Summer Schedules And Longer Days

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Hi guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance Podcast. This is Sarah, and I've got our favorite maternal mental health therapist, Whitney. Hi, Whitney. Hey, friends! We are full-blown in summer. Um, so we know that summer brings new challenges. It is the hustle and bustle of the school year and like the school sports and all that stuff. Or if you have school-age kids, it's simmered down, but you're probably feeling like an Uber driver of camps and figuring out what am I gonna do with my child? How do I function? And then if you have littles or your postpartum, it's super hot in a lot of places. And you know, you can only be outside for a few hours of the day, and then the days can feel really extra long.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Right. Well, and you know, the sun is out for much longer, so the days are longer, but also our kids are not gonna go to bed when it's bright outside. No, no, like why would they go to bed at 8:30 when the sun is out? That's silly.

SPEAKER_03 1:04

You know, there is only so much that darkening shades and curtains can do, which they do a lot for us in our household. So we're very appreciative. But it is always that question of, you know, the summer days feel hard and you're always looking ahead. And if your kids are home more, or say they are you're navigating a different schedule, that's often times that we find just like the mental decision fatigue can really start showing. Now it's it's always there in all times of the year, especially holidays or birthdays. But somewhere, you know, you've got the trips or your vacations, or maybe families visiting. And you feel that in the day, you're like, you know, I don't think I've ever like mentally sat down. You know, where you like sit down and take a breather and be like, okay. And at the end of the day, you get there and you're like, I don't think my brain is turned off the whole entire day.

Micro Decisions Drain Mental Stamina

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Right. Yeah. Like the brain has been nonstop, and you know, we really don't give enough acknowledgement to micro decisions that we make throughout the day. And as silly as it sounds, something like the stoplight going from green to yellow and putting the brakes on, that is a micro decision. It's second nature. Absolutely. We're not up there like, should I put my brakes on? You know, we're not over here having a debate over it, but it's a decision. It is 1,000% a decision, and all of that kind of chips away at our mental stamina. It chips away at our patients, at our temperaments, all of that. So, yeah, when you know, moms, when we get to the end of the day, whether we work, you know, inside the home, like we're a stay-at-home parent, whether we are a work-from-home parent, or whether you work outside of the home, by the end of the day, you sit down and you're like, have I had a thought to myself that wasn't geared for somebody else?

SPEAKER_03 2:57

And probably not, because right, we're remembering, we're anticipating, we're planning, we're regulating emotions, we're monitoring everyone's needs, and we're carrying the future responsibilities constantly. And I mean, remember when you have the baby, right? It's like even the wake windows, and you're like doing all this mental math of okay, they woke up at you know, 1 a.m. So, you know, they should be tired here. And it's like you're having to plan your whole day and times and minutes, or to your point, it's like the micro decisions, it's like, okay, all right, I gotta get the toddler up here. If I don't feed them there, they're gonna get hungry in the car. I've got to pack this in my bag, so then the baby's gonna need this, but work's gonna call at this time, and you're really doing a master puzzle constantly that's ever changing, and the pieces never really quite fit. It's constant anticipation, yeah, but you do it so often and so frequently, and then you're it's learned from and when the baby is little, when you're going, okay, is that cry? Is that face? Does he have gas? Does he need to eat? Does he mind rating that we've talked about before? Yeah, so I mean, it never stops. And I it even starts in pregnancy, right? Where you're just like, Am I doing enough? And I need this for the baby. What do I that have? And then when your kids grow, which we're in the more of now the school age years with our kids, you know, summertime is not a hard stop of the doctor appointments, like you're going and getting stuff set up for school, the meal plane. I think it's even hard in the summer because they're home and you're just going, How much do these children eat?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Right.

SPEAKER_03 4:28

Who needs what?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Constant snacks.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Constant snacks. You're they're all, I mean, my kids go to an it feels like a new shoe size every week that you're trying to figure out, but you're really the operating system of the family. Like you are air traffic control and the pilot and the maintenance and the food service. Right. And you're like, I feel like I'm also like the passenger of this trap that can't get off this plane all at the same time. Yep. And do you see with some of your clients that you feel like women are socially maybe conditioned to do this, to anticipate needs, especially high achieving women may feel like

Default Parent Pressure And Perfectionism

SPEAKER_03 5:10

they need to overfunction in this role?

SPEAKER_00 5:12

A little bit. And I would say, which I have a bias because I've really only lived in the South. So let's keep that in the context. Like I have a bias because I don't have experience in other areas. But I think very much in the South, some of that is very cultural with the gender stereotypes. We're starting to progress away from that, where dads and husbands and partners are more hands-on. They are more willing to change a diaper, to feed the baby, to clean the house and different things like that. We're starting to incorporate a better balance between responsibilities. But I do think that it's important to note that in the South, you know, we do think, okay, well, moms handle kids. That's what the moms do. Moms handle kids. So we're over here, you know, and it starts in pregnancy of like, well, what can I feed myself? What should I not have for the baby? And has the baby moved enough? Or, you know, if you're gestational diabetic, you really have to be aware of what you can and cannot eat. All of those things. And then the newborn phase, more often than not, obviously, you know, we're the ones feeding. More often than not, and part of that, even if you're a formula feeding mom like I was, I was on maternity leave. My husband didn't get paternity leave.

unknown 6:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

He didn't get that. And so I'm the one learning the cries. I'm the one that is setting the alarms to make sure that I'm getting up on time. I'm the one measuring the formula. I'm the one clocking the nap schedules and all the things. So inherently we come into it naturally because of pregnancy, labor, and delivery, the newborn stage, but I don't know that we ever fully put that down. Our husbands then do help, but we are the ones that are like, hey, did you um get that email from the teacher? No, why did I why would I get the email from the teacher? I'm the dad.

SPEAKER_03 6:59

Well, a lot of times the dads aren't even included on the school stuff emails, unless you, you know, they'll all, I mean, I've noticed a lot of times it's just the communications go directly to the mom. Right. Um, no, there is some off things, but that's or childcare, they usually call mom first, right? If something's going on at school, kids sick, they'll call mom first. Yeah. But I I think too, the perfectionism that we at times all struggle with makes our mental fatigue worse.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:24

We never are okay with good enough, or like it's done, or this is acceptable, right? Or like everybody's fed, maybe, but X, Y, and Z is not done, that's okay, we'll survive.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Right.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

We never really rest in physically or mentally.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Right. Well, and again, we're always anticipating the next need, and that is exhausting. And honestly, our kids become dependent on us for that. And so even if dad is, you know, on the call log for the school, kid falls and scrapes their knee. The nurse may even say, Well, who do you want me to call? Your mom or your dad? More can not, the kid is like, Well, I want you to call my mom. Like, that's who I'm going to for these things. And it's such a double-edged sword because what a great place where our kids want us to be the ones to come fix it. But also, whoo, it can be exhausting.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

A lot. And you know, I think it definitely the whole the mental load and from the beginning, and even if you're like trying to get pregnant and pregnancy happens, as people say, Whoopsie, it was a surprise for us, it was unplanned, but for a lot of people, it's very much planned, and that's mentally exhausting. The extents to plan for that. So, I mean, even it can start preconception, right, of the chronic mental load of keeping that track. I feel like your nervous systems never der regulate, they never take a break from that. And it causes, you know, when you're fatigued mentally, then you cannot emotionally regulate, right? It's like we've seen it with our kids. When our kids get grumpy, tired, maxed out, their emotions, I mean, they're just not capable

Sleep Loss And Anxious Future Thinking

SPEAKER_03 9:02

of calming down. Same thing happens to us. And then if you add on sleep deprivation, our executive functioning goes out the door.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Right. Right. And I say this to clients all the time sleep deprivation will only exacerbate something that's already pre-existing. So if you had anxiety before the newborn stage before sleep deprivation, it's going to get worse. If you had depression before, it will get worse. PTSD, OCD, ADHD, all of these things will only get exacerbated by that sleep deprivation because our brain is a muscle. And how do muscles recover and repair? By rest, and the brain's rest is sleep. But more often than not, as moms and default parents, we find ourselves not really getting that deep sleep because it's always one eye open, one ear open, always listening out for the whatevers. But also our brain, again, it's going, you know, a thousand miles an hour. It feels like a okay, well, tomorrow is dress-up day. I need to make sure that I put out the green t-shirt, not the red t-shirt. And I need to make sure that my other kid takes their toy in for show and tell day and things like that. And in the summer, we don't necessarily have like those assigned days like you do in the school year or even in a daycare calendar. But it is that, okay, well, what camp are they going to tomorrow? What equipment are we going to have to have? What time is drop-off? What time is pickup? What are we going to do for lunch beforehand? Do I need to pack a snack? We're always future thinking, and we do it kind of like anxiety. It's a protective thing. We're trying to troubleshoot to make the next day go better and smoother. So it's not a bad thing that we're troubleshooting. The problem is that it keeps us up.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

It's never one of those, okay, great. Like I got that tackled. Now my brain can rest.

unknown 10:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

It's like, okay, great. Cross that off the list, on to the next thing.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

And I feel like I remember too when my boys were little, newborns, tallers, you know, it's just like then you, you know, and then let alone you're not even struggling with let's talk about like intrusive thoughts or like high anxiety, right? Where you are seeing worst-case scenarios in your head. You're going, okay, well, if I sleep, then he's not gonna make it. Or you say, you know, if he's he's gonna die in his sleep, or they had this rash, what's if it's this? And then you know, you go down these rabbit holes.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

I mean, that's a whole other level that occurs.

SPEAKER_03 11:30

But, you know, I think too, then you when you're tapped out emotionally in your mind, you snap, right? And that's when you feel touched out, you're emotionally numb, you feel guilty, like you're like, you feel almost like you're in groundhog day. You're just like you feel like you're there, but you're you're like on this hamster wheel of life, and then you feel bad about it because you're like, I'm supposed to be enjoying this, I wanted to be a mom, or like, so it's this nasty cycle that you don't want to take a break to clear your mind, you don't know how, but you're having these moments. And I mean, when do you, Whitney, notice that you you kind of hit the overload hits hardest, or you know, where's an example that you've seen, like one tiny decision that irrationally like pushed you over the edge that you're like, oh, okay, wow.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Okay, this is extremely

When Small Things Set You Off

SPEAKER_00 12:25

silly, but I'm going to tell on myself, okay. It was scheduling my kids' haircuts.

SPEAKER_03 12:32

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

Yeah. Because I had to, and this was back in the spring, you know, both kids were in their own respective sports, and a lot of the games are on Saturday. But then we've got a lot of birthdays in the month of May, then you've got Mother's Day in the month of May, but also like my kids desperately needed a haircut, and I'm over here like, where am I going to fit this in at? Whilst looking at the salon schedule and, you know, having to fit us into their availability. And I'm like, it should not be this hard to get my kids a haircut. It shouldn't be. And this isn't something that I even have to do that frequently in the year. We're talking about three times max that I have to take my kids in for a haircut. And I'm over here like, my my head will explode. Yeah. It's going to explode because the logistics are not logisticing the way I need them to, because my type A is there. But you know, you want to come in and talk about your depression, you need some copies because come on in. The door's open. I can handle that. But making those appointments drove me bananas. It took me about two days to finally get it all figured out and everything where it needed to be. Yeah. And this is just telling on my type A personality. I was like, Whitney, it shouldn't have taken you that long. Why did it take you that long? And I'm like, whoa. That is. It was one of those, I was like, you're you're probably maxed out if you're beating yourself up over scheduling haircuts for your kids and it took you longer than you wanted it to. Like, you probably need to backpedal a little bit, Whitney.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Well, mine. I'll tell you mine. And which I realized, I was like, okay, I'm just having like some unmet like rest cause needs, or feeling a little too much of like give, give, give. So my little sometimes sweet treat at night is the Pillsbury cookie dough that says safe to eat. I mean, who knows if it really is, but you know, let go, let go out on that. And so I'm you know, YOLO. YOLO. So I my husband and my sons, they all bake him for him occasionally, but sometimes my husband also enjoys the sweet treat, and he has this habit that has continued from. I mean, I remember having a mental breakdown about this when I was pregnant, um, as well. So this is apparently still a thing. He will get the last piece.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

He does not throw away packaging.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

And it's even like I put it in like a Ziploc bag to keep it fresh. So pulled it out of the fridge, fully intended. Like, got the boys down, had got the house settled, like. It was like a two-second like me time, pulled it out with me. You would have thought World War III had occurred, ended in my mind, body, spirit, crushed, just getting it. It was that, and you know, I had that. I remember specifically, I remember doing that when I was pregnant and I was gonna bake it, and same thing happened. And like, you know, it was but it it was like, okay, well, great, yes, this is highly inconsiderate and turning it.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Right, it's annoying and it's inconvenient, but it does their reaction equate to the crime, and it did not.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

And so that was a way of being like, okay, wow, reel it back in, Sarah. That's a piece of cookie dough. But we all had things that kind of tell on ourselves when the reaction does not meet the situation. But what let's give our listeners some practical tools that's going to help them kind of decrease this mental fatigue that we all feel and feeling, especially right now.

Tiny Breaks That Actually Help

SPEAKER_00 16:15

So I would say when we look at trying to just slow down a little bit and find that time for ourselves, try to avoid making it big chunks of time.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Because that is probably not realistic and it will overwhelm you, and then you're just gonna feel like, well, I'm just spinning my wheels, what's the point? And it just kind of escalates everything. If it is one of those, like you turn on a bluey or you turn on Spidey and Friends or whatever it is, you do that and you give yourself five minutes to eat your cookie dough, to drink your coffee, to drink your tea, to meditate, or just to sit in the quiet for just a moment. Or maybe that's one of those opportunities you say, you know what, now I'm gonna scroll. Like this is gonna be a little bit of my screen time for the day because I need a moment to decompress. And that's you're allowed moments to decompress.

SPEAKER_03 17:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Give yourself that permission.

SPEAKER_03 17:12

I know another thing that you've taught me that I implement it's if you are worrying, right? Or you do feel like sometimes like I feel like your brain just feels like I've got so much on it. A brain dump has been really helpful to me of two different ways of like, hey, I gotta get X, Y, and Z done. And sometimes just seeing it and my type A self-low is a good check mark of a list. Well, yeah, that's how we get our self-worth. I mean, love that dopamine right there. And then to you on the center thing, it's like, okay, I'm really worried about the situation. You know, setting a worry timer, you've taught us this, you know, and to worry, a set time to worry. And it's like a two minutes, five minutes to worry. That has been helpful. Honestly, putting everything I can on automatic pay, like our bills has been very helpful. Subscribe and save off Amazon. If you know that, hey, like we need toilet paper, yeah. You know, every so often set that has been helpful. You know, grocery deliveries, a lot of them. Oh man, Chrome shout out to them, not sponsored, but I love them. I love that is a huge help to me personally and Whitney is that just to have that. And what's nice, they know the mental load they already have your favorites often saved. Right. I love that. And you just click and add. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

And I love meetings like they just say this is what's on sale. This thank you.

SPEAKER_03 18:29

Yes, no, I don't have to say that. Thank you. Let us know. I think the good enough mentality is hard for moms, but you know, your child doesn't need perfect. And I was reading the other day something that said, you know, if you always strive for perfection and your kids never see that good enough, then that's they're ultimately going to be growing up thinking that's their right what they have to be. And that we are not perfect humans and never called to be. Um, so the good enough is, you know, and we're not talking about like, well, your kids halfway good enough that that's not what we're saying.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

We're saying, you know, you have shortcuts in life.

SPEAKER_03 19:03

Yes. And I think that's important.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

We're not a harder kind of mentality.

SPEAKER_03 19:09

I think honestly, repeat meals, clothes routine. I think, you know, if your kid, your kid, my kids go to school, they go to school, they wear school uniforms. The best thing never happened to us. Because we don't fight over that in the mornings, we just put it out.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

And I I rotate meals, I cook. Absolutely. And not to make this like a political thing, but I remember I was in grad school when this happened. President Obama was in office, and one of the things that he said to make his life easier was that he either had a gray suit or a brown suit. He had two options, two choices, and he ate the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day because he's like, I made so many other decisions. I don't need that taking up my brain space anymore. And I'm ad-libbing on that. I don't think that was his actual verbiage. But I've heard that and I live by that.

SPEAKER_03 19:58

And I think you are taking awesome those decisions. You don't even know that goes into it. Wow. And make and say that for ones that really matter, that need that input, that need your full attention. But I think to share

Shortcuts, Routines, And A Meditation Challenge

SPEAKER_03 20:12

calendars are always great. Oh, yeah. If you can schedule and weekly like meetings with your partner or your spouse, or your kids are older, involve them. And like, you know, we have a thing on our fridge that's like shows our week. So the boys now, the oldest can read well, the youngest is in the process of learning. But I've got those little stickers, honestly, that he knows if it's soccer, if it's tennis, or if it's library day, and include everybody in it. Um meditation, as much as people want to be like, okay, that's a little, you know, woo-woo to me. A couple minutes of meditation to clear, you're gonna be shocked how hard it actually is to sit there and not think of anything.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

That is calling me out because that is why I don't love meditation. If you do, by all means, do it. I am not the end all be all to that. I have a hard time sitting and being quiet and not thinking, you know, I could really be doing this right now, or I could be getting this accomplished. Like my brain is constantly like, Whitney, we're we're not being useful enough with our time. You you need to go do the thing. And I'm like, oh, I should go do the thing. I need I need to go do the thing.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

So this is Whitney's challenge. She's gonna meditate for 30 seconds to a minute and report back to us because truly is a challenge. If you haven't done it, and it'll be very insightful to you. And it's hard because it feels uncomfortable for our brain not to be planning, doing, anticipating. So challenge yourself. But the more, like anything, the more you do something uncomfortable, the more comfortable you eventually get with it.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Yes, absolutely. It you gotta train yourself or condition yourself.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

But it takes effort, and you're like, great, another thing to my list. But start small.

unknown 21:56

Right.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

20 seconds.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Yeah. See, and that's how I'm gonna have to do because if I sit there thinking, I'm gonna do five minutes, I'm like, you know, I could have finished mushrooms.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

Like, no, no, start small, like honestly, 20, 30 seconds, and then build it up. And it's a huge thing. But okay, listeners, we know it's in the summer. We know you're probably listening to us doing a zillion things. So we appreciate you, and we will be back next week to see you then.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Have a good one.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkhurst, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.