SPEAKER_01: 0:11

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance. It's Sarah and Whitney. Okay. So Whitney New Year, new mom. That's right. But the same mom. I was about to say, but am I really a new mom? Oh, still Sarah. Still her, right here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 0:29

We're still Enneagram one.

SPEAKER_01: 0:30

Perfectionistic type A. Uh-huh. Who is already like, what's my new year gonna look like? Yeah. Setting those expectations early, anyway.

SPEAKER_00: 0:39

So with that, you can have realistic expectations. Yes. Um, and I have a slightly different take on New Year's resolutions than most people. But I think people need to have your resolution. So I don't do the whole taking away with New Year's resolutions. I think it is. Yes. So so many people think, okay, I'm going to lose weight in the new year, or I'm going to quit doing this or quit doing that, which if you're wanting to quit smoking or drinking or things like that, that can impact your health negatively, I'm here for it. Absolutely. I'm here for that. But when we say that we're going to take away or we're going to lose the weight, or I'm going to drop this or lose this, that's a negative connotation. Yeah. So we're already, in a sense, setting ourselves up for negativity or for disappointment. So my New Year's resolutions are I'm adding something to my life that is positive, whether it be a podcast, whether it be music, you know, I'm at a point now which it has taken some work. I'm just going to be real about that. It has taken a lot of work. But right now I run for me because I enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:48

Which then it's a lose weight. Yes. So if you you do not need to lose weight, but if that was what you wanted, you're adding and you're going to get that benefit. Exactly. Without fixating on that negative. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 2:04

Like I need to. I don't like it. Yeah, I have to lose X amount of pounds. So I'm going to run and I'm going to, you know, cut my calories, or I'm only doing 1200 calories or things of that nature. It's like I want to run because I feel good when I run. And then I think, look how strong my body is. Positive aftermath. Because I've done this and this and this. And if anyone else listening is a runner or you do like CrossFit or you do weight training, you know that you start out thinking, okay, I can I really lift this. Can I really run this? Yeah. Well, all yeah, three years, no, four years ago, now I ran my first 10K out at Disney. And I'm here to tell you I trained for that for several months leading up to it. And it got to the point where I was like, okay, I can complete a 10K, but whoo, I feel beat afterwards. Yes. Now I can run that 10K. And I'm like, man, I feel so good. Now you feel most of the time. Most of the time. Sometimes the humidity does get me here in Alabama. Yeah. But overall, like my body feels strong. I don't feel like I'm on the couch the rest of the day. Right. Which is big. It's huge. And so if you are wanting to incorporate some type of exercise, workout, things like that, start realistically. Yeah. And build up to it. And you will be amazed at what your body can accomplish.

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And then we'll say once if you want to prioritize your mental health.

SPEAKER_00: 3:30

Then get you a therapist on board.

SPEAKER_01: 3:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 3:33

Get you a therapist. And the thing is, you don't even have to do therapy weekly or every other week. It can be once a month. I have some clients who are progressing wonderfully. And so we've bumped to once every six weeks or once every two months as a maintenance check. Just a check-in. Like you would check in on your car. Well, we see the dentist every six months.

SPEAKER_01: 3:54

Why can't we see a therapist every couple of months? To process. And you know, reframing this is like you can say, I don't like this about myself. And you can own that. But you're going to say, I'm going to look at that and say, you know what? I want to take more time. I need to do, I need to have more patience with my kids. Okay. So I'm going to try that. So what am I going to do to be more patient? I'm going to fill my cup. Yep.

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Self-care.

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I'm going to do self-care.

SPEAKER_00: 4:24

Self-care is not selfish. And self-care is not always cosmetic. No. It can be. Yes. It can be. I'm not saying that it isn't at all, but often I think people think self-care is getting your nails done, which it can be. I get mine done once a month too because my nails split. I have horrible cuticles and they hurt. Yes. Yeah. So I get mine done because I don't need my nails splitting. Yeah. But that is a self-care that I do once a month. But ultimately, my self-care is okay, I wake up at least 15, 20 minutes earlier than my kids. Same. Get my tea, kind of have that opportunity to wake up, have a little bit of time to myself because I'm not going to have it the rest of the day. Let's keep it. You can meditate.

SPEAKER_01: 5:02

You want to watch 10 minutes of your show. You want to work out. It's a little bit more. Whatever that may be.

SPEAKER_00: 5:08

Yes. Because that does not happen very often. No. Um, and you know, at least during the Christmas season, I could get up and just turn the lights on on the tree and just kind of soak in that peacefulness.

SPEAKER_01: 5:17

You can recreate that now that we're in the new year. Yes. Light a candle, have a lighting.

SPEAKER_00: 5:22

Oh, I love that. The lighting. Your self-care can be taking a bath and having, like you said, that candle there. Uh-huh. Something that invests in you. So your new year's resolution, think of it like this, is an investment. We're adding, we're not taking out, not constant debit card swipes.

SPEAKER_01: 5:39

We're making ourselves, we're adding in to ourselves. We're putting the work in us that's going to be distributed to our family, to our kids, to our workplace, to our partners, to society. Oh yeah. So that we don't snap at a random person as much, maybe.

SPEAKER_00: 6:00

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: 6:00

When you get cut off and try to do it.

SPEAKER_00: 6:02

Or snapping at my kids.

SPEAKER_01: 6:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 6:04

Okay, let's keep that real too.

SPEAKER_01: 6:06

Instead of just being so harsh and critical and saying, we all have things about our child ourselves that we want to change.

SPEAKER_00: 6:12

Oh, absolutely. And that's not a bad thing because we were everybody is always a work in progress.

SPEAKER_01: 6:19

So it's and I think it's it's almost more pressure and it's like anxiety-inducing to me to have like, I have to accomplish this, I have to change this. Uh-huh. But for me, like you said, reframing it, I can add to myself.

SPEAKER_00: 6:31

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 6:32

I can add to this cup.

SPEAKER_00: 6:34

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And I am here for a good podcast. Uh, preview alliance, people. Heck yeah. Um, and then too, sometimes it's okay if we do buy ourselves something nice every now and again. Yes. Like me and Sarah, we are here for some little sleepies. They are not a sponsor or anything, but we enjoy them. I've tried. I know. We like them. A holsting company. I'm gonna keep trying. Yeah. So, you know, if we're willing to buy our kids honestly some bougie bamboo PJs, why can't I buy myself a$20 sweater at Target or you know, whatever the case may be, go to TJ Maxx or whatever that is. Uh-huh. So incorporating that self-care however that needs to be. Yeah. Now don't go into debt over it. Don't hear me saying that.

SPEAKER_01: 7:16

No, and she's not. But I mean But reframe it for what it looks like to you. Only you know what Phil's Whitney's cut the best and what I call my cup the best. And that's looking at ourselves. And maybe we grew up and we were never taught that or never aware.

SPEAKER_00: 7:32

Yeah. Or even if our parents did it, it was never really called that back in the 90s and early 2000s. You didn't see it. You didn't see it. And so now, you know, with my girls, more so my five, almost six-year-old now. When I go running, I always tell her, I'm like, it's good for mommy's body to run, it's good for my mind for me to run, and it's how I take care of myself.

SPEAKER_01: 7:56

If it's good for her to see you do you.

SPEAKER_00: 7:59

Exactly. That way she learns that number one, self-care is not selfish. No, it's learning that running/slash exercise is not punishment for my body. I'm not earning my food or compensating for something that I have eaten. It's food is good for our bodies, and exercise is good for our bodies. Both contribute to our bodies. Right. And so that's important that whatever that self-care may look like, it is view. We tell our kids what we're doing. And rest that it is an investment.

SPEAKER_01: 8:34

And you and rest is not it is not lazy. It's not lazy. Rest is vital. It is. So you reframe if you may have grew up, you may be in a current phase of life where you feel like rest to you is unproductive.

SPEAKER_00: 8:51

I really don't appreciate being called out on the podcast, Sarah. Well, I'm because I'm telling because we've we've talked about this. We both feel seen.

SPEAKER_01: 8:58

Uh-huh. I do. And but rest is being productive to your self-care. It is.

SPEAKER_00: 9:05

Even if you have to tell yourself that. Uh-huh. It is. Because, and again, pulling it back to exercise, because it's just such a good example. You can't run or lift or dance or do whatever your activity is seven days a week. Your muscles have to repair. They have to repair at a cellular level and also, especially runners, stress fractures. We can get those so easily in our feet and ankles and things like that. So rest is important for us. And two, when we look at self-care, you mentioned it earlier, like maybe we're not as snippy with some stranger at Target or Aunt Brenda or our kids or whomever. It's a lot like being on an airplane where they say, even if your child is on this plane, you as a parent, put your oxygen mask on first and then you take care of them.

SPEAKER_01: 9:53

Amen.

SPEAKER_00: 9:54

And I remember the only flight that I've done with my oldest daughter when we went to Disney a few years ago, they looked me dead in the eye and said, put yours on first and then hers. And I nearly busted into tears because the thought of my child possibly not getting a mask on broke me. But you can't help her if you're not. Correct. Now, praise the Lord. We didn't have to, you know, that was just part of the, you know, the training. It's not like we were, you know, the plane wasn't going down or anything.

SPEAKER_01: 10:22

That's how moms need to look at their mental health.

SPEAKER_00: 10:25

Absolutely. We can't take care of others if we're not taken care of. And we can't rely or depend or assume that others will take care of us. I'm here to tell you they won't. Just keeping it real, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 10:39

And it's not a it's not that they're choosing not to. Yeah. It's just life and reality.

SPEAKER_00: 10:46

It is. And again, you know, I feel like a lot of moms we're all just trying to keep our heads above water. Yes. Sometimes. And so it's hard for us to hand somebody else the lifesaver or a life jacket or get to the boat. You know, we have to get in the boat first and then we can paddle our way to other people.

SPEAKER_01: 11:06

So this new year, it's an opportunity, and there's a lot of pressure. And I part of me doesn't even like the whole, you know, oh, this is new year and it's I'm getting older or this. And you look back and you're like, I want this different or I want that. Uh-huh. That's a lot for my personality type. Um because it is it is an another another day. Yeah. And so times sometimes if that is so crippling, the thought of like what I have to do, yeah, it's another day.

SPEAKER_00: 11:34

It is another day, and you don't have to tackle all of it on New Year's Day.

SPEAKER_01: 11:38

January 1st, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 11:40

Like we don't. And we can't.

SPEAKER_01: 11:42

And it's it goes back to marketing from the holidays. The people do the new year and new stuff. You're gonna be hit it hard. Bombarded by all the commercials, you're gonna be bombarded by like resolutions, the you have to who you're gonna kiss at midnight. I remember when you're like young, yeah. I forgot all that whole thing.

SPEAKER_00: 12:01

Until they've been married for 14 years, every hair forgot about that. We don't stay up till midnight on New Year's. We got kids.

SPEAKER_01: 12:06

Yeah, no, we go to bed, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00: 12:08

You know, I need my sleep people.

SPEAKER_01: 12:09

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00: 12:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 12:10

Did you remember that whole thing? I do remember that. Do you remember in your younger life of like have I got dates for New Year's? Yeah. Countdown and all that. Yeah. I mean, it's it's that same type of pressure. Now we're applying it to ourselves as people and moms. And no one's ever broken down and just been like, we were never taught skills. We weren't.

SPEAKER_00: 12:33

But at the same time, I do feel like millennials, we're really starting to be self-aware. We're almost coming into like an awakening stage where we're like, okay, we're aware of this now. We're revamping ourselves and passing it down to our kids. Right. Because again, growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, mental health care was stigmatized. It was you went to therapy if you were court-ordered. So clearly a negative there. Or crazy. Or crazy. Um, you went to the loony bin, um, straight jacket. Do nothing else with her, blah, blah, blah. That makes sense. Exactly. It was viewed as basically everyone, you know, if you went to therapy or if you went and sought, you know, psychiatric care, well, you're a crazy person. You're unpredictable. You're violent. No. And so no Can we just say that? That mental illness does not equate to psychotic behaviors.

SPEAKER_01: 13:29

And you know what? The world would be a lot better place if everybody had a therapist. Just want to do that. Speaking it. I'm just gonna say it. Because we are doing the work, we're we're dealing with our inner child. Yep. We're dealing with raising children. Yeah. It's hard. We're dealing with navigating people in our lives who are some doing the work, some ain't doing the work. And that's the truth. And they should be doing the work. We're working on it. So we're so why not do what we need to do mentally? It's a mind-body experience.

SPEAKER_00: 14:06

It is. And there is that connection, and some of it comes back to support. Yeah. You know, if a mom does not have a supportive partner, then they may not feel like they can. You know, if they don't have insurance, they may not feel like they can go see a therapist. That being said, call offices and see if they do sliding scales. Right. And every office is a little bit different. Let me just throw that out there. But call, uh, email, it will not hurt. A lot of places will try to work with people. Right. So, like my experience as a therapist, you know, if I have someone who is uninsured, yeah. And I already know, you know, things are just tight financially. Guess what? I'll say, okay, we'll do$50 a session and we'll do one session a month. Yeah. We can do that. Yeah. You know, and if, you know, they can't afford that, then we we just figure it out. You know, we do what we can kind of thing. Yeah. And so if you don't think you can afford it, call and see if they do offer sliding scales.

SPEAKER_01: 15:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 15:06

You know, some people don't, they may have a supportive partner, but they may not have supportive parents. Yes. Again, you know, this older generation that has raised us, I think some work and some progress is taking place.

SPEAKER_01: 15:20

But they don't understand it.

SPEAKER_00: 15:21

They don't understand it. And again, it's going to be like one of those, well, why are you going? There's going to be maybe judgmental questions.

SPEAKER_01: 15:27

Or they're afraid they've done something. That's the reason why you're going. Well looking at themselves. And they're just then it is. Why are you talking about this?

SPEAKER_00: 15:36

And I have actually had several clients say that um their parents do say, Well, uh, every therapist says that you talk about your mom in therapy. Well, I mean, we do sometimes. Yeah. But it it depends on if that's the root of some trauma.

SPEAKER_01: 15:50

And that's that inner child.

SPEAKER_00: 15:52

It is. That's that inner child work, you know, not that I want this to happen to anybody, but being a therapist, being a social worker, I've seen it. Sometimes parents have sexually, verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally abused their children. And now they're an adult. They're a parent themselves. They don't want to pass down that generational trauma.

SPEAKER_01: 16:11

And they're and we said this before parenthood, motherhood has a way of zoning in on that hurt and that trauma and bringing it to life. Absolutely. Just like a new year does. So you have and it's you need help working through that. Just like if you had a cavity, if you had the flu, you go to get help.

SPEAKER_00: 16:34

You get your treatment.

SPEAKER_01: 16:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 16:36

Because it's you can't put a band-aid on an infected wound and it actually treats the infection.

SPEAKER_01: 16:41

So this is their You're going to get worse. And they're going to give you the tools. Yes. And going to what they're going to teach us things that we don't know. I had never known about grounding. I had never known about sensory overload. I didn't know any of this until we started this, and you're teaching me, you're teaching our listeners. But like, how much more beneficial for a one-on-one session with a therapist who knows knows it.

SPEAKER_00: 17:04

Okay. Well, knows the clinical side of things, but then is getting to know the client and having that rapport in building that relationship up. Yes. So yeah, the podcast, yes, mamas, you keep listening. We're going to keep putting this, you know, good information out there. Watch the videos that we've got on the previous website, but nothing can really substitute that one-on-one. That one-on-one therapist. And you may feel uncomfortable or hesitant to seek out help if you have judgment, stigma, reservations from your family, from your partner. Yeah. But ultimately realize you are responsible for you.

SPEAKER_01: 17:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 17:51

And that it's okay to step out of their comfort zone. Yeah. And their comfort zone should not be imposed on you. That's a soapbox for another day, but you are not responsible for anybody else's happiness.

SPEAKER_01: 18:03

Correct. And your children are not responsible for anybody else's happiness. Yep. So say that right there.

SPEAKER_00: 18:09

Yeah. So you should not feel the burden, responsibility, or obligation to appease family, friends, significant others, comfort if they don't want you going to therapy. It ain't about them. And I'ma just go out on a limb here. If you have a support person, whoever, whether that is significant other family, what have you, if they vehemently tell you not to go to therapy and they get upset and defensive about it, that's a narcissist.

SPEAKER_01: 18:38

And there's that's like flags and alarms should be like 110%.

SPEAKER_00: 18:43

And here's the thing you don't have to tell them you're going to therapy. Uh-uh.

unknown: 18:46

No.

SPEAKER_00: 18:47

You don't. That's a boundary. Yeah. If you know that it's going to upset them and that nothing good will come of you saying, I've started seeing a therapist, don't tell them. No. They don't have to know everything. No, no. Now, when you do start setting up your own boundaries and enforcing your own boundaries, they may say, Well, where have you heard about this from? Instagram, podcast, YouTube. Sarah tells me about it weekly. You can get this information from several sources and you don't have to call out your therapist.

SPEAKER_01: 19:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 19:18

Sometimes we have to do things that we have to do to protect ourselves.

SPEAKER_01: 19:22

And I think it's just again going into knowing that this is a new year. But you have the tools to add to your life and think about what you want to add. And what you will add will read the positive that you are adding. And it will change your mindset. Oh, absolutely it will. Well, we're gonna be here with you this year. And we're gonna bring you the things that's gonna fill your cup, give you the education, give you empowerment, let you know you're not alone. We're gonna equip you. We're with you. Mm-hmm. You've got this, mamas. Till next time. See y'all. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables, like anxiety, anger, and even apnea. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkhurst, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.