode with me is why is it so hard for moms to put our own oxygen mask on first?

Speaker 2: 0:35

Well, you and I have lived this for the past week and I have two weeks. Yeah. So my husband, a week ago, had his wisdom teeth taken out, was down for the count for several days after, and then, naturally, monday rolls around in. My three year old wakes up with a 101.1 fever, telling me her mouth hurts. And it was stripped. Because why wouldn't it be stripped?

Speaker 1: 0:59

Why not?

Speaker 2: 1:00

Why not? Why not Y'all overcame the stomach bug, so?

Speaker 1: 1:04

it was literally the same, like minute. I texted Whitney a picture of baby James and she was like I was texting you and if her daughter and I was just like what is happening? I literally was like what Whitney is occurring? But this is not like a one off in our lives and I know our listeners are probably like it seems the same for, like you get into a routine perhaps, and then it's a sporadic event the sicknesses, the work deadlines, the family life you know, we just recently had a death in our immediate family as well and it just seems that moms can't take a break and that's why we can't put our oxygen mask on.

Speaker 1: 1:55

And I had to fly for the funeral recently and I paid attention to this statement right, it's like case of emergencies. Right, air mask, we're going to drop from the ceiling. If you're traveling with a minor, what do they always say Please put on your own mask before helping them. And I thought to myself have you thought about this, whitney, like this happened? Right, god help us all. This doesn't happen. Do you think you would put yours on or the girls on first? Like, realistically, what would you?

Speaker 2: 2:21

do Just one percent. You know I'm going to dive over anything and everything to put their mask on first.

Speaker 1: 2:28

Uh-huh the same, and that concept is something we need to explore more. When it comes to, you know, obviously we're not talking about oxygen here, but we're talking about the things that give us mom, oxygen, life and breath, and you know, I got on this like tangent rabbit hole, like. So let me hear the logistics of this airline mask situation, because yes, whitney, would be 100 percent. I visualize her leaping, her body Flying, what, probably yelling at her to man, put yours on first.

Speaker 2: 2:59

Whitney's probably going to have some security if we land safely, just because I was going to say Whitney's going to never fly again after this.

Speaker 1: 3:06

But you know it's saying that for people who are like, okay, let's talk about the why of this. Most minors they said this is what airlines are telling me cannot reach for their own Oscar mask, right? It's too high, right? Or not be able to do it, like the dexterity to put it on, and they get panicked, right? So the adult passengers needs our oxygen mask on first, then to help others, because if we are in this situation and we've put it on our kids, then they cannot put it on us, right?

Speaker 3: 3:38

So we've lost the oxygen we pass out.

Speaker 1: 3:41

Yeah, it's cliche, it's uncomfortable, right, but it's like you have to, as a mom which we're learning how to do this prioritize yourself, literally, put your mask on, because I know that I have not, especially in this season of life of littles. And then I hear you know moms in different stages it may be it's the sports, or maybe it's a child is having some challenges and now you're going to, you know you're bringing them back into the home. Whatever level that is, we feel guilt, right. It feels really hard to say I need to do something for me, and a lot of them struggle with that.

Speaker 2: 4:22

Well, yeah, well, and I think some of it is because, you know, when our babies are born, they're literally dependent on us for everything. They've been dependent on us to make it to labor and delivery. They're dependent on us to feed them, however we choose to feed them. They're dependent on us to change their diaper, to bathe them, to clothe them, to put a roof over their head. They are 100% dependent on us. So, as moms, it's almost a survival instinct that we put them first, because that's how life goes in the beginning.

Speaker 2: 4:58

And so then you separate it out, like the sickness and the illness and all of that that's going through our families. You know, especially like my husband was down for the count, you know. So I'm doing school pickup, I'm doing homework, I'm doing separate time, bath time, bedtime. I'm doing all the things because my seven and three year old aren't capable of that. You know they're not capable of getting themselves home. No, my seven year old can put a few things in the microwave, like they can grab an uncrustible or a gogurt out of the fridge. So technically, yes, they could get some nutrition if they had to. But I wouldn't dare trust my three year old to bathe herself.

Speaker 1: 5:42

No.

Speaker 2: 5:43

And you know like we have to do those things and it can do so much of us.

Speaker 1: 5:49

Well, and I think you hit the nail on the head right Like and it's just, I don't think we're ever fully Okay.

Speaker 1: 5:54

I want to say this we're never fully prepared to be a mom until you're a mom Like you know, you can try, you can listen to everything, but when it hits you and you hit the nail on the head that this little thing is so dependent on you, right, and even I struggled, knowing he was warm, fed, changed, perfect, little bundle of joy, swaddled up letting someone else watch him. So mom does something else for herself. So for me it started super early on, right. And then I think, too, it's generational that we've heard, you know what is this picture of a perfect mom or a good mom? Right, she sacrifices, she puts her kids first. Or, you know, I put X on the back burner for you, you know, to raise you.

Speaker 1: 6:42

You can see in generations now where their marriages are falling apart, right, because they never prioritized their marriage, it was always the kids. Or you see the midlife crisis where the kids grow and you know it's like they're trying to regain what they lost. So the generation expectations of good women put other people first. That thing like that starts early. That starts early.

Speaker 2: 7:12

Absolutely. It does Absolutely Well, and in the South too, which I've only lived in the South. So let me just say that, let me preface that I've only lived in the South, so I don't have a great frame of reference. I think it is so conditioned into us that we have to be submissive, impressive to others and then that we're not allowed to speak up for ourselves, that we're not allowed to verbalize or vocalize our needs, our wants. You're being selfish, you're being outrageous, you know just all this different stuff and it's just wild. It's wild. We wanted to put ourselves last. We kind of get this is probably a strong word, so I don't know that it's the greatest word, so forgive that, listeners. We almost get indoctrinated into thinking that we're not allowed to speak our needs.

Speaker 1: 8:13

We're praised when we don't right Rose.

Speaker 2: 8:17

And that is very toxic. It's very toxic. We are allowed to verbalize our needs, and so you know that being said again. Like my husband had surgery, but I mean that's a medical need, right? Like you're down for the count, you've got anesthesia, you're in pain, you can't eat real food for several days, like I understand, okay, I am going to have to go in the back burner because that's just the cards I'm dealt this week, yeah. So when we know that it's a temporary thing, like that, I know, okay, you know, in a week and a half I'm going to say, hey, I need to go to Target by myself, or I need to go for a run, or I need to just do something and get a breather.

Speaker 3: 9:04

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:05

You know, maybe you know listeners, judge if you will, it's fine. I had judged myself plenty, so no worries there. But you know, it was on the weekend and I was just kind of truly maxed out, Like I was just physically, mentally spent, had done, you know, all the things for our kids from like Wednesday through Sunday, including getting both kids dressed and ready and taking my oldest to her first basketball game. My brain was just kind of done. See, you know what Whitney did? Whitney charged up the tablets and I told my kids I'm like I need you to hang out and watch Disney in your room for 20 minutes while I get a breather.

Speaker 1: 9:44

I mean you're not seeing wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 2: 9:49

Because that's the only way I could actually put myself first a little bit yeah, Just saying I need a break. I need a little bit of time where somebody doesn't need something from me.

Speaker 1: 10:01

Well, and you know what. Here's the reality too. And if you see a dad golfing, hunting, going to a sporting event, guarantee you knowing he's asking them who's watching their kids. But if we go right, so say, girls, weekend, you're at Target by yourself, you're your run, I'm doing my workout, what do people say, well, who's got the kids? And then if you say, well, they're dad, but like, why is that? I mean, that still shocks me. Sometimes I'm just like, you know, sometimes I not so kind responses oh, they're watching themselves, you know, and they just look at me and I'm like, really Do you think?

Speaker 1: 10:44

like, do you think I'm letting?

Speaker 3: 10:46

these two.

Speaker 1: 10:47

You got sassy? I don't believe it. Do I get sassy? Yes, because I sometimes it's like well, I know they mean well, but it's like. It's that back of like why?

Speaker 2: 10:58

Why are we not allowed to prioritize ourselves?

Speaker 1: 11:01

Why are you judging that? And then, yeah, then I do the same thing, I judge myself and I'm like, should, I feel bad that I took this time? You know? No, you shouldn't. And I think too, it's like this culture as well that, like rest, is looked at as lazy.

Speaker 1: 11:18

Right the rest is productive Right, and I think moms in our head right, it's like we probably childhood on our worth and our productivity may have been tied together right. So it's like, oh, your house is clean, you've done this laundry, you've picked up the groceries, you're working, you got the kids, all these things right. So I'm valued, I'm worth right, and I think, especially when I was a stay at home mom, I really struggled with that was I had to prove like what I was doing constantly, you know, right. So I think that comes into it to play. People don't talk about that.

Speaker 1: 11:55

And lack of support you know, we, this village, is that they've all said we need and is out there. It's not reality for a lot of us, I'd say most of us. And even if you do live close to family. I think there's sometimes a shift in family of like I raised my kids, you got you, you know, I did it, instead of being like, no, if mom's healthy, if she has this time, if she's bettering herself or her working on her marriage, then the kids are gonna be better and life's better.

Speaker 2: 12:29

Well, and I think too, when you know we are getting older, so are our parents or distant family, if that is who your help is. They tend to have more medical things going on, so they've got more appointments or obligations, procedures maybe things of that nature, so they're not as able to just be like, sure, let me, I can come on down and give me an hour and I'll be there, kind of thing. So even the difference with my kids being three and a half years apart and then like COVID, kind of impacted that some. My mom used to come down every other week on a Thursday, pick my oldest up from daycare, spend that afternoon with her, and so that was super helpful for me because, you know, if I needed to stay late at the hospital and get something done, I knew that I could.

Speaker 2: 13:16

That safety net was there. Or my husband said you know what, why don't we just do like a quick Chick-fil-A date or something like that? We knew we had that safety net built in Within. You know, 2020 came along, I was pregnant with my youngest and then, bam, you know, march, april hit, and that's when COVID was such a big to do, so that pushed people away. Well, and then you know a lot of people that listen probably already know this about my life. You know my grandfather's health started to decline. My mom lived 10 minutes from him.

Speaker 3: 13:47

So naturally she's a caretaker.

Speaker 2: 13:50

So I absorbed and I don't say this to be like me or anything like that, but I absorbed any of the hits of my kids getting sick, I was the one to have to call out and things like that, because that's just how life was.

Speaker 1: 14:03

That's reality, I mean if a kid's sick in my house.

Speaker 1: 14:06

Who I call? I mean I stop, preview Alliance stops there as personal life stops. I know majority of my friends majority it is them and even like, who does the school call? They call mom, like it's just right, like and I don't know. You know the slack of support too. When I say that it's not, I mean you have single moms, which I mean hats off, 100% right, let me tell you I have so much respect for them, my gracious, it wears you to. I mean it's a lot to carry. That like it's on you, like it's on you. And you know we have our military moms or their spouses are deployed. Or you know when Bill, when we were in our previous location, his hours, I mean there was days that it was me myself and I and so taking that break to me also felt hard because, well, if I take time to rest or recover, that laundry is still there.

Speaker 3: 15:09

I don't have a laundry ferry.

Speaker 1: 15:11

No, those groceries are not.

Speaker 3: 15:13

You can find one. You let me know.

Speaker 1: 15:16

I'll send it to you an ever listener as a promo for whatever company has this and say here you go, here's our laundry.

Speaker 2: 15:23

but If the laundry ferry is listening. Just know we will. I mean job security over here.

Speaker 3: 15:29

We would love that.

Speaker 1: 15:31

But I think it's just. There is a lot of factors that come into play. So when moms, we hear this thing right, we'll just take a break, we'll just take time for yourself. It's simply not that easy For a lot of us. It means you're delaying a task that will have to be done. If you don't have help to delegate that to and you don't have outside help, right, you have to sometimes pay for childcare. Oh yeah, we do, you know I do. If we do date nights. It's a babysitter which I have learned to. You know, I cried when I left, we moved and I lost some of our babysits. I mean, I cried. They probably these wonderful college age girls were probably like is this woman off her mind? Yes, I am, because I'm losing them but they allowed.

Speaker 1: 16:16

You're a beautiful village Right, and it was something I was trying to explain to them and I said I prayed one day when you were a mom, you had a? U for you to like, be able to feel comfortable to. I could do work stuff, but I could also take time for myself and know my child was loved and cared for, safe, and they would clean up after themselves and my house would look better than when I left it. And it was just. I think they needed to see that too in a generational way. So hopefully they get what being a mom's like right, so they're not so shell shocked With that.

Speaker 1: 16:50

I think it's hard for us to have role models in this situation that goes hey, whitney's doing this, look how awesome Whitney prioritizes herself. Right, I want to be like Whitney. You know like you need a cheerleader to cheer you on, to prioritize yourself, but you also need that person to kind of pay that way, and that's not really there right now because we're all kind of the same season of life, of like when you figure it out, you let me know, Right, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 17:22

Well, and I think there's generational gaps to with that, because at least in this economy, more often than not it is a two income family just to make ends meet, whereas when you were growing up in the 90s and even in the early 2000s, you didn't necessarily have to have two full time working parents. You can have, you know, the dad that did work outside of the home. Mom may have stayed at home or mom may have done a part time gig, and so you know, she may maybe have the ability to have more flexibility of oh it's my off day from work, the kids are at school, I can kind of get the house together. I can do things for myself, yeah, stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 18:09

Totally and you know, think, solve this real. And it was like do you feel I don't feel guilty running, I'm taking time for myself? I feel guilty when I snap at my kids more, have less patience for my husband and I was like that's the reframe a Whitney word I love is there is consequences when we don't put our mask on first. It's like on the airplane where we could pass out ourselves and our kids not be able to help us right. In this situation, our kids can't help us fill our own cups, fill our own needs, Right. So how that looks like to me. When I don't do that and I can say this very well because I live this well come a lot more than that is burnout. I feel resentment, irritability. My patients is zero, I mean.

Speaker 2: 19:03

I'm not going to lie to anybody. You know, this past Sunday, when I got to that point where I'm like, okay, I need, I need 20 minutes without somebody needing me, I remember telling my kids and, like y'all, I'm starting to feel frustrated. I know that my patients is thin. Please, unless you absolutely have to have something, don't ask for anything for a couple of minutes while I get your tablets ready, because I need a breather.

Speaker 1: 19:26

I mean it's harder self regulate. We talk about sensory. I mean I will feel like, even like my hair being down will bother me, like that little, like extra thing, or like hair on my legs if I haven't shaved TMI for everybody. But it's like I'll be like, oh, I don't like, it just would bother me. But I'm like, because my whole has not chilled out, like I'm living at this level of burnout. Right and honestly, we can't be there for our kids, our job, our spouse, our family If we don't start with us.

Speaker 2: 20:04

Absolutely so. I can remember one of my really good friends when I was pregnant with my oldest, and it was actually rooted in something different. But what she said, I think, can be used in many different areas. She said if the mother ship goes down, everybody goes down with her. Yeah, and so it's not selfish for us to have self care, to prioritize ourselves. Are there times, like I said me last week, when my husband had surgery and then my youngest got strep immediately after, where I'm like, well, I'm on the back burner, like that 's, that's how it is right now. Yeah, there are times where you kind of have to accept Okay, life is life and it's just dulling out the punches here. But you say, okay, there's going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and I know that in maybe a week or two weeks I'm going to be able to say I need to go do something for me.

Speaker 1: 21:08

Yeah, what else do you tell your clients that really struggle with this, that every single day that you say struggle with it?

Speaker 2: 21:17

You know, it makes me wonder, you know, do they have any village or childcare at all?

Speaker 3: 21:24

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:26

If you do, let's just say that your child is going to a preschool or a daycare that is open five days a week. You're already paying that full tuition, like our daycare doesn't do a partial tuition.

Speaker 1: 21:38

Yeah, ours didn't either. It was all or nothing. You use it, you use it.

Speaker 2: 21:42

Exactly so. What I would say to that mom is you know you may be in the routine of Monday, wednesday, friday or two or three days out of the week, but you're already paying that full-time tuition. Go ahead and send your kid an extra day.

Speaker 1: 21:55

Yeah, you don't have to do it every single day.

Speaker 2: 21:58

You don't even have to do it every single week, but you need to do it for you. You're already paying for it. If that's the case for you, utilize it. Yeah, if you do have family that's nearby, ish say, hey, can we get together and figure out a time where you know maybe you can keep the kids overnight on the weekend or something. I'm really exhausted. Yeah, I know enough that. I texted my mom on Monday and said, hey, I think my youngest has strep again. And she said, well, keep me posted on it. And then we went to the doctor long hauled. Of course it was strep, because why wouldn't it be and she immediately texted back do you need me to keep her tomorrow so you can go into work? Love your mom. Yes, not all heroes wear capes and she's one of those Often times.

Speaker 1: 22:50

for mayors too.

Speaker 2: 22:52

Yes and she. We live about an hour and a half apart from each other, so not crazy far, but it's still a distance.

Speaker 3: 22:59

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 22:59

Where you know, monday morning at 6 30, I couldn't say hey, can you be here in an hour so I can go to work by 8?

Speaker 1: 23:05

Yeah, she ain't down the street, yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:07

Right. So you know, it's one of those. I knew immediately. Oh, my husband just took a week off of work for wisdom teeth surgery. You don't have another day.

Speaker 1: 23:15

No, it was one of those. It happens and I mean that's hot felt with the loss and the GI bug. It's like well, and you know, to any employers or bosses listening to this, I think you need to hear this message too. Is that when the moms call out and you're just like, well, how does this stuff keep happening to her? We are not making this up, we do not want our we do not want our children sick. We do not want to be navigating these losses.

Speaker 3: 23:41

You know and it's.

Speaker 1: 23:42

Sometimes it does feel like I can't make this up, what is happening, and that's hard, yeah. So please just realize in this stage she is giving her best to you as an employee, and grace, and it is not her choosing this and I think that's something people think.

Speaker 2: 24:04

Absolutely not, because it's one of those. I had texted my boss and I said hey, if I she woke up with a 101.1 fever, she can't go to daycare. We're going to go to urgent care. I'm going to go ahead and reschedule everybody before lunchtime because my last two people today were virtual and I was thinking, okay, like I might could swing doing those, come after, yeah. And you know, when I got on virtual I said, hey, I'm at home with a sick kid. You can choose to reschedule, that's perfectly fine, I will give you that freedom to do that. Or just know, my three year old's quite going to walk in here at some point. Want to be held.

Speaker 1: 24:39

And you know that's the thing is why I tried to have I did not have that perspective or give grace to you, to workers, or truly understand the weight that moms were carrying when they're at a job or they're caring for another person, like we're stay the, what we bring into. That is hard. So when she does have that few minutes of break or she has that girls weekend that probably took a year and a half to plan because everybody's kid gets sick, or to arrange childcare, like don't shame her, don't add to her, like let her go, like handle it like you already have some mom guilt anyway.

Speaker 2: 25:24

Don't add to it, don't tell her no, and this is something I'm having to work on myself. Part of it is the work ethic that I have, part of it is people pleasing being real. Part of it is new. I booked two and a half to three weeks out. I hate pushing people out that far, especially if they've already been waiting to get in. So it's one of those already feel guilty. If I have to call people, especially spur of the moment, say I'm really sorry, but my kid is sick, I can't send them to schools today. I'm going to have to call out. I'm like, please, as best you can like, understand, we're not doing it because we want to.

Speaker 2: 26:01

Yeah, I could have planned that day to be off instead. It would have been totally different. I would have been like well, balls are today anyway. Yeah, it is. But as far as me, I know that I struggle with that people pleasing. I already internalize and feel that guilt as it is, you know, and what I've had to learn to say is you know what life happens to everybody. Nobody is immune from life. Nobody has this bubble around them that keeps their kids from getting sick or keeps death from happening to their family, or the car doesn't start that morning, or whatever the case may be, nobody is immune or bubbled from life. Life is going to happen to everybody. Yeah, but we would give that same grace and allowance to somebody else, we should give that to ourselves.

Speaker 1: 26:51

Which is hard, I mean, and I think stuff that has helped me and we talked about this is journaling our feelings. Whitney has taught me a lot about voice journaling and I think that's a huge thing for these moms who are like feeling overwhelmed. They want to start prioritizing themselves First. Get it out Like I think it's helpful. Just to say this is how I'm feeling, like I can't catch a break, like I feel guilty if I want to get my nails done. I feel guilty if I want to have dinner after work, not rush home to the kids. Find that role model. I'm that one friend or challenge. Hey, whitney, I want you to tell me next time you do something for you and send it to me and I want to cheer you on. I think that's huge.

Speaker 1: 27:31

Like what he said scheduling the me time. Take advantage of paid childcare or pay for that childcare, and don't just put it. Put a date. I am having a date with my husband. I am having a date with my best friend. I'm going to take this time and block it like you would.

Speaker 2: 27:46

A meeting, just like this, is value and that the only way it doesn't happen is those emergencies like a sickness, death, like Protect it the same way you would your work schedule.

Speaker 1: 27:59

Which is boundaries, you know and remember. People don't have to like anything you do, like that really doesn't matter, Like what you do for you and your family is no one else's business. So that boundary, this is my time. This is because I, according to me, I also, according to my family, set that hard boundary. Communicate openly how you feel, honestly, if that's with yourself or with your friends, family, like I love, how you said to your girls I need this time. This is how I'm feeling. So guess what, when they feel that way, they're learning early. Hey, ma takes care of herself.

Speaker 1: 28:33

So we're stopping that generational burnout, resentment, guilt, role dysmorphia here that we've got going on. And you know I too, like you know, I love one thing about our church is they have a really great Sunday school for the kids, and so I get to have my time. My kids love going to Sunday school class, but go a few minutes early to stuff like that. Have yourself hot coffee, sit in the lobby, sit, take a minute, you know. You don't have to rush to their classroom when service is over. Speak to someone you know there, take a minute and pause. Nothing wrong with that. You can find piecemeal little little times during the day. And this is us challenging you guys that put your mask on first, whitney. I'm challenging you on the next airplane to think about this and to just know that you're you're bettering, you're honestly bettering yourself and your family. It's hard, you have to be intentional, and nothing happens by accident. It only happens by intention.

Speaker 2: 29:39

Well, and one thing I saw on Instagram. You know, especially if you go to a gym, let's just say that you are a state home mom, you don't have pre-K, you don't have Mother's Day out, you don't have a daycare, but let's just say you do have a gym membership, because some gyms can be as inexpensive as $30 a month. So way better than daycare.

Speaker 3: 29:59

Yeah, yes, yes.

Speaker 2: 30:01

I mean way better than daycare.

Speaker 1: 30:03

Daycare is the second mortgage at times.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Oh, it's more than our. Yeah, we just got the receipt for the year and when I tell you, the palpitations kicked in. When you see it all together, it's awful. But this lady was very strategic, like she scoped out her gyms. Let me just say that, like she did her research, she toured, she did all the things. She found a gym that offers free childcare and you know what? She'll go there once a week and instead of working out while her kid is in that childcare, she goes next door to the cafe.

Speaker 1: 30:34

Yeah, I mean, I have a friend who lives in the school or uses the pool there. I mean, and here's the reality, and this is a harsh reality, but if you don't do it for yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you when it comes to this because they're gonna want to take, take, take.

Speaker 1: 30:49

And it's not that they want you to fall into this burnout or a simple mess, necessarily. It's that this is society's way that we take, take, take, and if you will give, someone will take. So we're challenging you to put your oxygen mask on first.

Speaker 1: 31:03

But I think this is a great episode for you guys just to take to heart and challenge yourself, make it a group thing, make it a friend thing and just know you matter, like this is us saying you matter, you deserve this, and maybe the airlines are right in the first place, maybe so. Okay, guys, thanks for being with us. We will be back next week, but have a great week, all right. Bye y'all.

Speaker 3: 31:32

Returnal. Mental health is as important as physical health. The previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-partum depression in all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.