There are few experiences as universal to human existence as pregnancy and childbirth, and yet its most difficult parts — perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) — are still dealt with in the shadows, shrouded in stigma. The fact is 1 in 5 new and expecting birthing people will experience a PMAD, yet among those who do many are afraid to talk about it, some are not even aware they’re experiencing one, and others don’t know where to turn for help. The fact is, when someone suffers from a maternal mental health disorder it affects not only them, their babies, partners, and families - it impacts our communities.
In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Sarah Parkhurst and Whitney Gay are giving air to a vastly untapped topic by creating a space for their guests — including survivors of PMADs and healthcare professionals in maternal mental health — to share their experiences and expertise openly. And in doing so, Sarah and Whitney make it easy to dig deep and get real about the facts of perinatal mental health, fostering discussions about the raw realities of motherhood. Not only will Previa Alliance Podcast listeners walk away from each episode with a sense of belonging, they’ll also be armed with evidence-based tools for healing, coping mechanisms, and the language to identify the signs and symptoms of PMADs — the necessary first steps in a path to treatment. The Previa Alliance Podcast series is intended for anyone considering pregnancy, currently pregnant, and postpartum as well as the families and communities who support them.
Sarah Parkhurst
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; Founder & CEO of Previa Alliance
A postpartum depression survivor and mom to two boys, Sarah is on a mission to destigmatize the experiences of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), and to educate the world on the complex reality of being a mom. Sarah has been working tirelessly to bring to light the experiences of women who have not only suffered a maternal mental health crisis but who have survived it and rebuilt their lives. By empowering women to share their own experiences, by sharing expert advice and trusted resources, and by advocating for health care providers and employers to provide support for these women and their families, Sarah believes as a society we can minimize the impact of the current maternal mental health crisis, while staving off future ones.
Whitney Gay
Previa Alliance Podcast Co-host; licensed clinician and therapist
For the past ten years, Whitney has been committed to helping women heal from the trauma of a postpartum mental health crisis as well as process the grief of a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. She believes that the power of compassion paired with developing critical coping skills helps moms to heal, rebuild, and eventually thrive. In the Previa Alliance Podcast series, Whitney not only shares her professional expertise, but also her own personal experiences of motherhood and recovery from grief.
Why Am I 15 Again? The Roles We Play in Our Families - Part 1
•Previa Alliance Team•Season 1•Episode 237
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Here's a version that feels more like the Previa podcast—conversational, relatable, and with a little humor.
You pay your own bills, have a career, maybe even kids of your own... so why does one comment from your mom have you feeling like you're 15 again?
In Part 1 of this two-part series, Sarah Parkhurst and Whitney Gay, LCSW, unpack the invisible family roles that shape who we become—from the Peacekeeper and the People Pleaser to the Responsible One and the Achiever. You'll laugh, cringe, and probably text your sibling before the episode is over.
If you've ever found yourself saying, "Why do I always end up doing everything?" or "How did I get pulled into this...again?" this episode is for you.
Because sometimes the hardest part of growing up isn't becoming an adult—it's realizing you're still playing the role your family gave you years ago.
Don't worry...we're just getting started. Part 2 drops next, where we'll uncover even more family roles and talk about what it actually looks like to step out of them.
Happy holiday season, Pavia Podcast. This is Sarah, and I've got Whitney. And Whitney, we're getting ready for Thanksgiving, my friend. We're gonna set that table. Turkey Day. Turkey Day. And as you guys have probably saw the name of our episode, it says, Well, I feel like I'm 15 again. Um, the roles we play in our families. And essentially, when we said we're setting this table, so here we are, we're all assuming to be mothers, soon to be mothers, right? Most of us are late 20s, into 40s, maybe early 50s, right? And we somehow go back into Brenda, we go into our mom's house, whoever's house, and all of a sudden we feel 15 again, and somebody makes one comment or one situation, and we spiral. And what is very interesting as we're setting this table is every family has roles. Yes, and these roles of people, what they play, and you listener probably play one or two or know exactly who we're gonna be talking about, right? And what's interesting about this, Whitney, is I think these roles get assigned to us at younger ages. Sometimes it happens post um matriarchal shifts in the family. Say someone passes or someone marries in, but these roles really come into play, and since we're all going to be getting ready for Thanksgiving, it's the perfect time to break them down and kind of this is a two-part episode, listeners, because there's so many roles we would do you an injustice to name them all in one.
But there's a lot, there's a lot, but the most so the one that I think we should start with that you're gonna start in your minds going, uh-huh, is the peacekeeper. Yes. Tell us about the peacekeeper, Whitney.
SPEAKER_00
So the peacekeeper is not the peacemaker. Oh, yeah, okay. So there is a difference. The peacemaker is typically the one who comes in and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like let's all take a breather. It's okay. They mediate, okay? They are the ones that try to diffuse and let the air out of the situation. A peacekeeper is the one who kind of goes around is like, yeah, that's a great point. That's a great point to everybody. They do not want to rock the boat. And we've talked about Enneagrams in earlier episodes. This is your Enneagram nine. They are not going to be the one that says, Oh, I meant I want a turkey and not ham on. I played at Thanksgiving. They'll just deal with it. They will not speak up, even over the slightest thing that's really not going to anger anybody. They're just going to go with it. They're just going to be like, Yeah, that's great, that's great. Blah, blah, blah. Like, they could be talking to Uncle Joe. And Uncle Joe is married to Aunt Brenda. And Joe and Brenda, they got opposite political opinions. And man, they can get both get riled up. And there you have your peacekeeper that's like, you know what? That's a valid point to Uncle Joe. Aunt Brenda chimes in and has a completely opposite opinion of him. And the peacekeeper says, That's a really good point, too.
unknown
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
They are they are Switzerland. They are claiming neutrality with everybody.
SPEAKER_01
And they have ate ham instead of turkey for the last 10 years, and they've just like they've just swallowed up the hope of ever having you know, right. They're they're just gonna grind with it.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but they're like that could be you, and that's exhausting to be that person. Yes, it is exhausting to be that person, and as weird as it sounds, oftentimes that peacekeeper has a lot of anger and resentment because how do people not know them better yet? But the irony is like it's a self-sabotage because they never spoke up.
SPEAKER_01
They never spoke up, but they're the person that you know you might see when they're taking down out the trash and they don't think anybody's looking. And that trash can, you know, it's really full, and you got to get it in, and you're just like, Well, wow, that's that's a little aggressive how they're file like shoving that in, and uh you know, you're kind of slam the lid of the trash can shut just a little much, and you're going okay, but they're the person also that you kind of like always want to be around because they're not rocking that boat, and they are validating you, so there's always a seat at the table for the peacekeeper, and someone always has to be that person, yeah. And
then more than likely, you're probably not going to see this next person sitting at the table, the responsible one.
SPEAKER_00
Yes, so this is absolutely my mom when it comes to holidays because she is the hostess by and large, so she's planned the meals, blah, blah, blah. I will say it's interesting. I have absorbed that role, which I think a lot of moms do. Let me just say that a lot of moms absorb the responsible one role. But any trips that we go on, I'm the one that books it. I'm the one that's like, okay, well, if we divide it out, this is how much everybody owes. What activities do we want? What shopping list are we doing? I'm the one who has to stay on it. Again, much like my own mother. So the responsible one oftentimes is an Enneagram one. Yep. We're very type A. We like our list, we're gonna get things together, we're gonna keep it organized. And the reason that is is one that controls our anxiety. We like to have control over those things, and so it's not necessarily a bad trait, but we do have to be mindful that we will burn out if we don't delegate. If we don't delegate and we think we have to cook every single thing and just tell people, oh, just bring a drink and it's fine. Guess what? We're gonna burn out, and we're not gonna get to sit down and enjoy the meal until two hours after everybody else is done and gone. Yeah, no, no, learn to delegate.
SPEAKER_01
The responsible one though is the one that is functioning because of this person.
Um but they're good friends, they probably will pull in the kitchen. They're the fixer, the rescuer. Yeah, they love, we love a good fixer-rescuer. Us responsible ones loves the person that's like, okay, you've got a problem with me. That's my problem. Yep, I'm here with you. I am on your side, 10 toes down. I got you. They're the type of people you send in, they're like the ideal bridesmaid or groomsman that like you know the day that there's one thing that's wrong. You call that person in it, they're on it. They're gonna fix it. Do it. They come in for Thanksgiving, you know, someone forgot the cranberry. They've already they've already shipped it from Publix, it's arriving.
SPEAKER_00
And or they already packed it just in case. This is in case most they are ready.
SPEAKER_01
There's no stain they couldn't have ever tackled. Um, they can also be emotional fixers and rescuers. They see Aunt Brenda over there and they go, Oh, she needs activity because here comes, you know, cousin Susie, who is always going to activate her, and maybe cousin Susie's uh the newly the new mom. We know how Aunt Brenda gets about that, and they sweep it and take it away. That's right. That is love as that. We love a fixer, we love a rescuer, but it's exhausting for them. That's about to say you gotta watch out for the emotional burnout of that. And we often don't realize how much they're fixing and rescuing, right? Well, because it's default, it's default, and they're always been that person, and they thrive as that person. Um, but there's a lot of dependability and heaviness that comes to that person. Oh, absolutely. And that is those are some, and you can't kind of have to if you have a small family, alternate between those three we've covered.
Now, always coming in on time, always dressed appropriately, always is with a smile on our faces. We got the people pleaser, or the always been a good girl, the top of her class, a joy to have in class. Yes. Um, that who comes through needs approval. Oh, yeah, and is gonna struggle to disappoint people, which other people will take advantage of. Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_00
And you I want to make this clear too. Sometimes these roles can overlap. Uh-huh. So your people pleaser, a good girl, can also be your peacekeeper. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? They are always going to be, yes, absolutely, can totally understand that. They're the one that smiles and nods because they don't like conflict, they don't like confrontation. They also view that as a disapproval or rejection. And so when you look at a people pleaser, they really do need that validation or approval from others. So they're likely just to smile and nod and say, Yeah, great point, da-da-da, and just do that.
SPEAKER_01
Or they don't want to do dishes and cleanup for the 10th year in a row, but they're going to do it because they know that you know the responsible ones assign that to them. And they've never said anything, so they're going to be put into that role again. And she knows it smiles and be okay, but it's exhausting. Then they always are wondering do they really do people like me because I agree to everything? Or am I really accepted in love for who I am? Right. Or is it because I always just go along with it and make people happy? Right. And that's easy to be that person until children in life come along, and it tends to unravel.
SPEAKER_00
Well, and when that happens, and you are the person that says, Hey, because of baby's nap schedule, or my child has fill-in-the-blank allergy. Can we make accommodations? People then who have never had to accommodate that person, the people pleaser, the peacekeeper, sometimes that will ruffle their feathers if they speak up for themselves. Because what do you mean we have to account for the baby's nap? Your child will be fine with their nut allergy. It's not that big of a deal. No, it is. It actually is ambitious. It is. My child cannot have pecan on top of the sweet potatoes because they have a nut allergy. And we, I really don't feel like getting out the epipin and going to the ER on Thanksgiving Day.
And then oftentimes this person, you even forget they're there, which hence their name, the invisible one. That's learned being easy, needing nothing, sneaking in, sneaking out, okay, riding that wave of solitude and just being there, but kind of being like, Did you even talk to them? Oh, were they? Yeah. Oh, I thought I saw them. They've learned to stay out of the complete chaos, huh? Period.
SPEAKER_00
Yes. So this again can blend into people pleaser and peacekeeper. However, the invisible one is the one where you see them when everybody gets there and everyone says hi. They go in, they grab a plate, they eat, and then poof, they're gone. And then when it's time to say bye, you see them again. But they have kind of holed up in a completely different room on the opposite side of the house, or they've been out in the yard, like they've just kept their distance from everybody. And this can also kind of get confused with being an introvert. You know, introverts they do tend to get their social battery drained by being around, you know, big crowds and all of that. But I do think it's notable that this person doesn't really want to be seen.
SPEAKER_01
They don't, and they want to stick to themselves, and they're happy that way, and um they have kind of just taken on that role. And you know, I think back to like large family gatherings, and there's specifically some family members of mine that I'm like, they were always just hid away doing the dishes in the corner, did not want to do any of that, or I'd see them, or they'd be the ones be like, I'm taking the kids outside, like they just wanted to be um gone. And again, you notice them, but then you've never you don't remember any interactions or no controversy, good, bad, ugly bear. And that's an interesting one that you I bet everybody's like that's so and so in their head right now, or that's me.
And the final one we'll cover for this episode, and then don't worry, the next episode we're gonna get into some more of the more uh pushier ones, right? Um, is the achiever. This is the one who's coming home. They're the quarterback, the class president, the big lawyer, the someone who's always done. They're the one that gets recognition only because they're success. They're the ones that have their resume held out front, gonna let everybody know. Uh-huh. You just think of them in like a leatherman jacket coming through. Right.
SPEAKER_00
And this person is really like very obviously or evidently looking for that attention and affirmation. Whereas your responsible one and your fixer-rescuer is not necessarily as like out loud, obviously fishing for those compliments. They're doing that stuff in the background. And when they get the compliment, oh, what a nice little boost. No, no, no. Your achiever is looking for it, it is in your face.
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm. And you know it's coming. And if you're going through a tough time and you know they're gonna come so much in your face, that's gonna be hard. And then if you have enough Thanksgiving's or Christmas together, I guarantee at some point, is it happens to everybody, an achievement is not gonna happen, or it's gonna be and they're gonna then you're gonna see who they are without the achievements. Or you often see how people treat that person differently when they're not the captain of whatever, or they're not this role. It's like their identity gets their identity is set in what they do, not who they are. That part, and that is hard for people who are around that and that person. So that this person, Thanksgiving, they still may be the quarterback coming in. Next Thanksgiving could be totally different, exactly.
So, listeners, hang tight. That was our first part. We're gonna dive into the second part because we all got the golden child, we've got the rebel, we've got all the good ones coming up too. And then how do we navigate these roles and when things change, what to expect? So, next episode, next week, pause. We're coming back for you. We're gonna get you ready for Turkey Day. Oh, yes. All right, Whitney, hang tight, and I'm starting to, I'm gonna have a little list. We'll have a side chat off this of who's who's everybody's role in our family. That's right. You're gonna have a little notepad with everybody on it. We'll be ready to go. All right, listeners, we'll be back next week. See ya. Maternal mental health is as important as physical health. The Preview Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with postpartum depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger, and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkers, and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focuses on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.
