Previa Alliance Podcast
There are few experiences as universal to human existence as pregnancy and childbirth, and yet its most difficult parts — perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) — are still dealt with in the shadows, shrouded in stigma. The fact is 1 in 5 new and expecting birthing people will experience a PMAD, yet among those who do many are afraid to talk about it, some are not even aware they’re experiencing one, and others don’t know where to turn for help. The fact is, when someone suffers from a maternal mental health disorder it affects not only them, their babies, partners, and families - it impacts our communities.
In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Sarah Parkhurst and Whitney Gay are giving air to a vastly untapped topic by creating a space for their guests — including survivors of PMADs and healthcare professionals in maternal mental health — to share their experiences and expertise openly. And in doing so, Sarah and Whitney make it easy to dig deep and get real about the facts of perinatal mental health, fostering discussions about the raw realities of motherhood. Not only will Previa Alliance Podcast listeners walk away from each episode with a sense of belonging, they’ll also be armed with evidence-based tools for healing, coping mechanisms, and the language to identify the signs and symptoms of PMADs — the necessary first steps in a path to treatment. The Previa Alliance Podcast series is intended for anyone considering pregnancy, currently pregnant, and postpartum as well as the families and communities who support them.
Sarah Parkhurst
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; Founder & CEO of Previa Alliance
A postpartum depression survivor and mom to two boys, Sarah is on a mission to destigmatize the experiences of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), and to educate the world on the complex reality of being a mom. Sarah has been working tirelessly to bring to light the experiences of women who have not only suffered a maternal mental health crisis but who have survived it and rebuilt their lives. By empowering women to share their own experiences, by sharing expert advice and trusted resources, and by advocating for health care providers and employers to provide support for these women and their families, Sarah believes as a society we can minimize the impact of the current maternal mental health crisis, while staving off future ones.
Whitney Gay
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; licensed clinician and therapist
For the past ten years, Whitney has been committed to helping women heal from the trauma of a postpartum mental health crisis as well as process the grief of a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. She believes that the power of compassion paired with developing critical coping skills helps moms to heal, rebuild, and eventually thrive. In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Whitney not only shares her professional expertise, but also her own personal experiences of motherhood and recovery from grief.
Follow us on Instagram @Previa.Alliance
Previa Alliance Podcast
Previa Playback - Hey Whitney Holiday Edition!
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Join us with Previa Playback this holiday season! Join Sarah and Whitney as they get candid about their own experiences navigating tricky family dynamics around the holidays. From tussling with relatives over politics to setting boundaries with confrontational kin, they shed light on it all. They even tackle an unusual scenario involving a grandmother-to-be who insists on being called "mom" by her soon-to-be-born grandson, and how you can peacefully address such peculiar situations. So, tune in for a hearty chat over a cup of hot cocoa, and remember, it's okay to put your needs first!
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Holiday Season Boundaries and Conflict Resolution
Speaker 1Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast . This is Sarah and we are in our holiday season . This season , whitney and I decided to do replay episodes because these are some of our most listened to episodes and so vital to equip and empower you guys through the stressful holiday season . So , no matter where you are at in life , these episodes are made for you , to help guide you , to support you and know you're not alone . So hang in there . We're are made for you to help guide you , to support you and know you're not alone . So hang in there , we're right there with you . Stay tuned . Hey guys , welcome back to Preview Podcast . This is Sarah and Whitney , and we are in our holidays . So this is hey , whitney , holiday Edition . Hey , hey , okay , you ready ? Yes , all right . Hey , whitney , my uncle and I have opposite views on politics and life . He'll always try to start an argument in front of a crowd of room . Any tips on how to avoid this ? Seems like uncle probably baits her . Probably loves the big crowd .
Speaker 2I'm going to assume this is Aunt Brenda's husband .
Speaker 1I would say so Okay , yep .
Speaker 2So it's one of those . He is seeking it out is what I'm understanding , by the way this is written it appears he's seeking controversy , he's seeking polarization , he's seeking the drama . He's trying to stir the pot . He wants it , it's not like they're talking and all of a sudden , we're in a heated discussion .
Speaker 1No .
Speaker 2He kind of does it intentionally .
Speaker 1It seems like he knows her triggers or hot topics and he will probably pounce over . You know the cranberry sauce , Got it and let her try to see where she goes , Gotcha .
Speaker 2That's kind of what I was just , I guess , clarifying in , that is , making sure that he is intentionally doing this . It's not just . Oh , we had a conversation , we've got differing opinions . Boom , now we're in an argument .
Speaker 1It really seems like this is a pattern .
Speaker 2Okay . So with this , is , you know , maybe jaded or not , good as this may sound , avoid him Like , make sure there is that physical space and distance . Not saying you can't be civil , you can't say hello , right . But depending on how like the layout of the house is like , if you know that he's going to sit at the table that's in the kitchen , maybe you go sit at the table that's in the dining room , vice versa , try to create that space as much as you can . Now , if he still pursues it and is very kind of intentional or intent with doing that , just say you know what , uncle Bob , I'm just really not okay talking about this right now . Let's just enjoy the holidays . Yeah , if he continues to do that , just say okay , I know that you really want to talk about this . We need to find a time outside of the holidays to talk about it . If you keep pushing me , I'm going to leave because this is not how I want to remember Thanksgiving , christmas , whatever it is Right .
Speaker 1So just really set those physical boundary and then like conversation boundaries . Just because someone says something to you , you do not have to respond Correct , and that does not mean you're weak , you're actually stronger .
Speaker 2You're not taking that bait . You're picking your battles .
Speaker 1And that's okay . We all got to pick our battles , yeah , and especially in already a stressful season , yep , and if you have kids you're trying to get pregnant , whatever it is , you have that extra on you already . That's right . I mean , in general talk about religion politics , it's just sometimes best to like let's not add to it . Correct , when we've already have internal family issues , we don't need to just bring out more , because people are so divisive now and they're like split .
Speaker 2I hate to say it like , our devices have made us so confrontational and confident .
Speaker 1Oh my God , the keyboard warriors right and so chances are Uncle Bob over here .
Speaker 2He probably really loves to get in the comment section on social media . He's got an opinion about everything and you know what . We can all have opinions , we can all have our opinions , and our opinions may differ , but I can still be respectful . Exactly that's all we're asking for is respect , and if he's not willing to give that , then you can leave or I always say you know what I really need to go grab a drink , would you like one ?
Speaker 1I'll bring one back , you know . Or to say , hey , are you slipping something in his drink , sarah ?
Speaker 2I thought about it the way you said that I was like what's coming back in that drink ?
Speaker 1you know , you never know what you got to do here . It's a surprise . It's a surprise , but you're gonna be , I think , knowing that this is ahead , it's good . And if you're listening to that , you're like , oh , I don't think I have to deal with that . Well , in case you ever do , you now know to set those boundaries and just say hey , I want to enjoy this meal .
Speaker 2Right , let's have this conversation another day , exactly Like we can set up a day and time and we can talk about it and we can be civil about it . Yeah , however , christmas or Thanksgiving or Hanukkah get together Like that's not when we're going to do that .
Speaker 1We're not going to do that .
Speaker 2And that's okay , and also I don't want my kids to witness that . No , and that's the thing I want my kids to see healthy conflict , healthy conflict resolution and problem solving . I don't want them to see me and my uncle going head to head on something .
Speaker 1And you like fixing to stab him with a fork . I mean , we just don't need that , no , so I think that we're all going to probably encounter something .
Speaker 1Oh , yeah , because people are already on edge during this season . I mean road rage , right ? I mean , we're all at our tipping points , so this is not surprising . Yeah , but I think she'll be good . Set your boundaries and tell your uncle another day , another time . That's right , okay ? Hey , whitney , my mother-in-law is insisting that my soon-to-be-born son call her mom . No , ma'am , I wish I was kidding . She sees nothing wrong with it and I know this will come up during holidays . Help me shut this down .
Speaker 2I , I don't , I don't know I I'm a little floored just because and I I understand this , as your mother-in-law wants your son , who's not born yet , to call her mom exactly and and not you mom . Uh-huh , I would just tell her that you understand that she wants to have her own special grandma name .
Speaker 1But mom ain't it .
Speaker 2But , mom , is not it that you are mom , uh-huh , and that if she wants to be mama , sure Uh-huh , she can be grandmommy ? I mean anything like that , gigi . What , yeah , gigi , my mom is honey .
Speaker 1Glam mom , whatever you want to call her .
Speaker 2Like just her being called mom is not okay . And here is one where I would actually get your husband to help you , because I did see this where it talks about if there's conflict on your side of the family , you go address it . If there's conflict on your husband's side of the family , he goes and addresses it . And I really do agree with that , because we do know our families better we do , and so they are more likely to listen to us . We can have those conversations , we can have that reconciliation , have those conversations , we can have that reconciliation . So I would talk with your husband and say you know what ? I'm not okay with your mom being called mom by our kid . That's just not appropriate . And have him come in and do that .
Speaker 2Now , if she comes to you and says , oh , so-and-so said that you didn't want your son to call me mom , I don't see the issue with it . And that's where you may have to be firm and assertive not mean , but firm and assertive and say that's accurate . I am not okay with that . It goes beyond just a discomfort . Feels incestual , yeah Well , and it's just . It's an overstepping of boundaries , it's inappropriate and that you know . If she wants a special grandma name . That's fine , but it's going to be a grandma name and not mom , mama or mommy , just it's not . No , no , no , no . Shut that down . And here's the thing , if it comes up after baby is born .
Speaker 1Cause , you know it . You know it will nip it in the bud then and there yeah , you know , the only thing I had experience with this was my mother-in-law had said my baby , how is my baby ?
Speaker 1yes , oh that drives me and I said you're 40 something , six foot seven baby . I said he's okay , you can call him yeah . And she's she's like what do you mean ? I said no , no , no , that's , that's not your baby , that's my baby , correct ? Your baby is a real man . And she's like oh , I didn't know , you didn't like that . And I was like no , I don't like that . It didn't rub me the right way , probably didn't handle it the right way , but you know , it is what it is now . It is what it is . So I think , when it comes to your kid , you grew , you delivered , you had the right for what that child is around , what they call people , who they see , and I think even goes to this if she ain't gonna respect you yeah then you have a right to say if you're not gonna respect my wishes and boundaries here , it puts pause to how we go to continue this relationship oh , absolutely yeah because then it goes into it's a little thing , right .
Speaker 1Even she may be like oh , it's just a name , but it's like , what's if your kid has an allergy later on , right ? And you're like I do not want her going to x because this peanut butter allergy and I know this is there , correct , and she takes the kid or what's . If it's like , don't do x , yeah , and she pushes it because she doesn't respect your boundaries , yeah . So start early and stand strong on that one , and god Godspeed , friend , because yeah , that's a terrible situation to be in . And your husband needs to nip it .
Speaker 2Yeah , get his help , get his support .
Speaker 1Uh-huh . Yeah and other families should be saying no , no , no .
Speaker 2No , and you can even say that you know you wouldn't want your mom to be doing that that way they understand that you know the playing field . It's even .
Speaker 1Yeah , okay , no , all right On to a different one . Hey , whitney , my baby's only two months old . I'm not ready for her to be passed around or , honestly , in large crowds . Fair , any tips to navigate this ?
Speaker 1I mean , so we are in holidays and our babies that have just been born rsv is , you know , nikkyou babies , even if you're not nikkyou , I mean , especially if we're early , we're compromised medically . Germs , colds , you know it's exactly , it's so much . So , basically , a common cold us can kill a baby . Oh yeah , so you're not being extreme , you're not being whatever here . So what I did is I just didn't go when I was about to say . I just didn't go and I said my pediatrician recommended we do not be allowed around large crowds in small spaces .
Speaker 1You know , during covid we all had a good excuse , you know , know we were isolated . But then even after that we still kind of hug on to that .
Speaker 2Yeah , and it depends on your comfort level , like how big are the family ? Get togethers , is it you , your significant other ? And like your parents ?
Speaker 1Yeah , is that a crowd that you're comfortable with , versus like 30 people ?
Speaker 2Exactly . It depends on your comfort level . So if it's a smaller , of like six or less people , that's when you set the rules of . You have to be well for two weeks . Do not kiss the baby . End of discussion . No wiggle room . Do not kiss my child . Do not kiss them on the face . Do not kiss them on the head . Don't kiss them on the back of the neck .
Speaker 1Don't kiss their hands . What do babies do ? They put it in their mouth , exactly Don't kiss their feet .
Speaker 2No , Because even if you have an older baby that can actually get foot to mouth you don't want that to happen , because they're still going to have a weaker immune system . Yep . So figure out , are you okay with a small get together ? Set the boundaries of no kissing . Set the boundaries of you have to be well for two weeks . If you're going to hold the baby , you have to wash your hands .
Speaker 1So say you have to go . I did this trick with James . Yeah , you got to go , you don't want to go ? Yeah , it's fine , baby wear . Oh , yes , put that baby on you .
Speaker 2Yeah , get you a good wrapper , a good carrier .
Speaker 1And so like , because people think babies and their instinct gets to grab it's to touch .
Speaker 2Drives me nuts .
Speaker 1Especially older generations . They want to hold the baby , pass the baby . You know , I remember I had somebody tell me oh , we've passed all your cousins' babies and I'm just like that's different . It's great Fine .
Speaker 2But you're not mine .
Speaker 1And also .
Speaker 2I'm a different person . I'm not them , uh-huh .
Speaker 1So I , baby wore , and it just was like I did have people be like are you going to take him out ? And I was like no , no , no , I'm not , I don't have to . And if you're out in public , I will say this is a trick too . If you keep on the car seat , you baby says do not touch , your germs are too big for me .
Speaker 2Put that sign , because people , people are crazy they'll come out in public and try to touch your baby . I mean , just like when you're pregnant they'll try to touch your belly and they don't know you . Thank god for covid in some ways , because that was one thing . My first baby was not a covid baby , and I remember vividly being at the grocery store and this old lady came and just started rubbing my belly . Isn't it weird ?
Speaker 2it is because is because I don't know that lady Still to this day don't know her name and I just looked at her and I said what are you doing ? She goes oh , I just can't help myself . I said well , you need to . It's called a physical boundary , exactly . No one asked you to do this , especially me , because I hated people touching my stomach .
Speaker 1I had patients do that when I was still bedside nursing pregnant , and I remember one day I specifically stepped way back because I saw his hand and he's like I just need to feel your aura and I said no sir , no sir , and I and I , so I said excuse me , and I stepped out of the room and I brought back one of my male co-workers and I was like you're just gonna be here present for this , because we've already .
Speaker 1I said you're not gonna touch me yeah and if you do it again , then I remove myself from this situation .
Speaker 2It was wild , yeah , but then COVID hit and no one touched my belly in public
Setting Holiday Boundaries and Self-Care
Speaker 2. And then we had one of those little canopies that went over the car seat .
Speaker 1Everybody loves little canopies In the winter . It's great Now in the summer babies can overheat .
Speaker 2I was about to store with the stroller . Nobody would just come up and lift the canopy . But if I didn't have the canopy , they would get all up in there , and so , if it is a temperature controlled canopies are a great way to kind of have that physical barrier for so many reasons .
Speaker 1Ivy . You just cannot assume people have COVID since .
Speaker 2No , no , we can assume they don't have it .
Speaker 1So don't feel bad . Set your boundaries , Baby wear . If you have to go , say no , Blame it on your pediatrician . If it's your husband's family , your boyfriend's family , your partner's family , have them say yeah , we're not okay with this . We have to protect our baby . It is RSV season . We're not comfortable with that .
Speaker 2We will catch y'all in the new year or you know , again break it down into smaller groups . We'll FaceTime you .
Speaker 1Well , whatever , yeah , I mean , I would just say know that , however you handle it , you ain't wrong , correct ? So , and if someone has an issue with that , that's on them , not you . Yes , so so do what's best for your baby , because no one else is going to do what's best for you and your baby , but you okay . Hey , whitney , I have a hard time saying no holidays . I find myself running everywhere and realize I'm not serving anyone or myself . Any people , please , or help ?
Speaker 2apparently I submitted this question did we write this ?
Speaker 1I did okay , apparently I could tell her about her childhood too , if she would like . But we won't go . Well , that's another . We'll save that , that's a .
Speaker 2So I feel this because I do have a hard time saying no , I am a people pleaser , I know that We've been far . I mean , I'm well aware of my faults with that .
Speaker 1Try to work on it .
Speaker 2Yeah , working on it . It's progress over perfection , right now .
Speaker 2So , with this , ask yourself do you really have the capacity to do something ? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something ? Do you have the physical and mental capacity and energy to do something ? Now , I get it . If it's at work and you're given another assignment , that's kind of a different ballgame . If we're looking at extras , like Christmas parties , can you do a PTO thing ? Can we bring this and this and this or stuff like that ? Ask yourself do you have the capacity for it ? Do you want to do it ? Do you want to do this ? If you don't , don't .
Speaker 1I can tell you half the things I did last season I was like I don't want to do .
Speaker 2Uh-huh , and when my husband was at church as a youth minister , I felt like they owned our calendar for the month of December . It was miserable .
Speaker 1Well , the schools own your calendar . You know , this whole month and between early dismissals , class parties plays , all the things , all the things Work , parties , and heaven forbid , we get notice . Yeah , no , no . So you know , saying no feels really hard at first . It is hard Because it's a gift , like how we're ingrained .
Speaker 2Yeah , but again ask yourself do you want to do this ? Do you have the capacity for it mentally and physically ? Think of it almost like a budget . Yeah , okay , if you have a budget . Let's just say you're going to go buy a new car , your budget is $25,000 . Let's not go looking in the 50,000s . Okay , exactly why in the world are you going to go look at this top of the line luxury vehicle that's $75,000 ? You don't have the means for it . And so ask yourself the same thing when it comes to holidays and going and doing Do you have the means for it ? Do you want to do it ? If the answer to either of those is no , then just say I'm so sorry , we can't make it . I appreciate the invitation . Yep , you don't always owe somebody an explanation . You could just say we can't make it .
Speaker 1We have a conflict .
Speaker 2Exactly .
Speaker 1And that's okay , that's okay .
Speaker 2We can't be all things to all people . No and guess what ?
Speaker 1Everybody's going to have a conflict during this time . I'm sorry , but they are , and that's fine , and also your conflict could be your mental health .
Speaker 2So that's okay . It might make your anxiety go through the roof .
Speaker 1There are some situations . There are the holidays that for sure make my anxiety go through the roof , oh yeah . That I'm just like I don't want to do this . No , so you don't have to . So the first thing is looking at yourself , looking at budget , your mental health , your time , your abilities , and then realize saying no is okay . Exactly , saying no to something is actually saying yes to something better .
Speaker 2Correct , yes .
Speaker 1So if you need to reframe it and be like , oh , this , no , feels so negative , right , like you know , rest .
Speaker 2Well , and especially in the South , we're always taught to be there for others to serve others to do all the things and so no doesn't feel like something we can do . We don't feel empowered to say it and do it . But remind yourself again if you don't have the capacity for it , you are allowed to say no . And the more that you say no and recognize your own personal boundaries , the more empowered you will be to say no in the future .
Speaker 1It'll get easier . I mean , it really will . It's like you got to put your mask on before you help others . Right so you're saying yes to you having a better you . You're better for your kids , your spouse , your work , whatever Exactly . So reframe , and it takes progress . The holidays are hard .
Speaker 2We all feel under pressure .
Speaker 1Okay , last one . Hey , whitney , holidays are always triggering to me . After my oldest was born on christmas day in a traumatic fashion . I noticed the whole lead up . I fell off and no one understands it . And I get this this is hard I feel that I still feel this way . I've been over at this about my kids birthdays , right , and then everybody's like , oh , they're turning older , what you guys ? Do exactly like I'm just like gosh .
Speaker 1It's a really hard time for me it is yeah so I can't imagine for , like you know , christmas where it's in your face , it's in your face and it's in your face for so long . People start playing christmas music after halloween .
Speaker 2Oh , that drives me nuts .
Speaker 1you know , here comes the lights , here comes the christmas and this mom would have probably I mean , it's her best but worst day of her life . Yeah , I've taken it , her or her child probably almost died .
Speaker 2Yeah , it sounds like that the things were very imminent , uh-huh . And so to this mom you really need to give yourself time to grieve , yeah , because that labor and delivery didn't go how you thought it would . It didn't If there was , you know , near-death experiences . You do need to grieve that . You need to grieve that maybe your child has health complications now after delivery or a developmental delay , or that Christmas doesn't . Christmas always feels kind of tainted or stained because of this . So give yourself time to grieve . Christmas doesn't always have to be happy and joyful , the way it's honestly marketed to be it is marketing .
Speaker 1Let's go back to it .
Speaker 2It is .
Speaker 1This is a marketing , this is a consumer .
Speaker 2It's all about propaganda Driven money .
Speaker 1Yeah To us to feel expectations of perfection and for us to make the magic that we got to go big , go all out . It's a marketing scheme that social media has taken to the hundredth factor .
Speaker 2So to this mom , I mean definitely during the month of December , but very specifically on Christmas Eve . Christmas Day I know we have a million things going on here I am adding to your to-do list , but I really need you to get up like 10 to 20 minutes before you think your kids are going to get up . I need you to take that time to grieve , to process , to cry . You know that it's a hard day anyway . There's already going to be the sensory overload , there's going to be overstimulation . There's going to be overstimulation . There's going to be all the things . So give yourself 10 to 20 minutes of quiet to process that . You desperately need to process that .
Speaker 1Because , I mean , I can tell you from personal experience if you don't process it , it will constantly come up .
Speaker 2And I've processed it .
Speaker 1I did amdr therapy for trauma . I mean I had traumatic births and I still you know your body doesn't forget , so like it's even like you feel more tense , you carry that and seek out professional help .
Speaker 1Absolutely , I would say , if you're not in therapy , get in therapy , schedule your therapist leading up right after and it don't expect other people to get it because they don't um and I think I looked for validation for how I felt from other people who had no idea what I experienced and it felt very people who can give you that empathy and validation felt really shameful and dismissive and it it wasn't their intentions . Yeah , no , not at all it wasn't , it's just they couldn't relate , so you're going to have to go through this process , yeah .
Speaker 2And it's not a pleasant one .
Speaker 1No .
Speaker 2But we can call a spade a spade . You can be prepared that it's not going to be pleasant . Yeah , take that expectation off yourself that you're going to sail through the holidays unaffected by this . Yeah , you , I think , but you should be affected . How could ?
Speaker 1you not ? Because if you're not , then I'm going to say there's something bigger at play that we haven't addressed yeah . So just know too . But I think now I'm at a point where I know certain dates are going to be hard for me . My family knows , my friends know , and that's okay . Yeah , exactly , that's my friends know , and that's okay yeah , exactly that's okay , like I've accepted it .
Speaker 1I don't try to make it go away , right , but I've done the work and you know I never forget going through the trauma therapy . It felt like reliving the trauma because you do in the process so you almost I get the hesitation because you don't want to go through it again because it was so bad exactly but you have to go through it to put it away . So again , seek out help , take time for yourself , call a spade for what it is .
Speaker 1It's a hard season and it doesn't even just have to be a traumatic birth , like it could be the death of someone , it could be a divorce , it could be an anniversary of anything that was a car wreck . It could be Exactly . You remember hospital admission Something from your childhood ? Absolutely .
Speaker 2Holidays , just highlight it , or that Christmas doesn't look or feel like how you thought it would . Because , honestly , when we get older and we realize that we're the magic makers , yes . Sometimes we get a little jaded with Christmas and we don't enjoy it like we did when we were kids . Yeah , because we're the ones doing it .
Speaker 1So all these are valid and we're all going to go through something similar , so we hope this hey Whitney is insightful , helpful . Keep sending us questions . You guys can DM us on Instagram , our premium mobs . You have a direct link to hey Whitney on every email and inside your dashboard . So till next time , guys . Merry Christmas y'all . Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .