Welcome And A Vulnerability Check

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hi guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance Podcast. This is Sarah and Whitney. How are you, my friend? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. You know, I think this vulnerability podcast will hit

The Two-Kid Guilt Spiral

SPEAKER_00 0:23

with some people. And something that I've been feeling lately is being a mom of two. And I look at people who have mom, one of my best friends has four kids, okay? And I'm like, how are we doing this? Like logistically, I need the tips. I mean, we went we went to the zoo and she was amazing. And I just think some people are given the God-given talent of having multiple children. And mine is capped at two. And that is fine. But I sometimes am feeling, I think with the boys, and there's a about a three-year age gap.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

That I felt this pull of, especially when I was, when my youngest was a baby and my oldest was three, I felt this pull that I'm feeling now. And I I honestly didn't expect it to come back up, but am I giving enough to everyone? And feeling like I'm, I don't think anybody really talks about the guilt sometimes that you feel that if you have two different kids, especially now we're in the school age, you know, sports and one runs right, one runs left with their activities at times. Right. You know, it's it feels like someone maybe is always getting more and somebody's getting less in a moment.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

And how do you manage that?

Velcro Kids And Jealousy

SPEAKER_01 1:39

That's a good question because I have found myself kind of stuck there for lack of a better way to say that often, because my youngest is attached at my hip. She wants nothing more than to go back in utero. Same. Yeah. So about that baby.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

That baby will be COVID babies. I keep telling y'all they're built different. Yes, they very much are.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

They are built different. And so their attachments, it's either very anxious or very secure. I have yet to figure it out. We're somewhere in there. I don't know which one it is. And so oftentimes I find myself being like, I really wish I had more time with my nine-year-old. I really do wish that I had a little bit more one-on-one time with her because my five-year-old just demands so much of me. Some of me. And she will tell you that she gets jealous of her older sister.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Oh, I mean, and I don't we really do need to do a podcast on a birth birth order, right? Because it's like the little ones or the second ones, I feel like they come out of the womb just fighting and knowing that like I have to take. Like if I want mom, I take. If I like they mine's a bull in a china shop, but he is will be physically on me.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Way more than my older one.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Oh, absolutely. Thousand percent. And some of it is developmental. Like some of it is that, you know, our older kids are able to have a little more independence and a little bit more autonomy, things like that. But the other side of it is I do think that there's a lot to be said for the younger ones and that they don't want to feel left behind.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

And so they can't get left behind if they're Velcroed to us.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

I mean, truly Velcroed. I mean, and I think it's too, it's hard because then your older ones are starting to be like, well, you and my will just said that. Well, do you just do you love him more? Because he's like, you can still pick him up and snuggle him or he's always like forcing, you know, he will literally be like, pick me up, carry me. And I I can't do that to my eight-year-old anymore. He's almost as tall as me, but I I see it, and but it's like also I'm dragging the little one to the older one's practices and games. Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Well, and what's you know really hard, or what I find hard is that my youngest, the one who does get most of my attention, is always saying, But y'all care about Sydney more than me, or y'all give her all of your attention on my baby girl. Like, I don't do I have to sit down and show you a diagram or do some clock math with you on how much time you get from me versus her, because it's you command this more than I think you recognize.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

And that's hard because you know, you're trying

Fair Is Not Always Equal

SPEAKER_00 4:35

to teach, you know, fair isn't always equal, right? Like with the kids. And sometimes one kid generally may need more. Like if that kid's sick and your other kids are healthy, the sick kid gets all your attention that day. Oh, absolutely. If one of your kids is struggling and homework, and you know, like, hey, these other kids, they can do their homework and they can be more self-guided. This one, this is a tough topic. I gotta zero in on this kid, right? It is gonna be what it is for that time. But it it feels like you always are not able to give one the hundred percent because and that put and like I never had siblings, so to me, this whole dynamic is so new. So I'm trying to learn that. Okay, and then I've talked to other friends who's like maybe they were the baby and they always felt the older had it, the older felt the baby always, you know, so they're more sensitive to that. So we've got our own perspectives from our childhoods coming in on how we're viewing this now as a mom. Right.

Quality Over Quantity Time

SPEAKER_00 5:35

And it but it comes down to something that research has constantly said, right? It's quality beats quantity. So finding what each child, what speaks to each child's love language. And you'll get to know your kid and be like, okay, my I know my eight-year-old, very intentional snuggles, talking, reading together, five, 10 minutes at bedtime really fills his cup. And we've I've said, okay, what does your like snuggle meter tell you? And he's like, I need more snuggles from mom. And I'm like, okay, let's get up this. Now my youngest, he just, if he's just around me in my perimeter, like could touch brand come by touches, totally fine. So it's but it's learning each child, but not being like, I have to go two hours every day with child one and then two hours, child two. Right, we can't do that. You it's it's not realistic. And research tells us 10 solid minutes per kid is enough. And I'm not saying like ignore your kids or anything, but it should take a lot of the pressure that we feel of this like crazy metric, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Which, you know, different soapbox, but you know, social media. Uh yes, social media. Makes it seem like if you're not spending four and a half hours a day with each child uninterrupted, that you're failing and you're not.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

You're not. No, no. And it's it's again those small deposits that are building security attachments, right? Like it's really like, you know, with my oldest too. Now he's in the Mr. Cool phase, and it's like he wants like a little, like, you know, I'm like, are you good? Mom loves you. He's like, I'm good, I love you, right? Versus like the big hug and kiss at drop off, which my little one's all for. But it's like that lets him know, like, hey, we have that moment, right? Right. Or if it's at his games, like, you know, me looking at him, giving a little hand sign that he sees me, I see him, right? Why I'm still attending to his brother who's off to the side, who I'm like, do you think your brother wants to be dragged everyone your games? No, right, but here we are. So it is though, we feel though that we're not giving ever enough to all our kids. But again, I think everybody feels that way. And I think even if you just have one child, you feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

It's not like we're limitless, like we do have capacities, and our love for our children is infinite, but our time and our abilities are not, and that is a really hard place to be when you know that you would quite literally go to the ends of the earth for your children. You absolutely would. But sometimes we don't feel like we would actually follow through on that because we don't have a million hours in one day to give to

Modeling A Life Beyond Kids

SPEAKER_01 8:29

each child. And it's not hypocritical. I don't want anyone to feel that it is. It's just that we live in a time where we're not able to give everybody 100% of ourselves because guess what? There's not 400% of you.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

No, and you still have to pay the bills, you still have to work, you still have to click, you know, there'll be you, you know, you have other relationships. But it's also too, we're not there's so much research that shows the positivity of your child seeing life exists outside of them. So if you make your whole child your life, that's a lot of responsibility that child ends up feeling. Absolutely. It is also reality that when your child is go grows up and is in this world, the world doesn't revolve around them. So that's healthy teaching them how we cheer for others, how we take care of we have other responsibilities, you building that empathy, right? You're showing them how to also be responsible little humans as growing up and them also learning how to manage their own time as they get older. It's okay for your older kid to be bored and learn to play and creativity. You're not supposed to feel every moment. So I think too, there's like this mixture of everything comes at us that we're like, wait, we're supposed to be doing everything with this kid and that kid plus manages when we don't want that. The question is not did I did enough, is does my child feel loved? Is my child saved?

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Yes, right. And how does my child feel loved? Right, you know, and that can be individual for every child, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:03

But that's a lot better.

Small Moments That Land Biggest

SPEAKER_01 10:06

I ask my kids when I do get, you know, those nighttime snuggles, or if my older one ends up waking up before the younger one and we're just kind of hanging out on the couch or something, like what are things that I do that we do together or that I do for you that make you feel loved? And her answer always blows me on. She's like, it's when we make cookies together.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Something so simple. It's something so simple, so just it's not the big, you know, it's like the little things, not the big, right? I mean, we've both taken our kids to Disney, right? They've great, they've loved it. But I guarantee if you ask them, okay, at this question, they're not gonna say when mom took us to Disney. No, it's gonna be like when mom, you know, remember some ring my favorite Gatorade at practice, or that you always like have a big smile when you see me in the day, or something like that. So I think too though, really just saying, okay, comparison's gonna steal the joy

Grace For Seasons And Capacity

SPEAKER_00 11:06

of everything. You can't compare yourself to another mom, it will, but you can't compare your relationships with each child to this to each other, like right, and they're gonna have two different needs from you, and that's okay. And it's like everything, there's seasons, right? The baby, yeah, it can take a lot from you versus the you know, versus the fifth grader, right? It's gonna be different that each child's gonna go through different seasons, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

That all balances out in a minute, it does, it absolutely balances out. So part of this is give yourself some grace, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Which we don't do good with, we do not do good with.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

You know, it's hard. It's hard, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

It's hard. We don't do well.

Guilt Versus Real Wrongdoing

SPEAKER_00 11:50

But what else would you tell if I'm sitting in your chair and you're my therapist, which you can't be because you're my friend, all the ethical conduct and all that jazz. But what what would you say if I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling so guilty right now that I feel like I'm failing both kids?

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Well, here's the thing guilt is uh an emotion we should reserve for if we've done something wrong. Have you wronged your child? No, no, and we can ground that thought in saying, okay, you may not feel like you're doing enough. Okay, we can accept that, but are you failing them because do they have food? And I'm not talking like all organic grocery haul from sprouts, okay? Are your children fed? Do your children have clothes and I'm not talking bougie, it can come from the thrift store, okay? Okay, it can come from the from the dollar section of Walmart, but are they clothed? Is there a roof over their head and do you love them? Yeah, chances are you can answer yes to all of those. Okay, therefore, you have not wronged your child, you have in fact provided for your child. Yeah, therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

It's just that, you know, at our core, if you're questioning this, or if this even like resonated, you're a good mom, right? Because you want to be a good mom. Bad moms don't question if they're given enough times to each child or even feel guilt about things. So I think that's always a good reminder, too, is if you're questioning, am I doing enough? If you're researching, if you're listening, if you're trying, you're a good mom. Right. Absolutely you are.

Why Questioning Means You Care

SPEAKER_00 13:36

But no one just talks about these things. That's why we're here is to blow it wide open, share vulnerability and just tell you it is.

Wrap Up And Where To Listen Next

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Okay, guys, thank you for tuning in. We've got more kind of episodes about this. Go through. We have over, I mean, we're close to 200 now, Winnie. So, guys, go back through. If you're new to us, you're gonna probably find some other ones that resonate with you. If not, if you're not new, we love having you every time. And we'll be back next week with you guys. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkers, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.