Speaker 1: 0:10

hi guys, welcome back to the preview lines podcast. This is sarah and I'm back with whitney. Hi whitney, hey friends, how are y'all? Okay, whitney? We've not done this one a long time, but I've been gathering the hey whitney questions and, if you're a new listener to us, hey Whitney. Questions are literally that questions that are like hey Whitney, I'm feeling X, I'm experiencing this, the situation happened, advise me as a maternal mental health therapist. Disclaimer Whitney is not giving you medical advice. This is all case scenarios here that you can relate to and we can help guide you into directions you need to go. We all wish Whitney could be our therapist. That's not physically possible for her, but it helps us on a straight and narrow Okay.

Speaker 1: 0:57

So Whitney, first question. Hey, whitney, I love my baby so much but I don't always love being a mom. That makes me feel so guilty. Is that normal?

Speaker 2: 1:08

Yes, because and I'm going to say especially if it's your first, first time mom you love your baby, you are connected to your baby, all those things. But when we become a mom, we really lose a lot of independence and autonomy and sometimes we feel like it is Groundhog Day and it is just the same thing day in and day out and it's very monotonous and sometimes we feel like we kind of lose a part of ourselves during that, and so it's okay that you don't enjoy the motherhood aspect of things, that it's day in and day out. We're tracking those diapers, we're tracking those feeds, we're timing the naps and all of that. We feel like we're just stuck in a rut, whereas even when you go to work and you have a schedule or you have structure with it, no day is the same. Like even as a therapist. I may work the same hours, I may have the same amount of clients in a day, but it's not the same thing that I'm doing, even hour to hour, depending on what the client is experiencing.

Speaker 1: 2:11

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:11

So with that, we're allowed to say motherhood is hard or motherhood is overwhelming, like things of that nature. We are allowed to say that, but we still love our babies. Yeah, we love our babies. We just kind of need a break from the monotony.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Yeah, I mean the hamster wheel right, or I remember thinking, gosh, this is more lonely than I thought it would be. Or I'm bored sometimes when they're newborn, you know where. It's just kind of like.

Speaker 1: 2:36

You felt like you had no adult conversation, or you felt like you forgot how to have adult conversation or you know, I didn't love getting up in the middle of the night and I didn't love sleep deprivation. It goes back to like you have this picture in your head of what motherhood will be like, what your experience will be, what you'll feel All these expectations on yourself and reality isn't like that sometimes. So I say that's very normal and I always say bad moms never worry about being good moms, right like, or you're never feeling that guilt. So the fact that you're coming to this conclusion as a listener is telling me you are a good mom, you love your baby, you're just. You're just dealing with unmet kind of expectations you've placed on yourself or society has. Okay, hey, whitney, I'm a few weeks postpartum and I can't tell if I'm just emotional or something's really wrong. How do I know if this is more than just baby blues? But kudos to this listener for even recognizing there is things called the baby blues.

Speaker 2: 3:35

Right. Well, and I think the timeline is important too. They said they are a few weeks postpartum, so let's kind of throw in that clarifying timeline of baby blues. We can see baby blues be onset in the hospital. We can see that we're crying over things that we wouldn't typically cry over. You know, it's one of those. Like you spill a bottle of water. Yes, very inconvenient, yes, it's annoying, but you wouldn't typically sob over spilling a bottle of water. Right, You're like great, now I have to go clean up something else. Fair enough, but you wouldn't typically sob over spilling a bottle of water right, You're like great, now I have to go clean up something else.

Speaker 2: 4:08

Fair enough, but you wouldn't typically sob In baby blues. We're going to be sobbing over the smallest things. You know it's that old cliche of oh, when you're pregnant you're going to cry over the cat food commercial. Same thing with the baby blues. We're crying over things that wouldn't typically give us that type of a reaction.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:27

And so that is something to be aware of is what is kind of causing the emotions, what would be maybe that root that's taking place there. The other thing is, if you are one to two weeks postpartum, I would lean a little more heavily onto the baby blue side. If we are three plus weeks postpartum, that's when I would lean more towards a postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, potentially OCD, potentially PTSD, depending on was there any type of trauma during pregnancy, labor and delivery, a NICU stay for baby, things of that nature.

Speaker 1: 5:04

Right and I know, you know I I've been looking back and I was thinking about that. I was like I definitely had baby blues. I was more hysterical, like sobbing, but then my depression quickly kind of came into play too as well and it was just like that numbness feeling. I started to feel like no emotion and then just really the dread of like another day. And I think it is really complicated in the beginning to the point of that timeframe of so much. Have you just experienced it? Being pregnant and then like giving birth is one of the most physically emotionally taxing thing, for sure, and you're just like you know, in my knee surgery you get six weeks off, right, and it's like lots of physical therapy and it's a lot of attention, it's a lot of rehab and the moms they've just had this birthing experience. You just gave birth and it's like kick you out the door 24 hours. 48 later.

Speaker 1: 6:00

And it's like there's so many factors at play. So, to the listener, always something to do is to talk to someone, talk to your partner, talk to your family, talk to your OB. Hey, this is how I'm feeling. If it's next week and say now you're officially three or four weeks postpartum, that's something we really want to see. If you can get screened, get anxiety or depression screening Again, go back to your provider. If you have a therapist, a psychiatrist, just be very I think, brutally honest of how you're feeling.

Speaker 2: 6:29

Yeah, it is vulnerable, it is raw, but with that is how we can appropriately treat what is happening.

Speaker 1: 6:38

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:38

I always say you don't know.

Speaker 1: 6:40

Whitney ain't going to know unless I tell her.

Speaker 2: 6:42

Right. As a therapist I can only do with what I'm told. I can kind of assume that there could be more to the iceberg. I could think that there's more underwater. However, again, if I say, hey, what about this? And I throw that speculation out there, if it's denied, then I'm going to assume that I was wrong. I'm going to take that as the redirection of nope.

Speaker 1: 7:07

Whitney, you missed the mark yes, well, keep an eye on how you're feeling and, to this listener, journaling. I think that's always helpful.

Speaker 1: 7:16

Um to write kind of like this is the day, this is what I mean. You're probably already writing down the diapers, the bottle feeds, you know, the doctor's appointments or any medicines you're giving. Just jot jot down how did I feel today? And try to track that and see if you're feeling more anxious, more depressed, more joy. Sometimes we don't know until we kind of answer those questions, right, okay, hey, whitney, I didn't expect motherhood to feel so lonely. I'm surrounded by people but still feel alone. Is anyone else feeling this?

Speaker 2: 7:46

way One thousand percent. Motherhood is very isolating and I will say I have two perspectives of it is I have the pre-COVID perspective and then I had a COVID baby and both times were very isolating. Admittedly, in the pre-COVID experience that I had, I felt like I could ask for help because we weren't quarantined.

Speaker 2: 8:11

You know, I could ask a friend to come over and help me with something During COVID. During that time we couldn't, you know technically, like we weren't supposed to quote unquote, like we weren't supposed to quote unquote, like we weren't allowed to. And while the pandemic and the quarantine and all of that is behind us, I do think, especially if you have a baby during cold flu, rsv season, you're very careful of who you want around your baby. Absolutely Hundred percent. But that exacerbates that loneliness.

Speaker 2: 8:42

And I don't know about other moms, but I felt like middle of the night or two or three in the morning. That felt so isolating, that felt so lonely to me versus during the day.

Speaker 1: 8:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:54

Because, you know what? I couldn't text my best friend at three in the morning.

Speaker 1: 8:58

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:58

You know, that's not what you do.

Speaker 1: 9:01

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:01

So it is very isolating. You do, yeah, so it is very isolating. And I do think sometimes the internet is good for us because you know you will see the post or the group chat. That's like I'm a mom that's up at two thirty four in the morning, anybody else here with me, kind of thing. So that was a little bit nice because you're like, ok, I'm not the only person in the world going through this, but at the same time that person's not there with you.

Speaker 1: 9:24

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:25

Like you, recognize that it exists in the world. Yes, but it's still not right there with you. It's not that immediate support system that you truly need.

Speaker 1: 9:35

And I think as they get older it's a different kind of load too right that moms can experience is that then you know their toddler is a school age, You're running around your schedule, your life's revolving around these humans and you can be in a crowd of other parents but still not have those connections right or not have those friendships or maybe your best friends not with you where you live and all those activities right, and you do kind of feel like you're on this hamster wheel of your kids schedule your's life and you're kind of going where am I, where's my friends? That social activity, that kind of, can get lost really quick.

Speaker 1: 10:10

And I do think it's hard to find mom friends that you can be vulnerable with and share your struggles with and be honest, and it just takes one. Though that, and sometimes it is it is feeling lonely, and I think in general to your point about COVID there's been studies about this that people feel still so isolated because we were isolated for two years, right, we lost a lot of social skills, I mean, everything can be delivered to our door, right, we don't have to go in stores, we don't have to talk to people, and AI is kind of coming into play too, of just this whole world of what's real, what's not. So I do think it's.

Speaker 1: 10:49

Isolation is so common in motherhood and you know late group dates trying to make friends with some of your kids friends, um, going to the library, you know when they have free reading time to see who that you know probably that mom, when you may have a similar schedule you know, touching base if you're at your co-workers who have older kids, sometimes leaning into a mentor mom and being like were you lonely when your kids were little or what did you do?

Speaker 2: 11:17

Yeah, absolutely, finding your community wherever it may be.

Speaker 1: 11:23

Yeah, but to know I think we all feel lonely at times, or that you know, maybe your spouse or your partner doesn't understand it the way you feel, Right? So that's a I hate your feeling that way, but you are not alone.

Speaker 2: 11:36

You're not.

Speaker 1: 11:37

Okay, hey, whitney, I'm trying to juggle work, parenting and just keeping it together, trying not to have the wheels fall off the bus, like us all, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. How do I stop feeling like I'm falling short at everything?

Speaker 2: 11:53

Did.

Speaker 1: 11:53

I submit this question you may have. It was anonymous so you could have snuck it in there.

Speaker 2: 11:59

Oh my goodness, if that is just not my life, story of my life. So for whoever submitted this question, just so you know I feel that deep in my soul.

Speaker 2: 12:12

One thing to remember is we tend to hold ourselves to a much higher standard or expectation than anybody else does and a lot of times we are so worried that we are going to fail others that we think we've already failed ourselves and we kind of internalize those things. But, for starters, you're not failing. If your children are fed a roof over their head and they are loved, you are not failing, and we've talked about this in the podcast before, sarah. Sometimes we have to figure out which balls can bounce and which ones will break when we are juggling them yeah and you know what.

Speaker 2: 12:53

If you need to hit up the drive-thru because your kids have to be at practice at basically the same time in your solo parenting, you hit up the drive-thru. You do the best that you can with the resources that you have. And you know what. It's okay if your grocery bill actually ends up being drive-thrus for the week versus going to the grocery store, because that's the ball that can bounce, it is temporary, it will be okay. You know what? If it means that you can't go to your kid's field day because you've got to work, because you want to go on the field trip in two weeks, you know what, that's okay. We have to figure those things out. We have to be strategic and logical with these things. So it's appropriate that you weigh out what can bounce and what would break yeah, a breakable thing is if you forget to pick your kids up from school.

Speaker 2: 13:44

And I'm not talking like five, ten minutes, I'm talking like hours here okay, yeah, yeah that would be a concern at that point.

Speaker 2: 13:52

But if your kids know that you are there for them and you are supporting them and that you love them, you're not failing them at all. And I would also really encourage this mom to kind of reevaluate what are your expectations of yourself? Because no one is perfect. Let's just get that out there. Nobody's perfect. Everybody's going to make a mistake. And additionally to that, are you thinking that if you even do the slightest mess up, that you're just a complete failure as a mom? Because that's when that's only going to perpetuate shame and guilt. And that's a whole other side. And as someone who's type a, someone who does have high expectations of themselves, I've had to learn how to redirect that type a thinking. I've had to reframe that and bring myself down. Give us an example, whitney, of how you talk to yourself and reframe it, and bring myself down.

Speaker 1: 14:44

Give us an example, whitney, of how you talk to yourself and reframe it.

Speaker 2: 14:48

Oh, this is fun. So I guess about a month, month and a half ago, my husband had a kidney stone and I don't know if anyone has ever experienced it.

Speaker 2: 14:59

That's truly the worst pain I've ever witnessed him being in so, he was out of commission in parenting for days, for days, until he passed that kidney stone. So I was working full time solo parenting, and my oldest is playing softball. So we're just kind of driving all over God's green earth. And it was one night where we had to be at the ball field at five o'clock. I got off work at four Now, mind you, it would have been great if this had been a more local ball field, but it was not, because that's just how that week was handling things.

Speaker 2: 15:37

Of course, it was a ball field that was 30 minutes away and I thought you know what? I'm not going to make it by five o'clock. There's literally no way that I can leave my job, drive the 20 minutes to get my kids from daycare, get her in her uniform and then drive 30 minutes out, with traffic being in my favor if that happens, and actually be there at five. It is not going to happen. It is not feasible.

Speaker 2: 16:01

So what I tell myself is myself is you know what? The game doesn't start until six. We are going to get there. When we get there. We will be there by six. We will get there by six. But I don't have to be this perfect parent, especially when I kind of have a lot of external factors pushing against me. She will be there and she will be in uniform and we will get there safely. And that was the ball that had to bounce. And you know what? We rolled up at five, 15, which that was just the Lord's grace, right there and everything was fine. I didn't get the side eye from a coach or any other parent there.

Speaker 2: 16:40

My child needed in time to warm up. I was able to get drive-through because that's again, that was the life that we were living that week and my kids were fed, and we do the best that we can with the resources we have at that time and I think it's something I've had to learn is each season of life is going to be different.

Speaker 1: 17:03

What all balls you can juggle, and if it's that newborn stage and you have other kids, you have toddlers, you have school age kids on top of a newborn, or even if it's just your first and this is the newborn, it's all consuming. So it can feel very difficult even to get to the grocery store and back Then to the next season when they're toddlers you know, that could be, but then now we're running around with school and work, the balance.

Speaker 1: 17:28

You could be having family dynamics at place, your husband could have a you know, could be deployed medical issue. There's so many factors in each season that it's okay to say during this season of life, like you know, this month of may or the month of december, which moms all know is insane.

Speaker 2: 17:47

Let's just throw in a million character days while we're at it.

Speaker 1: 17:50

Yeah, it's like okay these times or the holidays or whatever it is. I have so much extra on my plate. You know this may not get done until this. I you know your high priority list because you still have to take that time to do basic life functions to sleep, to eat, to do the laundry and get your life moving. So it has been a lot of being like okay in this season, this is what we can accomplish. We're not climbing Mount Everest here. We're just going to try to get the laundry done. Remember to pull the trash out and keep the kids alive until you know we make it to next week where we, you know, soccer's over and we don't have a swim yet. So it's just all that balance of take Absolutely. Some days you do feel like it's too much, I'm drowning. In others You're like you know it's okay, but I always tell people you got to know when to push the brakes and your kid doesn't have to be involved in every single activity to make you a great mom.

Speaker 1: 18:49

You don't have to sign up for every single school event to be a great mom.

Speaker 2: 18:53

No, you don't Figure out what is most important to you.

Speaker 1: 18:58

What allows us your family values and mission, your own personal mission.

Speaker 2: 19:02

Oh yeah, absolutely Well, and that's one thing. My husband and I decided long before we had kids that our kids would only do one extracurricular at a time, because we had seen so many different families just feel pulled in a million different directions because they would have two or three kids and each kid had two or three activities and it's just not feasible to do all of those things.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:23

And we learned with softball mainly because it's outside and we've had a very rainy spring season, like they own your calendar? Yeah, they own your calendar. Nothing is as set in stone as you think it is.

Speaker 1: 19:36

Yeah. So that would just tell this listener take a break and reevaluate, list it out and say, okay, look at your week ahead. What cannot have to happen? What is deadlines at work that you know has to have more attention than others? What are school deadlines that have to like if you can see the high need areas and say, okay, this week I've got this high need at work, so we need to lay low on some of the social stuff or vice versa.

Speaker 2: 20:03

Take the power back, take your time back as much as you can, and that is laying down expectations that we all set on ourselves, and if there's anything that you can delegate out, do that, and it could be something as simple, as you have your utilities on auto draft so that you don't have to remember Huge number. Yeah, kroger delivery Pressure is brought to you. We gotger delivery, uh-huh, the grocery's brought to you. We got to work smarter, not harder. We cannot do all the things and we're not meant to. That's a hill.

Speaker 2: 20:31

I'm going to die on. We're not meant to do all the things all the time.

Speaker 1: 20:35

No, I love that. Okay, whitney, our last one. Okay, kind of relate hey, whitney, people keep telling me to enjoy every moment, but I'm completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Am I doing this wrong?

Speaker 2: 20:48

No, because again, like you said, it's related. We can't do all things all the time and we can't be all things to all people. It's really hard to enjoy every single moment of motherhood and your kid's childhood, right, you know? When my kid is melting down in the store because I refuse to buy them a pack of Skittles, I don't really enjoy it. I don't. I'm just going to be honest. Like that is one of those that I'm kind of pushed to my limits and I'm also debating on what is the best way to handle this. But also, you know, we bring this into reparenting ourselves.

Speaker 2: 21:26

Ok, this is how my parents would have handled it. Do I need to do something different? Is that the best thing for me to do in the here and now? So no, we're not going to enjoy every single solitary moment of motherhood. That's normal, that's appropriate, that's life. Now I will say when you do have the good moments, try to soak those in, try to sit in that for a little while. You do have the good moments, try to soak those in, try to sit in that for a little while, while you have the opportunity to do that.

Speaker 1: 21:53

Yeah, I think too, society loves to praise. We even have an episode on this. It's about moms being called superheroes. So if this is interesting to talk, to go back and listen to our episode on this more. But you know, I think it is. We say it in the episode, it's true to the day. It's a way of expecting us to continue to operate at all levels and all speeds by calling us superheroes or they're the backbone of society, which we are. But it's also a way of being like of society not taking accountability for the burnout of moms, the exhaustion of moms, not helping them with the mental load or our task, or you know, just moms, you can work, you can be ultimate parent, you can be the crafts mom, you can do this, you can do everything. But we're not going to help you, we're not going to equip you, we're not going to support you. Like, that is my heel, that I don a lot. Is that they're not saying that as like applaud to us? They're saying that so we keep carrying that weight.

Speaker 2: 22:53

Okay, so, therapist, here it's almost a little bit of gaslighting. Yeah, oh, you're such a great super mom, you do all these things. Keep going, oh, and while you're at it, here's more yes, yeah. And so we have these societal expectations and pressures to keep going to be these super moms and we're just burning out.

Speaker 1: 23:16

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:17

And again, at some point we have to say is this what I want? Like, do I want to have to maintain all of these things? Some of them, we don't have much of a choice, right, some things we do have to maintain. But you know what? I'm not a Pinterest mom. I've tried. I'm not a Pinterest mom. You know what I am? Amazon and Target drive up.

Speaker 1: 23:38

Yeah, that's what I am.

Speaker 2: 23:39

That's the mom that I am. I will you know what? I will sign up for the class party, but it's going to be store-bought things, because that makes my life easy.

Speaker 1: 23:48

I love the signups where I immediately try to get on it and look for the plates, cups and napkins and you know what. That's the easiest and I love it. I'm like, let's do this, but it's going to know in your strengths and being resourceful, like we said in our you know is, what can you autopilot? If it's the bills, what's the food delivery that you guys, you know in your head this is what we eat every week. Basically, it's reorder that we do. Okay. So it is saying to your spouse, your partner, whoever, your family friend, your babysitter I need Wednesdays at five to do this for myself, to do this for work, whatever set that in, arrange that you. You do have to sometimes, unfortunately, pay for help and resources and you feel guilty. You're like, oh, I'm spending money on myself, or I'm spending money to do this or babysit this. You have to let that go.

Speaker 2: 24:38

Yeah, if you're able to do it without going in the red, then do it.

Speaker 1: 24:42

Yeah, sometimes it's just. This is what it is, and the overwhelming I think too that's part of it that a lot of people talk about is the sensory overload of it. I think you get so we have episodes on this too but just the noises, the touchdown, the lack of sleep, the hormone changes. I mean it can take you a couple of three, four years postpartum to really fill yourself and regulate Absolutely, and then it's just I don't know, the sensory overload plus being overwhelmed with. You've had this huge life change of being a mom and everything's supposed to go back as normal, but it can't.

Speaker 2: 25:23

Right, and life will never be what it was pre-baby. And I don't say that to be negative. It just is and is what it is, kind of thing. But, we also again, when we already have all these high expectations kind of staying in our brain, then we have that sensory overlaid. We're going to get tapped out so quickly.

Speaker 1: 25:42

Yeah, I would also suggest getting in therapy. I will not ever not champion therapy, because the fact of like A it works, I've fully experienced that. But two just the process and talk through things with a professional. That's not your family, it's not your friend who can uplift you and help you kind of figure out what's really going on, what your triggers From the outside looking in. Yes, and if you're like, therapy is not an option.

Speaker 1: 26:08

Voice journal Whitney's a huge teacher of this and component of voice journaling writing down how you're feeling and sometimes getting it out and seeing it or hearing it is half the battle right, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 26:21

We need those opportunities to process so to all our listeners.

Speaker 1: 26:25

thank you so much for these questions. They're great. We need to do this more frequently, Whitney. So, guys, send it in to us. You can DM us on Instagram and let us know what you want us to quiz Whitney about. But, Whitney, we will be back next week, so stay tuned. All right, Bye-bye. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.