Speaker 1: 0:01

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. This is Sarah and we are in our holiday season. This season, whitney and I decided to do replay episodes because these are some of our most listened to episodes and so vital to equip and empower you guys through the stressful holiday season. So, no matter where you are at in life, these episodes are made for you, to help guide you, to support you and know you're not alone. So hang in there. We're are made for you to help guide you, to support you and know you're not alone. So hang in there, we're right there with you. Stay tuned. Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney, and we are in our holidays. So this is hey, whitney, holiday Edition. Hey, hey, okay, you ready? Yes, all right. Hey, whitney, my uncle and I have opposite views on politics and life. He'll always try to start an argument in front of a crowd of room. Any tips on how to avoid this? Seems like uncle probably baits her. Probably loves the big crowd.

Speaker 2: 1:07

I'm going to assume this is Aunt Brenda's husband.

Speaker 1: 1:09

I would say so Okay, yep.

Speaker 2: 1:12

So it's one of those. He is seeking it out is what I'm understanding, by the way this is written it appears he's seeking controversy, he's seeking polarization, he's seeking the drama. He's trying to stir the pot. He wants it, it's not like they're talking and all of a sudden, we're in a heated discussion.

Speaker 1: 1:28

No.

Speaker 2: 1:28

He kind of does it intentionally.

Speaker 1: 1:30

It seems like he knows her triggers or hot topics and he will probably pounce over. You know the cranberry sauce, Got it and let her try to see where she goes, Gotcha.

Speaker 2: 1:41

That's kind of what I was just, I guess, clarifying in, that is, making sure that he is intentionally doing this. It's not just. Oh, we had a conversation, we've got differing opinions. Boom, now we're in an argument.

Speaker 1: 1:51

It really seems like this is a pattern.

Speaker 2: 1:53

Okay. So with this, is, you know, maybe jaded or not, good as this may sound, avoid him Like, make sure there is that physical space and distance. Not saying you can't be civil, you can't say hello, right. But depending on how like the layout of the house is like, if you know that he's going to sit at the table that's in the kitchen, maybe you go sit at the table that's in the dining room, vice versa, try to create that space as much as you can. Now, if he still pursues it and is very kind of intentional or intent with doing that, just say you know what, uncle Bob, I'm just really not okay talking about this right now. Let's just enjoy the holidays. Yeah, if he continues to do that, just say okay, I know that you really want to talk about this. We need to find a time outside of the holidays to talk about it. If you keep pushing me, I'm going to leave because this is not how I want to remember Thanksgiving, christmas, whatever it is Right.

Speaker 1: 2:50

So just really set those physical boundary and then like conversation boundaries. Just because someone says something to you, you do not have to respond Correct, and that does not mean you're weak, you're actually stronger.

Speaker 2: 3:02

You're not taking that bait. You're picking your battles.

Speaker 1: 3:05

And that's okay. We all got to pick our battles, yeah, and especially in already a stressful season, yep, and if you have kids you're trying to get pregnant, whatever it is, you have that extra on you already. That's right. I mean, in general talk about religion politics, it's just sometimes best to like let's not add to it. Correct, when we've already have internal family issues, we don't need to just bring out more, because people are so divisive now and they're like split.

Speaker 2: 3:36

I hate to say it like, our devices have made us so confrontational and confident.

Speaker 1: 3:42

Oh my God, the keyboard warriors right and so chances are Uncle Bob over here.

Speaker 2: 3:50

He probably really loves to get in the comment section on social media. He's got an opinion about everything and you know what. We can all have opinions, we can all have our opinions, and our opinions may differ, but I can still be respectful. Exactly that's all we're asking for is respect, and if he's not willing to give that, then you can leave or I always say you know what I really need to go grab a drink, would you like one?

Speaker 1: 4:13

I'll bring one back, you know. Or to say, hey, are you slipping something in his drink, sarah?

Speaker 2: 4:18

I thought about it the way you said that I was like what's coming back in that drink?

Speaker 1: 4:24

you know, you never know what you got to do here. It's a surprise. It's a surprise, but you're gonna be, I think, knowing that this is ahead, it's good. And if you're listening to that, you're like, oh, I don't think I have to deal with that. Well, in case you ever do, you now know to set those boundaries and just say hey, I want to enjoy this meal.

Speaker 2: 4:41

Right, let's have this conversation another day, exactly Like we can set up a day and time and we can talk about it and we can be civil about it. Yeah, however, christmas or Thanksgiving or Hanukkah get together Like that's not when we're going to do that.

Speaker 1: 4:54

We're not going to do that.

Speaker 2: 4:55

And that's okay, and also I don't want my kids to witness that. No, and that's the thing I want my kids to see healthy conflict, healthy conflict resolution and problem solving. I don't want them to see me and my uncle going head to head on something.

Speaker 1: 5:10

And you like fixing to stab him with a fork. I mean, we just don't need that, no, so I think that we're all going to probably encounter something.

Speaker 1: 5:17

Oh, yeah, because people are already on edge during this season. I mean road rage, right? I mean, we're all at our tipping points, so this is not surprising. Yeah, but I think she'll be good. Set your boundaries and tell your uncle another day, another time. That's right, okay? Hey, whitney, my mother-in-law is insisting that my soon-to-be-born son call her mom. No, ma'am, I wish I was kidding. She sees nothing wrong with it and I know this will come up during holidays. Help me shut this down.

Speaker 2: 5:50

I, I don't, I don't know I I'm a little floored just because and I I understand this, as your mother-in-law wants your son, who's not born yet, to call her mom exactly and and not you mom. Uh-huh, I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to have her own special grandma name.

Speaker 1: 6:11

But mom ain't it.

Speaker 2: 6:12

But, mom, is not it that you are mom, uh-huh, and that if she wants to be mama, sure Uh-huh, she can be grandmommy? I mean anything like that, gigi. What, yeah, gigi, my mom is honey.

Speaker 1: 6:26

Glam mom, whatever you want to call her.

Speaker 2: 6:29

Like just her being called mom is not okay. And here is one where I would actually get your husband to help you, because I did see this where it talks about if there's conflict on your side of the family, you go address it. If there's conflict on your husband's side of the family, he goes and addresses it. And I really do agree with that, because we do know our families better we do, and so they are more likely to listen to us. We can have those conversations, we can have that reconciliation, have those conversations, we can have that reconciliation. So I would talk with your husband and say you know what? I'm not okay with your mom being called mom by our kid. That's just not appropriate. And have him come in and do that.

Speaker 2: 7:16

Now, if she comes to you and says, oh, so-and-so said that you didn't want your son to call me mom, I don't see the issue with it. And that's where you may have to be firm and assertive not mean, but firm and assertive and say that's accurate. I am not okay with that. It goes beyond just a discomfort. Feels incestual, yeah Well, and it's just. It's an overstepping of boundaries, it's inappropriate and that you know. If she wants a special grandma name. That's fine, but it's going to be a grandma name and not mom, mama or mommy, just it's not. No, no, no, no. Shut that down. And here's the thing, if it comes up after baby is born.

Speaker 1: 8:00

Cause, you know it. You know it will nip it in the bud then and there yeah, you know, the only thing I had experience with this was my mother-in-law had said my baby, how is my baby?

Speaker 1: 8:14

yes, oh that drives me and I said you're 40 something, six foot seven baby. I said he's okay, you can call him yeah. And she's she's like what do you mean? I said no, no, no, that's, that's not your baby, that's my baby, correct? Your baby is a real man. And she's like oh, I didn't know, you didn't like that. And I was like no, I don't like that. It didn't rub me the right way, probably didn't handle it the right way, but you know, it is what it is now. It is what it is. So I think, when it comes to your kid, you grew, you delivered, you had the right for what that child is around, what they call people, who they see, and I think even goes to this if she ain't gonna respect you yeah then you have a right to say if you're not gonna respect my wishes and boundaries here, it puts pause to how we go to continue this relationship oh, absolutely yeah because then it goes into it's a little thing, right.

Speaker 1: 9:15

Even she may be like oh, it's just a name, but it's like, what's if your kid has an allergy later on, right? And you're like I do not want her going to x because this peanut butter allergy and I know this is there, correct, and she takes the kid or what's. If it's like, don't do x, yeah, and she pushes it because she doesn't respect your boundaries, yeah. So start early and stand strong on that one, and god Godspeed, friend, because yeah, that's a terrible situation to be in. And your husband needs to nip it.

Speaker 2: 9:48

Yeah, get his help, get his support.

Speaker 1: 9:50

Uh-huh. Yeah and other families should be saying no, no, no.

Speaker 2: 9:55

No, and you can even say that you know you wouldn't want your mom to be doing that that way they understand that you know the playing field. It's even.

Speaker 1: 10:04

Yeah, okay, no, all right On to a different one. Hey, whitney, my baby's only two months old. I'm not ready for her to be passed around or, honestly, in large crowds. Fair, any tips to navigate this?

Speaker 1: 10:17

I mean, so we are in holidays and our babies that have just been born rsv is, you know, nikkyou babies, even if you're not nikkyou, I mean, especially if we're early, we're compromised medically. Germs, colds, you know it's exactly, it's so much. So, basically, a common cold us can kill a baby. Oh yeah, so you're not being extreme, you're not being whatever here. So what I did is I just didn't go when I was about to say. I just didn't go and I said my pediatrician recommended we do not be allowed around large crowds in small spaces.

Speaker 1: 10:59

You know, during covid we all had a good excuse, you know, know we were isolated. But then even after that we still kind of hug on to that.

Speaker 2: 11:07

Yeah, and it depends on your comfort level, like how big are the family? Get togethers, is it you, your significant other? And like your parents?

Speaker 1: 11:16

Yeah, is that a crowd that you're comfortable with, versus like 30 people?

Speaker 2: 11:19

Exactly. It depends on your comfort level. So if it's a smaller, of like six or less people, that's when you set the rules of. You have to be well for two weeks. Do not kiss the baby. End of discussion. No wiggle room. Do not kiss my child. Do not kiss them on the face. Do not kiss them on the head. Don't kiss them on the back of the neck.

Speaker 1: 11:39

Don't kiss their hands. What do babies do? They put it in their mouth, exactly Don't kiss their feet.

Speaker 2: 11:43

No, Because even if you have an older baby that can actually get foot to mouth you don't want that to happen, because they're still going to have a weaker immune system. Yep. So figure out, are you okay with a small get together? Set the boundaries of no kissing. Set the boundaries of you have to be well for two weeks. If you're going to hold the baby, you have to wash your hands.

Speaker 1: 12:06

So say you have to go. I did this trick with James. Yeah, you got to go, you don't want to go? Yeah, it's fine, baby wear. Oh, yes, put that baby on you.

Speaker 2: 12:16

Yeah, get you a good wrapper, a good carrier.

Speaker 1: 12:19

And so like, because people think babies and their instinct gets to grab it's to touch.

Speaker 2: 12:25

Drives me nuts.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Especially older generations. They want to hold the baby, pass the baby. You know, I remember I had somebody tell me oh, we've passed all your cousins' babies and I'm just like that's different. It's great Fine.

Speaker 2: 12:38

But you're not mine.

Speaker 1: 12:38

And also.

Speaker 2: 12:39

I'm a different person. I'm not them, uh-huh.

Speaker 1: 12:41

So I, baby wore, and it just was like I did have people be like are you going to take him out? And I was like no, no, no, I'm not, I don't have to. And if you're out in public, I will say this is a trick too. If you keep on the car seat, you baby says do not touch, your germs are too big for me.

Speaker 2: 13:06

Put that sign, because people, people are crazy they'll come out in public and try to touch your baby. I mean, just like when you're pregnant they'll try to touch your belly and they don't know you. Thank god for covid in some ways, because that was one thing. My first baby was not a covid baby, and I remember vividly being at the grocery store and this old lady came and just started rubbing my belly. Isn't it weird?

Speaker 2: 13:21

it is because is because I don't know that lady Still to this day don't know her name and I just looked at her and I said what are you doing? She goes oh, I just can't help myself. I said well, you need to. It's called a physical boundary, exactly. No one asked you to do this, especially me, because I hated people touching my stomach.

Speaker 1: 13:35

I had patients do that when I was still bedside nursing pregnant, and I remember one day I specifically stepped way back because I saw his hand and he's like I just need to feel your aura and I said no sir, no sir, and I and I, so I said excuse me, and I stepped out of the room and I brought back one of my male co-workers and I was like you're just gonna be here present for this, because we've already.

Speaker 1: 13:59

I said you're not gonna touch me yeah and if you do it again, then I remove myself from this situation.

Speaker 2: 14:04

It was wild, yeah, but then COVID hit and no one touched my belly in public. And then we had one of those little canopies that went over the car seat.

Speaker 1: 14:11

Everybody loves little canopies In the winter. It's great Now in the summer babies can overheat.

Speaker 2: 14:18

I was about to store with the stroller. Nobody would just come up and lift the canopy. But if I didn't have the canopy, they would get all up in there, and so, if it is a temperature controlled canopies are a great way to kind of have that physical barrier for so many reasons.

Speaker 1: 14:36

Ivy. You just cannot assume people have COVID since.

Speaker 2: 14:41

No, no, we can assume they don't have it.

Speaker 1: 14:43

So don't feel bad. Set your boundaries, Baby wear. If you have to go, say no, Blame it on your pediatrician. If it's your husband's family, your boyfriend's family, your partner's family, have them say yeah, we're not okay with this. We have to protect our baby. It is RSV season. We're not comfortable with that.

Speaker 2: 15:01

We will catch y'all in the new year or you know, again break it down into smaller groups. We'll FaceTime you.

Speaker 1: 15:09

Well, whatever, yeah, I mean, I would just say know that, however you handle it, you ain't wrong, correct? So, and if someone has an issue with that, that's on them, not you. Yes, so so do what's best for your baby, because no one else is going to do what's best for you and your baby, but you okay. Hey, whitney, I have a hard time saying no holidays. I find myself running everywhere and realize I'm not serving anyone or myself. Any people, please, or help?

Speaker 2: 15:35

apparently I submitted this question did we write this?

Speaker 1: 15:38

I did okay, apparently I could tell her about her childhood too, if she would like. But we won't go. Well, that's another. We'll save that, that's a.

Speaker 2: 15:47

So I feel this because I do have a hard time saying no, I am a people pleaser, I know that We've been far. I mean, I'm well aware of my faults with that.

Speaker 1: 15:57

Try to work on it.

Speaker 2: 15:58

Yeah, working on it. It's progress over perfection, right now.

Speaker 2: 16:02

So, with this, ask yourself do you really have the capacity to do something? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something? Now, I get it. If it's at work and you're given another assignment, that's kind of a different ballgame. If we're looking at extras, like Christmas parties, can you do a PTO thing? Can we bring this and this and this or stuff like that? Ask yourself do you have the capacity for it? Do you want to do it? Do you want to do this? If you don't, don't.

Speaker 1: 16:37

I can tell you half the things I did last season I was like I don't want to do.

Speaker 2: 16:41

Uh-huh, and when my husband was at church as a youth minister, I felt like they owned our calendar for the month of December. It was miserable.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Well, the schools own your calendar. You know, this whole month and between early dismissals, class parties plays, all the things, all the things Work, parties, and heaven forbid, we get notice. Yeah, no, no. So you know, saying no feels really hard at first. It is hard Because it's a gift, like how we're ingrained.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Yeah, but again ask yourself do you want to do this? Do you have the capacity for it mentally and physically? Think of it almost like a budget. Yeah, okay, if you have a budget. Let's just say you're going to go buy a new car, your budget is $25,000. Let's not go looking in the 50,000s. Okay, exactly why in the world are you going to go look at this top of the line luxury vehicle that's $75,000? You don't have the means for it. And so ask yourself the same thing when it comes to holidays and going and doing Do you have the means for it? Do you want to do it? If the answer to either of those is no, then just say I'm so sorry, we can't make it. I appreciate the invitation. Yep, you don't always owe somebody an explanation. You could just say we can't make it.

Speaker 1: 18:08

We have a conflict.

Speaker 2: 18:09

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 18:10

And that's okay, that's okay.

Speaker 2: 18:13

We can't be all things to all people. No and guess what?

Speaker 1: 18:15

Everybody's going to have a conflict during this time. I'm sorry, but they are, and that's fine, and also your conflict could be your mental health.

Speaker 2: 18:24

So that's okay. It might make your anxiety go through the roof.

Speaker 1: 18:28

There are some situations. There are the holidays that for sure make my anxiety go through the roof, oh yeah. That I'm just like I don't want to do this. No, so you don't have to. So the first thing is looking at yourself, looking at budget, your mental health, your time, your abilities, and then realize saying no is okay. Exactly, saying no to something is actually saying yes to something better.

Speaker 2: 18:51

Correct, yes.

Speaker 1: 18:53

So if you need to reframe it and be like, oh, this, no, feels so negative, right, like you know, rest.

Speaker 2: 19:00

Well, and especially in the South, we're always taught to be there for others to serve others to do all the things and so no doesn't feel like something we can do. We don't feel empowered to say it and do it. But remind yourself again if you don't have the capacity for it, you are allowed to say no. And the more that you say no and recognize your own personal boundaries, the more empowered you will be to say no in the future.

Speaker 1: 19:27

It'll get easier. I mean, it really will. It's like you got to put your mask on before you help others. Right so you're saying yes to you having a better you. You're better for your kids, your spouse, your work, whatever Exactly. So reframe, and it takes progress. The holidays are hard.

Speaker 2: 19:42

We all feel under pressure.

Speaker 1: 19:43

Okay, last one. Hey, whitney, holidays are always triggering to me. After my oldest was born on christmas day in a traumatic fashion. I noticed the whole lead up. I fell off and no one understands it. And I get this this is hard I feel that I still feel this way. I've been over at this about my kids birthdays, right, and then everybody's like, oh, they're turning older, what you guys? Do exactly like I'm just like gosh.

Speaker 1: 20:10

It's a really hard time for me it is yeah so I can't imagine for, like you know, christmas where it's in your face, it's in your face and it's in your face for so long. People start playing christmas music after halloween.

Speaker 2: 20:22

Oh, that drives me nuts.

Speaker 1: 20:23

you know, here comes the lights, here comes the christmas and this mom would have probably I mean, it's her best but worst day of her life. Yeah, I've taken it, her or her child probably almost died.

Speaker 2: 20:35

Yeah, it sounds like that the things were very imminent, uh-huh. And so to this mom you really need to give yourself time to grieve, yeah, because that labor and delivery didn't go how you thought it would. It didn't If there was, you know, near-death experiences. You do need to grieve that. You need to grieve that maybe your child has health complications now after delivery or a developmental delay, or that Christmas doesn't. Christmas always feels kind of tainted or stained because of this. So give yourself time to grieve. Christmas doesn't always have to be happy and joyful, the way it's honestly marketed to be it is marketing.

Speaker 1: 21:16

Let's go back to it.

Speaker 2: 21:17

It is.

Speaker 1: 21:17

This is a marketing, this is a consumer.

Speaker 2: 21:20

It's all about propaganda Driven money.

Speaker 1: 21:22

Yeah To us to feel expectations of perfection and for us to make the magic that we got to go big, go all out. It's a marketing scheme that social media has taken to the hundredth factor.

Speaker 2: 21:38

So to this mom, I mean definitely during the month of December, but very specifically on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I know we have a million things going on here I am adding to your to-do list, but I really need you to get up like 10 to 20 minutes before you think your kids are going to get up. I need you to take that time to grieve, to process, to cry. You know that it's a hard day anyway. There's already going to be the sensory overload, there's going to be overstimulation. There's going to be overstimulation. There's going to be all the things. So give yourself 10 to 20 minutes of quiet to process that. You desperately need to process that.

Speaker 1: 22:20

Because, I mean, I can tell you from personal experience if you don't process it, it will constantly come up.

Speaker 2: 22:27

And I've processed it.

Speaker 1: 22:28

I did amdr therapy for trauma. I mean I had traumatic births and I still you know your body doesn't forget, so like it's even like you feel more tense, you carry that and seek out professional help.

Speaker 1: 22:43

Absolutely, I would say, if you're not in therapy, get in therapy, schedule your therapist leading up right after and it don't expect other people to get it because they don't um and I think I looked for validation for how I felt from other people who had no idea what I experienced and it felt very people who can give you that empathy and validation felt really shameful and dismissive and it it wasn't their intentions. Yeah, no, not at all it wasn't, it's just they couldn't relate, so you're going to have to go through this process, yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:17

And it's not a pleasant one.

Speaker 1: 23:19

No.

Speaker 2: 23:20

But we can call a spade a spade. You can be prepared that it's not going to be pleasant. Yeah, take that expectation off yourself that you're going to sail through the holidays unaffected by this. Yeah, you, I think, but you should be affected. How could?

Speaker 1: 23:32

you not? Because if you're not, then I'm going to say there's something bigger at play that we haven't addressed yeah. So just know too. But I think now I'm at a point where I know certain dates are going to be hard for me. My family knows, my friends know, and that's okay. Yeah, exactly, that's my friends know, and that's okay yeah, exactly that's okay, like I've accepted it.

Speaker 1: 23:52

I don't try to make it go away, right, but I've done the work and you know I never forget going through the trauma therapy. It felt like reliving the trauma because you do in the process so you almost I get the hesitation because you don't want to go through it again because it was so bad exactly but you have to go through it to put it away. So again, seek out help, take time for yourself, call a spade for what it is.

Speaker 1: 24:18

It's a hard season and it doesn't even just have to be a traumatic birth, like it could be the death of someone, it could be a divorce, it could be an anniversary of anything that was a car wreck. It could be Exactly. You remember hospital admission Something from your childhood? Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 24:36

Holidays, just highlight it, or that Christmas doesn't look or feel like how you thought it would. Because, honestly, when we get older and we realize that we're the magic makers, yes. Sometimes we get a little jaded with Christmas and we don't enjoy it like we did when we were kids. Yeah, because we're the ones doing it.

Speaker 1: 24:52

So all these are valid and we're all going to go through something similar, so we hope this hey Whitney is insightful, helpful. Keep sending us questions. You guys can DM us on Instagram, our premium mobs. You have a direct link to hey Whitney on every email and inside your dashboard. So till next time, guys. Merry Christmas y'all. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.