Welcome And Lack Of Independence

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney, and who's 4th of July, Whitney?

SPEAKER_04 0:17

Yay! We made it through another holiday.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

We made it. And we are going to do this episode. And it's Whitney, what did you say? Lack of independence.

SPEAKER_04 0:27

Yes, it's a lack of independence day for us moms because we we do not get to be alone. We do not get to be independent. We don't get to do things independently.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Yes, it is. I love my kids, but I miss my freedom. Or I miss who I was. Or I realize that person before kids is never coming back. And she's not. And it's a new version. And I think this whole conversation is just kind of normalizing what a lot of people feel. It's a loss plus a happiness, a grief of being like at the same time, of like, hey, what happened? Um, I used to be able to use the restroom by myself. Or I used to be able to make decisions about my life, or maybe even like my career, and that's gone. Or it could be the fact of just the identity shift, the autonomy shift. And then there's a lot of sacrifices, invisibly and visible, that occur in motherhood. But it's

Grief, Joy, And Losing Autonomy

SPEAKER_00 1:25

really about, you know, putting away that older version of yourself in a way of recognizing that chapter has changed. You're not regretful of this decision or this motherhood, but it it's a transition.

SPEAKER_04 1:38

It's new. Right. Absolutely. Well, and it's one of those, it's hard to accept that the phase that you're in is temporary when it feels like it will never end. You know, I can remember my kids being toddlers thinking, I just want to go to the bathroom by myself. Like, why can't I have 90 seconds to myself? And now that my kids are nine and almost six, sometimes I get to go to the bathroom alone. Not every time. Okay, we're not gonna go too wild. Okay. Sometimes my my six-year-old, my COVID baby, is like, no, you cannot be in a different room than me. That's silly talk. Why would you do that? But sometimes I do get to do that. I'm like, okay, I see little glimmers of them gaining their independence back, which means I'm getting mine too. But on that same token, I still find myself, my brain is not fully mine for me only anymore. You know, we we've talked about decision fatigue and always, you know, forward thinking for our kids and all of that. And I think that ties into this too, because we're never only just thinking about ourselves or just us and our spouse anymore. We're always thinking ahead for our kids, even when they do become more independent. When you do get out of that really hard stage, when you're in the trenches of toddlerhood and newborn and all of those things, you're still thinking ahead. I've got full-age kids, and I'm always thinking ahead, trying to be two steps ahead, trying to be proactive. Now, are they asking that of me? Absolutely not, because they have no idea how to ask for that.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Right, right. And they don't need no, they don't. And it's I think too, though, what makes it so hard to even have this discussion is society conditions us to say, enjoy every second, Whitney. Be grateful. At least you have kids. You will miss this. And it's just like there is certain stages I will not miss. There are certain moments that I will not miss.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

I will not miss the bathroom talk stage. No, will not miss that. Ready for that to be a thing of the past.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Yeah. I mean, it's and I, you know, I it was so hard, honestly, to have postpartum depression and have postpartum

Decision Fatigue And Gratitude Pressure

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PTSD from the traumatic bursts, and to wake up and be sleep deprived and my body to try to be killing and feeling like I'm in this fog. Right. I don't want that experience for anybody again. So then it is hard when someone is like, well, you should be grateful, right? And then it's like, wait, my life has changed this way, and there's no, and all I can see forward is is this new that I feel like the old me's gone. So it's it's this whole it's you know, matrix, right? Or where it's like where we are physically, mentally, spiritually transitioning into motherhood, right? Like it is a full process that we are becoming this new, and it's it's a reconstruction of who we are. But with any reconstruction remodeling, it's messy, it's very messy and it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_04 4:53

Sometimes unforeseen things pop up, things that we didn't know were gonna be there. And as a therapist, I can tell you so often, moms come in to address their postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, postpartum PTSD, all of these things that fall into that maternal mental health category. And good job, mamas, for coming in. But when we start to kind of get where we're out of that crisis mode, coping skills are starting to help. If you're starting a medication, the medication is starting to help. And then we realize oh, some of these fears or behaviors that I have as a parent is because I don't want to repeat what happened to me as a child or what happened to my parents, or we're learning from history. And so we realize in that reconstruction, in that remodeling, oh, there was a loose wire behind that wall that I didn't know was there. And I think and it's actually tied to the postpartum as well. You know, it's just so often, you know, you have those moms that say, Well, I don't feel anxious, but I'm just angry. And I'm like, Okay, so your anxiety is actually showing up as an anger or

Postpartum Mental Health And Old Wounds

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a rage type situation. Yes, let's get coping skills on board, let's start to regulate. But there's there's something else going on. There's a loose wire behind a wall, or there's a leaky pipe, or there is something going on that we have to start to redo. And it's okay that we redo those things.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

And it's not something that you're ever prepped for, you know. I feel like it's it's one of those things that even, you know, when you're learning about when you're pregnant and you're learning about early motherhood, or even if your friends have experienced it, that's probably not the first conversation they're gonna have with you. Is like, hey, Whitney, let me tell you, all these childhood wounds came up when I started being a mom, or when my kid hit taller stage, you know, their defiance or the you know, their tantrums really triggered me and made me realize this, or I felt overwhelmed, or my kid is going through this, and it reminds me of that. Like it's just not something that's spoken about, is you're going, well, why am I thinking about me, or something that happened in my family when my kids involved here? And it's so multi-tiered because you used to make just the decisions for yourself or with your partner or husband or whoever included, right? And so now these decisions impact these little humans, and their decisions impact you, and you you you get lost in it. Like your own personal needs get put to the back burner, right?

SPEAKER_04 7:31

And I think as moms, we understand that it will happen, and we're not necessarily mad about the fact that we have to do that, but I think is that no one else is trying to help us with our own needs, yeah, you know, and that that could be a whole different episode right there. But it's one of those, you know, your partner can't help you go to the bathroom alone. Like, you know, what are they gonna do for that? But one thing that I started telling my husband, I was like, this isn't your fault, and there's not a fault to be had, I said, but I would love just to be able to go to the bathroom and not get chased down by my kids, and so I would just kind of tell him, Hey, I need to go to the restroom, and he would immediately do something to distract the kids that way I could go do that. Yeah, you know, and so yes, I kind of had to reprioritize myself in there, but he worked with me, and so we had a teamwork going on of hey, I just need to be, I need to breathe for a minute, I just need to breathe for a minute.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

Well, I've noticed when we um we're very thankful my parents will come and like we'll have uh a time for me and Bill to go off together for like a couple of nights somewhere or a trip. And I've noticed it does take me like a good 48 hours in my brain to feel like, wait, who is she?

unknown 8:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Oh, she's just worrying about herself, but I'm you know, but you're really not, you're still tapped into what's going on with your care. Oh, but there's those brief moments of where you're just you know kind of remembering, like, oh, there she is for a second, like and it's it's great, it's scary at the same time. You miss her even more once you experience that. And but it is wild to be like, okay, well, what do I want to eat here? I can sit, I can actually eat.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

It's funny, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

I'm not gonna have to share off my plate, I'm not looking and going, okay, was the kid's menu? Like, it's kind of like what's happening? Like, your brain's doing like this is not me.

SPEAKER_04 9:31

I have such a relatable story to that. That's so recent. So, back in April, y'all all know that I'm a runner and I love the Disney races. However, they're very expensive, and logistically, it's a challenge to get to Disney frequently. So, Dollywood up in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, they started their own race series. And so, me and Jenny, I know a lot of our listeners know Jenny from the videos, we decided to go do the 10K together up at Pigeon Forge. So that Friday, went and dropped my kids off at school, drove up to Pigeon Forge, did all the things, met up with some of my Run Disney people at Dollywood Park. Once the park closed down, I was like, Oh, I need to go get something to eat. And so I was just driving around, found a place, and I got in there and I was like, wait a second, I I'm going in here alone? I don't have to unbuckle people. Like, what what do you mean I can just go sit at the bar by myself for a meal and I don't have to wait on a full table to open up for a party of four? It was a very surreal moment because I'm like, what do you mean I can just go where I want to go and I don't have to consult anybody? It was a very odd but also liberating feeling at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 10:44

So I went and, you know, had my meal, all the things, and I went back to the hotel. I'm like, this is so odd that I'm not like, hey, do you have your suitcase? Do I have all the kids doing the head camp, making sure nobody's gotten left behind or ran off or whatever? And then me and Jenny went and did the race the next morning. And when I tell you, I hightailed it back to Birmingham and made it to my daughter's last game in her softball tournament that got thrown on us last minute.

unknown 11:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:10

So it was that juggle of, oh, I can have this independence and I can do something for myself. But also I got a balanced motherhood in the middle of all of it too.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

But it's weird. I mean, I I told someone the other day, I said, I think I'm the most like vulnerable to be robbed or attacked out in public is when I'm by myself because I'm so my brain's like, what is occurring? Right. Like it's because it's I am so on alert with the boys of like looking

Small Breaks And Partner Teamwork

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around. She's a swivel head on a swivel, like I am just like mama lying on the prowl, you know, like ready. And it's me, I'm just all off kilter. So I think it's just, you know, it's wild, but I think a question, good question I have for this is like what part of the identity shift to you? When do you think maybe it was at its worst? And when it's been more like accepted.

SPEAKER_04 12:03

So I feel like the hardest time I had the identity shift was actually going back to work after my first daughter was born. So roughly three months postpartum with her, I went back to work and I had to be a wife, a mom, and an employee full-time. And I had to figure out how to balance all the things. I had to figure out daycare drop-offs. I had to make sure that things were, you know, lined up, that we packed enough bottles and diapers and all the like I had so many more responsibilities on my brain, even more so than when I was pregnant. And so that was a huge who am I? What am I doing? There's a lot of moving pieces again, sleep deprivation too. Keep that in mind. And so I mean my brain was probably not functioning great. Let's just throw that in there. So that was when I had that huge identity shift of, oh, I have to answer to all these people for all these things. That feels overwhelming to me. Who am I in the midst of all of this? And then as far as trying to figure out who

Solo Time Feels Surreal Again

SPEAKER_04 13:05

I am again at my core, I would say that probably came back around 2018, 2019. So my oldest was about two or three. And that's when I got back into running. And my goal was to run a 10K. And I did the training, and we did the Disney trip and the race and all that. And I was like, okay, I can reclaim part of me. Because I will never be the person who I was pre-motherhood, and that's okay. But it doesn't mean that she's completely gone. Yeah. She's not. I'm I'm not completely gone. I've had to adapt and amend. I've had to add on things.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

No, I love that.

SPEAKER_04 13:46

We do that. So think about it like you know, the illustration of a house and a renovation. You didn't get rid of the house. No, you did not get rid of the house, did not get demolished in all of this. The bones and the structure of the house are still there. We're just rearranging things.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Yeah. No. And you know, I think one of my lowest is when I I didn't even realize a lot of my identity, which I think we put this on as I mean, if you even think from like schoolage on, they're like, Well, what do you want to do in Europe? What do you want to be in group? Right. And you know, when I transitioned from being full-time nurse to stay at home, that was a huge identity lost to me. I was like, who am I?

SPEAKER_04 14:26

Right. Well, because I mean, we do get started in our career so early on in life. And what if people ask you, what do you do? Yeah, what do you do for a living? Where do you work? What do you all the things? And I mean, I don't know about you, but my people pleaser came out real big. I wanted to have a career that I thought would either impress people or they would be proud of type situation. And so you can only imagine being in social work. How people are like, wait, you're

Reclaiming Identity Through Work And Running

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a baby stealer.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

And I'm like, no, no, no, that's that's the I do.

SPEAKER_04 14:59

That that's no, mm-mm. Whitney does not do that. Whitney does not do that at all.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

That's not in the job description. Yeah, but I mean that that was one of those, and I think to you, I agree. Like, I started probably when my youngest was three, that I felt I started things back that helped. But it it took something, and I think that's just normalizing this conversation too. That like if you're in the the trenches of this and you're like, when is it gonna happen? It can take a couple of years, it can take finding your footing, you know, and things that's helped us, and you know, it's stopped waiting for it to be perfect, right? Like it's not a perfect time, but you can schedule some times where it's like Whitney loves to run, you know, scheduling those times, those pockets of time to run. If it is, you know, naming resentment early, I think it's be like, I'm resentful that like everybody continues on with their life, and mine's pause and it feels like I don't know who I am. Like verbalize that, say that. And I think just recognizing like what makes you feel like you, if that is going to get your hair done or getting a babysitter or calling in-law, calling or telling your spouse, like, you know, this is every six to eight weeks, like I need just this time to like remember who I am because I'm having 15,000 hair loss situations going on with post-partum, anyways.

SPEAKER_04 16:21

Like, you know, if you've got a really good work friend, yeah, you can tap into them. I did that once, I sure did.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

But taking small times to say, what did you enjoy and what would make you feel more like you, and sometimes just not being touched or needed, even for like half an hour, is really a powerful thing.

SPEAKER_04 16:43

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

But I think it's just a conversation we all feel it's uncomfortable because again, societal pressures of like you should be grateful, you're gonna miss this. This should be the complete like purpose and joy of your life, right? Okay, all things can be true, but things can coexist.

SPEAKER_04 17:03

Exactly. You can also be incredibly hard, right? We can be so grateful that we are mothers and that we have the children that we have and that we get these memories with them, but we can also say it's really hard when my infant

Practical Ways To Feel Like You

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screams nonstop for three hours.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

That's hard.

SPEAKER_04 17:18

That is hard. That is hard. How would that not push anybody to their limit?

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Absolutely. So, moms, we're in there with you. And I think it's just again an important conversation to normalize so we can take the shame away and just talk about it. So but we appreciate you guys, and hey, we're right there in there with you. So we'll be back next week.

Normalize It And Closing Message

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkers, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.