SPEAKER_01: 0:09

Hey guys, welcome back to Previe Lions Podcast. This is Sarah. We're in 2026, which seems ridiculous to even say, but welcome, Whitney. Hi.

SPEAKER_04: 0:19

Can't believe it's 26. That's it. Girl fast.

SPEAKER_01: 0:23

We're here, and the Hey Whitney questions are back. We've not done one of these in a hot minute, and this is a fan favorite. It's my favorite. Whitney, is this your favorite to be put on the hot seat? Do you love this?

SPEAKER_04: 0:35

I do. I actually really enjoy it. I work well under pressure. Shocking as my type A personality, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 0:41

She loves it. All right, Whitney. We're gonna throw you at some start of the year. We got some great questions. So here we go. Hey, Whitney, how do I stop feeling guilty for wanting time away from my kids, even when I know I need it?

SPEAKER_04: 0:56

Oh, that's such a good question. And yeah, I relate to that. I my kids are five and eight, almost nine, and I still feel that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 1:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:06

And so the reason that we feel guilty is we feel like we need to give our kids everything. And I think some of that is from social media. I think some of that is that influence from there, depending on what your childhood was like. If your mom was able to be a stay-at-home mom or even part-time work, you know, they were able to be there and be very hands-on. So we may have some very strong childhood memories, inner child connections to our moms really being there with us the majority of the time, right?

SPEAKER_03: 1:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:37

So we have a little guilt if we can't pass that along to our kids. We feel like we're gypping them or robbing them of those experiences. But I will tell you, having that time away for yourself actually replenishes you. And yes, it's hard. I'm not going to deny that. It is very challenging to be away from our kids. But if it's one of those that, you know, you go to the gym to work out and your kid goes to the child care at that gym for 30 minutes an hour and you feel guilty over that, remind yourself, one, you're pouring into your physical health to be with your child for longer. You're improving your physical health so that you're extending your life. You're improving your mental health so you can be more present mentally with your child and emotionally, because exercise is great for emotional regulation. And you know what? Your kid gets socialization during that 30 minutes to an hour, whatever that time is. So they benefit from it too.

SPEAKER_02: 2:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 2:36

So there are benefits to us having these kind of little breakout times from our kids. You're not abandoning your child if you do this. I want to really drive that point home. You're not abandoning your child in any capacity. You're getting that refreshment and the rejuvenation that you need to continue to be the best mom you can be.

SPEAKER_02: 3:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 3:02

And so, you know, remind yourself too, guilt is an emotion we reserve for if we've done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong by getting a break.

SPEAKER_03: 3:13

I love that.

SPEAKER_04: 3:14

Guilt and shame is what we reserve for if we've done something wrong.

SPEAKER_01: 3:19

And this is not wrong. It's not wrong. On the reason maybe she's feeling this way. This is a good question for all this. Okay. Why is it feel like I'm the family project manager, even though I didn't apply for this job, Whitney?

SPEAKER_04: 3:35

So hi, welcome to the default parentslash default household manager. We may not have thought we applied for this job, but unfortunately, it comes with the territory more often than not to women. And so much of that is because, especially when we're pregnant, it is on us to be mindful of what we eat, what we drink, lifting restrictions, counting fetal kicks. Like it's on us to monitor our overall physical health because that is the baby's physical health. So it starts before baby's even born. Yeah. And so once the baby gets here, more often than not, who's responsible for naps, bedtime routine, feedings, pediatrician appointments, all of that? Mom. And this is a different set of bikes for another day, but it's more often than not we get maternity leave, and our husbands, more often than not, do not get paternity leave.

SPEAKER_02: 4:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 4:35

And so it does fall on us to do the research, to read the boards, to Google the things at 2 a.m. when we're up with the baby. All of that falls on us. And while I I did not intentionally do this, I, you know, ended up kind of gatekeeping that information. Just because it was one of those, my husband was working outside of the home. I was the one that was in charge of that stuff. So was it that important for me to share the nap schedule?

SPEAKER_03: 5:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 5:03

Didn't feel like it, especially in that newborn stage. Because I was home with the babies. So telling him the nap schedule really didn't actually benefit me because he wasn't there to do it.

SPEAKER_02: 5:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 5:14

Like I did gatekeep that information, but it wasn't in a malicious way. It's just because I didn't know that it was, I didn't think it was beneficial.

SPEAKER_02: 5:21

Yeah.

unknown: 5:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 5:23

Same. Yeah. And so it starts in pregnancy and then in the newborn stage again. More often than not, we as the moms, we are the ones that are responsible for learning these things, going to the pediatrician, figuring out, well, how much breast milk or formula do you need? When do we start solids? When do we start tummy time? Like we're the ones trying to keep up with all of those things because it's a more than full-time job to care for a newborn baby. And honestly, from there, I feel like it just snowballs. You know, and our kids, you know, until they get, I'm gonna say kind of that pre-teeny stage, who do they come to with their questions?

SPEAKER_01: 5:59

Mom.

SPEAKER_04: 6:00

Who does school call first?

SPEAKER_01: 6:02

Mom.

SPEAKER_04: 6:02

Mom, right. And so that's default. And it's very easy for us to get resentful of that because sometimes we just want to not be needed.

SPEAKER_02: 6:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 6:13

And I've said that to my husband. I was like, I would love to go an hour and not hear mom.

unknown: 6:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 6:19

I would, I would just an hour, not asking like to not be a mom anymore. Just I would like an hour where someone doesn't need me imminently, kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01: 6:28

Or I mean, I guess it's an honor badge to be the default booty wiper for potties, you know, but it's like it's hard. I mean, it is it's to this person. We no, I think it is the you it's a realization, you just don't know till you know, and you're in the depths of it. And um, I think it's a shared thing with moms nationally, universally. Um I don't know, you can see it restaurants, you can see it schools, you can see it on the group me apps, you can see it everywhere. And you just kind of you're in it, but again, validating what you are experiencing. We're all feeling that, and it is real and it is hard. And I always say outsource what you can if it's grocery delivery, if it's auto-pay your bills, if it's right utilizing church child care, get you a drink of coffee while they're in their little thing. If it's the gym, what you can do, do it when you can to take that moment.

SPEAKER_04: 7:29

Well, and one thing, once my kids have gotten a little bit older, I'm gonna say around like the five or six year mark, where there's a little bit more logic. Yeah. You know, if they come to me and they're like, I need a snack. And if I'm literally in the middle of something, you know, I'll say, Yes, you can have that, but either you need to wait for me to get done with whatever I'm in the middle of, or you can go ask dad. Dad is upstairs, dad is in the next stream, and my husband will even say, I can help you with that. So he'll come and you got reinforcement, which is but you walk right past dad. I mean, she literally walked right past your father so many times, or he'll literally be five feet from me in the living room. Our living room and kitchen are connected, okay? Where it's not like well, you have a mile of walk here, okay? He'll say, I can help you. And then my youngest, my COVID baby, they're built different. That that attachment, oh, it's a little too secure. And so she'll go, No, mommy, get it. And I'm like, Well, then you have to wait for me to finish filling the blank task.

SPEAKER_03: 8:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 8:29

You know, that's what I have to remind my kids of. I'm like, your dad is capable. If it is something he can help with a thousand percent, let him help you with that.

SPEAKER_01: 8:41

And they're capable. I tell mine too. I'm like, you are capable of go grabbing that apple. You know where the apple is, you're capable of filling up your water, like you know, so write it out. I don't know what stage just moms, but write it out and you're not alone. Okay. Hey, which how do I tell the difference between normal mom exhaustion or versus actual depression or burnout?

SPEAKER_04: 9:03

That is a great question because they can mirror each other so much. You know, we've talked about this before, where sometimes like your pregnancy symptoms can also mirror symptoms of like a thyroid problem or anxiety or depression. Like so many things can be very similar, very parallel to each other. So, what I would ask you when we look at depression, remember that's gonna be your low. Okay. So it's gonna be one of those maybe you're oversleeping. And I'm talking like you didn't sleep seven hours one night and eight the next. Okay, that's gonna average out. That's pretty consistent. I'm talking you might sleep seven hours one night and then 12 the next, but we don't have a reason for that increased sleep. It's not like you were out late, you're not working night shift, you know, you didn't have to take your kid to the ER, things like that. We don't have an external factor to explain a 12 hour sleep.

SPEAKER_02: 10:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 10:00

You're also not gonna have motivation. And I'm not talking about I really don't want to go to the gym today. We're not talking about that kind of lack of motivation. I'm talking about you don't want to get out of bed to brush your teeth.

SPEAKER_02: 10:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 10:14

You know what I mean? Like you're it is almost physically painful for you to do your basic self-care hygiene tasks. Okay. That's what we're looking at with depression. Depression can be a lack of interest in things that you used to do. You may be like, I don't want to go to the gym anymore because I just eh, I feel blah about it. That would be a red flag. It would be a huge red flag. You feel very apathetic about everything.

SPEAKER_01: 10:44

Yeah. Like nothing. You can't like there's nothing that nothing like even slightly like joyful about.

SPEAKER_04: 10:52

Correct. Yeah, nothing really gets you very excited, but then you're also not sobbing at the same time. You're just kind of flatlining.

SPEAKER_02: 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 11:00

That would be depression. As far as fatigue, burnout, things that we would see across the board that every mom is going to experience. It's gonna be one of those you're like, oh my gosh, I got seven hours of sleep last night, but oh, I could use another one or two hours. That's pretty typical. Yeah, absolutely. That would track. It could be one of those you're like, I just I can't do this anymore. I just need a little breather. I just need to come up for air. I need someone to not need me for a little bit to tap into that other hey, Whitney question, where it's like, oh, I just need an hour where someone doesn't need me. I would feel so much better if I could just take a hot shower and like go get my nails done or just have a day to myself. That would be my reset. That's burnout.

unknown: 11:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 11:44

Burnout is where you feel like you need to come up for water. And you know, you need to, and you kind of know what could help, but logistically, it's hard to get it done. Yeah, that is burnout, that is normal fatigue, normal mom tired. Because in the midst of all of that, you're probably getting your shower. And yes, having kids is chaotic. So unfortunately, we may not get that shower every day, but the desire to do it is there. You're able to get out of bed and go brush your teeth. It's not a struggle for you to be motivated to go do the thing. It might be harder than logistically. There's a difference between logistics and the motivation.

SPEAKER_01: 12:26

Got it. And I think too, if you're in the newborn stage and you are well past two weeks and you are feeling this, this is not baby blues. It's always a helpful minder. Say this is not baby blues at this point. If it's not getting better in your past two weeks, this is we're moving in more to the postborn depression. So again, if that's you, speak to your if it's your OB and to find a therapist. Postpartum Support International is an amazing place. We always recommend. So that just a little caveat there to our newborn mamas. It's hard to tell, but really the two weeks and if it's getting better or worse is kind of your time frame there.

SPEAKER_04: 13:07

And with that too, you may have one good day out of the week. That one that one good day doesn't erase the other hard days. So keep that in mind. You want to almost look at your average of good versus bad days or good versus hard days.

SPEAKER_01: 13:22

Yeah. And there is no, you know, and you're like, gosh, I don't even know what day I'm in. Well, you'd probably don't, but if you're tracking, you know, I always it's really interesting, you know, and from nutritionists. Remember this, our nutritionists used to always say when I was a nurse, they would go, okay, well, let's write down what you did this day. Write down what you ate, right? And they were trying to look for allergies or patterns of like GI abscess, whatever. And I'm thinking, you know, that's such a valuable tool to do with our mental health, right? And it's to kind of look back and go, okay, well, look at this past week. Well, look all was I we had to do, or look what was on work, what was the kids' schedules? This is kind of, and at the end of the day, like, how did you feel or how did you sleep, right? And like you can kind of put wave that in. I think that's super helpful too, to bring to your therapist or bring to your doctor to again show this pattern of being like, okay, if nine out of 10 days I have no joy, or you know, I've been running at this speed, it's just a good way to look out, like you're stepping out and looking in at your life in an objective way. Correct. Okay. So, hey, Whitney, I feel guilty. So, guilt is a big emotion here. No matter what I do. If I work, I'm missing out on my kids. If I stay at home, I'm not contributing money. So basically, I'm darned if I do, darned if I don't.

SPEAKER_04: 14:47

Yep. So welcome to my life. I feel that. I really do feel that because especially in these young early years, we do want to be there for our kids. 1000% we want to be there for our kids, and we should be there to the best of our abilities. The hard part is, and especially just with how everything costs, it's hard to live on one income.

SPEAKER_02: 15:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 15:11

And that's okay, you're not alone. We are all in that same boat. Even if you're not leading this luxurious lifestyle, it is still hard to make ends meet on one income. Recognize that if you do work outside of the home, part-time, full-time, whatever it is, that you are still contributing, your kids get to see what it's like to have a mom who has an identity outside of motherhood or in addition to motherhood that knows what it's like to have to have these struggles. And you get to have those conversations with your kids. That being said, I'm so thankful that I work in a place where I can go on field trips with my kids because they're old enough to remember if mom goes on a field trip or not. They don't know that they went to daycare because guess what? They don't remember the first few years of life.

SPEAKER_02: 15:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 16:00

So they don't remember that, you know, I would basically have them in daycare for, you know, nine or 10 hours a day because of dropping them off, going to work and coming back. They don't remember that side of things, but they do remember if I got to go to the pumpkin patch with them when they were in kindergarten. They get to remember going to the space center and all of these different things. So if you are in the stage of like that newborn up until about maybe three or four, depending on if your pre-K does field trips, recognize that yes, that pain and that grief is there and it is valid. It is so very valid. Your children won't remember that, but they'll remember if you got to go to field day.

SPEAKER_01: 16:40

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 16:41

They're gonna remember that more.

SPEAKER_01: 16:44

Yeah, and I can speak to the stay at home. You know, I when I stayed at home, especially with my oldest and before preview of my youngest, you do if you've worked your whole life and your identity is who what your job is, and then you you feel guilty because you're like, I'm sometimes not enjoying this, or you feel like, okay, I used to always have financial ways myself. Now I'm leaning on my partner. That's a weird feeling. You feel again, it's like groundhog day sometimes. And then, you know, if your friends are working and you're staying at home, you're like, well, where's my people? You kind of just it's a huge identity shift, and it can feel really confusing. And again, you've, you know, working moms feel like they get shame. Stay-at-home moms feel like they get shame. The common thing is moms feel guilty or shame no matter what we do.

SPEAKER_04: 17:35

We don't feel like we can get it right. And again, I think that's a lot of societal pressure. I think a lot of it is social media pressure. But recognize if you are showing up for your child, whether you stay at home, you work at home, or you work outside of the home, whatever that situation is, you are showing up for your child in so many ways. It is, it looks different because it is a different situation for so many people, but you're still showing up for your child. And again, that guilt and shame, we reserve those emotions for if we've done something wrong. You're not doing wrong by staying home or working. There's not a wrong with that. We are all doing the best we can. And as moms, we need to build each other up. That's a little soapbox that I absolutely will get on. As moms, we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. We're all just trying to raise good humans.

SPEAKER_02: 18:28

That's it.

SPEAKER_04: 18:29

And that's hard for us all.

SPEAKER_01: 18:31

Yeah, it's hard for us all. And, you know, and someone once said to me, no one struggles at like 80%. Everybody struggles at 100%, like right. And like you can't see that invisible struggle, but it's happening. And just because, and again, the comparison factor, social media doesn't help, just because your friend does it one way doesn't mean you have to do it that way. Um, do what works for your family, and you just have to be confident that here's another really good one. Hey, Whitney, if I'm the one who supports everyone, but no one checks in on me.

SPEAKER_04: 19:02

That is such a hard place to be because you literally feel like you are the backbone or the foundation for everybody, and you just want it to get reciprocated.

SPEAKER_02: 19:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 19:14

And, you know, to this person, you know, I'm gonna share a little bit about myself, but I would encourage you to recognize do they put that expectation on you of checking in on them? Is that external pressure put on you, or are you putting that pressure in on yourself? Okay, so guilty as I can be on this one. Like I put that pressure on myself. It was unnecessary pressure. Yes, it absolutely was unnecessary pressure. I did put that pressure on myself, but then I also had to remind myself people can't hit an invisible target. You hear people talk about the moving target. I think my target was invisible because I never said out loud that I needed someone to check in on me.

SPEAKER_02: 20:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 20:00

And until I voiced that to my husband and to my friends, it wasn't going to happen.

SPEAKER_02: 20:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 20:10

And then once I voiced I needed that, then I was like, oh, well, there's the support that I was looking for. They just didn't know I needed it. Or maybe they didn't know I needed it in that way. Because think about love languages. You know, me and my friend could have two different love languages and they were trying to show it to me in their way because that's how they express love. And because that wasn't maybe my primary love language, I was like, what's happening? What are we doing?

SPEAKER_02: 20:35

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 20:36

Yeah. No, I think you have to almost assume the best of people of that they do want to know if you're struggling. They do want to check in. But again, I think everybody has so much on their plate that it is, you know, and it is weird. But sometimes saying, Hey guys, I'm struggling here with this. I'm not will. Check in on me. Or I feel super isolated in this moment. Or guys, things are really hard with my kid right now. And just check in, or I just had a level, whatever it is, just think the best of people. But again, it's that next step of being vulnerable to say that it is hard. I think we all struggle with that. Thought these questions, Whitney, were big heavy hitters. They were. But they're such good, thoughtful questions. Thoughtful questions that we can bring into this new year. Because I do think coming off holidays, we're in this new year, we are all kind of looking inward, or maybe we've experienced things if the holidays were still not over. That it's time to kind of like put it out there. So I guess our challenge, if we're talking about January 2026 challenges, is if this resonates, if anything we've talked about resonates, dive a little deeper, reach out to a therapist, share with a friend, just realize it if it bothers you, it matters. Like little to bitch. Yeah. From journaling to taking those walks to talking to someone to setting small achievable things, like, you know, that makes you bring your joy back. But the whole point of previous for people to know they're not alone and how they're feeling. There is a community. This is a movement of trying to get into mother support mothers of lived experience and bringing attention to things that matter from mental health to friendships to navigating life.

SPEAKER_04: 22:29

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 22:30

And that's what we're here for unifying moms. Absolutely. Well, Whitney, we're not going anywhere for this year. So, listeners, we appreciate you share this episode with someone that might also help start a conversation. But we will be back next week.

SPEAKER_00: 22:46

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkers, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.