Speaker 1: 0:10

hey guys, welcome back to preview alliance podcast. This is sarah, and I am with whitney again, hey friends. And so, whitney, we have got asked this before. I'm sure you've been asked this if we were pregnant again, what would we do differently?

Speaker 2: 0:26

It's a good question. I'm actually that rare person that enjoyed pregnancy. Aside from the first trimester nausea, food aversions Other than that, I actually enjoyed pregnancy. So, as much as my body would tolerate it, I would try to incorporate exercise, because I was able to sustain that longer in my second pregnancy versus my first, and I think that that just really did a lot for me overall. But that was also COVID times, so getting outside and walking was one of the few things that we could do in 2020. And so I think it was just a good stress release, very grounding for me. So incorporating whatever type of exercise that you want to do while your body allows you to do it is a good stress release, very grounding for me. So incorporating whatever type of exercise that you want to do while your body allows you to do it is a good thing.

Speaker 1: 1:09

Yeah. Would there have been anything you wouldn't have thought that you did or stressed out about something that you did?

Speaker 2: 1:20

I think I would. And it was so hard because I felt like such a hypocrite, because I worked in the hospital and I could say this to people, but it was so hard to accept it for myself is that it really is okay to take a Tylenol during your pregnancy? Because one day I had this horrible migraine of a headache and I tried everything under the sun to get rid of it, like drinking a little bit of caffeine, eating a little bit to make sure my blood sugar was up, like doing all these different things and none of it worked. And you know, I worked in labor and delivery at that time and they were like Whitney, just take a Tylenol, You're allowed to have a Tylenol.

Speaker 2: 1:54

And I was so terrified it was going to harm my baby. And they were like no one, Tylenol is not going to hurt her. And of course I took a Tylenol. It relieved my headache, All was right with the world. But I wish, instead of feeling so guilty or stressed over that, I would have just known it really is okay to take a Tylenol. Yeah, Like you're allowed to do that and it is safe. It has been proven safe.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Yeah, that's interesting. I was thinking, if I do not have a uterus anymore Baby Jay took that, you know, through his, his delivery, I ended up having a hysterectomy. So no more babies for us, which we were okay with. I do think we talked about this on different episodes, but I think there was a part with something with anything if it, even if you want to be done when you don't have the choice of like, right, it's a grief, you know. But I think about the, if I say back, if I was for some reason that happened, to get pregnant again, I would have really. I think I just was like so wishful to feel better Cause I was really sick, right that I wasn't like in the moment with it, I was just you know like, and that's so hard to say and like who knows you know if that would have even been possible, but I would have.

Speaker 1: 3:17

I had a lot of anxiety and a lot of because I've had miscarriages of loss. So I wish I would have been like acknowledging that and had been working through that, because it was not fun to always think I was like I always thought the worst was going to happen and I was like fixated on that or I went into complete denial of it and didn't even really want to talk about my pregnancy. It was like a flip back and forth. So I think I would have really just been like, hey, during pregnancy, mental health is super hard too, and I wish I would have been open about it instead of thinking, well, it's going to get better, it's going to get better. So that's something I would have done differently, I agree. I definitely would have like walked more like as much in.

Speaker 1: 4:05

The people hear that and they're like I'm miserable and I get that. But like it always made me feel better and physically and mentally, and I was obsessive about like researching things too. Right, google is not your friend, no, so I wish I would have leaned more into asking other people who you know were a lot ahead of me, and be like, hey, what was helpful? What did you actually use? Because I didn't realize at the time and we've talked about this before but, like when you're pregnant and postpartum, like marketing and companies like they prey on you and like they want to say this is the best.

Speaker 1: 4:42

This is that you know, when you feel like this, I have to pick the right best and that, like you know, it's going to determine my worth as a mom. So I think I would have tried to tune out that noise a little bit and trusted my gut and my baby was going to be okay, no matter what brand of something I bought.

Speaker 2: 4:59

Right, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 5:05

I think that would have been huge If I had to do it again. I would have started looking for child care like the first month of pregnancy, because now, knowing what I know about child care, it is something that, like people put their names on wait lists for child care before they're even pregnant.

Speaker 2: 5:16

Yeah, it's wild. So I was pregnant with my first when we got her into her daycare and then, once I was through the first trimester, with my second, just because you know I had that ectopic scare. That's when I put her on the list for the daycare that my oldest already went to.

Speaker 1: 5:37

Okay, so I mean I would immediately that I would have asked instead of. You know I wouldn't have asked for that many clothing. I think even that, because the babies grow so fast and like even when you're looking at diapers, I would have like went back and be like I want multiple ranges. I'd like the newborns go so quickly.

Speaker 2: 6:01

He just made one bag of newborn and then they're going to go to size one or whatever. He just made one bag of newborn.

Speaker 1: 6:04

You just need one pack of it and then they're going to go to size one or whatever. And then you know my boy, like Will, was a preemie. So like we had nothing that fit him and just being aware, especially if you do see the NICU or early delivery of like it's kind of hard to find preemie clothes and diapers. So I had no clue about that and I would have started, which our preemie moms are very blessed to have Jenny create so much content for them. But you know, I wanted to breastfeed with Will for sure. I wish I would have learned how to breastfeed during pregnancy, not something that I thought I could just learn after C-section and us both slowly, you know, losing our minds. So I wish I would have started early.

Speaker 2: 6:52

Yes.

Speaker 1: 6:54

I thankfully had no choice but to deliver where I delivered, which was an academic university that had a top of the art NICU. But I now know from talking to a lot of women and I'm sure you know this, Whitney that where you deliver is very important to recognize if there is a NICU, so an ICU for the baby and what level. And I've had their stories. I've had a friend that, like when you don't know what's actually gonna happen at at delivery sometimes, and when the baby needed intensive care was separated from her and because they can take care of mom but they couldn't take care of baby, so baby was transferred to a different hospital, Right? So I always tell people be aware of where you deliver. If you have options and choices, can they take care of you and baby? Because I both incidences with Will and James was able to be rolled into the NICU to spend time with them or Will down. I was in the same place.

Speaker 2: 7:55

Right, yes, so research on hospitals is huge, and it could be one that you're committed to a hospital and not an OB, or you're committed to an OB, but the OB is committed to the hospital.

Speaker 1: 8:08

So you may have the rights.

Speaker 2: 8:10

You have to figure out what is more important to you your relationship that you have with your OB, or what that hospital provides and all of it depends on. Are you already high risk? Do you know that you're high risk going into it?

Speaker 1: 8:23

Yeah, which I was both times, and I tell people I said, do you know that you're high risk going into it? Yeah, which I was both times. And I tell people I said you know now, after my experience? Right, I just always say you know, I advise. If someone says, well, what would you advise me to do, I say I would advise to pick the hospital that can properly take care of you and baby, not to separate and that is you know. Even if you have a picture perfect pregnancy you would rather have than have not in that case. And then also things that I you know just tips and tricks along the way is, if you do want to breastfeed, calling your insurance. They will often provide a free breast pump. Go ahead and get that going before delivery. Knowing you know if you're working, knowing ahead of time what your maternity leave policy is, what your benefits are, go ahead and working with HR. If you do have a complication, you need FMLA, you need certain like working accommodations. Go ahead. And like learning, there's a lot of good resources on Instagram like the mom attorneys one. There's a lot of good resources on Instagram like the mama attorneys one. There's a lot of like birth lawyer education stuff you can learn about of what rights you have as a pregnant working woman that his employers will sometimes not know that you know the rules, right.

Speaker 1: 9:39

I would do that. I would ask for I always say this I'm like I would ask for DoorDash gift cards. I would ask for a fund for a night nurse. If I could Like, if there was like a doula or a night thing, I would say hey, especially my second one. I would have been like if my friends want to donate 10 bucks, 20 bucks, we pull the money. I use that for that. For sleep to me would have been the best gift, right? It's part of absolutely so stuff like that. I wish I would have known. I would have really had a better mental health plan in the sense of prioritizing sleep. I would have said I have to at minimum get three to four hours of a stretch of sleep at night. I don't know how that looks like, but I need that.

Speaker 1: 10:26

I would have had like a meal training set up. I would have like freezer meals. I would have started. I had a friend. She was like you know, I cook double and I freeze one Right Spaghetti, casseroles, chicken and rice. Like you know. She was like if we had a little extra, make me a meal or make a kid's meal. Label it, freeze it Stuff like that of what. When you do feel like it, do it. I truly started to learn about maternal mental health early, knowing the signs and symptoms and being like super open with my friends and family early and saying your provider and my provider.

Speaker 1: 11:01

Hey, this is important to me, these are my risk factors Knowing the signs and symptoms, knowing what postpartum psychosis is, my family knowing what it is and us just being really comfortable with it. We were not comfortable with it, we weren't aware, and so when I was experiencing it and probably same with you, it just took longer than it should to get treatment.

Speaker 2: 11:22

Right.

Speaker 1: 11:23

I now you know people say it, I think it's annoying when they say it, but I'm going to say it Seasons of life, knowing that that newborn stage was going to be so hard and like your groundhog day every day and you just want sleep and your body's healing, but knowing like you will get to the other side of that and really you kind of got to go through it to know it because you don't believe it in the beginning. You're just like my baby's never going to sleep.

Speaker 2: 11:53

Well, because it never feels like you are going to sleep. Yeah right.

Speaker 1: 11:57

So just those things. You know we white noise saves. I'm a huge fan of white noise and I'm a huge fan of you know, sleep training is controversial, right? People feel a certain way about it and don't, but I would say sleep is a vital point for your mental health and your baby's growth. There is so much free education out there that you can learn about ways of sleep, schedules and naps and like Wake windows all of the things.

Speaker 1: 12:32

All the things and you know you can go back and listen to our podcast with Yanadi Patel. That's the Rest of Sleep and we talk and you go into things knowing what a wake window is Like. I didn't know that. I was like, oh my gosh, a baby is only like awake for 60 minutes, then needs a nap. So if you're trying to keep that baby up longer than their wake window they cannot want to go to sleep the world will fall apart, the world will crash and burn, and that's literally how it feels.

Speaker 1: 13:00

And I remember people being like Sarah you're so rigid about their sleep schedules and I'm like the reason why I was so rigid is because I was so desperate for sleep, I was so desperate for like peace and just like a moment to myself and, yeah, I was not going to let anybody screw that up and I'm sorry we said no to a lot of things because it was nap time or bedtime and it was for protection of my own, like mental health and sanity.

Speaker 2: 13:34

Absolutely yes, as it should be.

Speaker 1: 13:37

I wish I would have like not cared so much what people said. Right, they got to tune a lot of it out.

Speaker 2: 13:43

I was about to say. That's a boundary thing. Coming from a people pleaser, you kind of have to not care what others are going to think about it. And with that can come those boundaries of what do you want hospital visitation to look like for you? What do you want postpartum visitation to look like for you? What do you feel down in your core is good for you and your family? Yeah, you know, if I had to do it again COVID absent, because COVID was the bad guy for me with my second one, which did not hurt my feelings, it was not a bad thing, it was not.

Speaker 2: 14:17

I actually was very thankful for that. But I do remember after my first was born and again. But I do remember after my first was born, and again not a traumatic delivery, nothing bad happened. But I started laboring with her at two thirty in the morning. She was born at eleven forty one.

Speaker 2: 14:33

We did not stop having visitors until eight thirty that night. So from about two in the afternoon until eight thirty at night we had visitors, and then you got to think I had been up since 2 am and visitors didn't leave till 830. And we're doing every three hour feeds, like I was exhausted. So I wish I had known with my first pregnancy no visitors day of delivery. I wish I had thought of that. I really wish I had thought of that. I really wish I had thought of that and I didn't. And I remember telling my husband at the hospital then I said if we ever do this again, I do not want visitor's day of delivery. Yeah, I don't. And then you know, covid happened. So COVID was the bad guy, which was fine by me. That didn't hurt my feelings. It was actually quite nice just to have that time with her, just to bond and just to be chill and not feel like I had to entertain and be up and about and all the things.

Speaker 1: 15:32

We would suggest that you guys have these conversations with get on the same page with your partner and then get on the same page. You know they can get on their same page with their side and you get on your side and just set those boundaries because you need to have that conversation. Begin a third trimester, start having it, if not earlier, and tell these people hey, this is what we have decided, because do not assume that they, like people, assume the most crazy things they do. It's wild. So don't give them room for assumptions. Just set that hey, I'm so excited for you to meet her, but we're not doing visitors in the hospital and like I need a week home to get settled. I will reach out to you and we'll get a date in time. Blah, blah, blah. Or like the last thing you want, which has happened to a lot of people, is you know you've got one boob out, you're still bleeding, you're crying and here comes in someone and you're just like really.

Speaker 2: 16:34

Really, and then you get painted as the bad guy when this is like the most vulnerable bonding time and you just went through birth like hello, you're exhausted and well and the fun massages that we have to have things like that, like I do not need my family in there when the nurse is checking my bleeding and pushing on my stomach no, and that hurts, I heard I did not enjoy those at all.

Speaker 1: 17:00

And then I just even remember, like the hospital gown, like, and my dad my dad is the, you know my dad was there and my mom was there and I was glad, but it was even like getting up in the hospital gown in front of my dad, I was just like, oh, you know, like cause you know you've got these like granny panties on and this big old pad, and I needed help getting up to the bathrooms postpartum, especially with C-section, and I was just like this is like I don't know it tried to breastfeed. I was super, just like. Now, you know, the second time around I was just like I don't care, you know, but the first time I was super, just like, insecure about it. And the door is a revolving door. In the hospital Preview, Mom Jenny has a really great video called the worst hotel experience ever, talking about hospital stay.

Speaker 1: 17:50

You guys should check that out. But you're getting constant interruptions anyways and you just like I don't want to see somebody else, no, so have those hard conversations. I think I never had an option really of like how do I want my birth plan to go? So I was always just known it had to be C-sections both times. But if you go into it and you have options, just be very clear and I would say be flexible and have like don't get set on. It has to be this way.

Speaker 1: 18:23

In your head go ahead and say okay, if this is option A, we're going to do everything we can, but if option B happens, these are still things that are important to me.

Speaker 2: 18:34

Right, yes, have your backup plans in place.

Speaker 1: 18:37

I'm sure you hear clients who are really grieving the loss of a birth experience that they wanted.

Speaker 2: 18:43

Oh, that happens frequently and not getting the golden hour with their baby. Yeah, that's a big one.

Speaker 1: 18:51

I didn't get that with either of my boys and it really does, and people talk about that and it's not like if you're pregnant now you're like, oh great, you know that could happen. But I think just being aware of if it does become medically urgent and things need to happen, I think just knowing kind of like hey, no one told me before the hand like you're not going to see Will for X amount of time because we got to get him situated and you situated. So I had no expectations Right, except for my own, which were wrong.

Speaker 2: 19:25

Got to throw that part in.

Speaker 1: 19:27

Yeah, I mean, I had my own, because we all do right, we all go into it and we have in our head what we think is going to happen and should happen Right. Go into it and we have in our head what we think is going to happen and should happen right. And when it doesn't and you don't even know, if it doesn't happen, which ways it could go then I think everybody's just left in the dark right, yep, and it's a guessing game.

Speaker 2: 19:46

And then those unspoken expectations are missed. So then bitterness and resentment can build up, and it can, just it can go south quickly yeah I would advise.

Speaker 1: 19:59

I mean, people may disagree with me with this, but I think you got to be really careful with social media in the immediate postpartum period yeah, I think you can quickly go down a rabbit hole if everybody has got it together more than you or is a better mom or what you should be doing or looking like real quickly. So I think if you have any kind of background of struggling with a little bit of comparison or doom scrolling or numbing with social media, Right, it's easy.

Speaker 1: 20:32

I would limit that if you're feeling as best as you could in that postpartum period, right? If you realize, hey, it's not being healthy for me, it's not benefiting me, it's not making me feel better, it's actually making me feel worse. You know, it can be used in a situation where you're like oh that you know. She's saying this is hard and she's crying too. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:56

Yeah, If it gives you a sense of community and camaraderie, that is okay. But if it starts to build up that comparison trap that's when we got to get rid of it If it makes you have intrusive thoughts, if it skyrockets your depression or anxiety or OCD, then you know what it's got to go.

Speaker 1: 21:16

Yeah, and you know I recently stopped Instagram, for you know I was aligned with a 21 days of prayer in January and I just recently, you know, started back slowly and I mean honest, I actually really loved not being on it on social media.

Speaker 2: 21:35

Right, it was nice. It's a good break.

Speaker 1: 21:38

So I think when you're really under sleep deprivation, I would understand sleep deprivation. That is something I would say during pregnancy, which you're going to learn about that in the third trimester, unfortunately, because no one sleeps well at the end of the pregnancy. But I would understand how sleep deprivation makes depression worse, makes you have rage, how it may feel hard to concentrate. You can just feel like you can't process. I would really stress like understand what lack of sleep will do to your body and mind.

Speaker 2: 22:10

Absolutely that. It's a detriment.

Speaker 1: 22:12

And what things look like. I love. Do you remember mommy labor nurse? She told us that she sets a reminder to check in on her postpartum friends.

Speaker 1: 22:25

I think she said four months, was she three or four months? But I think if you're listening to this you're like, oh, my best friend's pregnant, or so. So you know, my sister, my daughter, set that timer to alert, you know. Or my sister, my daughter, set that timer Right To alert to say, check in. And I would say how you could, what I would for my pregnant friends. Now it's just how to have a conversation with them about how they really are.

Speaker 2: 22:48

Right, well, and let's throw in our friends that experience miscarriages and child loss as well. Yep, throw in our friends that experience miscarriages and child loss as well. Yep, because once the service is over if there's a service, because with miscarriage that doesn't happen often, you know once kind of the dust settles, so to speak, people go on about their lives and that mom feels very forgotten and lonely. So having that check-in, I would say even a month after loss, is a big deal.

Speaker 1: 23:17

Oh, a hundred percent, and say, thinking of you, I'm here for you, you don't have to fix their loss. I think that's a big misconception, is like I have to say the right thing to fix it or make them not feel a certain way, or I don't want to bring up the elephant in the room. Well, they're already thinking about the elephant in the room. It's just someone just recognizing that life and like your grief right and that that's all it takes, and it's a journey.

Speaker 1: 23:42

Pregnancy's a journey, and even to the point of like I bought a lot of things I really didn't need, and there's good, there was bad, there was, you know. I'll tell myself this I peed on myself and I thought my water broke.

Speaker 2: 23:59

Yep, it happens.

Speaker 3: 24:01

I was mortified.

Speaker 1: 24:02

Whitney, mortified, went to the pregnancy ER and I was like in, the new resident I'll never forget, god love his soul. Came in. He said, okay, I'm going to evaluate, never forget. He, god love his soul. Came in. He said, okay, I'm gonna evaluate. And like they swab, you know, to test if, like, there's like amni fluid or what or what. And he came back and he and he did an exam, and that was not a comfortable exam, by the way, and he was like ma'am, I hate to tell you this, but that was just urine. And I was just like, oh, so you're just telling me? I just peed on myself and I came in here thinking my water broke.

Speaker 1: 24:35

He said, said, oh, you're not, you're not the only one, it happens frequently. And I was like it does all the time, thank you for that. And packed my little self up and waddled out of there and I was like, love this for me. I love this for me. Because I had called my parents like get in the car, like love this for me. Because I had called my parents like get in the car. Like six, we had asked our dear friends to come over to watch Will. I had paged Bill, he was in surgery. He wasn't answering. I had one of his residents come get him and say Sarah said labor and I went back and told everybody Sarah just beat on herself.

Speaker 2: 25:16

Oh baby, james, been giving you a run for your money for a minute.

Speaker 1: 25:18

He's humbled me from the start, but he still does. But, guys, this I think key takeaways will be to please learn and educate about your mental health early first trimester. Go back. We have two specific episodes what is depression during pregnancy? What does anxiety during pregnancy look like? Those are fabulous and we have a whole series. What is postpartum depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd and psychosis? So simply listening and sharing that is a great. You're going to do more than the majority of people do.

Speaker 2: 25:51

Absolutely Figure out your boundaries for the hospital people do Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 25:56

Figure out your boundaries for the hospital. Uh-huh, tune out the noise. Yes, yep, tune out the noise. Realize that the marketing, the consumer market that is, baby products, is coming at you. So I always say tried and true is always if you can get another mom to say what really worked, what didn't work. Take things for a grain of salt. What brand you buy is not going to determine if your baby walks by 10 months or reading by two. You know, don't buy it. The thing we have learned as well is sleep. Please prioritize your sleep. Please set yourself up for success in postpartum. Start having those conversations. How can I have food? How can I have sleep? How can I get childcare early? Please look at something I've learned recently is there is different hospitals, that viability?

Speaker 1: 26:48

of the baby, of where they will try to save the baby in the sense of medical interventions, as if they will intubate, if they'll do CPR, and you may be like I don't even want to think about that.

Speaker 2: 27:28

Well, it's not a place. Let's just figure out who can meet that need if it arises.

Speaker 1: 27:33

Let's just figure out who can meet that need if it arises. And have that because I have met with families that if they would have delivered at a hospital across the street or across town, things would have been different.

Speaker 1: 27:47

And if I will say, if breastfeeding is important to you, start learning about lactation and how to breastfeed during pregnancy. Do not wait until that baby is there. I say learn about formula, even if you plan to solely breastfeed, because that is something that you don't want to be going to the store at 3am trying to figure it out. Been there, done that and then, finally, I would say for sure, know your risk factors and always have a good therapist to have open conversations with your OB and your family. And you do, you do your pregnancy.

Speaker 2: 28:27

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 28:28

Yes.

Speaker 2: 28:28

You do you.

Speaker 1: 28:30

This is your pregnancy, this is your body. Trust your gut, speak up and we're cheering for you and we'll be with you through pregnancy and postpartum. Absolutely All right, guys. Till next time.

Speaker 3: 28:42

Have a great week, see ya, Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.