Introduction to Pregnancy Rage

Speaker 1 0:10

hey guys , welcome back to Prevalence Podcast . This is Sarah and I'm with our favorite therapist , whitney . Welcome Whitney , great friends . So Whitney , today's topic . We have talked about anger and rage in postpartum , but we have recently got some questions about anger and rage in pregnancy .

Speaker 2 0:30

Right . So there's a lot of reasons this happens . One , you know if it was an unplanned pregnancy , so you have kind of that shock or that surprise factor going on and you know , with that can even be some grief and we all know like kind of a subset of grief , or a symptom of grief , if you will , is anger , frustration , irritability , that lack of control feeling . So there

Causes of Anger During Pregnancy

Speaker 2 0:55

could be some of that at play . Just again , that grief process that someone could be experiencing .

Speaker 2 1:01

Hormones we cannot ignore that . And while I'm not the biggest fan of blaming everything on your hormones because I feel like that gets scapegoated quite a bit or women get gaslit with that sometimes we can't ignore like that rapid increase of progesterone and estrogen being hard for us to manage . Yeah , they talk about like crying over the cat food commercial when you're pregnant . How could that be any different than like you stub your toe and all of a sudden you're screaming and cussing and you're like that's not me , it's kind of the same thing . Those hormones are just at a much higher rate than what we are used to them being normally .

Speaker 1 1:39

You're right , right . The typical thing is like , well , you cry more or it's more sensitive , but it's like you are physically changing so much to physical discomfort . I remember , especially in the third trimester towards the end , physically to walk , to get up if you're chasing another child or if you're demanding a job , or even in the first trimester , right , where you can be so sick , so fatigued , you just there's nothing , like it's the still scary game of like what's going on and you haven't maybe had an ultrasound yet or you've , you know , you've had a loss before , you've got a lot of things going on , and then it is kind of sometimes like the straw that breaks the camel's back . I guess it's like I'm throwing up , I'm miserable .

Speaker 1 2:19

And then X happens and then I yell or I throw something , or . I've said this before . I remember in postpartum like my rage , remember one time it just was like a flood of emotions hit me Actually not proud of this , but I'm full transparency . He took a remote , chucked it against the wall and it was not a situation that would be equal to that reaction .

Speaker 2 2:42

Right , the reaction was an overreaction to the situation .

Speaker 1 2:47

Yeah , and I explain to people . I'm like exactly what we said earlier . I was like whoa scared me , shamed me , guilted me , what's wrong with me ? And I think people don't talk about being angry in pregnancy or postpartum because we're again . Society tells us we are supposed to be blessed , we're supposed to be joyful , we're supposed to do it all . We're the superheroes , yeah , so what other things about anger

How Anger Manifests Differently

Speaker 1 3:15

do you see ? You know , I think it's pregnancy , postpartum , raising children right that anger presents in different ways for different people , right ?

Speaker 1 3:23

so some people suppress anger and some people are burst .

Speaker 2 3:27

So as far as like seeing the anger or feeling the anger , like you said , we're going to see some of those outbursts and it could be just like a hairpin trigger . All of a sudden someone is yelling or they throw something or they stomp or they're huffing and they're puffing . You see the outward symptoms of that . But then you look at somebody who might be irritated that their husband didn't load the dishwasher or you know there was an inconvenience , things of that nature , and they keep it in and what we see with that is resentment and bitterness and at some point it has to come out . You know we talk about our body storing trauma , things of that nature .

Speaker 2 4:06

If you're not actually processing that like you might end up with like stomach troubles or headaches , neck tension , really stiff muscles , things like that . So when you notice , oh , I'm a little angry with my spouse and you don't know why , might be because little inconveniences have built up , up , up , up up , and then they say , oh , I don't really want to do tacos tonight . Why don't we do Chick-fil-A instead ? And you wanted those tacos . You have been thinking about them all day and them having a different opinion set you off because you feel dismissed and all of these other things . But it's because that bitterness and resentment has just built up and then we might see some sarcasm or some snippiness . That's where we see some other outwardness of it .

Speaker 1 4:52

You know anger in general right , and I think anger and yelling and outbursts is very tied to people with their triggers of if they've experienced physical , sexual abuse , if they've been verbally abused you know so for them to then may experience that , or be that person who's now getting or throw something or be like I can't do this anymore . Or you know you say something you shouldn't have said to someone , or you're driving in the car , someone going slow and you find yourself just maybe get out of my way . I think you do start going down a pathway where you don't want to share , and I think that's the whole goal of a lot of our conversations is transparency , bringing awareness . And what's the next step if I am experiencing this ?

Speaker 2 5:37

Correct . Yeah . So the next step would be figuring out how can I let these

Practical Tools for Managing Rage

Speaker 2 5:43

things out without it being explosive . So again , me personally , I do better with saying stuff out loud voice journaling . That's going to be great , because you actually feel like you're physically getting it out of your body and then you can delete it . If you need to write it out , that is perfectly fine too . If you feel like that irritability , frustration , anger towards a specific person , writing a letter that you may or may not give them , but getting those things out that way when you do need to address something , it's not explosive .

Speaker 1 6:14

Yeah , and I think I'm hearing moms because I've said it to myself too it's like I don't have . You know , whitney , I would love to have time to sit down . I can't even think two sentences . I feel like , or you know , I think I'm just really overwhelmed , or , you know , I'm so sick in this pregnancy or my body . You know , I'm on bed rest and I feel this resentment . You know there's a lot of things that we can control versus not control , and we've talked about that before . You know there's a lot of things that we can control versus not control , and we talked about that before .

Speaker 3 6:44

And I think really to anger , is it's ?

Speaker 1 6:45

never really that person that's slow driving , right ? It's not the tacos versus Chick-fil-A , right ? It's diving deep and pregnancy . We always say this is like suitcases of stuff we bring in , Right ?

Speaker 2 6:56

Absolutely Same thing with motherhood , where you know our child may do a behavior and we feel so triggered by it . Well , chances are that's because as a child , we were not allowed to express ourselves in that way or we were reprimanded for that , so we feel the need to do the same Right .

Speaker 1 7:13

So much of our history plays a role in that too in that too , and then in the moment so let's say someone's going okay , that's me , or I recognize that I'm experiencing more short-temperedness , or I'm quick to kind of snap back or hit that horn a little too much Right In that immediate moment do you help clients . What do you coach through ? If that stop pause , or is it counting ? What is some tools that they can start putting in their toolbox here ?

Speaker 2 7:43

So if it's one of those again you're having your day and you stub your toe and you're just oh , or you're screaming or whatever . That's when you say and I always tell people exhale first through your mouth , empty your lungs , get that out and say , okay , I'm frustrated , this hurts , I'm inconvenienced . This is just my last straw , because I maybe didn't sleep well the night before , because we know sleep deprivation plays a role in our moods , or it was really hard to get out the door this morning , or I was late to work because I got stuck by a train or whatever . Say the things out loud that are bothering you , if you can , and say but it's okay , frustration is not a bad thing , it just feels uncomfortable . So , calling it for what it is .

Speaker 2 8:29

So get that , exhale out . Do some deep breaths if you need to . The next step would be can you get a wet paper towel , or can you get to a sink or get something cold ? Splash that on the back of your neck , splash that on your face , whatever you need to do If that's not accessible to you , do you have sanitizer lotion , a candle , something like that , near you ? You can breathe that in and start working on some of those tactile grounding skills that we mentioned .

Speaker 1 8:57

I love that . You know I was thinking back and it's like , even walking , I think , something simple as taking a pause . Now , granted , if you're a small kid around , you're at your job , but if it is a situation where you feel it coming up , or I can tell sometimes , even if I have anxiety in my body just a two minute walk , there's something about that movement , right , so helpful to me and to remove yourself out of that space . You know , if it is the kids and your guys , it's just one of those days where nobody can be happy . We all have those days as moms , you know .

Speaker 1 9:29

They always say that . You know you get them outside or you get them in water , right . So it's like you take a bath , you take a shower or you get outside . And for me I've I've noticed too like a lot of irritability , the anger . It gets better if I have a regular , if it's walk , or like weights . Whitney's a runner , we all know whitney , right , and maybe we'll never be running marathons together , but I cheer her on . It is the . I think that like sometimes it you know you have to lift something up or do it to get your nervous system almost reset .

Speaker 2 10:07

I was just thinking that , like , if you

Physical Impact of Anger on Pregnancy

Speaker 2 10:09

do water outside , it's the reset . Yeah , in sunlight sometimes we need some sun and it's like it goes , basic too .

Speaker 1 10:17

It's like have you ate today , have you drank water today or have we chugged 10 coffees ? And you know , what do you need today ? Yeah , yeah , those little irritabilities that you know , I think . Yeah , pregnancy it probably started where you never really think about it , I think , until the hormones are happening and maybe there's this great condition need . But , like you know , have you ever had those days ? You're gosh , my hair just needs to get up . It's like weighing on me .

Speaker 1 10:43

That sensory overload . Yeah , and I think that comes into play because now you know smells probably bother you more if you're pregnant . Right , your discomfort . You're now planning for a new person that you're going to be responsible for . And again , who does that ?

Speaker 2 10:56

responsibility fall on , responsible for ? And again , who does that responsibility fall on the moms . Because moms they prepare for pregnancy and pregnant it's you know , don't eat this , don't drink this , make sure this is in moderation , make sure you do this . So it's a whole lot of demands for us , physically and mentally , to do that . Well , then comes the newborn stage . Who , more often than not , is the one looking into , like the developmental milestones , how often is my baby supposed to be changed and fed , and all of these different things Like ? Who , more often than not , is the one looking into , like the developmental milestones , how often is my baby supposed to be changed and fed , and all of these different things Like how long did they sleep for that nap ? Did they even nap ?

Speaker 1 11:28

Yeah .

Speaker 2 11:29

Things like that . Have you been able to put your baby down without them screaming ?

Speaker 1 11:33

And I think that's too . It's very important in pregnancy that if you are starting to see the signs of anger or anxiety or depression , you get ahead of it . And that is our biggest thing is 50% of postpartum depression anxiety actually starts during pregnancy . So these are the conversations . It's not shame and it's very common . But just because it's common doesn't mean that we should just accept it right .

Speaker 1 12:01

You're supposed to struggle without help , Right ? That is where I think it gets lost . In transition it's like , well , I did it and I struggled . But look at me now , but it's like I don't want you to struggle .

Speaker 2 12:12

You don't have to this way , we don't have to be miserable .

Speaker 1 12:16

No . So it is shameful , though , to admit . I mean , when I chucked that remote control , I was just like have I become a monster , you know ? And I think my husband's face was like are we ever coming back from this , you know ? But it's one of those things that it is hard to say , I feel . You know and I learned , you've taught me this . So one of the parts of depression is anger . Oh , absolutely yes . And so people might be like well , I never thought depression and anger go together . How does that work ?

Speaker 2 12:48

Well , as far as depression and anger going together , more often than not , if someone is struggling with depression , they also experience a lot of feelings of loss of control , which can make you feel sad . But at the same time , there's anger because , well , why can't I control this ? Why was that control taken away from me ? You know , there's maybe some feelings of unjustness going on . It doesn't feel fair , it doesn't feel just . Why do I have to deal with this ? So with that sadness of I don't have X , y and Z that I want . Well , now I'm mad because life took it away from me , yeah , or life threw on all of these extra responsibilities on me and I was just trying to get my head above water .

Speaker 1 13:30

And I think too , you really do feel I mean pregnancy and delivery of the child right , that's on the mom , that's on you . No one can , no one could take that away , the responsibilities or the physicality of it or just the heaviness of emotions . And you do sometimes see everybody living their lives and you're just going on and it can feel lonely , it can feel isolating , and it does . You know , day after day can be hard and I definitely have been there and experienced that . But still being grateful , I get that this always comes in . Two things can be true at the same time .

Speaker 2 14:05

Right .

Speaker 1 14:06

Absolutely . I want this baby , I'm excited this baby , but this is super hard and today you know this was the thing that caused the anger and I actually looked up it . It's not really well studied , which it's not a shock when it comes to moms , mental health , pregnancy , postpartum , trying to get pregnant , but they do say that about 24 to 31% of pregnant postpartum moms will experience the anger and rage . And what they were stating to as well is that anger outbursts and we're not saying one time , we're saying , you know , kind of consistent angrily outbursts have led to it's rare but placental abruption . So there is consequences that come through it .

Speaker 1 14:48

They said outward anger and inward anger , so kind of that outburst like I'm getting out , I'm yelling , I'm throwing , versus inward , I'm holding it in , I'm getting bitter , like I feel that inside of me , just like story that has been shown with research to have growth delays in the baby and disorganized sleep patterns . Interesting , yes , because several of the research that I was studying on this was saying but I'm just like you know . So if we know these have these negative outcomes , why aren't we talking about being angry and when it gets to a point and what moms can do and how we can talk about it ? And that was an N-word now talking about again . The N-word is associated with cardiovascular morbidity in general in society and that is something women in general they're finding out too . If it's postpartum depression , anxiety , maternal mental health complications . If we've experienced that later on in our lives , we are at greater risk for cardiovascular disease .

Speaker 2 15:48

I can see that , and also our hormones play such a big role in that too . Because they talk about how often women , once they're in menopause , that their risk of heart disease or heart complications increases because of the drop in estrogen .

Speaker 1 16:01

Yep , so it is crucial that I think , if we're knowing these complications , let alone is we don't want people to be going through this alone , not having help . So we've went through the tips , but when would you say to a client , this is the time to seek professional help ? But that's therapist , or that's a psychiatrist , or talking to OB .

Speaker 2 16:33

What is kind of that situation that would be kind of for you saying , all right , it's time , I would say , if you are starting to observe inward or outward anger more than twice a week without there being an external factor that you can say , that's why I was angry . So if I'm driving home and someone is texting and driving and they hit me , I'm probably going to be angry . Right , I have an external reason

When to Seek Professional Help

Speaker 2 16:48

for that . So me being angry over a car accident because someone was negligent , that would be appropriate . Now , if someone you know just barely dings their car door against mine , should I be screaming at the top of my lungs at them ? No , I'm talking about that overreaction . That is not appropriate for what has actually happened .

Speaker 1 17:11

Just like snapping that growl , that yelling , that it's a flood and that's I've experienced and that's only , and it's just . It's one of those things you're like I would feel that way yeah , and it happens and you're going . You may have never had that before in your life Right , exactly .

Speaker 2 17:25

This may be brand new to you , and so you're standing there like this is not who I am . I don't like this at all .

Speaker 1 17:33

Yeah , and it is . And so , again , just transparency of this will , and we have seen in my own life , I've seen it in many women's lives and so , as Whitney , so it's one of those things you can't sometimes wish away and we need help and to talk about it . So , again , with this information , if you guys are looking for a therapist , we always say psychology today is a great place to start . You can click maternal mental health to see who's specialized in postpartum support , international , you know , and just being open and honest to the ones who are in your support system , to your friends , and if you're going , okay , well , what else ? Because we have a lot of new listeners , what else is maternal mental health ? You can always go back to our episodes and search . We have covered a big spectrum from postpartum depression , anxiety to psychosis , intrusive thoughts . So always , we appreciate you guys tuning in , listening and sharing and we will be back with you guys next week .

Speaker 3 18:28

See you guys . Maternal mental health is as important as physical health . The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables , like anxiety , anger and even apathy . Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay , each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum . Thank you ,