Speaker 1: 0:01

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. This is Sarah and we are in our holiday season. This season, whitney and I decided to do replay episodes because these are some of our most listened to episodes and so vital to equip and empower you guys through the stressful holiday season. So, no matter where you are at in life, these episodes are made for you, to help guide you, to support you and know you're not alone. So hang in there, we're right there with you. Stay tuned. Hey guys, welcome back to preview alliance. It's sar's, sarah and Whitney. Okay, so this is Toolbox Christmas Holiday Edition.

Speaker 2: 0:50

That's right. And here we are in our festive shirts.

Speaker 1: 0:54

We're so ready for this. Okay, we know you moms love the Toolbox episodes, just like we do, because we need tools, like builders, to navigate and handle it. That's right, whitney, I'm going to give you some situations. We're going to talk through some things and you're going to give us tools. Okay, let's do it. Okay, we're at a family event. Hello, what we're doing? Feeling very overwhelmed? Yeah, fair enough. How can we ground ourself in a closed space? Lots of family, lots of opinions. What's some good grounding techniques?

Speaker 2: 1:26

we can talk about. So one thing always that deep breathing kind of in through the nose, out through the mouth. We don't have to make it big, dramatic of it's just.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Hey, if you want to, and be like. Hey, by the way, this is how you all should learn to deep breathe.

Speaker 2: 1:38

Exactly. Let me demonstrate for y'all as you stand and carve the turkey.

Speaker 2: 1:42

That's right, hey. So just in through the nose, out through the mouth, you know. And another thing you can always just dart into the restroom if you need to Splash water on your face. Get that on your pulse points on your wrist if you need to. Hopefully there's some soap in the bathroom to do our tactile grounding so you can even just breathe in the scent of soap. Yes, chances are, there's a Christmas candle somewhere. So even getting closer to a candle and breathing in that, scent Ice.

Speaker 1: 2:08

Make yourself a drink. Yes, absolutely. Take a little ice quickly. You put it on the wrist, that's right. No one's got to know it Exactly.

Speaker 2: 2:15

No one has to know that. And even with that, we can do tactile grounding with taste of a drink or even the texture of. Are we going to chew a piece of ice? Yeah, different things like that. Let's work smarter, not harder. Yes, let's not forget our tactile grounding. Yes, because you may have some intrusive thoughts at this, but chances are there's so much overstimulation it's a lot that the intrusive thought really doesn't even have a chance to pop in. It's just like oh my gosh, I'm doing this, this, this, this, this, this, and we feel more scattered than we do having an intrusive thought, right? So that's where the tactile is going to be a little bit more helpful. Not saying a grounding thought wouldn't be, but I think tactile might help ground a little bit better in that moment.

Speaker 1: 2:57

What if you're like getting? You're feeling yourself getting really anxious.

Speaker 2: 3:02

Okay, ourselves getting really anxious. Okay, so, like the rapid heartbeat possibly, yeah, like now we're physically there, right, okay, so, if that's the case, again, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Always remember that if you're getting the hot flashes, rapid heartbeat, like Sarah mentioned, gets you some ice. Or if they have drinks in a cooler, grab a bottle of water, coke, can, whatever. I need you to really get that on the back of your neck stat.

Speaker 1: 3:26

And that's what does that do? Does that like? Just shock your body into being like, or brings you back Kind of.

Speaker 2: 3:31

It's almost like you're distracting your brain from the anxiety feelings. Ok. So it's almost like a reset for the central nervous system. Ok if you want to think about it like that Now, when we do something called on a pulse point, so on the front of our neck, on that artery there or on our wrist, that initiates more of the vagal response.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Okay, and vagal is like going to slow us down.

Speaker 2: 3:54

That's going to take just a little bit of that edge off on the rapid heartbeat. Okay, because I've even noticed sometimes when I've had a rapid heartbeat. I'll look at my Fitbit to see what my heart rate is. My heart rate's not that high, so it is an anxious perception of my heart rate being high, not just actually Correct. Wow, okay.

Speaker 1: 4:12

And I something that you taught me, too, is just take like a second. And like, if I can and if you have kids, this is a great excuse. Yeah, I'm just going to step outside for a few minutes. Oh, up outside for a few minutes. Oh my gosh. You know I've been taking the baby out for fresh air for a second that's could be for you to walk around the house for a few minutes to hum.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Humming helps me, you've taught me this kind of hum, you know, just to like, yeah, even just break that environment.

Speaker 2: 4:35

Uh-huh, now I do know. Um, last year yeah, last year's when I did this, because my two year old was just a little over a year then very much still on that nap schedule so I dropped my older daughter and my husband off at his brother's house because it was smack at lunchtime, which was nap time, as it is for most, and so I drove the younger one around for a little bit so she could actually get a decent nap in.

Speaker 1: 4:59

Yeah, and that's okay. That's good for you.

Speaker 2: 5:01

Take that moment, or if you've got the stroller with you, say you know what Baby's getting sleepy. I'm just going to go stroll around with her for a little bit.

Speaker 1: 5:14

And I think having a code word like we talked about this in, like the hospital, when you're in birth, have a code word with your partner, with your sports person, and say, when you're ready to leave, yeah, or you need someone to tap in. It could be even with the kids. If you're feeling overwhelmed because we're at a different environment, it's safety, you're overwhelmed, questions whatever. Having a code word without being like get over here, I need help. Or like having a meltdown.

Speaker 1: 5:35

Without yelling SOS. Uh-huh. Say a word, yeah, say. Oh. You know I need an extra serving of this. Could you grab that for me, you know? Whatever.

Speaker 2: 5:44

So have a code word around yourself.

Speaker 1: 5:46

Now, sometimes, as moms during holidays, we feel like we're failing. Yeah, and that's because social media makes you feel that way. Holiday movies make you feel that way. You have an expectation perception in your mind.

Speaker 2: 6:00

Everybody's got together High expectation.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Let's talk some positive affirmations.

Speaker 2: 6:05

So one thing that I would encourage you to do is that you are your child's mom for a reason. You are going to give your child the best Christmas that you can. Yes, because you're doing everything that you can to make it the best Christmas for them.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Right.

Speaker 2: 6:20

That you are making memories with them.

Speaker 2: 6:23

Yeah, so especially you know, because let's just be real, the economy is awful right now. Everything is so expensive right now. And again, my older daughter she's a January baby. I've said that several times, so we personally don't go big at Christmas, because she has a birthday three weeks later and we have three sets of grandparents they give to her extended aunts and uncles. It's a lot, yeah, it is a whole lot. So we do not have the facebook instagram decked out from wall to wall with toys, because it's very unnecessary for our family. Just and if you do that, good, I want you to do that, because that is how you celebrate right? Personally, I cannot handle that amount of stuff, plus whatever we get from family, and having a birthday three weeks down the road.

Speaker 1: 7:13

Because let's talk about sensory overload with that because, even seeing so much gifts, so much visually. Yeah, you're more smells than you're used to more lights, more sounds.

Speaker 2: 7:24

Everything, all the things. So again, with that sensory regulation, it's important to tell moms what can you kind of do, maybe even to start your day to kind of like release that nervous system. Jitteriness like that I feel so, especially if you wake up feeling that way, as much as we want to, don't grab your phone. Okay, just don't Don't grab your phone. Just don't don't grab your phone. That blue light's actually going to trigger your brain a little bit more and comparison factor imperfectionism yes and because we're probably going to scroll first thing.

Speaker 2: 7:54

Okay, why do we do that? Because, okay, here's a soapbox I do it here's a soapbox for another day, but, in a nutshell, social media is made to be addictive.

Speaker 1: 8:03

Yeah, and especially I think okay, and you I know I'm gonna sound crazy saying this, but I know you're gonna make me not sound crazy, so I have so much to do, but I go on Instagram why?

Speaker 2: 8:13

Yes, okay, so very good reason for that, and then we'll come back to the positive affirmations. So that is almost like a freeze response. Yes, because we're overwhelmed with a list of 20 things that we need to do today. 50 presents go to five classroom parties, exactly. So it's kind of like, okay, I have all these things that I need to do and we look at the big picture, we look at everything that has to be done. We feel like, oh my gosh, I have to do it all now. So we already feel overwhelmed, we already feel defeated. I'm going to just go to Instagram because you know it'll be a quick little break for my brain. So we're using a defense mechanism of avoidance, but we're also in a freeze state because we are in such a heightened level of anxiety that our brain shuts down. You make me feel a lot better that there's a reason to this.

Speaker 1: 8:59

Oh, absolutely there is. And so, moms, we're not alone.

Speaker 2: 9:02

So in those positive affirmations that apparently I need now, so one thing, to kind of go back to the presence, I would say focus more on the memories you make with your child than the money you spend. They don't know what a toy costs. It's how they feel. Yes, it, they don't know what a toy costs.

Speaker 1: 9:17

It's how they feel. Yes, it's mom's present Presence is there.

Speaker 2: 9:19

Yes, Presence is present, exactly. So. I mean you can go to the dollar store and buy you know a Barbie from there, and it might be $10 cheaper than going to Walmart. Even your kid doesn't know. No, your kid does not know that.

Speaker 1: 9:33

You know that and you need to let that go Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 9:36

So focus on you are making memories with your child, not spending money. Oh, I love that.

Speaker 1: 9:42

Okay, and we talked about social media, which apparently I need a break from, and how it lied to you. Let's just hit on a couple of truths that moms need to know about that, because everybody's going to be posting meet Santa. I'll be guilty of it, you know I'll do it, but it's like there is what's behind that Santa picture I guarantee is sweat, tears, maybe blood, from someone Possibly Can't rule it out no, you can't, especially with my littlest Poor baby James. I think it's just you have to look at social media in a way of like it's going to lie to you.

Speaker 2: 10:14

Oh, absolutely. Social media is a highlight reel Comparison factor. I mean even influencers who it seems like their houses are in perfect shape, that they're clean, organized. What have you? You don't see what is like six inches behind them of a dumpster fire of a house and I say that because my house is a dumpster fire too, Just as guilty as anybody else, and it's five minutes maybe of their day exactly maybe maybe and it's the highlight reel they're not going to show you the breaking down.

Speaker 2: 10:44

No, and I certainly kind of broke, I guess, the social media highlight reel over the past couple of weeks because to my listeners, my grandfather had passed away so I was very open about my grief with that yeah and that's okay, and that's and that's okay, people need to know my life is not together. Yeah, and that's okay.

Speaker 2: 11:03

Yeah, it's okay that my life is not together, because it will not always feel like this no so don't let what other people's social media post and highlight reels, these snapshots of their life, dictate how you feel about your life or if you're a good mom or not, exactly because that does.

Speaker 1: 11:21

That's not a we're not going to compare ourselves to this, and behind each photo there's things you do not know about. That mom agreed and there's, there's a lot of the struggle that got there and I think mental health is extremely important to talk about during the holidays. That's why we're giving you guys the truth. We're giving you tools. Okay, let's go to mom guilt during holidays. And this kind of comes back with social media.

Speaker 2: 11:47

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:47

Let's not compare. Yeah, let's give us permission to be humans.

Speaker 2: 11:51

Yes. Well, here's the thing too your kids are not comparing you to their friends, mom, only you are, exactly. Yeah, because I'm assuming that your five-year-old doesn't have social media and isn't looking at all that stuff. No, now, if you have pre-teen teenagers, it could be a little bit harder, because they're they are going to be on social most likely, so maybe they are going to see this decked out room, but that's when you have a real conversation with them. Yeah, about what you can and cannot manage. Yeah, reality that's okay.

Speaker 1: 12:26

And to the mom girl is like just, you put too much pressure on ourselves. I do it myself. I'm like this has to be the most magical christmas, or this and that, and it's like, like we said, show up for your kids. Yeah, be there.

Speaker 2: 12:37

Memories there Memories over money.

Speaker 1: 12:39

That's so true. How to reframe negative thoughts? Because I get negative thoughts when I'm really stressed, apparently, if I'm not freezing looking at Instagram, so tell us how to reframe.

Speaker 2: 12:51

Okay, so reframing again. I feel like it's just so easy to go back to the whole. Well, they're doing X, y and Z for their child. You know, let's just say someone buys their kids a dozen toys for Santa alone to put out by the tree and, like our family, santa does three in the stocking.

Speaker 1: 13:08

And that's a set boundary, and guess what your kids are going to be like? That's awesome.

Speaker 2: 13:12

It works for us. And so now, okay, telling on myself here and I do it every year I've got to start breaking this cycle in my brain. But it takes work. Every Christmas I know, okay, three gifts from Santa plus the stocking, and then three gifts from us, because, logically, I know we don't need all these things. We're going to get blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that kind of stuff, but it never fails. I'll be scrolling and I'm like, like man, I really wish we could give them this like great, awesome, like huge christmas blah, blah, blah and I have to remind myself okay, but you're also not going to go into debt for christmas.

Speaker 2: 13:50

You know you do this every year. As far as having the limits, and after christmas you're always so grateful that you had these limits in place, right? Because again, the truckload of other things that comes in from other family members.

Speaker 2: 14:05

So reframe and say it's not that you're not doing enough, it's you're doing what you can and you're doing your best you can yes, you're sticking to your personal boundaries, which is very important, whether that's like a core moral belief or like my husband, he'll tell you he gets overwhelmed with too much toys in the house.

Speaker 1: 14:24

I did too, because I'm like where is this going to go Exactly? Especially the million pieces, one, exactly, I'm going to step on and I'm going to injure myself and that or baby James is going to swallow and kill himself. Yes, I get triggered. I'm triggered now.

Speaker 2: 14:35

Yeah, going to swallow and try to kill himself Like yes, I get triggered, I'm triggered now, yeah, and so remind yourself that you're abiding by your own personal boundaries. And you know, again, that could be a financial thing, it could be just an overstimulation kind of thing, it could fall into any category. You are honoring your own personal boundaries, which we're going to loop this into a little bit of a deeper psychological thing here. You're honoring your inner child when you do that because you're protecting them from those feelings of overwhelmed.

Speaker 1: 15:02

And we're going to, in our next episode, kind of talk about why inner child in the holidays can be tough, oh yeah, so hang on, We'll get more into that. I know you guys are going. Yeah, I see it. But so when, like Whitney said, and let's be honest, when you're on your phone, when you're on TV, when you're listening to radio, what is the whole goal of the holidays for you to spend money from advertisers, big money. So they're coming for you and they're trying. Their whole goal is to get you to buy it. So how do you get to buy it? As you shame someone, you guilt them or you make them think everybody else is doing it yeah, for sure so just be aware of that, so you just reframe this is our modern day peer pressure.

Speaker 2: 15:40

I am 36 and still having peer pressure from social media and advertisements and all the things so just rock it, so say what it?

Speaker 1: 15:47

is. This is x, but look at all the benefits of holding this boundary you got that, okay. Um, one thing that works for me. I was going to share and I I've told Whitney about this a brain dump. So, especially we say for moms just in general, especially newborn period, pregnancy period.

Speaker 1: 16:04

Yeah, Like we get really kind of feeling overwhelmed, scared, mom Brian. They love to say oh, yeah. So to make lists help me to let it all at the end of the day, to process, to just lay it out. And that's also a good way that if you have your partner to say hey, did you know that little Johnny has six Christmas activities with the school and church? This is I need to bring 15 dozen cookies for everybody in this, or like I need to do this and that and sometimes, seeing it, you can kind of say what do I need to do now, what can be later and what's some things I don't have to do Exactly.

Speaker 2: 16:38

Yeah, so prioritize what is coming up soon. It's like a deadline, yep, for example, okay, so if this is like beginning of December, okay, I need to have X amount of cookies for the church get together. Okay, well, then the class party isn't until December 15th. Okay, cool, I can wait until that Monday to buy, buy cupcakes, that way, they have them on thursday.

Speaker 2: 16:58

Yeah, um, and then, okay, so, like for us, just, I mean for everybody december is a very busy month it just happens yeah, um, and so I hate to say it like this like we've had some friends invite us to their wedding in the beginning of december. Well, lo and behold, we already had a family christmas, so we had to say no to the wedding. Yeah, I hate it because we would like to be there to send our support and love and all the things, but it's not reality. It's not reality and it's OK that we say no, it's never a personal attack. I think that's a big point.

Speaker 1: 17:29

Yeah, it's OK to say no, and it's not an at that person?

Speaker 2: 17:34

No, not at all, because if we didn't have a family get together, well, yeah, we would probably go, but it's not feasible for us. I'm working on not feeling guilty for that because I know, okay, we need to go be with extended family, yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:47

So let. So it's okay to say no, it's okay to prioritize your list of things and get done. I heard this great example. It's like we all have all these balls. We're juggling right, you got to figure out which one's bouncing which one's breaks Us moms and our mental health, our kids, our sport system, our spouses our partners, they break yeah. Now, if you get Publix cookies versus homemade cookies, nobody knows. No one knows If you have pickup delivery.

Speaker 1: 18:12

And if they do know, I don't care who cares, you know I don't care who cares, they're great. Yeah, I highly recommend the Publix mini chocolate cupcakes for anybody. Yeah, I think they're better than any.

Speaker 2: 18:21

I was about to say I love me some Publix cakes, so do what, and that's an important point Outsource, be resourceful.

Speaker 1: 18:28

Work smarter, not harder. Don't carry this burden of like. Everything has to be homemade.

Speaker 2: 18:33

Everything has to be perfect Well, perfect well, and I do think covid in a sense has almost made that a little bit better.

Speaker 1: 18:37

where people like stores have stepped up.

Speaker 2: 18:38

Restaurants stepped up well, and I think schools prefer instead of store-bought because it seems more sanitary and allergies a lot of times it's easier because they all list the allergy ingredients um and that's hard and challenging for allergy moms, exactly, yeah, so I mean I think covid really helped in that sense. Yeah, so it's okay that you go by Walmart, publix, kroger, whatever your grocery store is, and pick up the pre-made cupcakes, cookies, brownies, whatever. Yeah, not a bad thing.

Speaker 1: 19:10

No, the last one I think and moms are probably like, oh yes, it's coming is our kids are all going to go on a break. So if you have newborn and stuff and that's you know you're, it can fill your home, you know, if you're on maternity leave or whatever, and you know daycare is closed, school's closed, what do we do with our kids to maintain our sanity.

Speaker 2: 19:30

Well, just realize your sanity is probably not going to be at full capacity. Yes, so just go ahead and have your expectations lower. Uh capacity, yes, so just go ahead and have your expectations lower. Uh-huh, and your tolerance tolerance is going to be lower. Expectations are lower, that's okay. You got to meet yourself where you're at, kind of thing. So, but figure out too. You know, are there fun things that you want to do with your kids? You know, incorporate those fun activities in there. But if you feel yourself just like I can't get ahead, I can't get everything done that I need to get done, and you just you can even say okay, I have such low patience right now I cannot handle this know your triggers, know your triggers, but even then it's okay if you step away from your kids for a minute to get a breather.

Speaker 2: 20:13

Honestly, something that's been super helpful is like little dance parties and your kids love it.

Speaker 1: 20:18

You know, I literally yesterday turned on Shake it Off by Taylor Swift, heck yeah. And me and the boys shook it off and actually like I was seeing something like when you shake your body it does something to like actually your mind.

Speaker 2: 20:29

Yeah, it actually kind of regulates our central nervous system For our kids. Our kids need this too, oh, absolutely. Or.

Speaker 1: 20:35

I saw this one meme. It kids, our kids need this too. Oh, absolutely. Or I saw this one meme it was on instagram the mom was just like laying on the floor but it was like grounding herself and she had the kids and they're like they pretended I think it was around halloween, they pretended to be like zombies or something, and they laid and then they rose up. Yeah, and she's like they don't know. I'm grounding myself. Yeah, because of them but I need it.

Speaker 2: 20:53

Yeah, that's okay, so even if you did tell, them that I mean they're learning.

Speaker 1: 20:56

They're learning how, because it's like no one taught me this please, except for whitney coming in now, and so now we're here to tell you guys, we need tools, but this is going to be a challenging season it is, and that's okay.

Speaker 2: 21:10

We can call it for what it is, so we're going to make it through it, yeah and we're going to do this too, shall pass, listen.

Speaker 1: 21:15

If you guys want more certain event or targeted things like give me a tool for this, send it to us, dm us, follow us on Instagram. Preview Alliance podcast and Preview Alliance Guys we'll be back with more holiday series because you know we got to give you more. Yeah, we do All right, till next time, see ya. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.