Thinking Patterns in Motherhood

Speaker 1 0:10

hey guys , welcome back to preview alliance podcast . This is sarah and I'm with whitney and we are in our thought series whitney . We last week covered the first set of thoughts and for , if you're tuning in listeners and you're what are she even talking about ? We are talking about Dr David Burns , the Feeling Good Handbook , the 10 Most Common Cognitive Distortions , which we learned last week . But we'll catch you up to this week that those are thought patterns or thought ways that are going back to that root word distorted .

Speaker 1 0:45

Distorted , so not necessarily the way we want you to be thinking , and it is something that you're doing intentionally , but your brain has this way of twisting things around .

Speaker 1 0:52

So we were called out last week . I bet we'll probably be called out this week , which is fine , but the first one that we're going to go to which , I think , as moms , I think , as you know doing what we do and you know , being in a space , we can jump to conclusions , oh yeah , and the jumping to conclusions can come in different forms . Right , it could be that someone's late so they've gotten a rap and you know they've died . Or it could be I haven't heard back from someone so they're mad at me , or I've done something to offend them . Or it could even be like you know you go somewhere , like you're in your group party , you know your kids have a zillion things . Go to class party , you do something , you see another group of parents and you assume that they're judging you or based on something you've done , but you quickly jump to something that is really kind of unfounded , right , but your mind keeps you going down that road , right .

Speaker 3 2:00

Yep . So it really sounds a lot like intrusive thoughts and worst case scenario thinking too . Yeah , especially if we're looking at the newly postpartum mom . Again , we've got sleep deprivation going on , we've got this rapid and significant change in hormones , so that's going to kind of make things worse . So that's going to kind of make things worse . But also , motherhood can be isolating . So when we look at that example of they didn't text me back or they didn't call me back or you know things like that , we think , well , they just don't want to be with me because of the baby . And then some resentment can start in motherhood because we have ruined my life by doing this , because we think I've ruined my life by doing this , when really maybe that person got tied up at work , their kid got sick , they read it , they thought they responded and they didn't hit send .

Speaker 3 2:54

I mean all kinds of very minor surface level reasons for that . But also it makes me wonder about this person's like self-worth , like , maybe they're not worthy of that reciprocating .

Speaker 1 3:08

Or it's like I don't even want to be around myself Right , or she doesn't . Either . Right , or I don't see myself as worthy , like you said , or you know , and so you have to challenge yourself . It's like , okay , you could fit into this box and many different ways of jumping to the conclusion right , is it ? Everything's going great , you're sleeping , you've got the handle on life and you're still jumping . Then we need to talk through that . Or is it like you've had a ?

Speaker 1 3:36

you have a really hard go with it right and from any which way path you are on motherhood . But I think one thing most people forget about I do myself is the majority of time other people are so caught up in what they're going through , and everybody is going through something .

Speaker 1 3:57

There is not one person that I know that does not have a challenge going on , and just because you don't see it , you haven't heard about it . There's a lot of things at play . So assumptions about people , as the saying goes , can make an ass out of you and me , right ? So try not to assume , right , because , again , majority of people have good intentions and it's just about what they're like . You know , I know there's probably a couple of text messages now that I need to reply to , or emails from this week that I have thought about full intention .

Speaker 1 4:36

It's just things have popped up and I try to mind myself because then , when I'm on the other end of that , yep , I have to say you know , sarah , remember you have this person in the inbox and that person you text back and you those . Because then , when I'm on the other end of that , I have to say you know , sarah , remember you have this person in the inbox and that person you text back and those people are important to you Absolutely . It's life . So I think that is different levels of jumping to conclusion . And if you always assume the worst case scenario , always assume it's going to end up like ER , they've wrecked , that is definitely something we want you to start talking to someone about , because that level of anxiety and fear and like intrusive thoughts that is going to come into play , especially in motherhood , that you're going to feel like a prisoner in your own mind .

Speaker 3 5:23

Well , and oftentimes when we think about someone who has severe worst case scenario , thinking like they've died in a car accident because they're three minutes late , you know . That makes me wonder if there's a trauma source or a trauma root . Have they lived a worst case scenario ? So now , worst case scenario is the automatic assumption worst case scenario .

Speaker 1 5:47

So now , worst case scenario is the automatic assumption , and that is something I can say . I felt during all my pregnancies and all my deliveries . And I did remember this one physician they asked me . They said , well , why would you assume worst case , Sarah ? Because I pretty much said , hey , I'm pretty sure this is what I'm dealing with here and it was like , well , that would be worst case scenario . Why would you assume that ? And I said because the worst case has always happened to me , and from the miscarriages to the traumatic birth . So you're spot on , as normal , Whitney is like you , my brain was , neurons were like well , it happens every time .

Speaker 3 6:19

Geared or accustomed to it .

Speaker 1 6:21

It just felt like natural to assume that , and I just now and still am working through assuming which that was pregnancy involved . So now that I'm through that stage of life , I haven't seen that as much in my thinking , but it definitely was just almost like status quo to me . So , very oddly and I think relationships can be like that too right , if you've always been cheated on or abused or , you know , just treated this way your whole life from different relationships , then that is almost what you expect and you react to .

Speaker 3 6:59

Yep Absolutely , absolutely .

Speaker 1 7:02

That is a very important thing . That , again should be worked through with a counselor or a therapist . Now the next one magnification and minimization . It's similar to what we've kind of talked about in the past episode too , but I think an interesting thought of this one is so big moms do this right , like going on a beach trip . We're doing that , we're going somewhere , we're packing up for the weekend . Okay , we've literally done everything , we've arranged everything , we've packed all the things , we've made the reservations , but we forget one thing yep , and all you can see is I can't even do that right , or I'm a failure and you really really I have ruined vacation because I forgot one pair of flip flops .

Speaker 3 7:55

I really take it the green ones and not the blue ones .

Speaker 1 7:57

Uh-huh , and of course that's the one your kid's going to want and you're going to hear about it .

Speaker 1 8:01

But it really is taking that magnifying glass onto that one thing and you're going to hear about it , but it really is taking that magnifying glass onto that one thing and you're minimizing , you're just really pulling back and you're missing all the things which we again go into mental load right that if we don't see sometimes a task that we're physically doing , we discount the mental things that we're doing . That is super heavy and reality is we have high superwoman expectations on ourselves .

Speaker 3 8:30

Oh , absolutely Well , and I think social media in society really pushes this super mom , pinterest mom , bounce back culture where we're supposed to be able to do it all without a hiccup , and that is actually what we call high functioning anxiety . Yes , you know , I sent you that meme or that graphic the other day and I was like , oh look , it's me . And it talked about someone who is punctual , someone who is always put together , someone who tries to be well-spoken . They're viewed as a team leader , as a hard worker , like we see all of this on the outward shell of it , but on the inside you have someone that's like well , I can't be late , because then that's going to let everybody down .

Speaker 3 9:10

And if I'm not put together , then I don't represent myself in my job very well . But if I don't stay on top of my projects , well then I'm going to get fired . And then how am I going to keep a roof over my kid's head ? Like , we have that side for the high functioning anxiety , so to have this like magnifying glass on , we have to be able to do all the things all the time for all the people . Number one is not realistic . Number two it is an expectation that society pushes on us and it is absolutely toxic . Right ?

Speaker 1 9:42

A hundred percent and it's . You know it goes back to juggling balls , right ? Glass balls versus bouncy balls . And you have to decide in your life what is those glass balls that if they drop and they break that's the issue versus a bouncy ball that's going to bounce right back up . And looking at that in that mindset , and then , if you've never looked at life that way , and then you have kids , you are going to start dropping balls .

Speaker 3 10:09

Oh , absolutely .

Speaker 1 10:10

It happens . It happens , but I really do think it is . We don't give ourselves grace right . We don't give ourselves credit for the things we do . Well , that becomes so part of our routine that you know the biggest , like I always say this . It's like you know the biggest , like I always say this . It's like you know , if a mom gets sick or a mom goes away , all the things that she does to keep that house and their family in motion , when you have to ride it out or someone else has to do it for you , that's really sometimes a good point for everybody to look back and go oh my gosh , she does it all and you do it all all day long and you do it tired , you do it sick that you don't even credit yourself for what's become routine .

Speaker 3 10:55

Right , absolutely Well , because it's what we call micro decisions . You know , like making the kids breakfast . Okay , that's not a huge decision because my kids are seven and four , so they can tell me that they want Apple Jacks or pancakes or eggs for breakfast . They're telling me at this stage what it is that they want , but guess who has to remember to get those things from the store .

Speaker 1 11:17

Whitney .

Speaker 3 11:18

Yes , I have to be the one to remember it at the store , and heaven forbid , I forget the Apple Jacks , because then it's anarchy , because I wronged them , because I forgot the cereal . It doesn't matter that we have three boxes of Cheerios . That is irrelevant . Irrelevant Does not matter to the four-year-old .

Speaker 1 11:40

The people will riot . The people will riot over the Apple Jacks . But I love your point about the micro decisions too , because I don't think we ever look at life that way . But it totally is right . It's even like your kids . What are they wearing ? Do they need a jacket ? Do they not ? To the ? Do I have everything I need To ? When do I ? Should I get gas ? Before or after work ? Should I ? You know , like all those little tiny things and some of these , like you know , I always find it fascinating . Some of these large , powerful , you know , founders and businessmen , they'll like wear the same thing basically every day . And when they're asked about this , they say I make so many decisions a day , so many multitask decisions , picking out your clothes . I do not give any of my brain energy to that and I wear the same thing every day . So when I wear the same thing a couple of times a week , I say you know what I'm saving that micro decision for something else .

Speaker 3 12:38

Yeah , and regardless of if you agree with him politically or not , Barack Obama is a really good example of that , Because when he was president , he was like I either have a Navy suit or a gray suit . Those are my choices . I have the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day . And when he said that I was like wait a second , You're on to something Earth shattering Consistency .

Speaker 1 12:59

When that's something I have started is like what can be so routine and set up for my success that I'm not taking those thoughts , because I mean we're getting a zillion thoughts and I mean just the fact . I mean I don't know if you guys , as kids , have group me's or not for your classes , where it's like a parent communication system .

Speaker 3 13:19

We were good at work at the hospital and I wanted to burn it down .

Speaker 1 13:23

Well , I was going to say if you have a group me , I'm right there with you . If you're getting those communications and why , they're great . But that mental overload that I mean I am fine of eating the same turkey sandwich every day for lunch because that group me chat can take me down . They're all inscribed like I can't think . So that is truly , I think , a good way to say make your life easier . And if you are minimizing and magnifying things , go back and see how many many tasks you're doing , how many many decisions you're making and give yourself a grace . So that was a good , that's a great one . Okay , ooh , emotional reasoning you base your view of a situation on yourself or others , how you're feeling , versus reality .

Speaker 3 14:09

Can I tell you this is such a common discussion with clients . It's so common and to give people reassurance , just because you make a decision based off of your emotions does not mean that you have something like borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder or anything . You may not have a diagnosis , Okay .

Speaker 3 14:30

We feel emotions strongly because that is our brain and our intuition trying to make sense of things .

Navigating Emotions in Decision Making

Speaker 3 14:39

It is , you know , so to , I guess , throw out a real life example of mine was a few years ago our dog Haley was starting to decline . I had actually taken her in for her yearly exam and this was during COVID , so I couldn't actually go in with her . But they brought her back out to the car and they said , well , have you noticed such and such spots on her ? And that they're yay , round and all this . And I was like , well , there's the one on the back of her leg , but you know , it's been there for a long time , Hasn't really grown . We've brought her in . Nobody really seems that alarmed . And they said , well , have you not noticed the other spots , like all over her rib cage and stuff ? And I was like , well , no , no , I haven't . And so it was .

Speaker 3 15:19

Basically we were left with the decision of a super invasive surgery on a 10 year old dog , or , you know , terminate , essentially not on a timeline , but that would be . You know what we got to . And when I got home and I was telling my husband about it , I was so emotional and all the things I remember two days later he goes . I think we need to do it tomorrow . And I was like tomorrow , absolutely , and I mean my emotions flew all over me because the thought of doing something so big and so permanent was very heavy . And I mean my emotions flew all over me because the thought of doing something so big and so permanent was very heavy . And I understand he was also making a decision out of his emotions too .

Speaker 3 15:54

So it was a really difficult time , a really difficult time . Not to mention , my youngest was five or six months old , so I was still very much postpartum , very postpartum , so you have that thrown in the mix too . So I wanted to make the decision based on my emotions of no , no , no , I'm not ready to euthanize yet . No , no , no , it's not Haley's time . No , no , no .

Speaker 3 16:18

And he was like no , like she's getting worse , she's starting to decline . So , again , we can make decisions based off of emotions , and that doesn't mean that we're bad or that we're wrong or that we have a diagnosis out there . It means that our feelings are trying to guide us . However , when we notice that we are always high emotion when making decisions , even if it's not a big decision , like euthanizing your pet , even if it's not a big decision like who are you going to marry , and things of that nature when it's smaller things and you have big emotional responses . That tells me that your parents never taught you how to regulate your emotions and how to try to sit down with your pros and cons list and have a logical approach .

Speaker 1 17:05

Yeah , and I think too , you know , if you never learned to control your emotions , right , you may have done this in your life . And now motherhood or you're pregnant has happened , right , you have tons of hormones , you have so many life changes , you're sleep deprived , all the things , right . It is really hard to say this is a now thing versus my reality , versus you know , I think again I'm feeling depressed . This is a temporary , right . First , I am a good mother . My depressive thoughts are telling me I am not a good mother , but this is a temporary thing . I have this under control , right ?

Speaker 1 17:42

You can't say that because you don't know how to say that in that moment if you've never been taught what emotions are and regulation and what depression is , to even know depression is a condition or anxiety . What is anxiety ? Because I think the whole point of this discussion we really want to say to people is like you have been maybe living this way , or this has come upon you and no one's ever helped you point out and say that is . You know that's a negative thought and this is not your reality . You will get better , or , whitney , this is a very heightened emotional time for you right now .

Speaker 1 18:18

You know what . This is not the time to make a life or death decision . This is you know so I think it is , if we have . This has been kind of like our autopilot response , Yep I don't know how to get off Right .

Speaker 3 18:31

Well , you know , rewind back to a few years ago when both my grandfathers died and my father in law died , all right there , within a few months of each other . I just remember telling my husband I was like we don't need to make any decisions Any time , like we don't need to trade the cars , we don't need to trade the cars , we don't need to sell the house , we need to avoid any big thing . For a while , because I knew I was in no mentality to make a decision , not a sound one , not one where I didn't have some type of a bias or like a skewed perspective .

Speaker 1 19:03

And it's okay to say in this point of life I'm suffering from grief . I am having a huge life change . I'm pregnant . I am experiencing postpartum anxiety and depression . I had a traumatic birth . I'm still working through that . I need to put my energy into healing that part and getting better .

Speaker 1 19:22

And you know it's not the time to move , it's not the time to talk about the career . It's working on you and that's okay . And again , just seeing it as a long-term picture versus a closed in which happens to us all , and having someone in your circle to say , really , I mean , grief is so hard for you right now , or this is so hard for you and you are trying to recover . Let's work on how to deal with these emotions and then let's make that big decision . But if a big decision has to be made , that is definitely where you want to tap in to resources and help . And don't make that alone to help you see past it , because I mean I'm probably going to say this wrong , but it's like you can't see . You know , the tree for the forest , the forest for the tree , right , like that whole view , right . That happens with emotions , especially in postpartum and pregnancy .

Speaker 3 20:14

Absolutely . How could it not ?

Speaker 1 20:16

How could it not ? That's you can't . Now the next one . I'm going to go ahead and just say we do this . Whitney Shit statements .

Challenging Negative Thought Patterns

Speaker 1 20:26

You give yourself a list . Society gives yourself a list . You your , whatever your upbringing , where you live , what your job is , what your persona is , what you want to be as a mother . You have should . I should be doing this to be a good mother . I should be doing this to be a good wife . I should be doing this to be a good therapist . Right , were not made to do at all . And who said where are these shoulds coming from ? Where's this told ? Where's this like magic equation of all these shoulds equals a mother , equals a wife , equals a successful person .

Speaker 3 20:59

Well , and I think so much .

Speaker 3 21:00

I think millennials are kind of this really odd generation where I would say a decent portion of us I'm going to say maybe about 40% of us grew up with either a mom that was able to stay home or work part-time hours , so she was there a lot of the time .

Speaker 3 21:21

So we really had this view of well , my mom is home , my mom doesn't have to worry about taking off work when I get sick , my mom is able to cook and clean when I go to school during the day , so then she can be there and be present with me and not be doing chores while we're all home together .

Speaker 3 21:38

So we have that persona of it . But now , when we look at our generation , we've also been pushed to be boss babe , to climb that career ladder because we have pushed for these women's rights and I am not against that whatsoever , I am not but we have two very different perspectives and values and them trying to mesh is actually more of like a collision and it's turning into an explosion because of said collision , because we can't be the stay-at-home mom or mom that had a part-time job that we saw our mom doing and simultaneously climbing this career ladder and maintaining a household and maintaining a marriage and being able to call up work when my kid gets sick without there being repercussions or guilt . It's like we want to be able to be a mom without worrying about work and work like we're not being a mom . And it doesn't work that way .

Speaker 1 22:44

It does not mesh and it starts , I think , very early . You know like a good girl should do this , a good or a good student does this , or a good athlete does this . Or you know you get early on your value and worth can kind of be tied to things you do and how you present yourself or what you accomplish , or what you accomplish when you really who you are should be rooted in . You know your values and if that aligns with your religion or that you know your culture , whichever way . But that is really not what society is Like . It's not what you accomplish as a person and who you are .

Speaker 1 23:24

But it is hard when you see other people , other moms , other women , other relationships looking a certain way , not to think like you know I should be this or my child should be this . It gets really , really difficult . So I think the next time you're like , well , I should be doing that . Who said that and where does that align with your values ? And again it goes back to you have to prioritize things that mean value to you and your kids and sustaining , versus what society says . And we've said this before . But social media is a lie . It's a comparison trap . It is a highlight of people's day .

Speaker 1 24:04

When you see someone even out at the store for five minutes . That's a glimpse in their day , in their life .

Speaker 3 24:09

That is not .

Speaker 1 24:10

So really remind yourself . The only should statements that matter is what aligns to you and your beliefs and your values , not society .

Speaker 2 24:18

Yeah .

Speaker 1 24:19

Labeling and mislabeling A way to basically say you call yourself negative names .

Speaker 3 24:24

Right .

Speaker 1 24:25

And I think it's something that a lot of people do . Oh yeah , and they may not even be like , naturally , that you may not be like , well , I don't call myself a loser , well , no , but it may not be that . It may be not that , but maybe you miss your child's soccer game because you had a work thing , or your other kid had something , or you know something was going on and you're like , you're like I'm a bad mom . You know , are those bad ? Those negative self-talk starts coming Right .

Speaker 3 24:51

Yeah Well , and I think it's easy for us to hone in on the negative because I think we hold ourselves , and society does , to those unrealistic standards and so when we don't meet those standards or expectations , we feel like a failure . So then it's easy to internalize and absorb that and that's a huge component of anxiety . I don't know if anyone that's listening has watched Inside Out 2 , but they do a good job of depicting anxiety , of how there's this fear of failure or this fear of being viewed as negative . So I'm going to go and do all these different things to try and avoid that , but then I actually create a bigger mess by overcompensating .

Speaker 1 25:33

Yeah , and I think you have to be very careful again with self-negative talk or self-negative thoughts in the sense of I'm a failure , I'm not a good mom , can't even do that , right , or you know , because again the negative sticks right and then that common thought power will keep going . So you have to challenge that and you have to say you know what ? I am a good mom , right , so you know I may have missed that soccer game . I'm going to show up to the next one . Not all parents are able to make everything . That does not define me as a good mom , right , it is okay . So you have to talk back to that .

Speaker 1 26:07

But it is so sometimes natural to us to put ourselves down in some way of our thoughts if we didn't do it perfect , that you don't realize you shouldn't be doing it Right , absolutely . You criticize and blame yourself if things go badly in a situation that's not in your control . So take , for example I was late this morning because there was a wreck and literally things went . You know it took over an hour , when it usually takes 15 minutes , you know , to 20 minutes , and I think we do this too , especially in the postpartum phase . Right , it's like you , your baby was up all night . Yeah , I wasn't doing something right . I couldn't get the baby to sleep . It was my fault , my fault , right ? I'm not a good mom . I can't like now our whole day . And it's like .

Speaker 1 27:02

The reality is , sometimes you can do everything perfect and a baby's just not going to sleep , or they have a bad night . I mean us as adults . Sometimes I just don't sleep as well as I did the night before . No thing is there . So I think it is saying we tried our best . A lot of things are not in our control . What is in your control versus not in your control ?

Speaker 3 27:23

Yes , absolutely .

Speaker 1 27:25

And I think , we think a lot of things are in our control . That's not .

Speaker 3 27:29

Oh , absolutely Well . And again , as type A's , we really like to control the situation . It calms that anxiety component . So when , especially in postpartum , when we don't have control over the situation , we start to panic , that anxiety skyrockets and we start to again internalize and think what am I doing wrong ? Why can't I control this ? Well , you can't control traffic .

Speaker 2 27:53

No .

Speaker 3 27:53

You could not have foreseen a wreck and thought , oh , I need to leave my house 30 minutes early . Well , you know what ? If you had left the house 30 minutes early , the wreck may not have happened yet and you're at pickup or drop offline way long before it starts .

Speaker 1 28:07

Yeah , that's the thing is . I think control is such an illusion , right , that we tell ourselves that we have and we think we do , and loss of control is scary . And again , personalization kind of helps us go back to it . It's like you know self-sabotagers , right , they will sabotage , so they have control over the situation , even if they don't even know they're doing it right , but it's like I will determine that outcome by something I do to either end this .

Speaker 1 28:36

So it's very similar , but we really hope that going through these thought patterns has helped you kind of say huh , maybe I do think that way and next time this happens we want you to take note of it , Make a little jot in your journal , Say okay , this is the situation , this is how I kind of responded , this is what I thought . And then when you go to your therapist or when you're talking to someone in your support , that's saying do you notice , I do this Work on it .

Speaker 1 29:03

You don't have to stay thinking like this , and Whitney sees this day in and day out . So thinking like this and Whitney sees this day in and day out , so this is common . You're not alone in this , and people get better with it . So I think it was a great start of 2025 to cover thought patterns , because we're going to challenge them and we're going to change them as the year comes .

Speaker 3 29:24

Absolutely .

Speaker 1 29:25

Okay , guys , thank you . We'll be back with you guys next week . See you then .

Speaker 2 29:33

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges , as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms . You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time . Please know you're not alone on this journey . We're here to help .