Speaker 1 0:01

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. This is Sarah and we are in our holiday season. This season, whitney and I decided to do replay episodes because these are some of our most listened to episodes and so vital to equip and empower you guys through the stressful holiday season. So, no matter where you are at in life, these episodes are made for you, to help guide you, to support you and know you're not alone. So hang in there. We're are made for you to help guide you, to support you and know you're not alone. So hang in there. We're right there with you. Stay tuned. Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. It's Sarah and Whitney. We are so excited, so you guys are in for a big treat.

Speaker 2 0:50

Yes, it's going to be so good guys.

Speaker 1 0:52

We know what's upon us. Yeah, the Mariah Carey's fixing to break out, it's holiday season.

Speaker 2 0:58

It is y'all. Thanksgiving's about two weeks out. We're getting real close to it and you guys know what that means. People are already putting up their Christmas trees. Yes, they are, which means all the festivities. Which also means All the things to do, all the gifts to buy, all the things to organize and manage and somehow put a smile on our face in the midst of all this stress.

Speaker 1 1:21

Us moms, moms-to-be, we got to make the magic, oh yeah. But what I always find and I don't think I realized this until I became a mom oh yeah, boundaries. It's hard, are hard, it's so hard. And you might be listening going like what do you mean, sarah, Boundaries? So I think we should start this episode talking about basically what is a boundary?

Speaker 2 1:46

Sure. So a boundary is something that you put in place to either kind of maintain or save your sanity, your time, your energy, or it can even go to a deeper level of a core belief or value system.

Speaker 1 2:04

Okay, so why would this be needed in the holidays?

Speaker 2 2:08

Well, let's just think about it. So, if you have a child that is in a child care facility so daycare, preschool or they're in elementary school we already have class parties that we're going to be going to Probably some programs. If you attend any type of like a church type setting for your faith belief system, they are probably going to have parties or get togethers. It's constant, yeah, some type of like a celebratory service, um something of that nature, and not just for Christmas. There's Hanukkah in there as well, so we need to be very mindful of that for our Jewish community and our Jewish listeners and followers. So you've got, honestly, multiple holiday seasons co-occurring and there's a lot of demand, so that's just external as far as like a community type thing.

Speaker 1 2:58

And I think it's too. I feel like in the holidays and, like you said, it's all inclusive, right? So, no matter what your religious preference is, even work has like parties, right? So you or your family's like, let's get together All the extended family. You have multiple sides of the family, especially now that you have children involved, Maybe before kids. I think I could have bowed out of some of the family activities.

Speaker 2 3:24

But not so much. But now kids come in and now that we are in a point in COVID where things are getting back to pre-COVID normal like celebrations and get-togethers and things of that nature.

Speaker 1 3:35

There's more expectation and kind of like let's do it this year because we can finally do it.

Speaker 2 3:39

Yes, you know we have so many other mitigating you know resources available to us, which is good. I'm not saying it's not Right Again going back to pre-COVID expectations or standards from our family. So again you've got the community aspect of you know churches, synagogues things of that nature schools work, all of that, but then we throw family in the mix.

Speaker 1 4:02

Oh boy.

Speaker 2 4:03

And, like you mentioned, we have extended family. So, for example, I have my parents Right and I have my mom's side of the family, my dad's side of the family, plus getting together with my parents, so that's three. Yeah, okay, so then my husband's parents are divorced.

Speaker 1 4:18

So then they kind of split.

Speaker 2 4:19

Yes. So then you've also got so his dad and stepmom. We get together with them. But then we've got his mom's side of the family. Well then, his dad's side of the family also does, like the extended cousin, get together. So that's six right out of the gate, not including my family with my husband and girls. So that's. So we have seven family things to do within the month of December, really within three weeks of December, because December 25th is Christmas.

Speaker 1 4:45

And that's what I think. As a kid growing up, I remember going to, like you know, like you just said, my dad's side, my mom's side, then having our special thing, and I was like, oh okay, but now that I'm a mom, I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted by it.

Speaker 2 5:03

It's a lot of organization. It's a lot of organization. It's a lot of planning. It's a lot of again, almost like the invisible load of motherhood.

Speaker 1 5:10

It's like being times a thousand super mom during the holidays and you it all kind of. We talked about default parenting before.

Speaker 2 5:20

Yes.

Speaker 1 5:21

And I feel like default holiday parent. Oh my goodness, it's so hard, so hard. So let's get into some situations, okay. So let's say like okay, let's take your family for example. Yes, um, you, you're tired.

Speaker 2 5:36

You've had some personal stuff going on recently listeners, my life has been a dumpster fire for three weeks straight. Really for about two months, but three weeks straight.

Speaker 1 5:45

Whitney's been through it Like.

Speaker 2 5:47

I just have wanted to crawl under a rock. If I can be an honest therapist and I've had my own therapy appointment, let me throw that out there. I had my own appointment because I needed it, so no shame, no shame listeners.

Speaker 1 6:00

And your running has been fantastic, because you've been running still, and that's what I texted her. I was like, are you still running?

Speaker 2 6:05

And she's like, yes, trying to as best I can you know doing what I can, so let's say your mental space and capacity.

Speaker 1 6:12

right now you're tired.

Speaker 2 6:14

I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.

Speaker 1 6:17

So going to six holiday functions to you, I want to sit down and cry just thinking about it. Right, so if you decide, I'm tapped out or this is not what's best for me and my mental health or my family. And here comes Aunt Brenda.

Speaker 2 6:34

I'm going to need Brenda to stay in her lane as well. I'm going to need her to do.

Speaker 1 6:38

So how do our listeners? Because everybody's going to Aunt Brenda.

Speaker 2 6:41

Yeah.

Speaker 1 6:42

And especially if you have a new, new baby. So even we're speaking to, like these newborn moms who it's exhausting to get out of the house and if you're struggling mentally well and honestly feeding schedules like or you're not comfortable getting out of the house and feeding in public, or if your baby's a reflux baby and you know that feeding process is stressful to you and lengthy and you don't want to be in Aunt Brenda's closet while everybody else is like having that moment.

Establishing Family Holiday Boundaries

Speaker 2 7:13

So how do you say to Aunt Brenda, we're not coming this year, and so that is a very hard, delicate situation, I will say, when my younger daughter was born, she was born in August of 2020. So COVID baby, so you know, by the time the holidays rolled around, she was only about, I mean, just turning four months old, okay, and so this was like pre-COVID vaccine, pre-pax, pre-really any good mitigation measures that we could have had, pre really any good mitigation measures that we could have had. And so I just said I'm not comfortable bringing my newborn around my family that I love because we just don't know. And that was also at the time where COVID could incubate for two weeks. So, and we just didn't know, we just didn't know. It was a very different virus at the time and I had a newborn.

Speaker 1 8:05

We just didn't know. It was a very different virus at the time and I had a newborn. And even now that we do know more, we're in RSV season. Oh, let me tell you.

Speaker 2 8:11

We spent four hours at Children's because they are so slammed with flu, strep and RSV. Right now they are flooded with it.

Speaker 1 8:18

So the moms who have the, you know if your baby has a complicated medical history, if they were premature.

Speaker 2 8:24

Even if they don't, or even if they don't, you have that right. Rsv is very scary for our young babies.

Speaker 1 8:30

And I don't, you know, I think, and I got pushed back with Will when you know, granted, he was six weeks early, he was on an RSV prevention shot.

Speaker 2 8:37

Oh wow, Yep.

Speaker 1 8:39

That's a whole thing. I had to. Our pediatrician had to fight the insurance company. I mean, this woman had to write like novels to get this. It was I forget.

Speaker 2 8:47

I mean, my kids are five and two. Can I still get that for them? Because, goodness gracious, RSV is a beast.

Speaker 1 8:52

I mean you had to basically be to the insurance company going to die if you did not get this. Um, so it was. They made you. It was. That's a whole soapbox we could get into one day is fighting for what your kids need and like the whole bureaucracy of it. But I remember I got pushback from some of my extended family yep, why do you not want us to meet the baby? Oh, oh, come on, it's not a big deal, or you know what. We'll all wash our hands and I had to hold strong, but it made me feel bad, yeah.

Speaker 2 9:26

Well, yeah, because that's gaslighting.

Speaker 1 9:28

Or they said all your cousins bring their babies, why not you?

Speaker 2 9:31

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 9:32

And I'm like that's so.

Speaker 2 9:33

That's a guilt trip. That's a guilt trip, yeah. And that is gaslighting. And again, I want to put this out here just because somebody gaslights you does not automatically make them a narcissist. Okay.

Speaker 1 9:42

Let's just throw that out there. What is a narcissist? Let's bring it up, because everybody's probably like oh my gosh, my aunt and my uncle, you know, when you hear this term you, in your head has this person You're like. That's why they are.

Speaker 2 9:52

So if we want Real clinical here and I'm going to try not to just because I don't feel like our listeners want to hear like the mumbo jumbo of it but there is a diagnosis called narcissistic personality disorder. With that you do have to meet several criteria to actually have the diagnosis of it. So most textbook narcissists it's going to be someone that feels very grandiose about themselves, so like they're all that. Oh yeah, they have hung the moon and stars and how dare you not give them the appropriate attention for them doing that? Okay, a lot of times they will make you feel bad for not doing something up to their standards. Okay, and that's very frequently and it's going to be across the board of you didn't load the dishwasher the right way all the way to something big Like well, how, why would you buy that car? Okay, why. Something big like well, how, why would you buy that car? Okay, why would you do that to me? So when?

Speaker 1 10:42

so everything is an attack for them. So to a mom with a new baby or it, just, if you just have your kid, you're like I'm not, I've been not through it I'm not comfortable or we can briefly touch on this one I don't want them to be around so and so, because now I'm recognizing that's inappropriate behavior around my children. They're going to make you feel like something's wrong with you?

Speaker 2 11:03

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1 11:04

Absolutely Like that. You are questioning your boundary. They're probably going to buck a boundary?

Speaker 2 11:09

Oh for sure they will. Narcissists hate boundaries and that's the best way to deal with a narcissist Okay Is to have a boundary in place. They will never own up to doing anything wrong. They will never apologize. They have no sense of empathy. Okay, so they can't even feel it. No, so you may have an aunt. That's like okay, I'm really sad that I don't get to see the baby, but I understand your point. Well, that's appropriate.

Speaker 1 11:31

Yeah.

Speaker 2 11:32

She can feel disappointed. That's not a bad thing that she feels disappointed, we understand that. But the caveat to that is she says but I understand why, so it's difficult it's not fun, but she has understanding and empathy, whereas a narcissist will not have empathy at all. Okay, perfect, and they are the victim.

Speaker 1 11:54

So, and that's so, these moms who are ready, tired, we're done.

Speaker 2 11:58

We're exhausted, we've been through it.

Speaker 1 12:00

We're tapped out and they're getting. How do you, I mean what advice to keep them to? Not I say, give in is a bad. That's not a bad way, but just To buckle under that yeah.

Speaker 2 12:12

So for moms, I would say figure out what your comfort level is. Okay, what are you willing to do? What are you not willing to do? What is something that you could compromise on you and your significant other? Talk it out. Figure out those boundaries before you approach your family because you need your spouse or your significant other's support. That's a great point. You need that. You need a united front. So have that conversation beforehand. So maybe start now. Oh, absolutely, me and my husband have already started trying to figure things out, just because our Christmas will look a little bit different this year, not to overshare listening family, but I had a death in the family, so things look very different for my mom and my parents. And so now I'm talking to my husband of well, do we kind of break our traditions? And you, you know, are we there a little bit more for my parents, and all those kinds of things. So start now. Figure out what you want to do.

Speaker 1 13:04

Figure out what is actually logistically feasible, like let's not drive across the state 15 times this year correct, so figure out okay.

Speaker 2 13:14

Do we have a health concern?

Speaker 1 13:16

and then that could be a mental health concern too. Oh for sure, being honest and saying I don't it stresses me out. It's too much. I don't enjoy this. I want these special times at our home.

Speaker 2 13:29

I want to wake up christmas in my house and that's the boundary that we put into place. Honestly, when I was pregnant with my older daughter because she was a January baby, so I was large pregnant at Christmas I was like 36 weeks and for the most part for years before that we would always stay the night with my parents on Christmas Eve night, wake up, do Christmas morning with them, leave and then go to my husband's side of the family thing like lunchtime on Christmas day, yeah. But then when I was pregnant, I was like I don't want to be that far away from my delivering hospital. Yeah, because I was probably about an hour-ish away, which that's our pregnant moms too.

Speaker 1 14:04

Yeah, like you can go ahead and set that boundary.

Speaker 2 14:06

Yeah.

Speaker 1 14:06

Hey, I'm very pregnant, or I'm pregnant, yeah. And what if you have had? You know with me, with my history of miscarriages? I wanted to be close to my doctor. I did not want to be out of state.

Speaker 2 14:18

Yeah, oh, absolutely. I didn't feel comfortable being an hour away from my hospital because at 36 weeks I could have gone into labor. Yeah, easily, easily. I was born at 35 and six. Yeah, will was 34 weeks. So I mean like easily I could have gone into labor. So that's when I said, you know, I'm just not comfortable being that far away from my hospital for that long of a period of time Now. We still went and saw my family on Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1 14:43

But you came home, but we came home.

Speaker 2 14:45

So we went and did the family get-together. We went and did that, but then we came home and I felt fine about that because I was around my hospital and we were only gone for a few hours. You know, we went and did lunch with my family, did gifts with my cousins, all the you know all the things. So we were there, we spent that time with them but, but then it was time to go home. And I got to sleep in my own bed when I was a beached whale.

Speaker 1 15:13

Oh my God, the end of pregnancy. I guess it's just telling the moms. I don't think anybody has this conversation with your friends until you're in the thick of it and you're like now that I'm a mom or mom-to-be things change, and I think it's hard for family to see that it's a transitional phase and that who you were before kids or being pregnant we are not the same person.

Speaker 1 15:38

We're not the same and now we have to kind of develop our own holiday traditions, boundaries and protections for our family and for your Aunt Brenda's out there who maybe it's so far gone. The early years of motherhood yeah, or they just I get it. I think some people are coming from a good place right. Yes, or they just I get it. I think some people are coming from a good place right. And it's just in my head. I was like, if this ruins our relationship, because I do not feel comfortable for my kids' safety, that says more about our relationship than it does the situation.

Speaker 2 16:12

That would be a narcissistic red flag.

Speaker 1 16:14

So that's, but did they shame me? Yes, and was I in the middle of postpartum depression during this?

Speaker 2 16:19

Yes.

Speaker 1 16:20

And I still was suffering really bad from postpartum anxiety.

Speaker 2 16:24

Well, and let's say this when you put a boundary in place, it doesn't have to be confrontational, and I think that's what people are like. They never had a boundary put on them from you.

Speaker 1 16:34

Yeah, they think you're like bucking up to it.

Speaker 2 16:36

So let's almost role play a boundary being put in place. Okay, we're going to pretend you're Aunt Brenda and I'm me, and let's just say that I have a newborn-ish baby, six months old or less. Yes, and Christmas get together. There's like a dozen or more people there.

Speaker 1 16:52

So large gathering.

Speaker 2 16:53

We're talking extended family and I say, hey, aunt Brenda, I know that you know everybody's really looking forward to the Christmas get together. However, because Annie is just so little, she doesn't have much of an immune system. We're not going to come this year just to protect her, because the flu and RSV season is already so bad. We don't want her to get sick. Oh, Whitney.

Speaker 1 17:13

Okay, come on. All your cousins are bringing their babies. We haven't met the baby. I can call and see who's got the vaccine. What else do you want? Do you want us to wear a?

Speaker 2 17:20

mask. Well, masking is great and I really do appreciate that you would be willing to do that. However, we already know that our children's hospital is at 80% capacity and she's so little. I'm really worried this could be detrimental. That's what our pediatrician has been telling us. You're going to break grandmother's heart Well, and you know what. We will call grandma and we will figure out a time to meet with her separately. That way it's a little bit more of a controlled environment and we can do the same for you. But that large of a gathering is just not safe for our baby right now.

Speaker 1 17:51

Okay, well, I'll just pray you change your mind. Okay, and that's okay.

Speaker 2 17:55

Yeah, you can end it like that, so it's not a fun conversation.

Speaker 1 17:58

No, it's not, and I those conversations and you know what. Some extended family called my parents and tried to shame them, to shame me, and it just was, it was. I remember that like very vividly.

Speaker 2 18:12

And so you're not going to walk away from that conversation feeling good, and that's okay. Let me just say that I know that everybody wants a happy ending, because we think a happy ending brings closure. You're not going to have warm fuzzies, okay, even if Aunt Brenda says you know what? I'm really disappointed. I wanted to meet the baby, but I understand where you're coming from. That's even hard to hear. And again, you're welcome to meet your baby, yeah.

Navigating Family Holiday Traditions

Speaker 2 18:37

And so again, it's not a personal attack for you to put this boundary in place. Even if Aunt Brenda has that empathy component, you still feel bad because you're like man, I disappointed them, I'm disappointed that you know. It really just doesn't seem to be the right choice. Just know you're probably not going to feel great coming out of that conversation. That's appropriate. Give your voice, journal. This is where I would voice, journal your feelings, to give yourself that opportunity to process what is going on and then remind yourself that, while you don't feel great about that conversation, you're going to feel a little bit down, maybe a little frustrated. Whatever You're doing what is right for your child and for you, that's true what about if your partner and you disagree?

Speaker 1 19:27

and now that's super fun and I'm gonna say it probably happens more times than not. Oh yeah, because another thing I don't think they talk about really well before marriage or marriage counseling or just reality is you kind of assume I think you're going to go with your family and he thinks my family, and then you're married and then it's, it's one thing.

Speaker 1 19:47

When you guys are just together, right, yeah, dating, oh absolutely you can kind of say okay, but again, here comes the kid and it's like, yes, it's so different, boom drop yes, um, what do you do?

Speaker 2 19:57

so is one of those. Is there a way to compromise? So to give y'all a rundown of how bananas Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is for our families. So Christmas Eve day we go to my husband's brother's house for his mom's side of the family get together. So we drive 45 minutes to their house, we do lunch and gifts with them. So we're there for to their house, we do lunch and gifts with them, so we're there for a couple of hours. Thankfully, going to his brother's house is in the same direction as going to my parents' house. Okay, so we're already kind of halfway to my parents. So we're there for a couple hours with my husband's mom's side of the family. So we leave there, let's just say, at like 2.30 on Christmas Eve and we got there at like 11. So, been there for a couple of hours, it's a while, but we were trying to give each part of the family their fair amount of time.

Speaker 1 20:47

Yeah, I hate to say it like that, but I don't know a better way to say it, but it feels like that, it feels like okay.

Speaker 2 20:53

We're having to divvy out our time. Let's celebrate here yeah, okay, everybody feels good. All the emotions needs met, we've done all the things. So we leave from his brother's house and then we go to my parents house, which is probably another 45 minute, almost an hour drive to get there. So then we're with my parents and my mom's side of the family and so again, pre-kids, pre-pregnancy we would stay the night with him, just because it made life a little bit easier for us.

Speaker 1 21:20

Truthfully, because you've already, like, traveled up the road.

Speaker 2 21:22

Exactly, and so we're there with them. We'll say that we get there at like I don't know four, for example. We're there until about seven Because again, it's big family things. We're eating with them, we're doing all the things, all the things. So if we're leaving my parents' house at 7 to drive back to our house, we get back to our house at about 8.30.

Speaker 1 21:45

And remind us how old your girls are.

Speaker 2 21:49

I have a 2-year-old and a 5-and-a-half-year-old. My 5-year-old will be just a few weeks shy of 6. And let's talk about how still need naps. Oh, over stimulation, over sugared all the things, and yet I still also want to create the santa magic, uh huh.

Speaker 1 22:05

So it's like this, ain't like you hauling around teenagers which, let's be honest, teenagers aren't easy either no, but at least they can take themselves to the bathroom and all the thing like it's just a little bit easier. Hold your your santa on a sleigh delivering, oh we yes, 110 percent, uh-huh.

Speaker 2 22:18

And so then it's like we got to get the kids in bed, somehow, settle them down after this day of overstimulation, and it's Santa's coming in, excitement, routine's broken, oh, routine is just gone, it's out the window. What are we talking about? But then they're also excited because Santa and Christmas, because we've played it up, because we're moms, we want the magic, we want the magic, we want the magic. Okay, we want that. So then we get the kids to bed somehow. Not great, what do you do? Then we do Santa and we put things together, which I will say this, if anyone ever has the opportunity to do this, I've done this for years Take a day off work when your kid is at daycare, school, whatever. Put your toys together that day and hide them and just have like we have a shed where, like, we just keep our lawn stuff, like our lawnmower and stuff you hide it.

Speaker 2 23:03

I hide it in there because my kids don't really go there. They don't really pay attention to that little shed out in the yard and, okay, cool, like they don't pay enough attention to it to think, oh, let me go look for toys there, that's a mom tip right there.

Speaker 1 23:16

So, we know it's going to be stressful and we know it's going to be hard.

Speaker 1 23:21

So do what you can ahead of time. Control some of the controllable-ish. You know, there's also like a lot of churches in our area and sometimes I see some college girls hustling and they will wrap your presents and put presents together for you for a small fee. I'm willing to pay it and I'm at that point where I'm willing to pay. They make the bows prettier than I do. Oh yeah, I don't have that gift. So if you can do something ahead of time, yeah, but if not, we're all probably up Christmas Eve.

Speaker 2 23:51

About two in the morning on Christmas day, and then our kids are up at five.

Speaker 1 23:54

They're up in the kids or they're attempting to escape their bedroom multiple times to hear for Santa.

Speaker 2 23:59

Yeah, of course, naturally. So then we have Christmas Day, we do Santa, we do all the things. That's honestly my favorite part, because that's more chill and that's at your house and it's at our house and that's a good boundary that you've set and I don't feel like I have to stay on top of my kids because I know what's in my house.

Speaker 2 24:14

I have childproofed my house that's such a good point we have to hit on Because, I mean, my sister-in-law, she's really great at decorating, let me just like she has a gift for it, but she probably has maybe four or five Christmas trees in her house and I'm constantly on my two-year-old of don't get the ornament, it'll break, it'll break, it'll break.

Speaker 1 24:33

I mean I never.

Speaker 2 24:34

That's very stressful, because I'm constantly like don't do this, don't do that, and she's two.

Speaker 1 24:38

Well, and it's not their house, it's not their norm. So they're super intrigued by it.

Speaker 2 24:42

Yes.

Navigating Family Holiday Dynamics

Speaker 1 24:43

And, let's be honest, all the oohs and aahs and the lights, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you're visiting family and they're not in the same stage of life as you are, they can have the crystal out, they can have the sharp edges.

Speaker 2 24:56

We ain't got that in my house.

Speaker 1 24:57

They can have the nice white furniture and fancy whatever that. When you then you invite your kids over, this always stresses me out and I'm like sweating. Even thinking about this is my kids will just be kids and they're messy and they're loud and they break things and they're just living life. But I feel like I'm on.

Speaker 2 25:17

Oh, I never sit at my sister-in-law's house because I'm constantly making sure my kids aren't breaking things. Now my five-year-old is way better. She can play with her older cousins and all the things and she just she gets logic at this point, but the two-year-old? The two-year-old is a whole different ballgame.

Speaker 1 25:31

Baby James is a wrecking ball in our own home.

Speaker 2 25:35

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 25:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2 25:36

But at that same time, that's why Christmas morning way better it's our own home. I know that there's probably not anything they can like, they're just used to it.

Speaker 1 25:45

And you just have a sense of control, oh for sure, and comfort.

Speaker 2 25:47

But then that afternoon we have to drive again another about 45 minutes to my husband's aunt's house to do Christmas with his dad's side of the family. Oh, wow so, you so that is our 48 hours marathon of Christmas Eve, christmas Day. And what does Whitney say to herself the next day after? Oh, let's see, christmas actually falls on a weekend. So I'm actually tempted to work the day after Christmas, just to get away, to get out of the crazy.

Speaker 2 26:16

So moms are not alone To have a sense of normalcy and structure and routine, which I don't know that any client's going to want to come in the day after Christmas. So we'll just see what my schedule just plays out to be, Actually they probably do. If you're in Alabama and you need a session the day after Christmas I'm probably going to be working. I'll probably take that session.

Speaker 1 26:32

Right, Come on now. I'll be like Whitney, I need it.

Speaker 2 26:35

We'll all need it.

Speaker 1 26:42

I think one thing, too, we need to touch on is when someone questions your parenting choices or the fact that just because someone's family, it doesn't give them the right to disrespect you or treat you unkindly or your children.

Speaker 2 26:54

Yeah, so this is important because again this kind of comes back to boundaries. Yeah, so this is important because again this kind of comes back to boundaries. Yeah, where you know, even my parents they raised me and my sister differently than how I'm raising my girls, and I'm not saying my parents did a bad job or anything wrong. But things change, times evolve. Yeah, we know better, do better kind of thing. So if someone comes up to me and they're like well, I don't understand why you're not going to let the baby have like real food, let's just say so. Let's just say you have a baby that's like eight or nine months old.

Speaker 1 27:25

Yeah, so they're on solids-ish, but we're not going to just carve a piece of turkey and hand it to them Correct If they've never had that Correct, because we also have to be aware of, like food allergens and all the things like feeding difficulty.

Speaker 2 27:37

Yeah, I mean, there's just, you know, maybe your baby doesn't have any teeth yet and you're not super comfortable with them having meat. Yeah, like you can mash up some sweet potatoes and be like, okay, cool, you fine with that, right. But that's when you have to say I get it. Y'all did things differently and that's totally fine. We're going off the advice of our pediatrician.

Speaker 1 27:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:55

I will always say throw your pediatrician under the bus, not because you dislike them, but because it's really hard-ish for family to buck the pediatrician's advice. Yeah, Because it's not even the same as an adult doctor like your PCP or OB. Right, it's like, oh well, that's the baby doctor, Like they know better than me.

Speaker 1 28:13

And there is some people that's going to say, well, I raised 15 children and look at y'all. You're fine, that's great.

Speaker 2 28:17

That's great. I'm glad that happened for you, but that's not the case for everybody. And our doctor knows our child. Yeah, they know all the circumstances. They know the most recent research. So that's who I'm going to follow.

Speaker 1 28:31

And that's an uncomfortable feeling when someone has your kid or brings your kid and it could be family and then they give them something or they expose them to something, like we said, allergies or maybe you're just not comfortable with. Yeah, and it can be anything from food to like seeing something or hearing something. Or inappropriate.

Speaker 2 28:50

Especially if you have a wide spectrum of cousin ages and I think that's hard is because extended families Parent different. Parent different and kids are just at different developmental stages. Like again, not to throw, this side of the family know the best, but my husband's brother and sister-in-law well, their oldest daughter is a senior in high school. That's the same, unlike my dad's side is we literally yeah, and she's very responsible like

Speaker 2 29:16

she's an extremely responsible child and I know that she would never expose my kids to anything inappropriate, but at the same time she can handle things that my five-year-old can't Exactly, so you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 29:28

Like there are things that are more age appropriate for the 18-year-old than it is for my five-year-old, and so if I had a concern, that would be one of those. You know I would ask my husband hey, do you mind talking to your brother and making sure that so-and-so doesn't have their iPad out around Sydney, for example, you know, not saying that she can't go to her room and be on, or just even being on different side of the room than my child with her iPad.

Speaker 1 29:54

It's what's on that iPad that you know you don't want these little eyes?

Speaker 2 29:57

Even if she's scrolling Instagram.

Speaker 1 30:00

Because Insta.

Speaker 2 30:01

I mean any social media will just pop things in those ads. You have to be very, very mindful.

Speaker 1 30:07

Very mindful.

Speaker 2 30:08

And again, that child's 18. She can swipe by and be like oh, that's not appropriate, let me keep going. Right, she has the ability to do that.

Speaker 1 30:15

My child's not there yet, right, okay, her frontal cortex is not anywhere near as developed as the 18 year old.

Speaker 2 30:21

We don't need that stuff in there, correct? So that is one of those where, if there is a good relationship and let's just say it's on your significant other side of the family you say, hey, will you have a talk with your brother about blah blah, blah, blah, blah? Or, like I have a pretty decent relationship with my sister-in-law. I could approach her and say, hey, you know, I know she is probably going to have her iPad out. I'm fine with that, but we just let her know to not have it around Sydney, for example. And she'd be like, okay, cool, yeah, not a big deal, just not saying don't let your child have it.

Speaker 1 30:51

It's just, I just want. Can we just be aware my five-year-old's going to you know idolize is probably the older cousin, want to be everything like it, and just you know, an 18 year old's not going to be like, yeah, a five year old shouldn't see that.

Speaker 2 31:02

Exactly, and I don't want to put that responsibility on an 18 year old child, because it's not appropriate.

Speaker 2 31:07

Yeah, it's my job as the parent to say, okay, you know, Mary can have her iPad out, but if Sydney gets over there near her, that's when you know we can tell Mary hey, you know, why don't you go do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like go play on the trampoline or go do whatever? Now, admittedly, I think Christmas is slightly easier for that distraction because there's presents, there's food, yeah, those kinds of things. So I feel like it's a little bit easier to throw in a distraction for a five-year-old.

Speaker 1 31:33

Thanksgiving might be a little bit more more.

Speaker 2 31:39

We're all sitting around. That's a little bit trickier. Christmas, I feel like.

Speaker 1 31:40

It's like hey, come look at all these shiny new objects, yeah, so let's end with just reminding our listeners. I think it's important because people feel like sometimes they just have to do what family says ask and tells them and treats them what is just like what? What's your? What have you seen and heard over the years and experienced that you just want to give them, like some Whitney therapy, insight on this.

Speaker 2 32:05

So just realize the holidays are stressful. So even if you put your boundaries in place, people abide by those boundaries. Let's just say the stars align. Let's just say there's no family drama.

Speaker 1 32:17

Oh, that's like I mean, let's just hypothetically speaking.

Speaker 2 32:22

It's a nice little pipe dream, okay, so let's just say things go well, people respect the boundaries, there's no family drama. You're still going to be tired. Yeah, it is still mayhem, it is still chaos, it's still overstimulation. I would highly encourage doing something like making sure you have your tactile grounding stuff on board, so having sanitizer or lotion in the car, or even a candle To just smell that smell.

Speaker 2 32:48

Just that reset for your central nervous system. Remind yourself, this too shall pass. This is temporary. This is temporary. This is you know. For us, for example, again, okay, this is a really hard 48 hours, but it's going to be over in 48 hours, right, we can make it. We've done this before. We can do it again. It's going to get easier with each year. Positive affirmations, yes, I have to tell myself it's going to get easier each year. Deep breathing, yes, deep breathing, yes, deep breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth, and again, just, you can do this. Yeah, we can do hard things, we can do stressful things, right?

Speaker 1 33:26

And it's the boundary. I'm so big on it now that you've taught me this, but I don't think people are supposed to necessarily like your boundary, and that's okay.

Speaker 2 33:33

Yeah, that's absolutely correct. And then for mamas, I would, sometime after the holidays, whenever it works in your schedule, schedule self-care. Whether that means a therapy appointment, whether that means nails, whether that means lunch by yourself, whatever that self-care looks like, schedule that after the holidays, because you're going to need it and outsource what you can.

Speaker 1 33:54

Oh, absolutely Don't.

Speaker 2 33:56

We're not happy, we don't have to be super hero moms and right now, honestly, I've learned with my kids it's not the price of their gifts, the size of the the gifts, it's how we get excited with them, how we play up. If you do, santa, look, santa left, you know he ate the cookies you left. Honestly, that took me sprinkling some sprinkles on the plate.

Speaker 2 34:19

Yeah, and putting a few drops of milk in the cup, being like he ate those cookies you made, right, and that's. That was magic for my five-year-old last year, and you didn't have to make those homemade If you want to make them homemade?

Speaker 1 34:30

great Girlfriend no. You could buy a great magical mom. So don't, with this coming up with our boundaries, with our family, it's going to be pushback. It's going to, like Whitney said, you're not going to leave every conversation feeling like, oh my gosh, I mean Brenda, totally totally understood.

Speaker 1 34:48

People aren't going to understand, and that's okay. Yeah, and like we said, we talked about narcissistic qualities. Yep, we all may have some of those in our family. Yep, we all have some that maybe just are stuck in generational cycles. Agreed, but at the end of the day. We want you guys to do what you need to do for your mental health as moms and feel confident yeah, comfortable, confident and say I got this. Yeah, you know what You're in charge of, you and your family, and we're here.

Speaker 2 35:11

And it's okay if you do things differently than what your family has done for the past however many years. Amen, it's okay. It's not a bad thing.

Speaker 1 35:19

All right, guys, we've got so much more of this holiday series. You're going to get to hear different topics.

Speaker 2 35:23

We got you.

Speaker 1 35:24

We're going to get through it together.

Speaker 2 35:25

Yes, we got y'all All right, so next time. See y'all.

Speaker 1 35:31

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.