SPEAKER_01: 0:09

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Lives Podcast. And I've got Whitney here. And we, Whitney, have been kind of on a friendship like relationship kick. Yeah. So why not kind of bounce off of last week's episode? And we're now not assuming that this person is angry, mad at us. Right. We're just gonna talk about something that happens to a lot of us in relationships and friendships. Kind of the friendship fade.

SPEAKER_02: 0:39

Yes. And it happens to everybody. So I just want to normalize that for anybody that could be experiencing it. You're not alone.

SPEAKER_01: 0:48

No. And you're like, okay, well, what is that? And it's like, well, maybe, you know, let's let's say it's your college friends, right? So let's think about college. You go to college or grad school friends, let's or school friends, high school friends, right? So you're going to the same school, you're in the same activities, you're doing the same things, you're doing life with these people, right? Right. And you have a lot of freedom. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02: 1:15

You know, I mean, yes, you have classes and those responsibilities, but you only have to take care of you more often than not.

SPEAKER_01: 1:22

Uh-huh. And so you're, you know, it's easier to grab that brunch. It's easier to go to that workout class. It's easier to midday have that phone catch-up session when a guy was crazy to them, or you know, she had something. And it just was like flexible, like and attainable, and more easy to be more available. You had more capacity. Yeah. So those people, let's say, you know, early marriage into life, early career, still, right? You got the responsibilities were adding a little bit more. Right. But it's you yourself and I, right? And then the marriage or the relationship or the career takes off more. You start seeing those girl coffee dates get a, you know, your coffee dates get a little fewer. Maybe the text messages are honest. The girl track keeps slowing down a little. Maybe, you know, you notice the girl weekends once they were like, you know, twice a year. You're lucky now you're getting once a year. Right. And you before you know it, it's a shift. And it's a shift that you feel and you start questioning, okay, well, what what whoa, how did this happen? But it's not like you're looking at each other in this conversation, be going, Whitney, gosh, we used to see each other all the time. And I used to like we used to text throughout the day, and now I looked at my phone and I haven't texted you back in a week.

SPEAKER_02: 2:55

Right. And that happens, you know, we have to remember, you know, college life and grad school life, which for me, grad school was a little bit different. I was already married. I was a little bit older than most of my classmates. But if you go straight from undergrad to grad school, it really is a continuation of college. You don't have tiny humans to keep alive.

SPEAKER_01: 3:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 3:17

Chances are you're not fully financially responsible for yourself. You've got some assistance from your parents, you know, maybe not full. Maybe you do have some bills and you've got a job for it. But maybe that job isn't your career.

SPEAKER_01: 3:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 3:33

You know, maybe it's one of those that you're able to work part-time at Publix or Target or wherever. So you still have some flexibility in your schedule. You still have the ability to do those things. But then as we get older, then we nail that career job. We land it. But it's nine to five Monday through Friday. And if you're a nurse, if you're in social work, if you are in counseling, and so many other professions, we've got our licenses to maintain. And so we might spend some of our weekends doing those CEUs. So our weekends are not as free and open as they were. Maybe we get married right out of college. And so then our focus and our time goes into investing into our marriage. Maybe we relocate. You know, maybe somebody moves to another state, even if it's still close, it's still another state. It's not a college campus.

SPEAKER_01: 4:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 4:35

And so as life goes on, it's not that anybody is mad at anybody else. It is an unfortunate reality that as we get older and as our lives change, sometimes friendships do end up on the back burner.

SPEAKER_01: 4:51

Yeah. And becoming closer to my coworkers because I was with them for 12 hours, right? And then being so tapped out mentally by time I got home that I just wanted to take a shower, eat supper, you know, watch a show and go to bed and wake up and do it all over again the next day. Exactly. And you almost just start again, your own little life kind of takes over. But then when you have kids, and I think pregnancy, you know, that's you can really still be engaged a lot more with your friends, you know, and it's first pregnancy. First, first pregnancy. Yes, absolutely. First pregnancy, and it's not the the capacity, is it's starting to go, but it's still you still have it. And it really is a time you want to like lean into your friends and talk about your pregnancy and like this happened to you. What should I get for the baby? And then when the baby comes and you're just like, it feels like somebody's fighting for your life, you know, to shower or to brush your teeth, especially as your first baby. Then if you add in more, I mean, it's just like those text messages get way put on the back burner. Not again, no ill will. That girls' trip, like that, that's lucky if that's happening like every two years, right? At all. But the it does hurt, right? There is a grief of like, I miss my friendships, I miss that flexibility, I miss the capacity I once had. Right. And it's not like you're ever gonna go back. Like this is life.

SPEAKER_02: 6:34

That's the thing too, is once you get married, once you have kids, you can't go back to psychology. Yeah. And I will say this like there's definitely times where I miss college life.

SPEAKER_01: 6:52

100%.

SPEAKER_02: 6:53

Yeah, like if I could go back for a day, I absolutely would. 1010, I would go back because who wouldn't love to go back to college where you're free, you get to do what you want, you get to hang out with your friends, all those things, and you have you're young enough to have the energy for it.

SPEAKER_01: 7:15

Yeah. You know, which now one late night for me, I feel like I take three to five business days to recover. It's like a hangover. It is, it is like this isn't it is wild to me what lack of sleep does now. But I we're not alone. And I, you know, I love to research things and sound in the 2022 journal social and personal relationships, which whoever knew there was a journal of that, but they found that women's friendships satisfaction dips significantly in the early years of motherhood. And the most reasons they are saying is time, lack of time, and role conflict, because now you are that mother. You have a little human being that's eat, we eat, wake, sleep, every need is dependent on you. The house, I mean, if it's milk, that's probably on you. If it's diapers, that's on you. If it's a doctor's appointment plus work plus life plus family. So it's something that I just don't think we talk about is that dip in friendships. And it is again one of those that it's it's called the friendship grief, right? Because there's no you can love someone very, very deeply, but you recognize that that relationship, maybe that this is not the season, or you're allowed to kind of grieve it without anybody being wrong. Like no one's the bad guy here.

SPEAKER_02: 8:46

Absolutely. Well, and if you, you know, I think back on my college friendships, I was very lucky to be very close to those people during that time. And even a little bit afterwards, even though we were kind of in different places, we still made it a point to call and text and things of that nature, and now we're all in our motherhood journey. You know, my friends, their kids are a little bit older than mine and things of that nature. But when we do finally get to talk, or when we do finally get to go get lunch or whatever, we pick up where we left off.

SPEAKER_01: 9:18

100%. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 9:19

It's not like we've gone over a year without seeing each other. And so to reassure anyone who's listening, just because there's been a difference in the frequency of communication, that doesn't mean that the friendship is null and void.

SPEAKER_01: 9:36

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 9:36

Probably quite the opposite, because when you do get to have that opportunity to talk with that friend, you're all in. Like there is no small talk, it's just, how are you? Let's talk about what you're doing. And like you're you're really digging into that person and where they're at and how they truly are, not just a passing, hey, hope you're good. No, no. Like we're we're really getting into the nitty-gritty with these people because we've lived some very crucial times of our lives with them.

SPEAKER_01: 10:06

Yeah, the vulnerability and the openness and transparency of quickly being like, you know, yeah, this is going on with my kid. Yeah, this is what's happening at work, and this is what I'm struggling with. And again, just just knowing that they have a history and a background on you, and they've, like you said, done life with you. And I do think kind of the fade and hard can be when your kids are at different stages and ages, right? So when say if you have a baby and I have my age kids, you know, especially I'm seeing it more with my oldest, like that seven going on eight, you're really in, you're out of the preschool. Can like you're you're in elementary, which there's a lot more to that of what your what your kids are recognizing, what they're bringing you to, what it's situations you're now placed in, versus where they're like, you know, they can't walk, they can't talk, and you know, feet, sleep, repeat, and you, you know, those moms are over there going, like, okay, I feel like I'm groundhog day, and you're over here going, okay, why am I googling first grade math? How to get this answer, you know, and or you're dealing with friendship conflicts with your child now in school. Right. So it's different, kind of again, and then you would automatically kind of go towards someone with this kid in your same age to say, Hey, Whitney, what are you doing about this? Like, you know, walk me through this, or even an older mom say and say, Okay, what did you go through this with your kid? Tell me. And it's nothing against the person with the baby, it's just like they haven't lived that life or they're not relating. Right.

SPEAKER_02: 11:47

Well, and that's the thing too, is you want to talk to someone who has gone into that territory with their kid before. Because as mom's like every age and stage is uncharted territory.

SPEAKER_01: 11:59

Hundred, yes. And it's and that is something that I had to recognize because I think everybody's like, oh, when you get through when they sleep, it'll get better. When they're a toddler, it'll get better. And you then realize, wow, I I'm learning all I learn every time with my first one, just like when he was a when I was a new mom and he was an infant.

SPEAKER_02: 12:21

Right. And that's the thing too, is I vividly remember when both my kids were newborn baby stage, and I just kept thinking, oh, I can't wait for when they're older and they can dress themselves or you know, whatever it is. And we're at those ages and stages now, and I'm over here like, give me the newborn.

SPEAKER_01: 12:39

I yes, and give me the newborn. I mean, I don't have a uterus, you know, anymore, but like I saw this little chunky monkey, the most cutest infant the other day, and I was like, gosh, if I could go back a little bit. And I was like, What I never, though, in that stage would have I would say that. But I do think in the friendships, you're both dealing with hard, right? But it's the complexity of different situations with your kids, and you do kind of lean towards people in your same season, right?

SPEAKER_02: 13:17

Oh, absolutely.

unknown: 13:18

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 13:19

And again, that's nothing, but that is a that is a pool that happens, right? Is you may become more close again to that. And I guess it's hard too, because I think this friendship fade often is a bigger conversation of you feel maybe lost in your identity a little bit in motherhood or who I am now. Like, who have I become? You're kind of, you know, the trend we talk about this, the transition into motherhood, right? The shift of identity, of becoming a mother that doesn't just like happen when your baby's born. It's a continuation of, you know, you are restructuring what your life is like kind of constantly as your child grows. Right. True friendships will evolve alongside you, right? Absolutely. But always believe the loyalty is to your family first, right? Then your friendships. Like, you know, if your kids going through something, the girls' weekend may not happen. If you know, you you you have to have really so much flexibility and grace for your friendships. Um I mean, and too, it's like I feel like it's just given if you're gonna plan something, your child's either gonna get sick or you're gonna get sick, or there's gonna be a life event that's gonna occur.

SPEAKER_02: 14:42

Yes, because why wouldn't it happen then? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. If it was a normal weekend, it nothing bad would happen.

SPEAKER_01: 14:50

They would not come home from school throwing up when you're trying to leave at four o'clock to go see your friends. That would that just wouldn't happen.

SPEAKER_02: 14:58

No, mm-mm. No, because you know, such is life. Life has a way of being like, oh, that's cute. You made some plans. No, no, ma'am. You don't get to do that.

SPEAKER_01: 15:07

You're gonna put on real pants today and do your hair and show up and have a meal without like a child sitting on you, that's not gonna occur.

SPEAKER_02: 15:16

Yeah, I'm wrong.

SPEAKER_01: 15:17

Wrong. But that is, I mean, you almost have to just embrace the fact that now you do have so many other factors into getting to that weekend, to getting to that dinner, to making whatever that is, which so do your friends, and so do your friends.

SPEAKER_02: 15:34

And the thing is, your friends that have children, they have dealt with the same obstacles. So if those are the people that you have to say, sorry, my I just got a call from the school nurse, my kid is throwing up, I have to go, I can't make our plans. They've done it before too.

SPEAKER_01: 15:51

Yeah, and you have to see that. And I always do when you do get to see each other. I mean, it's kind of like the hidden, hidden challenges that you almost see in that other person go, I know what you went through to get here.

SPEAKER_02: 16:03

Right. Absolutely. They get it. And you know what? They're probably the one that's gonna send you some DoorDash.

SPEAKER_01: 16:09

100% and just say, This is, I get it. And I think, you know, motherhead does not ruin friendships, right? Like that is not, that's not it. It it reveals how we are stretching. It reveals, like, I always look at my, you know, I look at you, I look at my other friends, and I go, my gosh, like they're super moms. Like the stuff that I know, because then you know what they're going through, but they're still showing up for their kids, or they're still, it could be a week later, but they're still responding to you, or you know they're thinking about you, right? You you recognize, like you just know, because you're like, I know they got up, and I knew that you know it's class party time, and I know that they did the late grocery run, or they got their kids muffins to school, and here they are doing this. It's like you cheer each other on, it's like this appreciation what they're going through and gets it, but you know, I think friendships sometimes go on pause a little bit during different stages, and that's okay. And again, nothing's wrong.

SPEAKER_02: 17:11

It's not personal, it is not personal, and remind yourself of that because especially when we're newly postpartum, but I think too, even when we've been in the trenches of motherhood, and if we're going through an especially difficult time in motherhood, we're more likely to think, what did I do wrong, and more likely to panic. Recognize this is a challenging part of motherhood. Yeah. And that it's not personal, it's really not.

SPEAKER_01: 17:41

And it you and this welcomes different season trappers, you know, welcome, I think, new friendships, new relationships. And I truly believe people come alongside you at different times and places and seasons for reasons. Um there is there is a friendship life outside of when your kids are young and it comes, and then when they're teenagers and when they're off in college, but it does so. If I just we just hope this vulnerability of this episode, if you you know, you have felt that shift with a friend and you're like, hey, what's up? Or you know, this is a little bit different, there's probably nothing wrong. It just is life. Yeah, life just happens. But then but what you can do is just give yourself and that person a lot of grace. And you guys have common ground, is that you know, you both want the best for each other, and what that looks like may not be that everyday text anymore, everyday call. And it that the phone calls or the messages, I mean, it could be Instagram reels checking back and forth with each other of you. That's a form of like communication, friendship in the mother herb right now.

SPEAKER_02: 18:52

Absolutely. I mean, that's that's bestie territory.

SPEAKER_01: 18:55

That is, and that's that's where you really see inner workings of each other.

SPEAKER_02: 19:00

Yes, especially when you say the same thing to each other within 20 minutes and not realizing it.

SPEAKER_01: 19:07

You're like, oh, well, that tells you how much like we're really like out of capacity.

SPEAKER_02: 19:11

And we share a brain.

SPEAKER_01: 19:12

Yes, we do. But guys, we appreciate you being with our little friendship two episode series that we did about mothers, we need each other, and we need to again realize we're not in this alone and how to work through healthy relationships and always that we're again better together than apart.

SPEAKER_02: 19:32

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 19:34

All right, guys, we'll be back next week. But again, if you have never gone through and done a deep dive with some of our previous episodes, I really suggest that you go back through, share, send. If there's something you want us to talk about, send it to us and we'll talk about it. So we'll see you next week. See you guys.

SPEAKER_00: 19:52

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkers, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.