Speaker 1: 0:10

Hey guys, welcome to 2025. Happy January and New Year's Previous podcast is back with you guys, Whitney welcome. Hey friends, happy new year. We are ready and new year we are going to work on something that is a huge part of everybody's life and day, and that's our thoughts, Whitney.

Speaker 2: 0:34

Oh yeah, they're always there. Even when we're sleeping, we have thoughts.

Speaker 1: 0:39

And to the point of you know what you think about, even if you can look at a biblical perspective. You can look at just like what neuro research says. You can write whatever which way you want to put it, oftentimes what we think we become or what we think we hold inside of us and it will come out. So this series that we're going to start is based on Dr David Burns Okay, and he wrote the Feeling Good Handbook and he goes through 10 of the most common cognitive distortions so that's a fancy word correct me if I'm wrong, whitney of like ways we think or process that distortions maybe are a little off or distorted.

Speaker 2: 1:22

Correct. Yep, that's exactly what it is. So when you hear the word distortion, go back to the word distorted. So we have an idea of reality because we're living it, but our brain perceives it and then twist it into something different. Now, when I say twist it, I don't mean that like it's maliciously done, because it most likely isn't.

Speaker 1: 1:43

Yeah, and this is. You know, going through this and preparing for this episode was really eye-opening for me, because this is why we always to go back to. It's hard to sometimes know about ourselves, what we do, and things that could have been brought from childhood, taught to us early on. We've adapted to right that. We've had to that unless someone is aware of these distortions too in your life say a therapist or a trusted loved one who's maybe done work themselves, it's hard for you to say, oh, maybe I should think like that, or wait, that's how I respond in a situation. So I think it's a good eye opener and again, this is not to shame, to criticize anyone. Or if you do go, hey, that's my husband, that's my best friend, that's my mom, we'll walk through loving ways that we can process that. But so we're going to go through there's 10. So we're going to hit probably half of them in this episode, in the next episode, you guys, next week we will teach you all about this.

Speaker 1: 2:47

Okay, so the first kind of distortion, thinking or pattern you can start to be aware of is the all or nothing thinking. So that's kind of like. You know, whitney, me and you were great friends but you didn't text me back, okay. So you know, I decide okay, she's mad at me, the friendship's over, I'm never going to have Whitney back in my life. So I think and that's a drastic example, but it's, it's, it's all or nothing Like it's that black or white. We don't like gray Right.

Speaker 2: 3:19

Well, and it's one of those again, there can be so many different caveats that come to all or nothing thinking. It could be something as simple as a misunderstanding. It could be that you're having a bad day and the misunderstanding happens simultaneously. That's life, it's gonna happen. It could be that that's the thinking that you were raised in, parents that were all or nothing, that if you made a's you're the best kid ever. What do you mean? You made an A minus or a B plus. That's not good enough for me. And you're criticized harshly, very harshly, for something that really is not a huge deal. Yeah, really you know.

Speaker 2: 4:01

So we have all of these different elements that kind of play a role in that all or nothing thinking. But if we want to look at it from a maternal mental health care standpoint, then we have to think well, what is their sleep like? Are they running on fumes? Because if you're running on fumes, you're not going to have a great perspective or sense of clarity. You already feel like it's all or nothing because you're getting nothing sleep sense of clarity. You already feel like it's all or nothing because you're getting nothing sleep. Yeah, so I mean, we all know sleep deprivation will make your anxiety and depression worse. It already heightens that. So everything you view is going to be more negative. So it's going to lean more towards that nothingness. That well, what's the point? Why do I even try? I might as well just give up. And that's a lot of self-defeating talk. And it is easy to have self-defeating talk. Our brains really grasp onto negativity.

Speaker 1: 4:54

Right, because I mean in general too, I've noticed this right, like I could tell, somebody could tell me a thousand compliments and they say one negative thing to me. What do I tend to rehash in my mind is that negative comment Exactly Right. So negative is sticky to our thoughts and to our feelings. And that is a big play and I think what's important in this conversation, no matter where you're at. So if you are trying to get pregnant, on the road to motherhood, or just say you're just listening to this and there are situations that's going to arise, knowing, if you go towards these kind of thought patterns and figuring that out, working with a professional, like a therapist that can help you, you know, challenge those thoughts, which we'll talk about more later.

Speaker 1: 5:39

It's a way to fight back from depression and anxiety and burnout and for things to escalate. We're trying to not light a match here to gasoline, we're trying to pull that back. So, again, if you can kind of say you know what, there is instances that I go all or nothing. I don't see the gray, I don't realize life happens, I don't realize my kids are all sick right now. So this is why my reaction is I don't you know, or you know you're right. I don't give my friends a little grace to realize that situation. That is kind of some red flags we're going to say start popping up in your mind to say, am I seeing a situation or my thoughts all or nothing Right, so that I think we all can do that. But it is, how common is that? Is that our go to thought pattern and flexibility? I think has a big play in that too, which Whitney and I struggle with flexibility, so that we're calling ourselves out there.

Speaker 2: 6:40

You type A folks out there. We feel you that would be us.

Speaker 1: 6:43

That's a very difficult thing and I think motherhood you can tend to before motherhood, not be as flexible and like things kind of control a certain way. But motherhood explodes in your life and you have to be flexible or you will break. And I think we see that a lot is. People don't say how hard it is to be flexible. How hard it is to not let it go as planned when the majority of your life you've planned or you love a good schedule.

Speaker 1: 7:11

That schedule can be thrown in the air in two seconds. So that is against. All these come into play. The next one we're going to cover is overgeneralization. So if one negative thing happens, only negative things will continue to happen. And example here your child's preschool teacher sent a note home. You know, hey, please, little Johnny needs to wear sneakers, not sandals. You read this note. You take that as a personal criticism. Right, I'm doing nothing. Right, as a mom, I'm failing. I can't even dress my child right. So it's like all these things now are negative, when truth is you're just like okay, now, I'm aware, you know, I didn't think about that. So it really is not. It's that cascade of one thing equals everything.

Speaker 2: 8:03

Right. Well, and again, when we look at like overgeneralization, it can also be viewed as one thing goes awry in your day and you think the whole day is bad. So, for example, this happened to you this morning you get stuck behind a wreck and you're behind schedule. It's traffic, it's not your fault, it just happens. Right, you got stuck behind it and you're thinking, great, now I'm behind for the rest of the day. Today's just a horrible day. I just need to reset. Like, what is the point in doing anything today, because I'm already off to a bad foot?

Speaker 2: 8:39

Yeah, you know, we can say that it started as a hard day. We can say, yes, you are running behind schedule and the wreck caused you to be late. However, that doesn't mean that the whole day is a loss. It just means that it could take some rearranging, some finagling, and that we have to readjust our expectations for the day. Yeah, that's OK to do that. It's frustrating, but we are allowed to do that because you know what. The whole day is not bad based on one inconvenience or one thing that set everything off in a negative way.

Speaker 1: 9:15

I think too, as parents, we tend to say we go, it's like a weekend with our kids and we've done some fun things and we've had a nice time at home. But let's say it all burns down at the end right Like a tantrum. You've lost your patience, you and your partner get into it.

Speaker 1: 9:31

And you're like this weekend wasn't I was just talking about my weekend and last weekend, but in reality that was a little slither of the weekend. So it happens to us all. But again, if you're in a situation and you look back and challenge that, ok, no, the whole weekend is not. We had a great morning, we've had a great time at the playground, you know, we had really cool snuggles while we, you know, watch Blippi, whatever. So it's again going back and I'm saying, just because one thing's negative, everything's negative, and stop yourself, okay, and then the next one.

Speaker 1: 10:12

We all do this too, to some extent mental filter. You ignore the positives of the situations and focus on the negatives. And I think, again, that is so, like we said, negative is sticky, right, it sticks to us. It elicits a reaction of guilt, of shame, of failure, of criticism all those things right, of criticism, all those things right. So again, kind of back to that past weekend example. You know you focused on the negative and you're ignoring all the positives, right, and you have a hard time balancing life. Normal things that happen. Kids melt, right. You forget things. People get sick, you get behind a car wreck. You send your child into school, you didn't dress on first spirit day number five, because you know it's.

Speaker 1: 11:09

Things happen right, but again it's like what are you, what view are you seeing life in? Right, and is that a constant?

Speaker 2: 11:18

Right. And again, the thing is we should never expect ourselves, or anybody for that matter, to encounter something negative and to not feel the negative impact of that. So again, like getting stuck behind traffic, your kid has a meltdown before school, you forget something that they needed for school, or you know what? Maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and you're kind of in a mood. It happens to everybody. We're human. So the thing is, the goal is not for us to ignore or avoid, maybe, the negative feelings, it's to give it a little bit of space and say you know what it's to give it a little bit of space and say you know what? I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelmed, I'm ticked off, I'm mad at myself, I'm whatever, but that doesn't have to be my whole day.

Speaker 3: 12:06

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:07

That does not have to be my whole day. It's going to be okay when I get to work. I'm going to give myself a minute, take some deep breaths, get my head on straight and try to restart my day there.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Right, so it just it is. It's a good question to ask yourself how, what are you filtering about your day? What are you filtering about how you're doing at your job, are you a mom, your relationship, and just see what you are seeing and what you're ignoring about the situation. And sometimes it is like you know, if you're in a therapy session and say I was telling Whitney about my morning and she would say, okay, but you know, you accomplished this and you did this right, too right, and so sometimes it is having that other person that or you can. There's great worksheets too that you can kind of work through about how your thought process is. But really just being aware, like are you seeing the?

Speaker 1: 13:02

positive and this is something that I wish I would have known these thinking patterns before I was becoming a mom, because, again, like you said earlier, whitney, I'm in sleep depression. You add in your body's changing, you have hormones, you have an identity crisis, are. I don't care if it's your first child or sixth child, it is a life adjustment and if these thought patterns are present and kind of just your day to day, they're going to get worse.

Speaker 2: 13:30

Right.

Speaker 1: 13:31

Absolutely. We don't want that. And then the next one is similar in a way too, but I think women have a hard time with this. We disqualify the positives, we undermine our own positive attributes and qualities. We can't take a compliment.

Speaker 2: 13:48

OK, let me just say this I have a bias because I've only lived in the South, except for a few months when I lived in Nebraska, so I don't have a great idea of what cultural norms are in other areas. However, I think that that is very cultural and spiritually influenced in the South because of church saying you need to be humble, you need to be able to say, oh, it's not that big of a deal, because you don't want to seem like you're imposing either. We're meant to be humble, we're meant to be sweet, we're told to do all of these things. So when someone says, oh, I really like your hair, or that is such a pretty color on you, you're over there. Like what do I say? Deer in the headlights.

Speaker 3: 14:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:30

And instead of being able to say, oh thanks, I really appreciate that. Or you know what? I got this shirty target, like those kinds of simple things Wherever they're like, how do I dismiss this? How do I move on? I don't understand what I'm doing here. So instead of we say oh thanks, it's not that big of a deal, I got it for three bucks at the thrift store. Like we will minimize a compliment so quickly.

Speaker 1: 14:54

Absolutely, and that's hard right Like and even so, you know, in work environments too, right Like, say, someone's like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 15:10

Whitney, you did a really great job on that project, but you and your mind go to. I haven't accomplished so many other things.

Speaker 1: 15:12

I can't take that. I'm getting called out right now, oh goodness, you know, and so you can't see that. Whitney, you did a great job and you deserve that moment of you know. Pat yourself on the back a little bit, right. And if you can't own and appreciate the positive, it gets really hard to when you're suffering with depression and anxiety and life change, because on a good day to day you're not going to do it.

Speaker 2: 15:39

Well, anxiety and depression want to talk you out of that positive. They want to make you feel like you're not worthy of it. That someone told you that, just to be nice, yeah, you know. And that, I will say, is more of a depressive type thing versus an anxious type thing. Depressive is going to be the one to discount it. Always and forever it's going to be the one to discount it. Anxiety is going to be more of oh well, that was nice. How do I maintain that? What do I do? Oh, that called attention to me. Did I really like having that attention?

Speaker 2: 16:13

and you're over there almost panicky, because you don't know how to take it yeah, I think.

Speaker 1: 16:19

Obviously too. It goes back to childhood.

Speaker 1: 16:24

I was just thinking that, yeah, you know you may have never been complimented as a child, you could have been only judged, you know, by your accomplishments, right, you could have been felt like your older sibling or younger sibling always got the praise. You never got the praise All the situations or it could be, I mean the opposite where you were praised so much, right, right. So what do you say? Because I think this is something that we have to generationally break, because we want our children to hear us accept and receive and give, you know, positive, point out the positive, and you have to see the positive. And you know where do we change that thought pattern?

Speaker 1: 17:10

because it's awkward, I mean, it can't feel like you're, you're just like, especially if somebody compliments you, I know, especially for me in front of other people you're, it's like literally you feel like you have to have a reason for that compliment right, you're right, oh well, it was on sale, you know. Or we have to have a reason for that compliment Right, you're right, oh well, it was on sale, you know.

Speaker 2: 17:24

Or we have to justify their compliment to us. Yeah, so with our kids, I would really encourage parents to do affirmations and this is something that we have been doing with our oldest every day in car rider line. It's you are smart, you are brave, you are capable, you are kind, you are beautiful, you are brave, you are capable, you are kind, you are beautiful. And we do that, and it took her a while to get comfortable repeating it in the I am brave, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am kind. Took her a long time to get comfortable with that. Well, now she's at a place where she's like okay, like I can't do that, I am doing better with that.

Speaker 1: 18:11

Yeah, and so affirmations are huge. We should say that to ourselves too, right. And then to your point of you know some people feel about when you bring in the religious content. You know you can always, if that's important to you, you can adjust that affirmation, you know like through.

Speaker 1: 18:23

God I am able to do all things right, or through whatever you want to, can adjust that affirmation. You know like through God I am able to do all things right, or through whatever you want to put in that before statement there. But there is, you know, affirmations of saying it out loud and sometimes you have to say it for your mind to believe it and you have to constantly rewire it. Because we talk about neurons, sometimes about these thought patterns, right, we for 15 decades have had these thought patterns right. So automatically our brain is going to say, oh, I can't take a compliment. But if you, like Whitney said, start switching to I am, or you know I can do hard things, or you know I did a good job, simple things. To start saying it out loud, you will change those pathways.

Speaker 2: 19:06

You will.

Speaker 1: 19:06

And it will not feel like you're going, like you want to crawl out of your skin, which can happen.

Speaker 2: 19:12

Well, and we are literally rewiring the brain. Yes, we are rewiring the brain, and you know the thing is too, it doesn't always come back to our parents. Sometimes it does, sure, but the frontal cortex is not fully developed until we are about 26, 27 years old. So it could be a grandparent, it could have been a coach, it could have been a boss in your early adult years, could have been a pastor too, where they're like well, you need to be humble, you don't need to gloat, and all those kinds of things. So then you have that little voice in the back of your head that's like oh, I really I can't see that I did a good job on this project, or on this paper, or at the basketball game, or fill in the blank, whatever it may be, because we have almost been programmed to not do that, but it's actually having some pretty detrimental effects.

Speaker 1: 20:02

A hundred percent it is. And I think our thoughts. What's great about our thoughts, right, is that they're thoughts and they can be changed, they can be challenged, they can be, you know, replaced with a more positive thought. It's just no one before I suffered from postpartum depression, anxiety, had ever told me, sarah, you know these are thought patterns that are not maybe common, but they are not helpful to you or they are going to accelerate you into depression or anxiety or comparison trap. Right, so to even say, and sometimes you just think the way you think and you're like, well, I guess everybody thinks this way, right.

Speaker 1: 20:45

But it's again to draw attention to unhealthy patterns and that you don't have to always discount yourself, you don't always have to see everything black versus white. You don't always have to see the negative and assume the negative is going to occur. So again for some healthy thought patterns, retraining cognitive behavioral therapy, which Whitney does every day, day. In think a certain way, or do I react a common way, or you may be thinking about someone in your life going OK, they always are doing this. So this is a conversation starter. We're going to be back next week with part two to finish it out, the thought patterns and then we'll give you some more helpful tips. Out the thought patterns and then we'll give you some more helpful tips. But really this if you take nothing else from this conversation is that you do not have to be victim to your thoughts. You do not have to let your thoughts control your life, if you can change those thoughts.

Speaker 2: 21:57

Absolutely, absolutely we can.

Speaker 1: 22:00

So all right guys. Next week part two. So turn in, we'll see you then.

Speaker 3: 22:04

See ya, maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.