Speaker 1: 0:10

hi guys, welcome back to Prevalence Podcast. This is Sarah. I've got our favorite maternal mental health therapist, slash therapist, member Whitney, with me. Whitney, we have survived the summer. My friend, it's back to school. We made it.

Speaker 2: 0:24

We made it.

Speaker 1: 0:26

We made it. Now it is very much depending on where you guys' school system is and starts. Either you're fixing to start back school or you're in the first couple of like meet the teachers first few weeks. So we thought this episode would be really great to kind of give you guys like a toolbox tips, some coping skills, some just things that we have found helpful in navigating that big transition back. Or this could be I was a K-mom first time last summer, whitney's fixing to go through that again. But just, maybe you're starting kindergarten, maybe your kid's going into middle school, or maybe it's high school or, hey, maybe even it's like college. But it's a transitional period and let's talk about what some things you can actually use.

Speaker 1: 1:13

One thing we want to preference is this Don't ever think you have to do this all perfectly. These tools are here to help things manageable. But if you're like this is stressing me out more to think about a tool, then take what you can from it and move on. Exactly, whitney, let's talk about our mind Because, as we know, our minds play so much of this and the mental load in our thoughts. So if you're anything like us, you're thinking okay, I see 15 things on the calendar in the month of August, september. Already I have a lot of work, I have this going on, I have a baby too, and you're already having those thoughts like I can't do this, I'm already behind and the voice is really loud. Yes, of course, what's a tool that we can use when we're already feeling that? Okay?

Speaker 3: 2:02

this is a lot.

Speaker 2: 2:04

Yeah, when we're already feeling that, hey, this is a lot, yeah. So, for starters, just take that deep breath, slow things down a little bit, because when we start to look at the big picture and we get overwhelmed, heart rate goes up and so then our brain starts to panic. So if we can get a little bit of oxygen to our brain and slow down that thought process, slow down that heart rate a little bit physically, that's going to kind of bring down a little bit of that thought process. Slow down that heart rate a little bit Physically, that's going to kind of bring down a little bit of that panicky, anxious physical reaction that we're having. The next thing is we're not doing all 15 things today.

Speaker 2: 2:37

Okay, it is overwhelming to look at the calendar and see 15 school events, things to do in the month of August. Fair, absolutely. But if it is August 2nd, I really don't need to worry about August 31st yet. I really don't. I need to let that happen a little bit closer to time Now. Do I need to deal with that on the 31st? Depends on what it is. You know, if I have to prepare something, to bring supplies or food or something like that, sure, I need to plan ahead, but I'm going to give myself like 48 hours, 72 hours, to get that done. I don't have to worry about the 31st on the 1st. Yeah, I need to start looking at.

Speaker 2: 3:19

Okay, if we go back to school on the 7th and meet the teacher is on the 5th, well then I need to look at my work calendar. Honestly, probably a couple of weeks before the 5th, just because of clients, scheduling and things of that nature, I need to figure out when is our meet, the teacher slots. I need to block that on my calendar. If I already have a client there, I need to reach out and say where can I move you to? That's what I need to reach out and say where can I move you to? That's what I need to start doing.

Speaker 2: 3:45

If I already know that the first day of school is going to be on a Wednesday, well, you know what chances are. It's the first drop-off. It's going to take a little bit longer. Maybe I don't need to do an 8 am on that first day back to school. So I need to look ahead, block off what I can on my schedule and then can focus on okay, what do I need to do for my kids?

Speaker 2: 4:08

Now I will say our school does something phenomenal and I love it. Every school should do it, if they don't. Where you can order the school supplies that you need at the end of the previous school year and it gets delivered to your home. I don't know who thought that up, but they deserve a raise, is all I have to say about that. So we actually had school supplies delivered to our home probably about three weeks ago, so it's in there. I know that I'm going to have to double check and make sure that my oldest gets her third grade supplies and my youngest gets her kindergarten supplies, because it's probably going to be a little bit different.

Speaker 3: 4:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:42

So that way I know, ok, this goes to her, this goes to her. And that being said, like, do I need to pack all of those supplies in their backpacks that first day? Probably not, probably not. So what I'm going to do at meet the teacher is say how do you want me to send you the supplies? Yeah, and it might be that it does go in the backpack, or it might be that I need to, after I drop them off, go into the office and have it labeled ready to go, for my kid's name on there, their grade and their teacher, and then it can go to the classroom.

Speaker 1: 5:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 5:14

And so break things down.

Speaker 1: 5:16

I think that's a huge thing. You know you. Also, if you're already, maybe you say you're just, you have a postpartum, you have a newborn, now you're having. You're like Whitney, that's great. It's a struggle to get dressed, you know. To get to the grocery store how am I going to get my kid there at 715? You're going. I see this mom do it. She's doing it better than me, or I feel like I'm failing right. There's these thought processes that you almost have to catch and your big component of teaching people how to reframe. How would you tell a mom who's seen you know and it's not wrong that it is hard right now and it is going to take an adjustment and your schedule is going to have to change.

Speaker 1: 5:55

And if you're not sleeping or if you do have a really heavy season with work, how can she reframe that thought? Kind of catch that negativity, that spiral that we're all going down at times. Tell her to reframe that thought. Kind of catch that negativity, that spiral that we're all going down at times, tell her to reframe.

Speaker 2: 6:07

So, with that, validate that it is, in fact, hard because it is. It is, in fact, a lot that we're having to manage simultaneously. Absolutely, it is Now with a newborn that makes it harder because you are sleep deprived. That being said, if your newborn takes their last bottle at 630 in the morning, you don't have an opportunity to go back to sleep. If you got to be in car, ride or line in 45 minutes, but if your newborn goes back to sleep, you put them back down and you start getting things together as best you can. And I say getting things together, I mean like backpack in the car your kid is eating some cereal for breakfast, like it doesn't have to be involved. That way you can get the newborn into the car seat. Maybe they fall back asleep, maybe they don't, we don't know.

Speaker 2: 6:58

But you don't have to be dressed to the nines either. It's literally drop offline. Like, truly like. You don't have to have your makeup on, throw on a ball cap or put your hair up in a ponytail and guess what? You good to go. You are good to go. You don't have to be there to impress anybody. So part of it is give yourself some realistic expectations. Like we don't have to be a Pinterest mom and I've said I am not a Pinterest mom. That is not who I am and that's okay, because no one's asking me to be that.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Yeah, and I think that's a good. You know something that we've worked and our family works different in routines. We're a big routine family, so things that kind of have helped us is what I can do the night before I do the night before, if that is. My boys wear uniforms, so it's pretty straightforward and simple. But some of my friends who don't wear uniforms if it's you know their girls are starting to have opinions or boys about what they want to wear. They give them like two or three like options to pick from of already set out clothes right right.

Speaker 1: 8:01

Or if your child's older and they can't get dressed, you're setting that routine expectation. Okay, when the light turns, this, or your alarm goes off, or mom gets you up, you get dressed, you come down. You know breakfast doesn't have to be a huge home cook spread it doesn't make my head.

Speaker 1: 8:18

Casseroles or muffins or cereal or fruit already chopped up ready to go. Simple things like if you can pack their lunch the night before, if you know they have sports after the sports bag is already ready to go to throw in the car. You know simple things like the water bottles on the way to school. If you can still lose up the night before, keep them cold in the fridge. Little things that work for us and our family is trial and error of what we've learned Absolutely. But that may not work for your family and that's fine, and it is open delegation too. Of you know your kids can be a part, and it's a good routine for them. To learn is responsibility.

Speaker 1: 8:59

Now, one thing, whitney, that we can talk about here is for our worriers and they're already worrying about. Well, what if my kid has friends? What if I have friends? Because this is weird. This is a new school grade. I don't know these moms, or you know this. Worry sets in and they're like Whitney, I'm a worrier. You before have said set a time for worry, the worry timer, or pick a time. Can you tell us more about that?

Speaker 2: 9:23

So part of that is to again, we want to validate what we're going through instead of just dismissing it, saying, oh, I shouldn't feel this way or it's silly for me to feel this way. No, you're anxious and you're worried for good reason. There's a lot of unknowns that are out there, and we want to be able to give that time to be validated. If we spend a little bit of time exploring it, we can actually figure out what it's rooted in. Therefore, we can actually address it if there is something within our control that we can do that for.

Speaker 2: 9:54

But the thing with anxiety if we give it too much time, it is absolutely going to snowball into something so much bigger than what is actually reality, and so that's why I suggest the worry timer 10 or 15 minutes and have something plain to do when that timer goes off. I don't care if you're swapping out the dishes, it doesn't have to be a big thing but I need you to do something after that timer goes off. That is what I need you to do, because we need to distract our brain to get out of that anxiety loop. But when we give ourselves 10 or 15 minutes, we're saying, okay, I have a good reason to feel this way. It's legitimate. And then when we start to explore the why behind it, that's when we say, oh, I feel anxious about this because this is an unknown over here, or I've never experienced this before. That's why I'm feeling the way that I feel Things of that nature.

Speaker 1: 10:57

No, I love that good. To tie in to something we've talked before about like our nervous system, fight or flight, and our nervous system cannot tell the difference between essentially being chased by like a lion right and running for our life, versus the situational anxiety or like fear. You know it's like whatever that is and that was something I had to learn is like, truly, your nervous system is like okay, is my life in danger here, or is this like an uncomfortable conversation I don't want to have with so-and-so, or I'm anxious and nervous about this. So we've talked before about grounding techniques and one of my favorite that you taught me is like the five, four, three, two, one, right, so the five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell or one thing you can taste, and everybody's maybe like that's great, sarah, we don't have five, four, three, two, one. But what, whitney, is like sometimes you just need one of those things to help ground you.

Speaker 2: 11:59

Yep, just the one. It could be that you've got hand sanitizer and you breathe that in. Now, that being said, too, rubbing alcohol actually can help with any nauseous feelings. So sometimes when we're anxious, we can also get an upset stomach. It could be dual purpose there. But when you're breathing in that hand sanitizer, that lotion, a candle that you've got nearby chapstick even and you say, well, what does this smell like to me, does this remind me of anything? And you are asking yourself questions you know the answer to these are not hard questions. We don't need them to be hard. We don't need them to be hard. We need them to distract our brain. That is what we need.

Speaker 2: 12:40

So, and if you've got something that you can taste, honestly it's really great. If it's like super sour, minty is really good. Super salty is another really good option. So if you have pretzels laying around or peanuts or potato chips, things like that, and you actually want to suck on it for a little bit, because one sucking is a normal self-soothing action of humans. Think about our babies with their pacifiers. It is normal self-soothing action of humans. Think about our babies with their pacifiers. It is a self-soothing thing. But also that tartness or saltiness or mint, it's a little bit of a shock to the central nervous system. So again, we get to break the thought pattern and then we can distract ourselves by saying well, what does this taste like to me? Does this remind me of anything? Did my grandmother used to give me these same lifesaver mints when I was a kid? Anything like that? Ask yourself questions even if you know the answer to them.

Speaker 1: 13:32

And then are you a fan? We've seen this before and it's on our Previa dashboard the box breathing where you inhale for four, you hold for four seconds, exhale for four and then hold.

Speaker 2: 13:44

So it's essentially like I visualize, almost like I'm drawing a box with my breathing and you can even, like I just did, draw the box with your finger and have those counts of four, and I even do that with my kids, or we also do dragon breaths.

Speaker 1: 14:02

Oh, let's talk about those. I love those.

Speaker 2: 14:04

So a dragon breath. You want to imagine yourself like you are this big fire breathing dragon and you let out this big breath, this big fiery breath, and you just do it until you have no air left in your lungs. That is one really good way I get my kids to kind of come out of a tantrum or stressful situation, because they're picturing that they're a dragon doing this, they're trying to see can I get this big, big breath out. But also it changes our thought pattern. It is a grounding technique for our lungs and honestly, you know, if your kid is upset because they're in pain, breathing is a really good way that we can kind of have our own pain control.

Speaker 2: 14:45

Yeah, you know, recently my oldest broke her arm and when we were in the emergency room because, admittedly, I didn't give her Tylenol or Motrin at home, it was just, oh, I think we need some x-rays we got to get going here, so got her in the car and she's in there and she's hurting, and I know that she's hurting and they had given her Tylenol, but it hadn't kicked in and I was like, well, let's try and do some dragon breaths and just see if that helps. One, it distracted her, which was good. Two it helped manage her pain.

Speaker 1: 15:16

I love that and I think all these tools you know if you're saying you know things feel like really anxious on the car ride or the car ride home, which they will right, because starting school is hard for you and them. There's a lot of emotions that your kids feel during the day. They kind of release them as soon as they see you in the car. Sometimes it can feel sensory overload for you and them, right. So some things we like to do in the car is if there's a favorite song, or for us if that's more gospel based for my kids that we can like sing affirmations in it, or even the humming if it is rolling down the windows, if it's one of my favorite things she taught me something cool on the back of my neck If I'm in carpool line and my youngest is melting down and I'm still 15 minutes before I get my oldest right, having those snacks ready for you and them right cold drink uh-huh.

Speaker 2: 16:14

Always keep bare straws in your cars. Yeah, you can sip that cold drink and that's another tactile grounding you can do or even if, if it is Taylor, so shake it off.

Speaker 1: 16:24

you know, literally kind of be sitting in your car or you could, before you start work or before your kids go in from like change of activities, kind of shake their body, move their body, you move with them, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 16:37

The thing about humming too we're actually grounding in two ways with that. The thing about humming, too, we're actually grounding in two ways with that. It's auditory because we're hearing ourselves to it, but it's also tactile because of the vibrations that happen when we hum, and it can also loosen up the jaw. A lot of people have tight jaws. Like we carry our attention and our stress there, that makes you kind of have to loosen it up.

Speaker 1: 16:59

No, I love that. And then what you know, this is a. I saw this reel and it was saying like a mom's brain, it was like 47, like tabs open, you know, and sometimes you get home and you're just like you've had a day. If you're at home or at work, I mean, there's like thousand emails from the school. There's a lot to do. But what about focusing? And a lot of people have been talking about like setting a timer If it's 10 minutes, where you cut out the distractions, you don't look at your phone and you be productive for those 10 minutes. Or people said you know what about like visualizations for kids? You know backpack water check, right, that you're again delegating, or something that's kind of buzzword is the dopa menu to have a dopamine boost yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:46

So, with that, one thing I do encourage people to is whatever you're trying to do in that room, stay in that room. Stay in the room until your task is done, whether it is helping your kid pack their backpack, and you're in the kitchen and I love my kids, I really do. But can I trust them to fully pack their backpacks on their own if I leave and go do something different? No, because they too will get distracted. Okay, so I need to tell myself you know what? Yes, I would really like to go brush my teeth before we go, but I'll actually have that time if I just help them.

Speaker 2: 18:21

And you know, with that we do foster that independence of hey, do you have your water bottle? Yep, it's in the side pocket. Okay, did you remember your pencils? Yep, I got them here. Do you have your library book? And you're going through that checklist of things. That way it's a little bit easier for you if like, okay, oldest, oldest kid, we've got their stuff. Now my younger kid water bottle, lunch box, notebook, permission slip, whatever it is.

Speaker 2: 18:48

Also the night before, if you feel like you need to make a to-do list or checklist of things to go into the backpack, always a good thing. I'm a huge fan of dry erase boards for that you could get one and stick it on your fridge and say, okay for Tuesday. My oldest is going to have to have their field trip permission slip and money in there and they're going to have a library book Water bottle would always be on there, different things like that. That way, when it's done, either you erase it or you line through it. That way it's like yep, we've done it, the visual is there, we're good to go.

Speaker 1: 19:19

That's a little dopamine boost right there.

Speaker 2: 19:28

We love a good check off Us type A Enneagram ones.

Speaker 3: 19:30

Ooh, that's where we get that productivity from.

Speaker 2: 19:31

We love some productivity, because our self-worth is, you know, in there, but that's a whole different episode. But that is that dopamine boost.

Speaker 1: 19:38

We will cover that at a whole different one, as we tell ourselves.

Speaker 1: 19:48

Well, and I think, a good last one, something that I feel is the underlining theme of everything we do is really naming it, to tame it. So naming how we're feeling and teaching our kids to name how we're feeling, because the feeling itself is neither like negative, bad, positive, right, it doesn't define us, right, but I am feeling overwhelmed, I am feeling nervous. Right, you name it and now we're going to tame it in the sense of you don't have to be nervous. Just because you're feeling nervous, you can acknowledge that this is something and it's a fleeting, passing thing, right? But it's powerful to start kind of saying, if I am nervous, I am feeling nervous, and my kids will say, okay, what does nervous make feel to you? Or what's their signs, right? Or mom's feeling hot and overwhelmed right now. Mom's going to take a second, I'm going to drink a sip of cold water, I'm going to take a deep breath and we're going to recenter.

Speaker 2: 20:38

Absolutely, and we're allowed to take it. No, well, and our kids need to see us implementing these coping skills and regulation skills and I'm sure I'm not the only mom who has watched Daniel Tiger before. And there's the episode of feeling angry. And there was one day I just remember feeling so frustrated or angry and I took that deep breath and I did the five, four, three, two, one and I moved my hand down with each of them. And I took that deep breath and I did the five, four, three, two, one and I moved my hand down with each of them and I was right next to my four-year-old and, granted, she gave me a look of like what on earth are you doing? She gave me the side eye, but after that I was able to say, okay, I'm a little bit calmer now. I needed to take those few seconds and calm myself down. Now let's address this, yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:24

Well, I think this is a great start. We always will be here through your guys' transition of school to next phases of life, to talk about the things that we're experiencing too. So, from both of us to you, you guys got this Again. It's not doing it perfectly, but it's trying your best and showing up. So we appreciate you guys. We'll be back next week.

Speaker 2: 21:44

Sounds good. See you next week.

Speaker 3: 21:48

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.