Why Milestones Feel So Conflicting

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Lions Podcast. I have got my favorite Whitney with me. Whitney, how are you? Hi friends, I'm good. How are y'all? Well, we're good, but we were talking, and I think this is a good conversation bring from offline to online, which is how a lot of the best episodes come. It is how milestones of our kids is amazing. It's sad. Yeah. It's happy. It's conflicting. It's triggering. It's all the things.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

It's everything. It's, you know, it's one of those we're going to have conflicting, coexisting emotions. And that's not always the easiest thing to manage or to know how to cope with. And that that's okay. We can call it for what it is. But you know, as mothers, I feel like birthdays and milestones, they are so bittersweet. Because for so long we think, oh my goodness, am I ever going to get out of this newborn phase where I'm waking up every two and a half to three hours to feed my baby? And then they get to be toddlers. And you're like, oh my goodness, are we ever going to get out of the terrible twos? Are we ever going to be potty trained? Are we ever going to do this? And before you know it, your baby is starting kindergarten.

unknown 1:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

And then before you know it, they are halfway through elementary school or they're starting middle school. Or, you know, just it keeps on going. And you're thinking, no, no, no, no. Like you're only supposed to be two and a half. There's no way you could be seven, eight, nine, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Yeah. No, it's, you know, we prepare so much for the birth of the baby, right? And we like it's a baby shower and we're trying to read the books. We're doing everything. And we don't really prepare for these milestones in the way of knowing it's coming. And it does. And I think it is sometimes hard to go, oh gosh, was that the last time they said mom that way? Now they're actually going to say mom. It's a mum mum. You know, it's like you're going, oh, or is this the last time that they'll want, you know, my son recently, he used to just love, which I'm actually thankful and grateful, but these little yogurt pouches. It was a thing he wanted to have like a little like snack before bed with this little book kind of thing. Yeah. And then gave those up, which I'm thankful and grateful because I was gonna have to pull the trigger on those anyways. But it was kind of sad in some ways. I'm like, what am I even doing? Just be like little sad about something. Right. Or the last time that like I can't really carry my almost eight-year-old anymore.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Right. Or one time it dawned on me, I was like, you know, when is the last time I turned on bubble guppies for my kids? Little things that you're just like like when did that happen?

When Mental Health Steals Memories

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Where they just look older in a moment, or they say something, and I don't know. It just it's this moment of like, I'm happy for you, I'm ill prepared, how to parrot you now in this new stage. Because it came in, it came in so fast, and but I think it is the new development that they're going through does trigger reflection in us, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:22

And how couldn't? Yeah. Well, and you know, for me, I think it's one of those, especially going through infertility, really trying to be intentional with motherhood, but also balancing how exhausting motherhood can be at times. I recognize, oh my goodness, this time has gone by so quickly. Did I do everything I needed to? Was I as kind as I needed to be? Did I teach them things that I needed to teach them during that phase? Did I really savor all of these moments? And honestly, a lot of the time I can say, yes, I did really try to slow down and be in that moment. And it still went by fast.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

Yeah. And I'll be honest, you know, some of the, especially in my oldest, when I know I was really struggling with depression and anxiety, I see, you know, how I get like Google Photos does the flashback to so many years from that day. And I remember him, but some of those moments and cores, I'm just like, I think it stole some of that from me. And I think I do get a little sad sometimes going, I was living in such a state that I know I didn't fully embrace that moment because I was not mentally able to, but like I it does. It triggers that I'm so glad I'm not like that mentally right now. I'm sad for me at that moment, you know. And I do kind of wish I went back and was more if my second I did a better job, which I think, you know, once you have the second or third or fourth, you kind of can't fixate so much on that first. So, like you have to be more like relaxed and balanced, especially for our type personalities. Yeah. But it does trigger those emotions for me because it's it's hard to say, oh, I know what I was like in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

Right. Yeah. And it's hard to reflect on either postpartum anxiety or depression, OCD, PTSD playing a role in that. If you had trauma during your deliveries and like maybe you were on several drips and things of that nature, like you may honestly not remember so much of it. And that's a really hard place to be. That is grief. You are allowed to grieve those things. And when you look back on those pictures, you may not even really be able to envision what that was. Like the pictures there, it's proof, but your brain's like, I don't remember doing that.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

And I think you've lost something because it's hard, it's grief, it's it is grief, and you know, I think you can have joy and grief at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

And processing too, I mean, you could have lost grandparent during that time, too. And you may not have had anxiety depression, but you were so deeply impacted, or your husband lost their job during that period. And so going back to those phases that you get those memories of, yeah, sometimes ain't all just pretty.

Naming Grief Without Shame

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Yeah. Well, and I mean, you mentioned losing a grandparent. A lot of our listeners know back in 2022, I lost both of my grandfathers and my husband lost his stepdad all within two months of each other. And when I tell you, aside from going to the services and things like that, like very big pivotal moments, do I really remember what that was like? Like, do I remember my oldest being in kindergarten from October to December of 2022? I sure don't. I really don't. And that is a grief because I'm like, man, she's nine and I lost those months. Like, what happened during that time? And I know what happened, but my brain is like, hi, we we kind of had to prioritize what we were actually going to remember.

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Yeah, yeah. And I just don't think people talk about it openly. Yeah. And I think it carries shame when you don't speak about it. So hopefully, this conversation, if anybody else feels that way, they know they're not alone and we can we can shed some light. But I do think, too, what I didn't understand till I was mom is you know, when your kid is from the taller, now they're starting to enter into like preschool, early elementary. Yeah, like that's the last time you're ever gonna know them at that stage. Yeah. It's rough, and that's wild. Yeah. And it's like the stage they're in now, they're never going back to this stage, right?

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

And that mentally messes me up. Like, because I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, oh my gosh, they're gonna get married and they're gonna leave me. That's the next step of life. When it's like, no, we have many years for this. But there's really not, I mean, you don't know when it's the last contact nap. You don't know when it's the last time they asked to be carried. You don't know when it's like, right. I mean, it happens like the last day of preschool or the or the, you know, whatever, but you're just like, oh, where where did it go? Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

Well, and it's such a weird double-edged sword that it's there's not this announcement of this is the last time your kid is gonna say lunicorn instead of unicorn. Yeah. Because if we knew it was coming, oh, we would be a mess all the time. But also when you realize, oh, it's been a little while since they asked me to carry them up the stairs. When was that the last time? And we're in that very surreal state of, oh, my kids are getting bigger. Just like it hit me the other day. The principal had sent out an email saying, Hey, we're in spring semester, and you know, it always goes by quickly. Here's important dates. And I was like, My youngest is over halfway done with kindergarten. Like, I'm sorry, what now? No, like she was just born like a year ago, right? COVID was only a year ago because she's a COVID baby, but no, like she'll be six in August, and that's very surreal.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

It is, and then you know, I have found myself looking at baby photos, or you know, where it does remind you and my husband be like, What are you doing? I'm like, I don't know. I've just been looking at baby photos for the past 30 minutes of my life after they went to bed. You know, it's allowing myself to be in my fields. Like you do you, let me do me with my Google photos over here. And it's so hard when you are in a busy season of life to fully appreciate that of what you are in. And some days life is just crazy and you're not fixated on that was the last time, and you're just like, Oh, I cannot wait till you can wipe your own butt, you know, and that's okay too.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Yeah. See, here's the thing though, there are parts of stages and ages that I'm like, for the love of God, can we get through this quicker? Then there are parts that I want to hang on to. For whatever reason, both my children and their girls, mind you, they love like potty humor. They just think it's hilarious. And when I tell you, I'm so ready for that to not be a thing. I'm ready for six, seven not to be a thing. That has finally ran its course through our house. I'm not mad about it.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

But you know, it is interesting, right? Because you're just like you when you're in the depths of newborns or in, I mean, I didn't love 12 to 18 months. That was a really hard age for both my boys. And I feel like they were incredibly frustrated, as was I, because we're like, we're trying to learn and do all the things, but we can't communicate very well our feelings, our emotions, or our needs. But you never envision yourself then one day saying, I can't wait for six, seven to not be a thing, or potty humor or whatever. So it is just an ever-changing because you're changing and they're changing at the same time. Because that's the last time you're gonna be a parent to a toddler, right? You know, but then this is the first time Whitney's going to be a parent to a pre-teenager. Yes, you're nearing those ages. God be with us.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Yeah, it's I've I've had many, many thoughts of, oh, we're about to have to have the puberty talks and the body change talks and all the things. And it's so weird because my oldest is still very much a kid. Like, she still plays with Barbies, she still uses her imagination, she still enjoys pretend playing things like that. But also at the same time, I'm like, oh, oh, we're gonna have to have these talks. And I I'm worried, like I'm taking away her innocence by doing that. But at the same time, I'm like, well, it's better to come from me than it to come from school.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Yes.

Birthdays That Reopen Birth Trauma

SPEAKER_00 12:17

It's a weird dynamic of having to just kind of I hate to say suck it up, but for lack of a better way to say that, suck it up and be like, okay, well, we're gonna have to have that conversation. Might not be enjoyable, but it it is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

And I think it's important to differentiate, like we always like to, because you know, of course, mental health focus, that birthdays, I've been pretty open. Birthdays were very, very difficult for me, right? With the birth trauma. Yes. And milestones and birthdays can kind of be similar in the sense of when does it go past reminiscing like normal, like Whitney, I get sad if I remember it, versus we're still dealing with like some unresolved trauma here that happened. You know, maybe it was even during the pregnancy, you were told a diagnosis, right? Or your birth, or something that happened in postpartum to your baby. Your baby had to go to the NICU, or they got really sick when they were talking, something, right? Like that you're like, okay, but I when I these things happen, it brings me back to this moment.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Yeah. Well, recognize that that is grief that still lives in your body, that that is trauma that still lives in your mind and body, and it's not wrong. So we really want to take away guilt, shame, and morality associations with this. It is not bad, it is not wrong, it might feel unpleasant. Fair enough. It might feel unpleasant, but it's not bad or wrong. Allowing yourself an opportunity to recognize that trauma, even if you process it, even if you do EMDR and you feel like you've really come a long way in healing, it never truly leaves us. It is a part of our story. So when those birthdays come around, when you know the Google photo pops up of you in the hospital and all of that kind of stuff, that's when you can say, yes, that did happen to me. Yes, that was hard. I am still allowed to grieve it, and that's okay that I do that. So giving yourself permission and space to feel that, really trying to remove guilt and shame from that to the best of your ability, is how you are less traumatized when it comes back up.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

And I know, you know, for both boys, I actually with my oldest, it was very apparent. I was very like, I did not want to really focus on the birthday. I would do the party, do the whole thing, but I would just have a very hard day. I would be distant, it would be like almost physically, like I just needed it to be over. Like it was a physical response. And I did do EMDR therapy for that, and that helped tremendously. Right. And then my second birth was still very traumatic too. But I think I was what women do is like we're like, well, it wasn't as bad as this one, but in reality, it was to its own issue. Right. And I was like, I noticed it too. And it it was avoidance, it was sadness, it was like physical symptoms. It was, I don't want to go back there in my head. Right. And then it was even to the point if I would drive by the hospital, that bothered me. So those were red flags within myself that I'd never heard anybody say, hey, if you had a traumatic birth or a traumatic experience, this is how it affected me. Mm-hmm.

Red Flags and Finding Support

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Yeah. Well, and I think more often than not, it's hard for women to talk about their traumatic experiences for obvious reasons. But too, I think they're so worried about being shamed by others. And they're just so worried that it's going to isolate them even more that they don't really want to roll the dice on that. Yeah. And that is where I would really encourage women, you know, if you know your village, if you know your community, that's a great place where you can have those conversations. But also, you know, looking online for online support groups, seeing if there's any support groups near you, because that is where you can actually come to realize that unfortunately birth trauma, NICU trauma, it's not as rare as we think it is.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Yeah. It's it's and I think on the flip side too, if you are dealing with a disabled child, or you know, there's disabilities at play, or they're having an illness, right? And milestones can also be very difficult if your child isn't aligned to status quo normal textbook, right? Or you can see some of your friends' kids, right, or your family, or even another child that you, if you have multiple children who are doing all those things we're celebrating the last time of doing this, and you're grieving that other child is not having those same experiences or different look of milestones.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Right.

Sneaky Triggers You Never Expect

SPEAKER_02 17:29

Absolutely. So I think it's a very individual complex that we are very black and white creatures in general of like, is it joy or is it grief? Tell me that two can coexist. Actually, multiple emotions can coexist at the same time. And it's hard and it's confusing. It is very confusing. What do you see a lot of times with your clients of things that may be tricky triggers of this like phases or milestones or birth that maybe just caught them off guard?

SPEAKER_00 18:05

So one thing is this is gonna sound so weird. When they stop getting coupons for formula in the mail. Okay. Because that usually ends around the one-year mark, and they're just like, wait, what do you mean my child can get on regular milk? That that doesn't seem normal at all. Things like that. Like you said, the Google Photos, because sometimes Google Photos, it will just pop something up for funsies. And when I tell you, it's not the day and the time and the place, but a Google Photos will do that to you.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

You know, again, we talk about the birthday, but sometimes the six-month mark. Yeah. That can be kind of that, oh, it's been half a year. What do you mean my baby is six months or eighteen months old? Or they're four and a half and they're gonna start kindergarten, or they're 17 and a half and they're going into their senior year of high school. Like, what do you mean that's what's going on here? Pre-K graduation pictures. No one told me that would send me the way that it did with both of my children. Sent gone. Like, why? Rude. Nobody needed that. I did, you know. I mean, I bought them. Don't get me wrong. Of course we bought. Of course I bought them, clearly, but also my heart, it hurts. Yeah, it just means my newborn is graduating, pre-K and going to kindergarten. No.

SPEAKER_02 19:38

Well, you know, I think too, like sometimes if you're buying something for like a baby shower and you walk in the baby aisle and you haven't been there in years, and you're just like, oh, that like gut punches me in a level. And there's something about a newborn baby, which again, totally get it. If you're like hands off germs, just look, don't touch. But you know, if you do get to snuggle that little newborn, there's something about that little scrunch that just I mean, activates something inside me that my husband's like, thank God you physically can't have more children. Because that would be the next conversation. But then I get my sanity and then I'd be okay. But it would be it's it is just the conversation sometimes are are you done, you know, or do you want another one? That can be tricky with milestones. I think to be cautious of milestones in those conversations because that could be emotionally vulnerable times. Absolutely. So those are probably not the decision to be made at preschool graduation.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

But that's making you cry whenever you have a procedure and you go under anesthesia, like you're not allowed to basically make any decisions aside what you want for lunch for the next 48 hours. Like you do not sign any paperwork, you don't buy anything. Really, we need to look at that at these milestones too. We don't need to make a big decision of we want another child while I'm in tears about my baby graduating pre-K. That's really not the best timing for it. Because I'm obviously gonna be like, yes, let me redo all of this. But logistically, financially, like all these other reasons can be stacked against my emotions.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

But when I am that emotional, my logic is gone.

Letters to Your Kids and Yourself

SPEAKER_02 21:34

It's gone. And I think that's okay too. And I think that is part of just naturally how we are insanely crazy in love, passionate about our children, and these memories. And it's just like you live life with these little creatures that are yours. And you're also look back and be proud of yourself. Oh, absolutely. You're never, you had no really knowledge about being a mom. And here you are looking back of all the things you've done.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Right. One thing I would encourage all moms to do, and again, this is kind of going back to 2022, where you know, after somebody dies and everybody comes to the funeral or they write it on Facebook or whatever the case is, and they talk about how wonderful that person was that died and all the things that they loved about that person and all of their wonderful attributes. You need one to do that to yourself. You need to tell yourself all the good things that you're doing for your children. Also, and I try to do this on birthdays and then major milestones like starting a new school year and things like that. I write a letter to my kids of all the different things that they've accomplished over the past six months to a year, funny things that they say during that time frame, how proud I am of them, things like that. That way, unfortunately, when my time does come to die, my kids know how much I loved them. Love that. Don't wait until someone is dead to tell them the good about them. And same for you. You have to reaffirm yourself in motherhood.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yeah. And you know, have your mom friends who see it and they know and cheer each other on. And you notice that milestone, and you know, like, hey, Whitney's in the corner, cry with her preschool pictures. You know, that's when it's, you know, Whitney, you're doing amazing. Like, right. And this is hard.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

It's okay that you're a little emotional. Time went quick. The days are long, but the years are short. Oh, yeah. It's a very true cliche.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

It's so good. But I hope this episode finds everyone where you are. And it's very again, it's something we all deal with. So we never know when the attack of Google Photos is going to come at us and remind us of a couple years ago or that little chubby faces they used to have. But all things can be true, emotions and feelings, and sit with it. No, it will pass. Yeah. And it's not a bad thing. No guilt or shame. No guilt or shame. Okay, listeners, we cheering you on as always, and we'll be back next time. See ya.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkhurst, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.