Introduction and Episode Replay

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey guys, this is Sarah with the Preview Alliance podcast. This month, we are replaying our most downloaded episodes. These episodes are the ones that has resonated the most with you guys. So if you're a longtime listener, this is a great refresher. And share this with a friend who may be new. If you're new, welcome, and we hope that these episodes are impactful to you like it has been for others. Thank you for being with us and stay tuned. Hey guys, welcome back. It is Sarah and Whitney, and you know it's the Preview Alliance podcast.

Speaker 2 0:45

So we're going to touch on a term today that resonates in your soul.

Speaker 1 0:50

We'll explain more what text message I just got, but we will say default parenting. Whitney, what is a default parent?

Speaker 2 1:08

A default. Parent is the parent who automatically, without anything being said, 90% of the time, is the one to take off of work when your child gets sick and to stay with them while they are sick. They are the ones that daycare or school calls when said child is sick. They are the ones that make all of the doctor, dentist appointments and anything else. They are, 90% of the time, the advocate for said child. Having to figure things out and navigate things, should you need extra resources, shall we say. And we are the ones who, more often than not, get up in the middle of the night when the child starts crying.

Speaker 1 1:40

Yes In the in the problem solvers.

Speaker 2 1:43

Oh, absolutely, and we are the ones where all the questions get directed to.

Speaker 1 1:47

The kids, even though another parent may be right there, runs to. I'm hungry. I need a snack.

Speaker 2 1:54

Where's?

Speaker 1 1:55

this mom.

Speaker 2 1:56

I mean, we could be in the shower and those tiny hands find us Using the restroom. Yeah, there is no such thing as privacy. No, no, it's all pilot, it's gone.

Speaker 1 2:07

I will say this I had a kidney stone a couple weeks back. God love you. I don't know if you've ever passed one of our listeners.

Speaker 2 2:12

I have not, but it does not sound pleasant.

Speaker 1 2:16

So I would probably take a C section again Over a kidney stone, over this last kidney stone oh girl, that's bad so. I a kidney stone over this last kidney stone. Um, that's bad. So I thought I had like a uti. Yeah, I was like something's going wrong.

Speaker 1 2:29

Yeah, then it quickly escalated, of course, and so I was um passing it and I was you're, you bleed quite a bit you know the urine's blood and so how this happened was we were trying to go to one of Bill's work events, because why would it happen on a day we, like, had no plans?

Speaker 2 2:50

Well, because that's just not what life does. That's not life. If 22 has taught us anything, life is not going to work with us.

Speaker 1 2:57

No, it's against us.

Speaker 2 2:58

Absolutely.

Speaker 1 2:59

So I'm trying to get us ready and I'm like, oh gosh, I keep going back, back to the bathroom and I'm starting to have a lot of pain at this point, and the boys decide to just, you know, join me. Well, of course, join mom. What's going on? She keeps going to the bathroom. This is exciting, right. And so I'm literally just like leaned over in so much pain and will's like. He looks inside the toilet. He goes you're bleeding. I'm like mommy has, I think, a kidney stone. I'm okay, yeah. And he goes are you gonna die?

Speaker 1 3:30

I'm like, no, I'm not gonna die yeah, it's okay, I'm okay but I'm like you know, go see what dad's doing for a minute yeah, you're checking with dad. Dad, no, wants to be like literally. This is epitome of default. I am leaned over passing a kidney stone with both my boys Actively bleeding. They're crawling around me, they're trying to roll a tool of paper.

Speaker 2 3:53

Yes because why not? Because, why not?

Real-Life Examples of Being Default

Speaker 1 3:55

It's a new playroom, so we end up having to go to a hospital and on the way into the hospital, will decides to tell everyone that mom is bleeding from her penis.

Speaker 2 4:09

Strangers. We can laugh now that it's past.

Speaker 1 4:12

He told a neighbor, as we were like driving by, okay, cool. Because he was like hey, I want to wave at so-and-so. I'm like sure, you know mom's fine right at this point. You know, it's just I'm excruciating pain. Let's wave to a neighbor will. And he was like you know, we're going to hospital, mommy's bleeding out her penis, you know, and I'm just like okay this is life, but just that moment I was like this is what default parenting oh, yeah, he hit so hard?

Speaker 1 4:36

oh yeah, is that still? I mean, we didn't have babysitters or anything. Our family's not close, so yeah like we have to take them when we go in for this. I couldn't drive.

Speaker 2 4:44

No, bill had to drive. You also had to help buckle them into their car seats, didn't you?

Speaker 1 4:49

oh, pack the snacks stop it, sarah, get an ipad ready, make sure they peed, because I was on the potty so much myself that I'm like, oh, y'all haven't peed this. You know peed fresh diaper, you know, yeah, all the things, all the things. Do you think they won't bill to carry them or hold their hand as they're walking in to the hospital? No, they want me, of course. They're looking at me like what's wrong with you? You look fine.

Speaker 2 5:15

I'm like I'm a mom and you're like no, I feel like death wormed over, but cool let's do this, so that just was like my opinion.

Speaker 1 5:21

Of course, baby james is.

Speaker 2 5:22

Baby James is like no, you're going to tote me on your hip, not dad's.

Speaker 1 5:25

Oh Baby, james is like this is my prime moment to need you, of course, Velcro baby, he's my wild one.

Speaker 2 5:34

It's them second kids. They get you, he gets me. I knew it from the womb.

Speaker 1 5:38

But you know, even to the point of like the default hits hard where it's like groceries oh, we're out of milk, I gotta get the milk will has a class party next week.

Speaker 2 5:50

Yeah, I literally order the cupcake yeah, I'm literally the only one that puts things in the walmart app for our grocery pickup same, and I took stock for school parties this upcoming week.

Speaker 1 6:01

Teacher gifts teacher gifts or even the fact that or all the christmas gifts or everybody that they could say it to someone else says it to the mom, right? I mean perfect example. I we're recording right now. Um, I have one of my wonderful babysitters at the house. Um, bill's working from home today but he did the handoff but she's still texting me about questions when he is home let's not go to the next room and ask those questions and it's just the summary of default, oh yeah so it's the epitome it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 6:40

I feel like sometimes it doesn't matter what's going on in our own personal lives, like a person, not even mom.

Speaker 2 6:47

Yeah.

Speaker 1 6:47

Just like Sarah and Whitney Mm-hmm, we still are going to be responsible for everything.

Speaker 2 6:53

And that's a lot Always.

Speaker 1 6:56

I've seen my children walk past their father who's in the kitchen to come to me. Yeah, doing something in a different part of the house, mm-hmm, that's needed for the family.

Speaker 2 7:09

It's not like I'm doing my nails in the bathroom, you know, or?

Speaker 1 7:12

having a little spa day. Well, I mean that's luxury.

Speaker 2 7:16

We're not allowed to have that no.

Speaker 1 7:20

Mommy, I need some goldfish. I'm like you walked past your father, who's in the kitchen where the goldfish are located, to drag, you know, and it's just like. So what do?

Speaker 2 7:30

we do. Honestly, that's a very good question because even then, very similar situations where my kids will walk past their dad and come to me and be like I want a snack, I want to color, I want this, I want that, I'm like, but he's right there and he'll even say, before I say something, he goes, I'm right here.

Speaker 1 7:50

God love Bill. He's done the same thing. He's like dude, why do you, why ask me? And he's like I want mommy, I want mommy to do it.

Speaker 2 8:07

Apparently, I can magically, you know, grab packaged goldfish a certain way, that just they need.

Speaker 1 8:10

It hits different the mommy hits different the mommy magic it does. So it's hard because I never I don't think anybody ever said that to me when I was pregnant. No, no one really prepped me for it, and I don't, you know, I I guess I was more resentful in postpartum of the default in postpartum.

Speaker 2 8:23

Oh, yeah, it's so glaringly in our face because we've gone through labor and delivery and pregnancy.

Speaker 2 8:31

If you're breastfeeding, you're doing that, but even though I was a formula feeding mom number one, I do actually have to focus on my breast health, of drying up my supply and making sure I don't get mastitis, but also because I'm on maternity leave. Who's making bottles every two to three hours? Whitney, Me Sister friend over here is getting it all organized, pre-measuring the water in the bottles, having my formula right there, or at least in the newborn stage. You know you get the little tiny ones and you're ready to roll. I'm here for those. Yeah, I'm here for those. I'm here for that because it did save my sanity quite a bit.

Speaker 1 9:08

You're the one who was making sure you had your diapers ready, your wipes.

Speaker 2 9:11

Who has those on auto subscribe on Amazon? Me Always, and it's one of those I do wonder sometimes, like do the other partners actually get all that we do all the time? I don't think so. Household management is like a willow tree and it has all these branches coming down always, yeah, always. There's more and more and more. A thousand branches. And that's household management. That's not even including our work in our managing ourselves or our social life.

When Kids Get Sick

Speaker 1 9:48

That doesn't exist, that you know it's like oh, I'm so sorry. I read a text, sometimes I'm like I don't respond for a long time, I feel bad, but then I'm just like, like I said, things just blow up it's life. And you know that's a conversation that I just don't think is talked about, that it's hard, that it's hard, it's a burden and I don't think is talked about.

Speaker 2 10:04

That it's hard. That it's hard, it's a burden, and I don't want it to seem like our children are the burden because they are not being the default. Parent is the burden.

Speaker 1 10:12

And it's not being a mom. That's the burden, it's the things that are put on us to balance while we're being a mom.

Speaker 2 10:20

Oh yeah, well again, and I've shared some in other episodes of just how hard the past few months have been in our life. So my grandfather had passed away and we went to his funeral, which was on a saturday. We got home that afternoon and my five-year-old popped a fever. Yeah and it was. I mean, it was low grade, it was like 99.8. So I'm like, and she had kind of the flu we look in eyes and I was like, oh, dang it, now you got the flu. So you know we get some motrin on board. And she had kind of the flu-y looking eyes and I was like, oh, dang it, now you got the flu.

Speaker 1 10:46

So you know we get some Motrin on board and she had a snot nose, like she's not having any respiratory distress still, that, like puts your anxiety alarms up. Well, yeah, it's one of those. I'm like okay, and you're figuring it out well.

Speaker 2 10:56

The next day her fever goes up to 102, with Motrin on board.

Speaker 2 10:59

I'm like okay, now we got to go to urgent care yeah now we probably need to get your lungs listened, to get you swabbed. What are we dealing with? Blah, blah, blah, all the things. So with that I knew she couldn't go to school the next day because she had a 102 fever, yeah, and she didn't need to go to school, you know. So who called out of work? Yeah, I did, and again she continued to run a fever that Monday. So who again is calling out of work for Tuesday? But then also Tuesday she woke up again running a one, oh one fever and then had bloody snot and I'm like, okay, now we have a sinus infection. So who took off work? Monday and tuesday? I did, and so finally, wednesday she got better, goes back to school. That afternoon my two-year-old pops a fever at daycare, of course, because why?

Speaker 1 11:55

why wouldn't it? Why wouldn't it?

Speaker 2 11:56

and it again, it was low grade, it was like 100.2. So not high, not. And she's coming home. Well then, I take her to urgent care, thinking well, if we get a swab and roll out viral and it's just an ear infection, maybe I don't have to take the next day off of work. Yeah, well, guess what? She popped positive for strep. So yet again, who's taking off of work?

Speaker 1 12:20

me. Well, you're also responsible for your work.

Speaker 2 12:24

Yeah, you're responsible yeah, it was a dumpster fire. Trying to work from home with my two-year-old has a like the life necessities.

Speaker 1 12:32

I'm talking about toilet paper, I'm talking about food.

Speaker 2 12:34

Oh, yeah, and disinfecting so that hopefully it doesn't all my five-year-old doesn't get stripped, because that's not what made her sick. She had adenovirus, so we have a whole. And then me and michael never got. You know, thankfully we never got sick, but we hadn't had strep since we were kids. So I'm thinking, oh it's so gonna get us, because I was very prone to that as a child I ended up getting my tonsils out from strep when I was yeah I missed so much of first grade that we had to but yeah.

Speaker 2 13:03

So again, who was that default to continue taking off of work? It was on me, and at that time my mom is a great help to us let me just throw that out there. She was also sick with the same adenovirus that my older daughter had, so I had no backup. No, and I know some people might be thinking well, well, what about your husband's family? Well, here's that caveat. His stepdad was in hospice care, so his mom couldn't leave.

Speaker 1 13:29

And let's be real. I mean, some people are very fortunate that they have both sides of the partner and you know your families and they can jump in and a lot of us don't, and that's the thing too.

Speaker 2 13:39

Is you know, in this really challenging time of our lives, we did not have a safety net? No, I was that safety net. Now I'm grateful to work where I work, because if I still worked at the hospital, I probably would have gotten fired for having to take a week and a half off of work due to death and sickness. Yeah, let's just keep it real.

Speaker 2 13:57

And I get that. Like they have a business to run, they need employees. Here I am, life happens, it does, it does and it was just, it was like a full moon just decided to move into our house at that time and then, you know, we I say we, my household had a week of, you know, not being sick. My mom, on the other hand, was admitted to the hospital for sepsis from a brown recluse bite.

Speaker 1 14:21

So there's that added stress, but at least I'm back to work and my kids are healthy and well but then you are, we're at this stage with these, with motherhood, where, like we're navigating, like our parents and grandparents and their illnesses and you know them getting older, yeah we are at that stage of life why we are parenting young children and working and having to try to balance, like you mentioned, household necessities.

Speaker 2 14:48

All of that still fell on me.

Speaker 1 14:51

And so I think it's like and it does start in the newborn stage.

Speaker 2 14:55

Actually no, you know what?

Speaker 1 14:55

It starts the moment you get pregnant. Let's back up. Yeah, because you're carrying that baby.

Speaker 2 14:59

It's your body that's changing. It's your hormones. Yeah, our hormones are changing. We're having to be very mindful of what we eat and drink.

Speaker 1 15:07

So you're limited because, as soon as you get pregnant, you're carrying that child.

Speaker 2 15:11

Absolutely and your absolutely your life's, not just yours, no, and I get that.

Speaker 2 15:19

our kids and I can only say this up until age five, because that's all the mom experience I have, but I do think, because of the bond that we have with our children during pregnancy, that that is why infancy, toddlerhood, early childhood they are defaulting to us, because we have a bond with them that dad isn't going to have. And that's not a slam or a personal attack, it's fact, yeah, because they were not attached to their dad by an umbilical cord for nine months.

Speaker 1 15:46

And it's just the comfort of mom.

Speaker 2 15:48

It is.

Speaker 1 15:49

I mean, I'll be real, and I've said this before and Bill knows this it's just the middle of the night. Wake ups.

Speaker 2 15:55

Oh, oh yeah, I still handle that with my two-year-old, you know, and it just I get irritated and resentful.

Speaker 1 16:00

I'm like, why isn't me? And it's like, in that moment it's because it's like a basic necessity is being taken away from me sleep, right.

Speaker 2 16:08

So like yes, that's a trigger for me.

Speaker 1 16:09

Yep, um, but sometimes it's just like why is it all on me, why is it all on mom? And like I don't think in the part of it is.

Speaker 2 16:15

It's just like why is it all on me? Why is it all on mom?

Speaker 1 16:16

Yep, like I don't think, and the part of it is it's like I don't. I give him some credit because it's like I know with his job he's gone a lot. And I can't expect him to do X, y and Z sometimes, but I will say that I just took care of it for so long when we were just us, that when I didn't even realize how big kids are going to rock our worlds, right, I talked about, but I don't know that we really get it until we're in the thick of it.

Speaker 1 16:48

I had no idea that easy. Let's run by work when you don't have a kid to pick up something yes, goes away.

Speaker 2 16:56

When you now have kids in the car and you have to unload them, go into the grocery store, get this and you're just like yeah, what used to be what a three minute stop to go run into the store and grab milk is now a 15 minute adventure, adventure journey.

Speaker 1 17:10

If you will that you just pray, it's public something. Give it your kid a free cookie when you swing by the bakery.

Speaker 2 17:15

My kids don't know about that yet, because otherwise there would be tantrums and demanding, and so I'm keeping that in my back pocket till I need it.

Speaker 1 17:23

Well, that's a swing by. They're great little bakery workers there. Oh yeah, oh, I'm sure. But again, if my kids know.

Speaker 2 17:30

Then anytime we go to Publix, it's like I want to buy a cookie. I'm saving that.

Speaker 1 17:35

And why is going to a grocery store alone now as a mom like a pleasure?

Speaker 2 17:40

and a break. We can actually. I mean, we're talking about sensory overload. It's a slightly reduced sensory overload. We can think a little more clearly. Yeah, but I mean I'm not going to even lie.

Speaker 1 17:53

We do Walmart pickup because it is just a game changer and that's why I say do I love it bad for doing pickup, or do not feel bad for doing delivery, or don't feel bad for auto subscription from amazon resources.

Speaker 2 18:06

Mamas, these are resources for us, use them, why not?

Speaker 1 18:11

so we know I we're not alone with this default. So what is there things we could do to change it?

The Emotional Burden

Speaker 2 18:18

Well, first thing I would ask is are you willing to delegate anything? Ooh, you're calling me out. Same over here. Okay, Same. So again, when it was that chaos of my grandfather dying, my kids are sick, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, All those kinds of things I mean. I think this was finally that Thursday when my two-year-old had strep and I was out of work with her, I finally just texted my husband. I said you figure out supper. I can't do it.

Speaker 1 18:47

I'm done.

Speaker 2 18:48

I'm tapped out. It is a dumpster fire here. I can't work from home with her. You, I need something to be taken from me, and that's what it needs to be healthy communication.

Speaker 1 19:00

You did there because I probably would have just called picked a fight went well, I'm not saying that I felt great when I did. This is what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 19:08

I mean that my tone of voice luckily did not transpire through the text message, but I was like I'm done. I got done. I've had a week of trauma and loss and grief and I'm done emotionally. Yeah, done.

Speaker 1 19:23

And knowing that it's a learn process, but like I'm trying to learn because I usually get done and then it's like done.

Speaker 2 19:31

Yeah.

Speaker 1 19:31

I'm trying to catch myself early on and be better about communicating yeah I'm not going to be able to handle this yeah you need to, and then I have to let go of my expectations and how that's done. Oh yes, I've asked for help.

Speaker 2 19:49

Well, like I've said before, sometimes we gotta do things easy. You know what my husband did for supper that night pizza hey, and it worked. My kids were fed. Admittedly, my two-year-old didn't want it because she had strep, but we had chicken noodle soup. He honestly just emptied that campbell's into a bowl, popped in the microwave, boom, got you some soup, sis soup and popsicles. So delegate, communicate, yes, delegate what you are comfortable delegating. Now is it going?

Speaker 1 20:13

to be him doing our activity schedules?

Speaker 2 20:16

No, probably not, because he does work for a school system, so it's a little bit harder for him to get coverage for that kind of thing. So yes, I am still the default on that, but honestly, probably what I should have done with all the Christmas parties is said can you go to the store and just get cups and plates?

Speaker 2 20:42

Because that's what we signed up for for kindergarten and that's a mom trick. Get the cups and plates. Oh, yes, napkins, because I can buy that ahead of time. Yeah, and just honestly, I can just leave it in the car. Yeah, I don't have to worry about forgetting it at home, I just leave it in the car, yeah, yeah totally what else I mean, I feel like. So I would also say this is where we need to utilize our grounding thoughts, because when we are the default parent, we tend to get overwhelmed.

Speaker 2 21:03

Yes, and angry, yes, and angry, and so this is one of those. Use those deep breathing skills and benefit of the doubt here. I know this is not the case for all of our mamas, but remind yourself, use those grounding thoughts of okay, my partner is not trying to avoid being the default parent. Now, I know that there are some partners out there that do.

Speaker 1 21:27

And what is? There was a term I saw on Instagram.

Speaker 2 21:29

I follow her account, she's a she's a like she does those comics. Learned in confidence, yep, learned in competence.

Speaker 1 21:41

Um, sometimes that is the case, and that's basically if I play dumb, yeah she'll do it because there it's almost a way of enabling that behavior um and sometimes you just have partners that are selfish.

Speaker 2 21:57

Let's just call it for what it is. So, to those mamas that have the selfish partner, if it is safe, as long as it's not an abusive scenario or situation, call them out on it. Yeah, because, like I said, I just had to tell my husband. I was like I'm done, I need you to help, I need your help. Yeah, now again, my husband is not narcissistic, he's not abusive. No, I don't believe that he was trying to avoid being the default parent, but it was one of those. I was like I'm done, this is what I need you to do, because he's an enneagram nine. So he's the peacekeeper. Build an eight.

Speaker 1 22:35

I don't know much about the eights, um, but eights and ones can oh, they can clash, they can be forces, which is a nice little note we're going to mention.

Speaker 2 22:43

We're going to have a like an enneagram guru on oh, that's gonna be so much fun we'll dive into all this. Oh heck yeah um but so he's not trying, and I don't think my husband is just so laid back and reserved and introverted.

Speaker 1 22:58

And you do such a great job of doing it.

Speaker 2 23:01

That's the thing too is I hate to say it like this we excel at juggling all the things, Even though we felt internally I'm failing.

Speaker 1 23:10

This is hard, I'm resentful, we still do the thing.

Speaker 2 23:13

I heard something on a podcast a couple of months ago said if you ever want to get something done, give it to someone who's busy because they will get it done. Yes, and guess what? We will get it done, and part of that is high expectations, whether it's externally imposed on us or self-imposed on us. But then that's where we struggle to delegate yeah so again, what can you delegate? Can you say you're doing separate tonight? You're cleaning, I'm getting groceries delivered, I'm doing a pickup.

Speaker 1 23:44

Or I'm going to get a housekeeper. If we have X amount of extra money a month, this is something that I want that can be doable, yes, and so you know.

Speaker 2 23:53

Figure out what can be delegated. Where can you utilize your resources, where can you utilize that support system? But if you're in the thick of it and you're drowning and you don't have that support, even if you try to delegate, remind yourself, not everything has to be done in that moment.

Speaker 1 24:12

Right, you have to let some things go you have to let some things go.

Strategies for Managing Default Parenting

Speaker 2 24:15

You have to let some things go, prioritize and break it down. If you have a work deadline but you have a sick kid at home, are they old enough to where you can pop on some bubble guppies and say watch this for an hour while I get this done? If it's like my two-year-old? No, it did not matter what snacks I put in front of her and however many episodes of bubble guppies was on TV, she was going to be right there with me while I'm doing my session.

Speaker 1 24:43

Yeah, and it was a dumpster fire, I'm going to be completely transparent it did not go well at all for us. You still lower those expectations sometimes.

Speaker 2 24:48

You do, and so if it's one of those maybe it's not like a telehealth meeting, like I had with a client, but it's one of those you're working on a presentation or a document or something like that. Again, even if you're in the same room as said child and you can work while they're distracted by something do that. Yeah, Absolutely do that.

Speaker 1 25:09

And I voice journal sometimes when I feel like I've had a really default day, because decompressing, get it out. I get it out Then when I can like I've had a really default day, because if I get it out, then when I can approach Bill, I've already got that initial.

Speaker 2 25:22

You've taken the edge out of the anger and the frustration Kind of taken a little bit of the emotion out of it.

Speaker 1 25:30

And I think sometimes we talk about past generations. Moms were really just expected to do it all.

Speaker 2 25:40

But can we also say that things have changed significantly. Women's rights have progressed significantly, but also the economy was significantly different, where you could have a single income household. And now both parents usually have to continue, and it's still a struggle to make ends meet for many households because inflation has gotten so bad over the past six months or so. Yeah, I don't think it was this bad even in the beginning of 22. I feel, like it's gotten significantly worse, since probably summertime is my roll of the dice on that.

Speaker 1 26:15

I mean there's so much. I feel like that this generation of moms were fighting from COVID to economy to the sicknesses that's falling after COVID.

Speaker 2 26:25

Yes, this RSV flu season has been a whopper.

Speaker 1 26:30

The working. You know, I read something that's like you're supposed to work, like you're not a mom, but mom like you don't work. Yeah, that whole. Our kids are busier than they've ever been, I know when I was four.

Speaker 2 26:42

I did not have Will's activity schedule oh, can I just say that we have electively chosen not to do extras with my kids right now because we can't juggle it all. That's a good thing to say, that's a personal boundary, we know where we're at. And also I wanted to give my daughter a chance to get adjusted to kindergarten yeah, before we signed up for extras. It's too much, it is, and so that was one of those. She doesn't right now, doesn't really know what's out there to be involved in, and I know it changes as they get older it does, but if you are in this stage of life, you don't got to do all the activities.

Speaker 1 27:12

If you are already feeling like I'm defaulted out. Yeah, so it's. You know, when we're talking to our partner. You know we said this earlier they sometimes don't even really know what we all do.

Speaker 2 27:25

Oh, 110%.

Speaker 1 27:27

How do you tell them what you do? Because one of my friends she has this wonderful she'll say yep, the mommy magic fairy came through and stopped the fridge, did this, packed the lunches, got the laundry done. The kid magically had the homework assignment done Her work got this done. Her parents' presents got done. Yep, mommy, magic fairy flew past I need one of those are they? For hire you are oh no, it's you, and she was like that's what they think happens yeah that we just wave a magic wand and it's done so how do you say that without being like how holding up a list?

Speaker 2 28:09

I was literally being like this is what I do so? I'm not a great person to ask about this because I'm very competitive. Yeah, I'm very competitive and in my head I'm like, if I wrote down all the things that I do and manage, yeah, my husband being the enneagram nine that he is and being laid back, he's actually going to view that as like an attack.

Speaker 1 28:30

Oh, Bill will 100% think that I'm coming for him.

Speaker 2 28:34

I'm just going to say I don't think that's a great thing to write all the things down and say this is what I do. That's not going to go well. No, tears will be shed, voices will be raised. I must say that's not a great option, but y'all know your own family dynamics. So you do.

Speaker 1 28:51

You but hear my word of caution that that probably won't go well for people I've I've done something similar in the past, not exactly a default parent, but with a.

Speaker 2 29:00

Let me show you yeah, all the things and I didn't, I get it did not go well, let's just learn from our. Yeah, I would advise to not do that.

Speaker 1 29:10

So what can you do to feel like you're being seen or help you without? That whole you ain't doing X, Y and Z.

Speaker 2 29:18

Uh huh. So one thing that I really would encourage is to figure out if words of affirmation is your love language.

Speaker 1 29:26

I love to hear I'm doing a good job.

Speaker 2 29:28

Well, we're Enneagram ones. Of course we do. We need that external validation so our inner critic can be quiet oh yeah, I mean you legit, thank you, let's look at this or that kid.

Speaker 1 29:39

It's a personality thing. Inner child.

Speaker 2 29:42

We need that external validation. Maybe we didn't get that growing up and now we're seeking it by doing all the things. Oh, oh, we went deep there for a second um so telling your partner hey, I don't expect you to do all the things that I do, but can you just tell me that you see it and you appreciate it and that you're willing to help where you can?

Speaker 1 30:04

yeah, and that was that helps. Now there's still gonna be days. I'm just like do you see why?

Speaker 2 30:11

oh, yes, yes, well, we're human, we're gonna get overwhelmed, we're gonna get that sensory overload, we're gonna get tapped out, and so we're gonna get frustrated. Yeah, because again, one of those kind of side effects of the feelings of overwhelmed is frustration and anger. And in those times don't go to social media, because that comparison trap will get you again.

Speaker 1 30:39

And again, even looking. You don't even go to social media. You don't have to. I know sometimes even carpool line. I'm like I see so-and-so here picking up all the time.

Speaker 2 30:49

If I see a dad, I'm like how does that dad get off every day? How does that work? How does that?

Speaker 1 30:53

work.

Speaker 2 30:54

Or.

Speaker 1 30:55

I will say I see it at the park. I'm like how does that work? Yeah, but I don't know what he doesn't do.

Speaker 2 31:03

Exactly Now. That being said, because my husband does work for the school system and now that my daughter is in kindergarten, they had Thanksgiving week break off together. So, because my two year old is a terrible two, calling it for what it is she still went to daycare. Yeah, but you know what? My husband took my five year old to the park every single day. Yeah, and it was great, and I didn't ask him. And they need that time. Yeah, great, and I didn't ask him. Yeah, and I didn't ask him to do that.

Speaker 2 31:34

Yeah, he could have opted for them just to stay inside the house and do tv all day, but he didn't. He took her to the park. So that was one of those. I was like I really appreciate you getting her outside and doing fun things with her and, you know, going to grab lunch and just different things like that. It was super nice and helpful. And those words of affirmation when we were all home together over the week and he was like, well, why don't we go to the park again? I'm like, yes, because it worked, because it worked. And so then, as a family of four, we all went and we could, you know, man on man defense with the kids that you have to have man on man.

Speaker 2 32:06

Yeah, sometimes it's sometimes it's two parents to one with the two-year-old.

Speaker 1 32:10

It's baby james I'm like, where are you?

Speaker 2 32:13

at toddlerhood.

Speaker 1 32:14

It's a trip, one thing that sometimes default. I felt. Sometimes it's like because I am default, I am doing all the things. Sometimes I think even my parents get to do super fun things with my kids. I want to be the fun mom, I want to do the fun things, but I'm like, yeah, but fun things, but I'm like yeah, but like I have to run our life, so that's.

Speaker 1 32:32

but that's me having to say you know what? What can I drop, what can I not? I deserve to be the fun moment too. Oh, absolutely, but I think default. You feel like I can't sometimes because I have all the things. Yeah, or you're beat down and tired, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 32:51

Yeah, so giving yourself that Give yourself some grace on that, that we can't do all the things all the time.

Speaker 1 32:59

No.

Speaker 2 32:59

It's not humanly possible. And if it's one of those, you have the opportunity to go be the fun parent and go to the park, go to the zoo, go do a craft with them, whatever it is, and not wipe down the countertops or not vacuum or whatever is on your list. Realize, okay, yeah, that still needs to be done, but I can bump it down the list and go be the fun parent I want to be.

Speaker 1 33:22

And no one's judging you, but yourself harder.

Speaker 2 33:25

Agreed Wholeheartedly.

Speaker 1 33:27

So I think and that's something that I'm working on, I'm sure everybody is we don't realize until we're moms oh my goodness, yes but listeners. So much. Now you know what a default parent is. Yeah, you know how to work through it. I'm not gonna say this is magically gonna change your life and you'll never be the default parent again, but at least hopefully this episode will make you know you're not alone. That's right, and it's a term, mm-hmm, and it ain't just you, yep.

Closing Thoughts and Episode Wrap-up

Speaker 2 33:55

You can relate to it now.

Speaker 1 33:57

All right, guys, till next time, see y'all. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.